by L. B. Dunbar
“I’m undecided,” she says, fighting the small smile finally coming to her face.
“How can I make the decision for you?” I tease, but I don’t wait for an answer. I lean forward and kiss her again.
Take 27
Scene: Lakefront Dock
[Britton]
A few days after Gavin’s declaration to move here, I’m still hesitant to believe it, as if I need someone to pinch me to prove it’s all real. He’s been in my bed every night and spends evenings with Gee and me after work, falling into line with the shuffle of baseball games. Gee and I leave on Friday for Cooperstown, and we’ll be gone for almost a full week.
Gavin needs to return to California for his new company and to wrap up a few things, as he calls it, regarding the apartment he has there. These are the things weighing on me. I’m worried he’ll get to California and remember why he loves it there, preferring it to here, and he won’t return. The anxiety makes me edgy at moments, and it’s like he reads the signs, distracting me with sweet kisses or his tender touch.
Today is the last day he’ll be here, and he’s offered to spend the day with Gee at my place. He called it babysitting, but I told him fathers don’t babysit.
“It’s called fatherhood,” I teased. Still, I’ve had an unsettling feeling of more change coming. The weather is still holding out, but something’s lingering that I can’t put my finger on.
Once at work, I settle into my routine. Gavin has risen to sainthood among Henry and Jenna for putting Rebecca Sterling in her place and making her disappear.
“Like that house falling on the Wicked Witch of the West,” Jenna says.
“Please, God, tell me you know which movie that happened in,” Henry teases.
“Very funny,” Jenna remarks without answering, and Henry and I exchange a look. Surely, she knows the classic, right?
My phone eventually rings just after noon, and I answer when I see it’s Theo calling. His words come out in a rush, and I can hardly understand a thing he says.
“Slow down, Theo.” I exhale into the phone, stepping away from the counter. Jenna’s head pops up as she pours hot water over fresh tea leaves.
“Gavin let Gee go out in the boat with Holden.” He breathes heavily as he speaks.
“Okay.” Not the best plan, but not the worst. “So where are the boys? Can Gavin wave them in?”
“That’s just it. They’re nowhere in sight.”
I take a deep breath, but my heart rate accelerates. “Okay, what about calling them?” Gee’s been told never to go without his phone. He didn’t have one until we moved here. It’s just a way of life for young kids with working moms, and I need to be able to get in touch with him or him with me.
“I’ve tried like six times. He isn’t answering.”
“Where’s Gavin?” I grit. I don’t want to lose it, but I’m starting to lose it.
“He called Tom so they could take out his boat to search for the boys.”
“Okay,” I say, slipping a hand into my hair and holding it back. “Okay, this is good.”
“You know that boat is old,” Theo reminds me. It’s one of the first things he said when he arrived at my house this summer, warning me that the boat needed to be sealed or patched or just replaced. It’s not something I could afford. Even a decent used one costs too much, and we don’t use the thing that often anyway.
“I know, Theo.”
“The motor is sketchy.” Theo warned me about the motor and how its tank was too small for the size of the boat, thus using up the gas too quickly.
“Not helping, Theo,” I mutter, gathering my bag. Henry’s in the back room, and I peer up at him, motioning to the phone. “I need to go,” I mouth. “I’m going to leave now. How long have the boys been gone?”
“Gavin doesn’t know.”
“What do you mean Gavin doesn’t know?”
“When I got home, he was on the phone. He said he’d been on the phone most of the morning, and he lost track of time.”
So much for spending the day with his son. “I’m on my way,” I say before hanging up.
“Everything okay?” Jenna asks, leaning against the opening to the back.
“No. Gavin wasn’t paying attention, and Gee and Holden went out in our old fishing boat. Theo says Gavin doesn’t know how long they’ve been gone, and they aren’t within sight of the house.” My heart beats faster as I try not to consider all that could go wrong.
“They’ll be okay,” Jenna reassures me, reaching out to pull me in for a quick hug. I nod but can’t get on board with her encouraging words. The lake is attached to three other lakes and two rivers. The middle of one lake is almost as deep as Lake Michigan, and some parts of the lake have seaweed traps and springs that could easily pull a person under.
As I try not to panic, I tremble while speeding to my home. Theo said Tom put in a call to the local sheriff’s department as it’s two kids on the lake. He didn’t say lost, and I’m hoping they aren’t lost. I’m praying Gee just pulled one over on Gavin, which wasn’t right, and wasn’t fair, but why wasn’t Gavin paying more attention?
When I pull into the drive, Theo is pacing the dock, and I race down to him. I pull him into my arms, squeezing him tight before releasing him.
“Anything?”
“Nothing.”
I try to call Gavin, but no one answers. I don’t want to make assumptions, so I’m simply hoping he didn’t hear the phone, not that he’s ignoring me because he knows I’ll be upset.
I call Karyn next. I have her number because Holden and Gee are friends. She’s just gotten home from work and doesn’t know any more than me.
“I’m coming down,” she says, her voice filled with concern like mine, and I return to pacing the dock.
Eventually, a pontoon boat looks as if it’s headed in our direction. As the craft draws closer, I count five heads. Two boys. Three men. Jack Scott is with them.
“Oh, thank God.” I almost fall to my knees.
“Is that them?” I hadn’t heard Karyn approach, but her running feet shake the metal dock.
“Yes.” I’m so happy I could almost cry, and the emotion clashes with my previous anxiety. Tom pulls up next to the dock, and Theo takes the rope Tom tosses him to tie them off. The boys are each wrapped in towels over their life jackets.
“What happened?” I ask, my voice cracking with relief.
“The boat tipped,” Tom answers for them as Gavin helps the boys off the boat.
“What were you doing out there?” I demand, although I already know.
“Gavin said I could go,” Gee says, though his sheepish voice gives away how he knew he wasn’t allowed to go out on the water without an adult.
My eyes try to grab Gavin’s, but he’s busy tying up the back of the boat. As Gee nears me, I tug him into me.
“Are you alright?” I lower before him. “Are you hurt?”
His eyes fill with tears, and he leans toward me. I wrap my arms around him again, holding him to me, kissing his head.
“I’m sorry, Mom. It was so scary.”
I want to know every detail, but first, I want to soak in this moment of him standing safely before me. Gavin finally exits the boat after helping his dad.
“Seems the boat flipped somehow, and they were holding it like the Titanic door.” Gavin gives me a weak smile, but I fail to find humor at this moment.
“You could have drowned,” I say, pressing Gee back from me. “I could have lost you.” I stare at him as tears roll down his cheek. “I’d have nothing if I didn’t have you, do you understand? You’re everything to me.” I pull him back to me and hold him against me as if I can keep him attached to me. I glance up at Gavin. I have so much to say to him, but I can’t think right now.
“Britton, I’m—”
“Don’t,” I snap. I don’t want to hear his apology or how he didn’t mean for it to happen. “You wanted to spend time with him. What was so important?”
Gavin looks around
him, his father and sister staring as well.
“I was talking to Joe, my partner. We—”
“You’re leaving tonight. It couldn’t wait?”
“Mom,” Gee whispers, pulling back from me.
“You want to be a father, then you need to be involved. You need to pay attention. It’s not just tossing balls and batting practice.” I’m not being fair, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I’m upset. For the past hour, I’ve had to fight the fear of losing the only thing left in my life.
“You know what? You’re right. I don’t know the first thing about being a dad. I know shit all about being a parent as it was just sprung on me, but I’m trying here, Britton. I’m trying.”
I don’t respond, remembering too late we have an audience to my breakdown.
“Are you paying attention? I’ve been here for three weeks and been with you almost every night, chasing you all over the place to collect every minute with you. It’s like I’m a fucking teenager again, wanting every part of you, but you’re not letting me in. You’re still holding back.”
I stare at him. I’ve let him in. He’s been around like he said, but he’s always got one foot outside this state. I’m so afraid he’ll leave and not return. Maybe I haven’t completely opened to him because I’m scared he’ll take my heart again and leave me without his.
Gavin takes a deep breath. “I need to go. I’ve got to collect my bags and—”
“That’s right, you need to go. We’re always on a time limit, and maybe that time is up.”
Gavin stares at me, and Gee looks up. “Mom, stop fighting with him.”
“You almost lost our son, Gavin.” I’m visibly shaking with the reality of what could have happened on that rickety boat. “He’s all I have in life. He’s all I have.” I repeat myself to emphasize my fear as I feel myself slipping toward dark thoughts. Gee is mine, and I can’t lose him. I’ve already lost too much, too many important people, Gavin being one of them—repeatedly.
He steps closer to me. “But I didn’t,” he says, trying to make amends, but I’m too wound up to think straight.
“Just leave.” He wants to go anyway. Gee steps out of my arms and throws his around Gavin’s waist. The betrayal cuts deep, and I gasp as Gee clings to Gavin. Gavin rubs a hand over Gee’s head with tenderness and affection and then bends to kiss the top of it. “Gee, buddy, first lesson in love. Always know when to walk away from a no-win argument.”
Gavin presses Gee back and looks him right in the eyes. “I’ll call you later tonight.”
He releases Gee and walks around us, the dock rumbling under the heaviness of his retreating feet. I watch him walk away, feeling like I’m dying inside before I turn back to find his father, brother-in-law, and sister staring after him.
Jack steps closer to me. “You’re a part of our family. No matter what.” He stares at me. “Do you understand? No matter what.”
I nod to accept his words as my tears begin to fall. He pats my cheek and then follows his son.
“His priorities are so fucked,” Karyn says of her brother.
“Mom!” Holden shrieks, surprised at his mother’s swearing, but it’s Gee who concerns me. He’s stone still as he watches Gavin walk away from us and possibly out of our lives. This time, I feel like it really is my fault.
Take 28
Scene: The Driveway
[Gavin]
“Gavin.” I hear my dad holler after me, but I’m not in the mood for him. I’ve just been schooled by the love of my life in front of my family and my kid. That shit stings. I realize I’d been distracted, and it was my fault the boys were out of my sight. She has no idea how my heart dropped when I saw the boat missing or how I panicked, calling Tom for help before calling her. I wasn’t prepared to tell her I’d lost her child—our child—because I know how she feels. He’s her everything, and only him.
When I want to be part of that everything as well.
“Not now, Dad,” I sarcastically call over my shoulder. To my surprise, my old man is catching up to me.
“Gavin, you need to listen.”
“Listen?” I turn on him once I’ve reached the gravel drive. “What is there to hear? You just heard her. She’s done with me. I’m not going to win here.”
“Gavin, do not walk away from this.”
“I’m not walking away.” I stare at him.
“No, you’re running. Just like you did from baseball.”
“Oh my God, Dad. Not this again. I didn’t run away from baseball. I quit.”
“Is there a difference? You’re quitting right now.” He glares at me with all the intensity of my own eyes. Mum always said we matched in stature, eye color and personality. Only Jack Scott was never a quitter, and according to him, I am.
“I’m not quitting. I’ll be responsible for Gee, but Britton wants nothing to do with me.”
“You almost lost her son today. Your son. She’s entitled to a little breakdown in judgment at the moment.”
“I didn’t almost lose her son,” I say, but it’s not exactly true. I didn’t flip that boat, but I allowed Gee to go in that rickety old thing. “But believe me when I say I’d rather have my heart ripped out than lose that kid.”
“Then what in God’s name was more important than paying attention to him?”
“I was working out details with Joe so we could start the company, so I could stay here.”
My dad’s eyes widen.
“But it doesn’t matter now, does it? Britton doesn’t want me anyway.”
“What about Gee? What if he wants you here?”
“Well, didn’t I just prove I suck as a father? Dad of the year right here.” I pound at my chest, where my heart still hammers, recalling the flipped boat and the fear those boys were lost to us forever.
“Gavin, no father is perfect.”
“But you were,” I remind him. “The great Jack Scott was never wrong. Never quit. Never stopped. Never gave up. However you want to look at it.”
Dad steps closer to me. “The way I look at it is my greatest failure was losing you.”
I stare at him. “What?”
“I pushed and pushed, and your mother warned me. I’d done to you what my father had done to me. How do you think I ended up in Ireland, of all places? She said you’d go away and never return, and that’s exactly what happened.”
I stare at my old man, looking even older than he should after Mum’s death only days ago. I’ve never heard this story. Never been told he was on the outs with his dad when his father passed away.
“You don’t need me here,” I say, the air releasing from me like a loose balloon.
“What I needed was my son to come home and see us. See his mother who missed him.”
Way to drive in the knife. But he isn’t wrong. I’ve done them wrong, especially Mum, and now she’s gone. Forever gone. Tears burn my eyes because I almost lost Gee today, too. I just got him, and I almost lost him. For that fact, I’ve finally returned home as they wished but look what happened to my mother.
“Maybe if I’d stayed away, Mum would still be here. She’d still be waiting on me, and then you’d still have her.”
“Gavin,” my dad’s voice softens. “You know it doesn’t work that way.”
I shake my head, uncertain of so many things. “I don’t know anything anymore, Dad.”
I feel like I’ve completely lost my way in life. It’s more than losing my career in baseball. It’s losing Britton when I thought I finally had her.
+ + +
By the next morning, I’m walking into Joe’s office in the heart of Los Angeles.
“Gavin, good to see you, man, but what are you doing here?” Standing to circle his desk, he steps up to me, leaning in to give me a half hug while shaking my hand.
“We have the meeting with Bigflixs.”
“Yes.” Joe scoffs. With red hair and a face full of soft freckles, plus a tie and dress pants, Joe looks like he should be an accountant more than a movie dire
ctor. “But when we spoke yesterday, I thought we had it all worked out. I thought you were planning to stay in Michigan.”
Joe’s red eyebrows pinch. “What am I missing here?” He has a good eye for reading people and situations. It’s what made him so good behind the camera while filming Brant’s life and then turning his view wider to Juan’s and the plight of immigrant workers. He’s gone from filming a privilege to filming below poverty, and it’s a testament to his vision.
“I fucked up.”
Joe points at a seat as he perches on the edge of his desk, and I fall into the chair opposite him, explaining what happened with the boat and Gee. He laughs as I finish, but I’m puzzled by the reaction.
“Man, those moments of fear are going to happen a million times as a parent, and you’re going to make a million mistakes along the way. At the end of the day, all you can hope is you didn’t screw them up so much they can’t even explain the issue to their future therapist.” He laughs good-naturedly again.
“I could have lost him. I just found him, and he could have drowned.”
Joe sobers a bit. “I get that, and you need to soak up that fear, but also accept that it didn’t go that direction.”
“That’s what I told Britton.”
“She overreacted,” Joe states, but a question lingers in his tone as he crosses his arms over his chests and lifts two fingers to his lower lip.
“You could definitely say that.”
“Did you deserve it?”
“I—” I stare at Joe. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“Does she know how you feel about her? About Gee? Is she convinced you’d never hurt them? Does she know you’re staying for her?”
“I told her I’d move.”
“An excellent grand gesture, but did you tell her you love her?”
I laugh at Joe’s directness, but slowly, the laughter dies as Joe watches me.
“I’m not an expert at fatherhood, and I’m even less of an expert at relationships, but I’m pretty sure a woman wants to know she’s loved with actions and words. As you haven’t told her how you feel and you’re sitting in front of me and not her, I’d say you’re right. You fucked up.”