by Bella Thorne
The week after Christmas is pretty hectic. I finish up all my college applications. Erick, Mom, and I also prep for our second annual New Year’s Eve party, only this year we’re holding it at the new Catches Falls location, since it’s finally ready to open. My heart aches when I remember the party last year. How J.J. showed up at my door in a tux and looked so broken but hopeful at the same time, and all because he loved me. I’d give anything to see that look on his face again. This time, though, I’d throw myself into his arms and kiss him and let him know he didn’t have to worry about me hurting him ever again.
This year I don’t even invite him. He told me he didn’t want to see me anymore, so I’ll listen. I’ll come at life from my patient heart and not my anxious brain. I don’t invite him…but I do send him an email. It’s short. Just a picture of the two of us from back when he was tutoring me in history. It’s a selfie I took when we were goofing around, and we both look awful. We’re way too close to the lens, and he’s at this weird angle where he looks like a sunken-cheeked zombie and I’m making a face that mushes my chin deep back into my neck. It’s truly a hideous picture…but I love it because it’s what we’re all about. Or what we were all about. Just being ourselves and having fun because the two of us together meant fun, no matter what was going on.
Under the picture I write:
If what we had is all we’ll have, I’m still so grateful for the ride.
Before I hit send, I check myself. Is this another desperate ploy to get him back?
No. It’s not. It’s me being honest. This is how I want him to remember me, not the moment in the football stadium.
I hit send.
That’s two days before New Year’s. I don’t hear a reply, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t check my email a million times a day just to be sure, but I don’t actually expect to hear anything, and I don’t.
The party itself is really beautiful. The dogs haven’t been brought into the new Catches Falls location yet, so it’s just this giant wide-open space perfect for an event. Our guests are a lot of the same people from last year, only now they include some of Mom’s deep-pocket investors and potential investors. Them and, of course, Glen. Reenzie comes with Sean, who apologizes for staying mad at me so long. He’s really excited about UNH and says the truth is I did him a huge favor when I accidentally locked him in my attic. Jack and Tom show up separately, and I dutifully pretend I invited Tom on my own. Personally, I still think Jack should just come out and everyone would be fine with it, but que sera sera—he’ll do it when he’s ready. Taylor comes with Drew and Ames arrives solo, so I declare her my date for the evening. We hang and mingle with everyone else at the party, and we clap and cheer when Mom makes her announcements, thanking everyone for their help in getting this place off the ground.
At a certain point, we all end up drifting outside. The dog-bone-shaped wading pool hasn’t been filled yet, and it’s way too tempting to resist. Even though we’re majorly decked out, we all climb in and sit inside, our backs against the cement curve of the bone end and all our legs stretching out toward one another.
“So this is it,” Jack says. “All our applications are in. The rest is out of our hands.”
“Out of your hands,” Reenzie says. “Sean and I know where we’re going.”
“Nowhere near each other,” Taylor says, cuddling closer to Drew. “Doesn’t it freak you out?”
“Nope,” Reenzie says. “We agreed to break up after graduation.”
“Because I’m going to be a big football star and I can’t possibly resist all the women throwing themselves at me,” Sean says playfully.
Reenzie swats him. “You’re the one who wants to stay together!”
“We’ll all stay together,” Ames says. “No matter where we go or what we do after this year. Swear it, right now.”
I feel a pang in my stomach because we’re not all together; there’s one of us missing even now. I don’t want to think about that, though. I love everyone with me in this dog pool, and I want to concentrate on them. “I swear,” I say; then I flinch as I think of the future. “Just…um…Drew?” I add. “Be careful with yourself.”
“What?” he asks.
I don’t elaborate, and luckily I don’t have to because Amalita distracts everyone by trying to make us repeat a ridiculous friendship oath, but we all laugh so hard we can’t even get through it.
“Yo! Dog pool people!” Erick calls while we’re still laughing. “It’s almost midnight! Mom wants everyone inside!”
We pile in and take a spot as Mom grabs her standing microphone once more. She’s smiling giddily and her face is flushed, like she’s had a little too much champagne. “And now,” she says, “as we get ready to count down to a brand-new year, I give you a special treat. A musical interlude, if you will.”
She waggles her eyebrows and I laugh out loud. My mom does not get tipsy, so this is hysterical to me.
Then I hear the opening guitar chords of Kyler Leeds’s “As You Wish.” A murmur of appreciation runs through the crowd. I’m amazed. “Kyler’s here???” I mouth across the room to my mom.
She just smiles and gives an exaggerated shrug. Clearly tipsy.
Or maybe not. Just then, a guy strolls out from the staff area in back. He wears jeans, sunglasses, a leather jacket, and strums a guitar slung over his shoulder. He could be Kyler Leeds…if you had no idea in the universe what Kyler Leeds looked like and imagined him longer, lankier, paler, and with much darker hair.
It’s J.J.
My skin prickles all over and my heart leaps against my chest. I turn to look at my friends, and they’re all grinning like my apparently-not-so-tipsy mom. I even see Erick looking at me with a loopy smile on his face. He gives me a double thumbs-up.
They all knew.
J.J.’s at the mic now. He stops strumming, but the music keeps going. “It’s a backing track,” he admits. “I don’t know how to play guitar.” He yanks off the sunglasses. “Can’t really see in here with these things, either.”
He takes off the guitar and gently puts it and the sunglasses on the floor, then quickly stands up and stammers, “I, um, I do have a song for you, though. Here goes.”
J.J. takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and holds it in until the music gets to the right spot…then sings.
Like, really sings.
How did I not know J.J. could sing?
I’m so amazed by how great he sounds that for a second I don’t hear the words. I just assume he’s singing Kyler’s song. But then I hear, “If what we had is all we’ll have, I’m still so grateful for the ride.”
I shiver all over. It’s exactly what I said to him in my email. He’s singing Kyler’s song, but he changed the words, just like I did for the football game. Only his are a million times better and sweeter and all about the little details he noticed about me from the very first time we met until now. His eyes are on mine the whole song, and they pull me closer. I don’t even realize I’m moving until he sings the last note and I’m right there in front of him. He moves away from the mic to step even closer to me. I’m drowning in his longing gaze, and the space between us is on fire.
“I didn’t know you could sing,” I say.
J.J. smiles. “I can do anything when I’m with you. You know that.”
Keeping his eyes on mine, he gently runs a hand along my jawline. I melt as he touches me and close my eyes so all there is is his skin against mine. He twines his fingers in my hair and when I feel him lean close, I turn up my face and press my lips against his.
We kiss for maybe an eternity. I don’t know. All I know is I never want it to end, but when it does everyone around is clapping and hooting and J.J. and I are both bright red, but neither one of us can stop smiling. We curl our arms around each other as all our friends surround us, talking a mile a minute about the song and how great J.J. was and how hard it had been for them to keep their mouths shut the whole night. Then Jack notices something out the window.
; “Dude,” he says to me, “is your brother filling the dog bone pool?”
I run to the window, bringing J.J. with me because I don’t want to let go of his hand. Erick totally turned on the tap, and now he and all his eighth-grade friends are splashing around in the shallow water.
“Oh, we so have priority on the splash pool,” I say. “Who’s in?”
Everyone’s in, and we pile out the door. But before we get to the pool, J.J. catches my arm. I stop and face him. The moonlight shines on his face and I can’t help myself. I throw my arms around him and kiss him. When I pull back, we keep our arms around each other.
“I love you, Autumn,” he says.
“I love you too.”
“I have a question for you.”
He says it so seriously, and there’s so much intensity in his eyes that I can’t help thinking about his proposal. I start to hyperventilate a little. I mean, I want that to happen, but now?! We’re still in high school!
“Yeah…?” I say. My voice warbles; I’m terrified.
“Yeah,” he says. Then he takes a deep breath. “Autumn Falls…will you go to prom with me?”
I’m so relieved I almost fall to my knees. “YES!” I cry. “Absolutely! Now come on!”
I drag him to the pool. Our friends have already booted Erick and his crew to the big grassy lawn and we splash and jump in the water under the moonlight until we’re completely exhausted. When we all leave, J.J. and I kiss good night like we’ll never see each other again, even though he’s coming over for New Year’s Day brunch. Glen drives Erick, Mom, and me back, and I text J.J. the whole time, even though I know he’s driving and won’t respond until he gets home. His texts arrive when I’m lying in bed—goofy things that make me laugh out loud, but then he finishes with:
Going to bed. I love you. Can’t wait until morning…and every other morning after that.
I text him back:
Me too. Love you.
Then I just lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling smiling.
Suddenly I get an idea. I grab my phone again and look up the date of our prom, then go to my bookcase. I take down my silver jewelry box and take out Dad’s locket. Looking at the zemi, I say, “I think I’m ready for my last jump.” Carefully, I open the locket and set the dials for the date of my senior prom. I climb back into bed, shut the locket, and close my eyes, squeeze it tight.
The DJ rocks. I’ll just start with that. Pretty much everyone is dancing, and I have to hand it to Carrie Amernick and her Senior Social Committee sisterhood, because the place looks amazing.
I’m glad I’m invisible and unbumpable in the future, because I’d never be able to make it across the dance floor without getting pummeled by every jumping, dancing, slamming member of the senior class knocking me over otherwise. Now it’s great. They pass right through me, and I get to check everyone out.
I laugh when I see Mom and Glen in a corner. They’re just off the dance floor, on a patch of carpet where they won’t get pummeled. I guess they’re chaperoning. Mom does a fairly decent job with the hip-hop moves, but poor Glen is like a puppet. The fact that Mom seems to find this charming stuns me, but I guess it bodes well for their future.
A slow song starts, and while Mom and Glen and several other couples pour into each other’s arms, nearly everyone else clumps off in groups to cool off and hang. I find all my friends. Ames is with Paul Northrup, a guy I know from English class; Sean’s with Reenzie; Taylor’s with Drew; and Jack and Tom…
“You’re holding hands!” I scream. “I’m so happy for you!”
I hug Jack even though my arms go right through him and I only stumble forward, but I don’t care. I’m that happy. And I’m even happier when I see J.J. and me. It’s four months from now and we’re totally together. Near-Future-Me is tucked there under his arm, and we both look blissfully happy.
“So?” I ask the group of them. “Tell me everything! It’s spring—you know where you’re all going next year! Are we close? Will we see each other in school?”
I’ve jumped enough to know that nothing I say in the future makes any difference at all. They can’t see me and they can’t hear me. Yet miraculously, I see Future Me’s eyes go wide for a second, like something just clicked inside her head. Is she remembering her past, when she was me and I was her and I asked the question? I don’t know, but she jumps in and changes the conversation so we’re all talking about college and where we’ll be in the fall. Reenzie and Sean’s plans haven’t changed, but Taylor’s going to Northwestern, where they have a great theater program, and Drew transferred there, too, so they’ll be together. Jack got a full scholarship to CalArts based on a graphic novel he’s apparently been writing and drawing since middle school, so he’s set. He won’t be anywhere near Tom, who’s going to school in Maine, but they seem cool with it.
As for J.J. and me, we’re going to two different schools, but they’re both in Boston, so we’ll see each other all the time.
Fast music kicks up again and my friends and I pile out to the dance floor. I watch us and I can’t help but smile. We all look so…well…peaceful and happy.
“Autumn.”
I hear the man’s voice clearly behind me, even though the music’s very loud. I assume he’s calling Future Me, but she doesn’t even register that she heard anything.
“Autumn.”
The voice is closer now, but Future Me still doesn’t turn. And there’s something very familiar about the voice.
“Autumn.”
He’s right behind me, but I’m suddenly shivering all over and I’m afraid to turn around because my heart will literally shatter if I’m wrong. I bite my lip and turn, and the whole world stops.
“Daddy?”
It’s him. My dad. His dark hair. His tan skin. His brown laughing eyes and smiling face and he’s right there in front of me!
“Daddy!”
I throw my arms around him and they don’t sweep through him like smoke. My dad is here. He’s solid. He’s holding me tight and rocking me back and forth and my face is buried in his chest and he feels like him and smells like him and sounds like him and I’m crying and laughing and I can’t stop any of it.
“I don’t understand,” I finally say. “How are you here?”
“The zemi,” he says, pointing down at the locket clutched in my hand. “You know what it does, right?”
“Holds a little piece of someone’s soul?”
Dad nods. “Just like in the diary and the map. I was there too. But look.”
He nods back to my fist. I open it and look at the locket. It’s smooth on both sides. The zemi is gone. I grin.
“Where will I find it next?” I ask. “Something in my college dorm room, maybe?”
Dad’s still smiling, but there’s something sad in his eyes and he doesn’t answer. I feel a pit start to open in my stomach.
“You will come back in something else, right?”
He shakes his head. “You don’t need me anymore, carina. It’s time for me to move on.”
“No!” I wail. “I do need you! I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know if Reenzie’ll be okay at Stanford or if Drew will get into some kind of horrible accident…and I’m going to a whole new school with new people! What if they don’t like me? What if I miss home? What’ll I do if I don’t have you there to help me?”
Dad looks down at me, his eyes full of love. “You’ll do fine,” he says. He brushes my hair out of my face and smiles. “You know why I named you Autumn Falls, right?”
I’ve heard the story a million times, but I want to hear it again from him. “Maybe.”
He laughs. “I named you after my favorite season. Twice. Because I knew just like it, you had the power to bring peace between extremes.”
“Peace and happiness to my little corner of the world?” I ask.
“Exactly.” He shakes his head, like he’s as amazed as I am that we’re face to face. “You were a little girl when I left you. Now you’re all grown-up. You
’re so confident, so caring, so wise. I’m so proud of you, Autumn. You’re everything I knew you’d be and more.”
“If I am, it’s only because you’ve been helping me.” I fling my arms around him and hold him as tightly as I can. “Please don’t go.”
He hugs me back. “I won’t. You might not have me in an object, like a diary, or a map, or a locket, but I’ll always be with you, and I’ll always be smiling at what I see.”
Dad pulls back just enough to touch his forehead to mine. I stare at his face, trying to etch it into my mind so I never forget a single detail.
“I love you, Daddy,” I say.
“I love you too.”
He pulls me close again, and I hug him as tight as I possibly can, tight enough to hold on to him forever….
…and then I’m in bed. Alone. Sobbing.
Sobbing…but not entirely sad. I’m happy too. I made my dad proud. I had him by my side for three years after he left, and I made him proud.
I put the locket back around my neck. He’s not in it anymore, but I’ll wear it always just the same. It’ll remind me that no matter where I am, and no matter what happens, I’m not alone.
I look around my darkened room, lit only by the moonlight streaming through the window. “I love you, Daddy,” I say.
And I know he hears me.
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