by Green, Vicki
“Trevor! What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” Her voice carries with the cold wind.
My emotions are all over the place. I want to stop, tell her, but I can’t. I need to run, hit somethin’ hard but don’t have the healin’ I need to do that. Tears well up makin’ my vision blurred as I keep walkin’. All I can think of is she tried to find me. She did write to me. She was killed.
Caprice
What’s happening? What did I say? His face paled, white as a sheet. I’ve never seen him cry before but I know he was close to it. What do I do? I’ve been pacing the living room, pulling on my fingers. It’s been hours. He can’t stay out in the cold like this and it will be dark soon. I don’t have a phone, no way to get help. Fear is choking me. I become determined and grab my coat, putting it on as I walk to the door. When I open it, cold air hits me, making me take a deep breath. I look around, not seeing him anywhere. It’s still light out but I have no idea what time it is. I make my decision and close the door behind me then walk down the steps. I’ve been over to Shiloh and Colby’s enough to try to find it. Do I drive his truck? I don’t have my license and could get in trouble. Another decision made, I start walking down the drive. It’ll take me longer to get there, walking in the snow, some parts deeper than others, but I have to do this. I owe him so much.
I love….
I stop hard in my tracks. Feelings begin to overwhelm me. I love him. Well, of course I love him for all the help he’s given me. He’s become such a great friend. But is that all he is? We made love. But he was having a dream. He didn’t know it was me. At first. I’m so confused. Do I feel like I love him in a different way because he’s helped me? Because feeling his body pressed against mine, his smooth skin, the way he made me feel. God! I’m such a silly girl. Of course he didn’t feel anything like that with me. How could he? I’m still a young girl, not yet a woman. He’s….
I start walking again. The fear of him out here in the cold shakes all my thoughts from my head. I slip a few times, trudging through the snow. I pull my coat tighter around me, my ears starting to burn. I feel like I’ve been walking for hours but have no reality on how long. The sun has moved down, the few street lights have turned on. Is he still out here? Worry sets in. It takes me a while to get up a hill. I stop, leaning over and placing my hands on my knees, breathing hard. Even in the dim light I can see my breath. I look up, my heart rate increases. There’s their house! Oh, my God! I start walking again, my legs and feet hurting but my adrenaline helps to escalate my pace. I’m jogging as I get to their drive, still a little bit to go to reach their house. By the time I get to their porch my fingers and toes are numb. I start beating on the door fast and hard.
Hurry!
Please hurry!
My hand begins to hurt from the cold and the wood door, when it opens suddenly. I almost fall over. “Prie?” I start to walk in, feeling the warmth inside their house, drawing me like a magnet. Ditto, their dog, runs over to me wagging his tail, nearly knocking me over again. “Prie, what’s wrong?” Colby’s hands are grasping my upper arms, the look of worry in his eyes. He looks down at Ditto. “Down boy.”
“I….” I’m breathing so heavily, I can’t seem to catch my breath. I’m so cold. Numb.
“Here.” He puts his arm around me and leads me to their living room. As soon as we are visible, Shiloh jumps up from the couch, running over to us with alarm on her face.
“Prie?” She reaches us and puts her arm around me, Colby leaving me as Shiloh guides me to the couch, Ditto following close behind us. “Oh, my God! You’re freezing. Here sit by the fire.” Suddenly a blanket is around me and then a cup of hot chocolate is placed in front of me on the coffee table. Ditto sits down at my feet, laying his warm head on my lap. Fear builds within me as I start to thaw. I begin to stand but Colby gently pushes me back down.
“It’s Trevor! He’s out there! At the farm! We went driving and….” I take a deep breath, my heart racing so fast I can feel it.
“Slow down, honey. What about Trevor?” Shiloh’s face is full of concern, her eyes moving to Colby’s and then back to mine. Now I feel even worse for worrying them.
I take another breath. “He took me driving and we talked. When we got back, he got real upset and got out of his truck and just walked off.” Tears fill my eyes as I look at Colby and then Shiloh. “I think it was something I said but I’m not really sure. Please go find him. He’s been gone for hours!”
Shiloh looks at Colby and nods as she sits down next to me. “I’ll go. Be back soon.” He leans down and kisses Shiloh’s forehead and then walks out of the living room. I look at Shiloh as she reaches for the cup on the table, handing it to me. She pulls back my long hair over my shoulder that’s coated in snow, frozen and mangled.
“You poor thing. Catch your breath. Colby will find him.” I nod and take a drink, the warmth flowing down my body. I shiver. I take another drink quickly, leaving my hands wrapped around the cup. “Now. Tell me what happened.”
“It’s all my fault. I think. He was letting me drive on his land, getting used to it again so I could take my driver’s test when I get my birth certificate. We were just talking.” I look at her. My brows lowered, confused myself. “We started talking about my family. He asked me questions. I told him about us moving before I was I was five. How my sister hated it and how she had to leave the boy behind that she fell in love with.” Shiloh’s brows raise high, her eyes widening. “Once we got back to the house he just stormed off. Shiloh? Did I do something wrong? He wouldn’t even look at me. Talk to me.”
She looks at me, her face changing to an emotion I can’t decipher. “Prie. Where is your sister?”
I swallow hard, having to tell this again hurts so much. “She was killed in a car accident.”
Her face scrunches, her brows lower as her face turns serious. “Prie, what is your sister’s name.”
“Hattie.”
She gasps and now I’m even more confused.
“Why does this matter? Why is he so upset?” I shake my head, my hair falling down around me. “I don’t understand.”
We both turn our heads as the door opens and Colby walks in. I watch him remove his coat and then walk towards us. “Colby?” Shiloh asks.
“He’s okay. He’s back home. Tired and cold but he’s okay.” He looks down at me and then at Shiloh. “He asked if Prie can stay here tonight.” My heart stops. He’s mad at me but I don’t know why. I don’t understand what I’ve done.
I feel her arm wrap around my shoulders and look down, everything shutting off. “Of course she can stay with us,” she says sweetly. Too nice. She’s trying to be comforting, I know. All I feel is numb, out of body. Her hand squeezes my arm. “I’ll go set up her old room, make it nice and cozy. Why don’t you come up with me, bring your drink.” I nod, struggling to stand. Ditto stands and my legs are so tired but I finally manage. I don’t look at Colby, embarrassed. I follow her out of the living room and climb the stairs slowly behind her, Ditto climbing them beside me. If only I knew what I did wrong. I could make it up to him, somehow. Apologize. All I did was talk about my family, answer the questions he was asking.
We get to the room I stayed in before and I walk in as she walks past it. I flip on the light and look around. Clean. It looks just the way it did when I stayed here before. I turn my head when Shiloh walks back in, carrying clean sheets. Quietly we remove the old ones and I help her put the new ones on. “Let’s get you out of those wet clothes and into a nightgown of mine then under the warm covers. Why don’t you go into the bathroom and use my blow dryer to get your hair dry.” She smiles and I nod, walking out of the room, with Ditto following me, not letting me out of his sight. My head hurts, almost more than my legs and feet from walking, struggling to get here through the snow. I dry my hair, using her brush to try to get the snarls out. When I get back to the room, she hands
me one of her nightgowns and I walk back into the bathroom and change. I feel a little warmer after removing my cold, wet clothes and my hair is dried.
When I walk back into the room, she’s sitting on the end of the bed. She pats the mattress for me to sit down. I crawl under the covers but sit back against the headboard. Ditto jumps onto the bed and lays down beside me, keeping me warm. Shiloh looks at me and smiles. “You know you didn’t do anything wrong, Prie.” Do I? She lets out a small laugh. “Trevor is such a good person. He has such a big heart. He just doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings very well. You see…. I think your sister is the little girl who moved away from him. From what he’s told me, they were inseparable.” I gasp, not meaning to, and place my hand over my mouth quickly. Ditto raises his head and looks at me. “He thought she’d forgotten about him. He wrote to her so often and never received a reply. Oh, he knew it was probably her parents – your parents – that didn’t mail them but he thought after she’d gotten older she would have found a way. But when his grammy died, he lost everything and ended up having to move around a lot to make a new life for himself.” She looks down and picks at something invisible on the comforter. “He should be the one telling you this but I know he’s struggling right now dealing with the news of her death.”
It all makes sense now. But I wish he would have told me. Wish I could be someone he felt he could confide in, let me hold him to help him through his grief. Now I’m sad for him. I reach over and start petting Ditto, his head laying back down.
“He’s a proud man,” she continues, looking back up at me. “Too proud sometimes.” She smiles again and pats my leg. “So you see, it’s not anything you’ve done but it’s his way of dealing with the news. He’s used to handling things on his own, not having anyone to help him for so long. The best thing you can do for him is to give him some time. You taking care of you, healing, and becoming the woman you are meant to be. That will help him right now.”
“Really? I feel like I want and need to do more for him,” I whisper.
She stands and takes the few steps to my side then sits down next to me. She pulls me into her arms and does something I haven’t had in so long. She hugs me. “Yes. Best thing you can do. Take care of you.” I nod and can’t help but hug her back. It feels so good, comforting. She moves back and looks into my eyes, brushing away some of my hair from my face. “You’ve made some great progress in just the short time since everything’s happened. I’ll have Colby go over in the morning and check on him. Will that make you feel better?” I nod rapidly and let out a sigh. “Good. Me too. You know he’s my best friend. I worry about him too.” She leans over and kisses my cheek then rubs her thumb over my skin, lovingly. Like something Mom used to do. “You try to get a good night sleep. Okay?” I can only nod, not sure of what to say. She looks at Ditto and laughs. “Do you mind company?” I shake my head and stroke his soft fur.
She gets up and leaves the room, turning off the light as she walks through the door, closing it behind her. I scoot down into the mattress, bringing the covers up to my neck. Ditto moves closer. Warm. Safe. Yet I lay here looking at the moonlight filtering in through the blinds on the window, giving the room a little light. All I can think about is Trevor. He’s hurting, much like I did when Hattie was killed. Much like I did when I watched my parents get killed. I turn over onto my side, placing a hand under my pillow beneath my head and let out a sigh. I want to run back over there so badly, be there for him, comfort him, and try to help take away his pain. But he doesn’t want me there. He’s a proud man. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I’m done with that. After being taken and all the things that were done to me, I turned into a scared girl. I want to be the woman I’m supposed to be. I need to be strong. I used to be a strong young girl, before, stronger than Hattie was. She was a few years older than me but yet she was so much more fragile. Memories begin to wash over me. Playing in the backyard and then after moving and when I started school, how we’d walk there together. Her arm around me, talking a mile a minute, making the time go by so fast. I didn’t get to have her in my life long enough. Everything’s been taken from me. I feel a tear slide from my eye and down my face into my hair. Nevertheless, the memories keep coming and for once, I let them.
Chapter Seven
Trevor
I walked and walked until I couldn’t walk anymore. Even though I’m doin’ better without that dang crutch, I could sure use it right now. Thoughts of Hattie fillin’ my head. My heart. She tried to contact me. Tried to find me. She’s dead. Tears stream down my face, the cold wind burnin’ my skin. I shiver as I continue to walk. How do I come to terms with this? All this time I thought she’d forgotten me. What we had. I never forgot. Every day I thought of her. What was she doin’? Was she happy? I had women, for sex only, satisfyin’ my need but never satisfyin’ my heart. Nothin’ ever could. It may seem silly to some, holdin’ on to memories from my youth, thinkin’ we’d have a chance to be together. I hoped. I prayed. That someday she’d find me or I’d find her. We’d be together again, live a happy life together, and make new memories. Dammit! I kick a log down by my pond. The sun is startin’ to set. Prie must be frantic with worry.
Prie.
What do I say to her? How can I explain my actions? I made love to her! Hattie’s little sister. Although in my dream, it was Hattie in my mind, my heart. However, when I realized it wasn’t a dream, I looked down at Prie’s sweet face and my heart began to beat for another reason. I felt somethin’ I hadn’t felt since my youth. She awakened somethin’ in me, somethin’ I thought had died. My heart started beatin’ for her. She’s young, stronger than she thinks. She’s come so far already. She’s so different than Hattie, in so many ways, yet that familiarity was there. Little signs I’d see every once in a while. A look – a mannerism. Always made me curious.
I turn around and start the long trek home. How can I face her? She’ll think I’m insane, if she doesn’t already. My feelin’s are all over the place. I need time to grieve, get my shit together. It takes me another half hour to get home. I’m freezin’ and can’t see well in the darkness. Don’t know my land well enough yet to navigate. The sun set a little bit ago makin’ me pick up my pace. When I reach the porch steps, I notice there are no lights on in the house. That’s strange. I try to open the door but it’s locked. I dig in my pocket. Empty. I walk over to my truck, my feet frozen and numb. Thoughts of needin’ to get a new pair of boots enter my head and flee quickly when I see my keys are still in the ignition. Fear ignites and I grab them quickly then head for the door. I walk inside, my heart beatin’ frantically. Where could she be? I frightened her, scared her away. She has nowhere to go. Shiloh. Just then a knock sounds on the front door and I turn around quickly and run there. I open the door and Colby passes me quickly into the house.
“Where is she? Is she okay?” My breathin’ is labored, my body chilled and worry is overtakin’ me.
He grasps my arms, lookin’ at me with concern. “She’s okay. She arrived at our house and is pretty cold and tired but she’s okay, Trevor. What in the hell happened?” I go into the long story, takin’ her drivin’, askin’ my questions and what her answers did to me.
I run my fingers through my damp hair. “I guess I just freaked out. Scared her. I didn’t mean to. I need to deal with it but right now, I’m not sure how. I’ve always coped in my own way ‘bout things. Never had anyone who cared a lick about helpin’ me get through things, always had to rely on myself. Guess I’m not used to people bein’ nice and wantin’ to help.” I look down, lettin’ out a deep sigh. He pats my shoulder and gives me a smile.
“Yeah. I’m sure that’s tough to do. But we’re here for you, Trevor. You know that. I know you know that this isn’t Prie’s fault.” I nod. I do know this. I just don’t know what to do about it.
“I think…. I think it would be best if she stayed with ya’ll tonight, if that’s o
kay.” He nods slowly. “I just need some time to get a grip on things, ya know? I know it’s not her fault but she just reminds me of….”
He takes a step back and towards the door, stoppin’ and turnin’ his head to me. “I get it, man. I do. Just don’t wait too long to talk to her. Okay?”
I walk him to the door, open it and hold onto the frame. “Thanks, Colby. You’re good folk. I appreciate it. Really I do.” He turns around and shakes my hand then I watch him walk out the door.
I close the door, my hand layin’ flat against the wood, my head bent low. I’ve messed up again. Right now, I wish I could go to a gym or hit somethin’ to relieve the pressure on my heart. I raise my head and turn around and walk to the kitchen. I walk clear through to the back door and slide it open, the cold breeze hittin’ me hard. Closin’ it behind me, I look up at the sky, takin’ a deep breath and lettin’ the coolness fill my lungs. I walk down the deck steps and across the yard, headin’ for my destination. When I open the barn doors, a breeze blows in behind me, whippin’ around and into the large area. The hay is strewn around, just as I left it. I pick up the pitchfork and start diggin’ underneath a bunch, throwin’ it into one of the stalls. An hour goes by before I know it, my arms achin’ as well as my leg and shoulder. I’m overdoin’ it, I know. But it’s keepin’ my mind off Prie. I stop and set the pitchfork down, holdin’ onto the top of the handle. Prie. I didn’t say Hattie. I was hopin’ not to think about Prie. What a change. I had hidden Hattie so far back in my mind over the years and then when I heard she was killed it all came to the surface again. Couldn’t think of nothin’ else. Now, I’m afraid I’ll be thinkin’ of Prie. Would that be so bad? She deserves so much more than me. I’m damaged. Beyond damaged. She deserves someone who can treat her right. Take her out to the movies, buy her nice things. Somethin’ else I’ve never experienced before just happened. A pang of jealousy sweeps through me, my blood boilin’. To think of anyone touchin’ her, kissin’ those pouty lips, feelin’ her curves and silky skin. Dammit!