by L. B. Dunbar
“Who says we would have settled here?”
“I like it here,” I admit. “Either way, you had an inevitable accident, and if you didn’t have your future production company, what would you have?”
“A family,” Gavin huffs, startling me with his answer.
Gavin leans forward, resting his arms over his knees. He’s thoughtful a second before asking, “What do we do now?”
“I think first we introduce the idea to Gee. Let him guide us a bit. Let him say how and when he wants to see you.”
“What if he’s angry with you?” Gavin turns to me, a grim line to his lips.
“He doesn’t have a choice with me. I’m his mom.” Gee might be angry, but he’ll have to learn to live with it and get over it. Harboring anger takes a lot of energy, and I don’t recommend it.
“I wish I hadn’t had the choice taken from me about being his dad.” Gavin looks back toward the lake, and I absorb the sting of his words. He has a right to be upset, and I’ll take what he dishes for now.
“You can still be his dad. You’re his father.” I remind him. Gavin twists his lips and nods his head.
“Would have liked to have the choice to make my own decision about us, too,” he states.
“I don’t think we factor into this now,” I say, knowing that Gavin can never forgive me for what I’ve done, but we need to be adults if we are to share our son.
He turns his head in my direction, roaming along the side of my body. I’d like to say there’s heat in his eyes, but there isn’t. “I guess you’re right. About us.”
“You wouldn’t have wanted to marry me.” I attempt to sound teasing, but the glare he aims at me kills the joke. He doesn’t deny it, though.
“What time is your flight?” I ask. I vaguely remember it’s sometime this afternoon.
“I canceled it.”
“You did?”
His eyes narrow, focusing on the lake before us. “I didn’t think it would be right to rush off, and I want to talk to Gee.”
I nod. That was thoughtful. It also means the pressure is on to tell Gee the truth of his parentage. Tears well in my eyes. Not that it will crush Gee to learn Gavin is his dad, but to learn that Patrick wasn’t could really hurt him. I fear for his confusion and his anger. He might hate me, as Gavin mocked.
Suddenly, Gavin stands and turns to face me. He swipes his hands over his pants pockets. He’s in jeans, so he changed at some point from his tux.
“I’m not sure where I’m staying yet as I need to vacate the rental later today. Maybe I’ll crash at Ethan’s for a few days. I don’t know yet, but I’d like to come back this afternoon to see Gee.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and blink back the tears at the rush of how final things will be.
“And you’re wrong, Britton. I would have married you because I loved you that weekend like I had loved you before it.” While my heart hammers at his words, it’s the unsaid that breaks me. He doesn’t love me now, and he won’t love me ever again.
Take 23
Scene: The Scott’s Cherry Farm
[Gavin]
After leaving Britton on her porch, I decide against going to Ethan’s because of the early hour and the desire to speak to another person instead.
“Mum?” The sun has just risen, and a new day dawns. Mum looks tired as I stand on the front porch of my family home after knocking on the door. My parents are early risers, and I knew they would be awake. However, I’m grateful it’s Mum who answered the door.
“Gavin, lovie, you don’t need to knock.” She steps back, allowing me space to enter the old house, and I’m thrown back by the nostalgia of entering. The faded plaid couch covered with a homemade afghan. The foot-worn carpet leading to the kitchen. The old piano we dreaded playing, but Mum loved. A million memories rush back to me.
“Is Dad home?”
Mum’s naked brow lifts in surprise as I glance over at her. “He’s already up and out,” she states, heading toward the kitchen. My father works hard. We often joked he purposely disappeared in the orchard, but he really is a hard worker. It’s all the better that he’s not here, though, as I really want to speak just with Mum first.
“I didn’t know where to go,” I say, which isn’t totally the truth. I’d gone to Britton first because after I’d driven around, lost in my head, she was the only place I could think of to go. I could have stayed at Ethan’s, as I mentioned to Britton, but for some reason, my heart told me to come here instead.
Mum takes her same seat at the kitchen table—the place unofficially assigned to her, yet she always sat there. In my head, I see us gathered around the wood oval, tight and loud. Ethan is yelling to pass something; Karyn is complaining. Mum and Dad silently smile at one another. Familiar scents also waft through my thoughts. Fresh coffee. Cherry pie. Sugar cookies. I take my unofficial assigned seat at the worn-wood table, feeling like a teen again, one full of weight on my shoulders and questions in my head. However, I’m not a child anymore.
“Why didn’t you ever say something, Mum? If you suspected he was mine, why didn’t you mention it?” I hate to leap to the heart of things, but there’s no other place to start.
“What could I have said? Like we mentioned last night, it didn’t add up. Britton never told us after you left about you being back in town for that weekend.” Mum looks down at her fingers, and my head lowers.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you.”
Mum waves a hand, dismissing it, but I know I’ve hurt her. It’s more than the weekend escape. I’ve been hurting her by not visiting more often.
“I don’t know what to do next, Mum,” I say, tipping back my head and staring up at the ceiling. Without looking, I sense her shift beside me.
“You love that child, Gavin.” The firmness in her tone snaps my head upright, and I stare at her. “You love that boy because he’s your flesh and blood. He didn’t ask for his life to go the way it went.” Her meaning becomes very clear. Do not blame the child for the sins of the parents.
“But I’m going to ask you to go one step farther, lovie. Have patience with her.” She doesn’t need to say Britton’s name. “She was young, alone, and went through a lot all at once.”
“She didn’t have to be alone. I could have been there for her.”
Mum sadly smiles and shakes her head. “It’s easy to sit here, thirteen years later, and say what you would have done. We all have a certain perspective looking in the rearview mirror, but we can’t know anything for certain.”
“Because she didn’t give me the chance,” I interject.
“Because you view your life from your current position looking behind you, and even if you had answers, it’s not how the path of your life went. You played ball. You had an accident. You’re shifting into a new career, and now you’ve become a dad. It’s how you move forward, not back. We can’t ever go back.”
Mum shakes her head, and I wonder if she has regrets, things she’d change, things she’d do differently. She gave up her family to follow Dad and move here to be with him. She’s never mentioned being unhappy with her decisions, but is she?
“Are you happy here, Mum?” The question falls out.
“I’m where I always knew I’d end up. I followed my heart, and this is the path it led me on.” She taps her chest. “You’ve followed yours in many ways as well, and right now, the door is open for a new direction. Only you can decide if you’ll walk through that door and take the adventure before you or not.”
Mum smiles, but slowly, her expression falls. “But know this, while life is a ride of ups and downs, fatherhood is not a cart you can step out of.”
I snort because I feel as if my father did that. He walked away, but I also pushed him. Mum shakes her head. “You’ll never understand the decisions he made.” She means my father, and she pats my arm. “But someday, sooner rather than later, you just might understand.”
Leaning forward, I place my elbows on the table and scrub at my face. �
�I need to find a place to stay. I’m gonna hang around a bit longer. Britton and I have a lot to figure out.”
Mum reaches across the table to cover my wrist. I notice her hands are so thin. Her fingers curl, and the veins on the back of her hand stand out like rivers, if only her blood flowed with health and not chemo. Despite her fragile state, Mum’s hold on my arm is as firm as ever. “This is your home, Gavin. You’re always welcome here.”
I cup her hand over mine and bring it up to my lips. Pressing my lips to her knuckles, I mutter to them. “I’m sorry I haven’t been better.” A better son. A better brother. A better person to Britton.
“You’ve always been the best you, my darling boy. I’ll expect nothing less in the future.” She reaches up and strokes over my head like I’m still a child, and I accept that I am still her child. Holding her hand, I promise myself to be a better person in one area of my life. I will be a good father to my son.
+ + +
“So Gavin and I have something we’d like to share with you,” Britton begins when I return around lunchtime. I needed a nap before we spoke to Gee, as I’d been on Britton’s porch most of the night. I also had to call Joe as I didn’t know how long I’d be in Elk Lake City, and I couldn’t think further than today.
Gee looks hesitantly from his mom to me and back. Britton licks her lips, wanting to reach out for his hand, but he’s holding a sandwich in his. She thought having lunch would be the best way to discuss this.
“Gee, I’m going to say this fast and then backtrack, okay?”
Gee sets down his sandwich, glancing from me to his mom.
“Gavin is your dad.”
Gee doesn’t move. His brows pinch tight, forming a deep crease.
“Remember when I said we were friends. He’d been my boyfriend at one time, and we saw each other again. That was thirteen years ago.”
“But I’m twelve,” he reminds us.
“Yes but remember, it takes nine months for a baby to be born.” Her eyes shift to me. I’m under the assumption she’s already had the talk with him about how babies are made.
“But what about Dad?”
Britton reaches for his hand now, squeezing it while it remains closed under hers. “Patrick was your dad in every sense of the word. He loved you. He took care of you. Of us. I married him when you were still a baby, but he wasn’t the one who got me pregnant. He wasn’t your biological father.”
Silence fills the room, and I sit there numb and quiet myself, letting Britton lead.
“Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Gee’s eyes fill with liquid as he looks over at me. “Where were you?” I glance at Britton before scooting back my chair and angling toward Gee.
“I didn’t know you were my child until yesterday. Remember when Mrs. Drummond called you my twin? That’s the first I’d heard of this. I’d been starting to wonder because we have the same name and dates were matching up, but I didn’t know you were mine until yesterday.”
I focus on Gee. “I know it’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?”
“But where were you?” Gee addresses me.
“I was living in California, and your mom”—I glance at Britton—“she didn’t know how to find me.”
“But you were famous?” His voice cracks, and he swipes at a tear.
“Gee, have you ever tried to get in touch with someone famous? It’s not easy.” Gee nods as though he understands, but I don’t know if he does. “The point is, now I know, and I’d like to be in your life.”
“But you live in California.” He’s stating the obvious, and I’m just as stumped at the moment what that means.
“I do. I was thinking you could come to visit me, or maybe I could come to visit you.” Britton falls back, crossing her arms as she stares at me over her kitchen table. She chews at her lip as this is the first she’s heard my thoughts. Just yesterday, I was considering visiting home more often, possibly moving here, but now, I just don’t know what to do.
“For now, I’m here, and I’d like to spend some time with you.”
“For how long?” Gee asks, and the questions surprise me. “For how long will you stay here?” His voice rises a little, and I look at Britton as I’m sensing I’m missing something.
“Gee, tell us what you’re thinking.”
“Dad was only around for nine years. How long will Gavin live?”
Jesus, what?
“Honey, Gavin isn’t sick like Patrick was. He’s perfectly healthy.” She glances at me to confirm, and I nod.
“I don’t really know where to go from here, buddy. I want to be a part of your life, if you’ll let me, that’s all I know. And I have a big family so that means they want you as part of their life also.”
Gee stares at me and then looks at his mom. I wish I could read all his thoughts, but I imagine it’s difficult to absorb. I’m struggling. Gee is amazing. I’m proud to be his father, and I want to get to know him better. I want to be his dad. My struggle is with Britton. I don’t know how to categorize her. I don’t know where she fits because as much as I fight it, she’s more than just Gee’s mom to me.
“You’re Holden’s uncle, right?”
“Yes,” I clarify. “Which means Holden is your cousin. So are his sisters, Meghan and Madison. Karyn and Tom are your aunt and uncle, like my brother Ethan is your uncle. Soon, he’ll marry Ella, and she will be your aunt.”
“Are you and mom getting married?” His tone turns more hopeful as he glances between the two of us, and I swallow on how to answer.
“Your mom and I have a lot to work out.” I’d love to explain how relationships take trust, and I don’t trust her right now. I don’t trust her to be honest with me, and relationships involve honesty as well.
“But you like each other. I mean, I saw you kissing her at the wedding and holding her hand.”
I slowly nod. “Yeah, buddy, I like her.” I look over at Britton, who swipes tears off her cheeks.
“And you really liked her if you had sex with her.”
“Gee,” Britton shrieks, her expression shifting to a scowl.
“Well, you told me sex was how babies are made, and sex should only happen when two people love each other. Did you love each other?”
Holy crap, this kid.
“Yeah, I loved your mom,” I admit. “I still do, but it’s a little different now.”
“How is it different?” he questions.
“Well, don’t you love . . . like your best friend. Loving a friend isn’t like loving a girl. You love your mom, right? But that’s also not the same as loving a girl. There are different types of love.” I’m pretty proud of my explanation and glance at Britton for approval.
“And you don’t love Mom enough to marry her?” he questions.
“Gee, Gavin has a lot to sort out just like us. He just learned the truth, and things like marrying someone take time. I’m not saying we will marry someday. I’m just saying marriage isn’t what we are talking about today. We are talking about you. Telling you that Gavin is your father, and he’d like to get to know you.”
“Can you coach my baseball team like Coach Carter does for Holden?”
“Well, I . . .” I pause, glancing at Britton. “I think the position is covered for this year. Your season is almost over, and you’re going to Cooperstown soon.”
Shit. That’s right, he has that trip coming up.
“Are you going with us?”
I glance at Britton again, and she leans toward the table. “We only have tickets for us,” she tells him.
“But maybe next year,” I say to him, sounding like the old baseball adage. What will I do next year? Can I coach his little league team? I can’t do that while living in California.
“It’s only for twelve-year-olds,” he informs me, and I glance back at his mother.
“Well, I’ll need to think about it.”
Gee looks up at me. “That’s okay. My dad used to say the same thing, and it always meant no.”
“Gee,” Britton hisses, but Gee pushes back his chair and looks at her.
“May I be excused?”
“What about your sandwich?” she says, noting his unfinished lunch.
“I’m not hungry.”
She nods, and he leaves the room without looking back at us. I swipe a hand through my hair and sit back in the chair.
“Why am I thinking all he got out of that is that I can’t go to Cooperstown?”
“Can’t or won’t?” she asks, and I narrow my eyes at her.
“Seeing as I’ve only had five seconds to consider it, I’m not certain how to answer.” My agitation grows. I want to work this out, but I don’t know how. Britton stands to clear Gee’s lunch and her own. When she comes back to the table, reaching for my unfinished sandwich, I catch her wrist and tug her to me.
“Help me. I don’t want to do the wrong thing here.”
Tears fill her eyes again, and she blinks rapidly. “I can’t tell you what to do. You’ll need to follow your heart with him. Do you want to be involved or not?”
“I want to be involved, but I don’t know how to be from the other side of the country.”
“As you said, we’ll work it out. Maybe you can come back to visit, or he can go visit you.” With those words, she breaks free of my clasp and turns for the counter. Keeping her back to me, she slumps her shoulders, and I sense her tears. My body wants to reach out for her, step over to the counter, and press into her back, wrapping my arms around her. However, my heart is too raw, so I let her have her tears, and I silently stare down at the table, wrestling with my own thoughts.
How will we work this out?
+ + +
When I finally leave Britton’s, I have a promise from her that she’ll bring Gee to dinner at my parents’ tomorrow night. Mum insisted I stay at the house, and I acquiesced. When I expressed my concerns for my father’s opinion, she told me she’d handle my dad. She always did. Jack Scott does not deny his wife anything, so I left things to her as she said. I have enough on my plate.