Hopeful

by Louise Bay

  “Grow up, Adam. You’re like a horny 15 year old,” spat Jules.

  “You’re just jealous. He’s way out of your league, Jules.” And their to and fro continued like that for much of the evening. Joel seemed to avoid getting involved, laughing at their banter but not commenting, and talking directly over them at times to Daniel about business. They both talked knowledgably about microfinance in Africa and the spread of mobile technologies across the continent. I talked a little to Hanna about work, but I didn’t have to say much at all. Joel was the center of attention, and my reaction to him went unnoticed. He didn’t look at me again, not even fleetingly, and I found it easier and easier to look at him knowing his eyes weren’t going to meet mine. He looked a little older, but not in any specific way. It wasn’t that he had developed laugh lines, time had been kind to him in that way; he was more tanned or taller or something.

  “So, what brought you back if you’re doing all this great stuff in Africa and the US?” Daniel asked.

  “I’m going to keep doing all that stuff, but I can do it here as well as anywhere else, and my parents are getting older. My mom has just been told she has to have a hip replacement and it seemed to be the right time as I have a few opportunities in London I can start to take a bit more seriously.”

  “So you’ve not left anyone special behind?” Hanna asked.

  “We’re his special people, Hanna,” Jules said.

  “You keep in touch with special people, wherever they are,” he replied. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach again.

  ***

  I had planned to make an excuse about an early gym session, but I surprised myself by staying for the entire evening and leaving with everyone else. I was still drawn to him, even if he was indifferent to me. Maybe that’s what made me feel so uncomfortable. He was indifferent, and it was unexpected and brought a different kind of pain. I was prepared for his anger to still be there. Even if I tried to tell myself I wasn’t, I was hoping to see some remnants of love. But indifference? I just wasn’t prepared for it.

  “Shall we go for drinks?” Jules was clearly hoping to make it a big night.

  “Yeah, let’s go to that bar on Bond Street,” Adam piped in.

  “Leah’s away, so yeah, sure,” Daniel said.

  “Daniel, you are so fucking pussy whipped. Thank god I’ve got a real man to hang out with now,” Adam sneered.

  “Cheers, Adam,” Matt said. We all knew Matt was a bit pussy whipped.

  “I’m not pussy whipped. I’ve got a hot girlfriend that I’m in love with. Of course I’d prefer to spend time with her rather than you. But if she’s not here, you’ll do. It’s that simple.” Daniel was always so clear about things. I guess that’s what made him successful.

  “You guys are great, but I have to get back,” Joel said, and he slapped Adam on the back as disappointment spread across his face. “We’ll catch up again soon enough. I’m seeing you on Tuesday for squash, right?” Adam nodded.

  “We’ll have to go to dinner and have a proper catch-up. Maybe I can cook for you at my place?” asked Jules. I watched carefully for Joel’s response. Was he up for a slice of Jules? I couldn’t tell. Damn it. He used to be so easy to read.

  “We’ll definitely do something,” he said as he kissed her cheek.

  And just like that we were filing out of the restaurant and waving down cabs, having said our goodbyes, and the only person who I hadn’t kissed goodnight—the only person who I’d not made eye contact with since the beginning of the evening—was Joel.

  I took a cab home on my own. Normally, Jules and I would have shared, but I couldn’t bear to hear her talking about Joel and her plans for him this summer, so I hopped in one and drove off before she could ask me to share.

  My phone buzzed.

  Are you ok? You seemed quiet tonight.

  It was Hanna.

  All good. Just tired. You ok?

  Fine. Come to dinner Tuesday night. x

  Great, thanks. Let me know what to bring. x

  I could do with some time away from Jules. I don’t think I could be her friend if she was with Joel. The thought gnawed at my stomach. Surely the worst was over now. He was back, we’d seen each other.

  I was dating Will.

  I was ‘getting over Joel.’

  Chapter Five

  Present

  Sunday night was another date with Will. I wasn’t sure how this worked. It was officially date three, so did that mean that he would be expecting me to sleep with him? I didn’t feel ready for that, but if that’s what I needed to do, then that’s what I would do. I scrambled about in my underwear drawer trying to find something that vaguely matched. I was running late. Will would be here any minute. He was picking me up and we were walking to a place on the high street that he liked. I’d never been—it was Turkish. Oh god, did that mean we’d be sitting on the floor? Maybe this dress wasn’t the right thing to wear.

  The doorbell rang. Going to the door in a robe was going to give him entirely the wrong idea. Holy hell, I didn’t have a choice.

  “Hey, I’m so sorry. I’m not dressed yet.”

  He had a bouquet of pink roses in his hands. “You look beautiful just like that. Don’t bother getting dressed.” He raised his eyebrows and grinned at me. Instantly I felt more relaxed. When I wasn’t with Will, I somehow imagined him differently from how he was in person. I was always more comfortable with him than I expected to be. I grinned back at him as he held out the roses.

  “They are beautiful, thank you. Can you help yourself to a glass of wine while I put these in water?” We moved into the kitchen and I found a vase.

  “Sure, can I get you one?”

  “No, I’m good. How’s work?”

  Will stood sideways to me leaning on the counter as I got to work cutting down the stems of the roses. I could feel him looking at me. He reached out and stroked my back through my robe. I was painfully aware that I wasn’t wearing much.

  “Great. It totally wiped out my weekend, but it was worth it. We really made progress.” The fact that Will was so involved with his work was one of the things I liked about him. “You look totally stunning, Ava.” His voice softened as his hands ran up my back to my neck. He was looking at me intently. “Stunning.”

  He shifted to his feet and pulled me toward him, bending his head to kiss my neck. I tilted my head to give him better access and he laid kiss after kiss from my neck to the edge of my robe, which he softly moved off my shoulder. Releasing his hands from my waist, he slowly circled me. He moved his lips around to my back as he continued his parade of kisses across my shoulder up to my neck and down to the other shoulder. I sighed and I heard him groan and he pulled me back toward him. I grabbed the back of both his rock hard thighs and held him close to me. He was good at this. I wasn’t sure that I didn’t want to sleep with him.

  “You feel good,” I whispered.

  “I do?”

  “You do.”

  “Good to know.” I felt him grin. “You feel spectacular.” Wow. I reached my arm above my head and dug my fingers into his hair. It tipped him over the edge; he spun me around and pushed his lips onto mine.

  As his tongue pushed against mine, I pulled away. It was too much. “Come on. We have plans, don’t we?”

  “Well, all was going according to my plan.” He pulled me closer to him but I braced my arms against his, holding him away. I was happy to flirt but I didn’t want things to get too … physical.

  “I need to get dressed.”

  “You don’t have to. We could stay in.”

  I didn’t say anything. When I looked away from him, he released me from his hold and I headed back to the bedroom.

  Dinner was a little tense and it seemed to be made worse by the fact that the music was so loud we could barely exchange a sentence. Will liked flashy, or seemed to. I guess that’s what a lot of girls expected when they dated—a flashy restaurant, plenty of money spent, and if it was good enough, they were prepared
to give up the goods. It seemed to be the game, but I wasn’t convinced it was the way to find love.

  After a bit of wrestling over the bill, Will paid and we headed outside to get a cab. Just as we hit fresh air, Will stopped in his tracks. I glanced behind me and he was staring at his feet.

  “Will? Are you ok?”

  “Ava, I feel like I fucked up and I want you to give me a second chance.” He brought his eyes to mine.

  “It’s fine, Will.” I smiled. It was fine, wasn’t it?

  “Ava.” He looked serious.

  “Seriously, Will, it’s fine.”

  “Can we go for a drink? Somewhere where I don’t have to shout to have a conversation?”

  “Seriously, it’s fine, but it’s late and I have a really busy week and I need to go home.” I stroked his arm to try and reassure him. It was all true, I did have a busy week, but I always had a busy week. He moved toward me and I let him cup my head in his hands.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine.” That word again. “Let’s see each other after work this week. Wednesday?” I was trying to make him feel better. He hadn’t really done anything. He nodded, released my head, and I kissed him briefly on the lips and stuck my arm out at a passing cab.

  “Thanks for dinner, Will. See you Wednesday.”

  Everything seemed to bring back a memory of Joel. Tonight was no exception. I had never felt pressure from Joel in the way that I had from Will tonight. But now Joel was indifferent.

  ***

  Tuesday night brought dinner with Hanna. She liked to cook, so we almost always ate at her place, particularly if it was just me. It also meant that Matt could disappear and watch football and we were left by ourselves to chat.

  I was sad to be relieved that Jules wasn’t coming. It was too exhausting to be around her at the moment. I left work and picked up a bottle of wine on the way.

  The door was on the latch as I arrived, so I walked straight in and yelled, “Hello, I’m here to burgle your house.” No answer, but I could hear music and the sounds of pots and pans in the kitchen. I kicked my shoes off, hung my coat, and wandered into the back of their house toward the living space.

  “Hey,” I said.

  Hanna’s head shot up from the chopping board where she was dicing or slicing something. “Hey, you. I didn’t hear you come in.” I went over and gave her a big hug. I was so pleased to be here.

  Matt shouted from somewhere upstairs. “It’s definitely not in the guest room wardrobe.”

  “Fucking hell, Ava. I feel like his mother sometimes.” I grinned at her and started hunting about for a corkscrew. I knew she loved taking care of him. “Well, I haven’t touched it.” She tilted her head to the ceiling as she shouted back.

  “Should I ask what he’s looking for? Has he lost his penis?” I poured three glasses of wine, not quite sure why there weren’t half-drunk glasses already strewn about the kitchen as there usually were.

  “I can only hope.” We giggled. “It’s his squash racket. He can’t find it because he only uses it once every three years.”

  “Got it!” Matt shouted and thundered down the stairs. He came into the kitchen in very short shorts and a fleece top.

  “Why are you wearing Jimmy Connor’s shorts?” I asked as he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

  “Ha ha. Don’t you start. I’ve already had abuse from Hanna. This is what you wear to play squash!”

  “It’s not what I wear, ever, and I don’t think anyone has worn anything close to that since 1983.” Hanna and I were giggling as the doorbell rang.

  “Ava, can you get that?” Matt asked me as he crouched with his head in one of the kitchen cupboards.

  “What are you after now?” Hanna snapped.

  “Sure, are you expecting someone?” I slid off my stool and started to head toward the door.

  “It’ll be Joel.” I stopped stock still. Joel? I couldn’t answer the door! Why was Joel here? Was he coming to dinner? Fuckety fuck. I couldn’t refuse to answer the door, especially since I was already on my way.

  I took a big gulp of wine and headed down the hallway.

  “Hi!” I said as breezily as I could manage as I pulled the door open and stood aside to allow him in. His eyes grew wider and I looked away ignoring the buzz across my skin.

  “Er, hi. I …”

  “Matt’s still getting ready. Come in.” I think I sounded normal, but I wasn’t convinced.

  I led him down the hallway and Matt’s shouting canceled out the silence between us.

  “Hey, mate. Give me a minute. I’ve lost my shoes.”

  Joel went over to kiss Hanna on the cheek.

  “Do you want a snack before you go? A glass of wine?” Hanna was always ready with food and drink, no matter what time of day or night.

  “I think wine before squash could be dangerous.” Joel smiled at her with affection in his eyes.

  “I think it sounds a lot more fun than sober squash.” Hanna had a point. “So how’s your week been so far? What have you been up to? Do you feel like a Londoner?” All questions I’d imagined asking him a hundred times since Saturday night.

  “All good, settling in and meeting contacts …” Joel’s vague answer was interrupted by a very excited Matt wanting to show Joel something on his laptop.

  “I hope it’s not porn,” Hanna muttered.

  “Yes, I’m showing Joel porn in front of my wife and Ava, that’s exactly what I’m doing.” I giggled and Hanna ignored him. They both hunched over the laptop, laughing at whatever they were looking at.

  Joel was more Joel in casual clothes. More my Joel. The Joel who I’d have crept up behind and pushed my hands up under his sweatshirt, feeling his broad back, smelling the familiar Joel smell.

  “Can you take over chopping while I do the salmon?” Hanna interrupted my fantasy and I moved my stool over so I could sit and chop. “You can be my sous chef.”

  I looked up and Joel and I locked eyes. The reference wasn’t lost on him. I felt a heat across my cheeks. He looked away quickly and I went back to chopping.

  “How did it go?” Hanna said.

  “What?”

  “Date three with Will, silly?”

  “Oh, right. It was ok.” This is not a subject I wanted to discuss at the moment.

  “I need more detail than that! I need to live vicariously through my single, beautiful friends.” Hanna was always mock-complaining about the fact she’d not been single in a decade and that she had a boring life, but we all knew it was just a front. I wasn’t sure if she was just trying to make us feel better or it was just because that’s what she thought we thought she should want. “Was he huge?”

  “And you’re moaning about me showing Joel porn when you are over there objectifying Ava’s poor boyfriend,” Matt interrupted. At that moment Adam crashed into the room. Was he upstairs all this time or had he just arrived?

  “What boyfriend?” Adam asked.

  This was a total disaster. I wish I’d stayed at home. I blushed again and looked deep into my wine glass staying quiet. Part of me was desperate to know whether Joel was interested in my new boyfriend but I couldn’t look at him.

  “We’re not objectifying anyone. I’m asking factual questions about Ava’s boyfriend’s penis.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend. And we are not discussing penises or penii or whatever.”

  “Who’s not your boyfriend?” Adam barked. “You’re not actually dating someone, are you?” I looked over and saw Joel concentrating on the laptop, totally ignoring the whole situation.

  “Is that a green-eyed monster I see?” Matt teased.

  “Shut up, Matt. You can’t start with the banter when you’re wearing those shorts,” Adam shot back.

  “Fucking hell, can we go back to talking about porn?” I pushed off my stool and went to refill my glass.

  “Can you boys piss off and go and play squash and leave us alone to talk about penises and porn?” Hanna was reading my mind.

  �
�Yeah, come on guys, we’re booked for 8 p.m. Let’s get a move on.” Joel said.

  Easily distracted with the talk of sports, the boys were quickly headed out the front door.

  “So, we were talking about Will’s penis …” Hanna turned to me expectantly.

  “No, Hanna, we weren’t. You know as much about his penis as I do.” I sounded resigned.

  “Oh, right. So you’re not that keen?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know.” I sighed. I genuinely didn’t know. I desperately wanted to feel more than I felt for Will. I wanted to feel for Will what I’d felt … for Joel. “I know I’m not desperate to tell him about my day. I know I don’t have to hold myself back from touching him. I know my skin doesn’t buzz when I’m within a hundred yards of him.” I’d almost forgotten Hanna was still there; I was talking to myself.

  “That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t work. Love isn’t like fairytales, Ava. Real life isn’t like that.” I smiled at her. It didn’t work. Real life with Joel had been like that. “Well, at least you’re getting out there. You’ll find someone, even if it’s not Will,” she said. I kept my smile in place.

  But I had found someone. I’d also managed to lose him.

  Past

  Dinner was futile. Joel was a good cook, but I’d lost any appetite with my first orgasm. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but Joel. I couldn’t stop grinning at Joel and Joel couldn’t stop looking at me like he wanted to devour me, which was the biggest turn on. Eventually we abandoned our plates and went about what was now becoming a routine of clearing up the kitchen. We didn’t say much while we cleaned, just looked at each other and grinned. I used every opportunity I had to accidently brush his arm or place my hands on his hips so I could ‘squeeze’ past him. I was practically panting by the time we had finished, waiting for the next installment of my physical education. To my surprise and disappointment, when we finished up Joel offered to walk me back to campus instead of taking me to bed.

  He didn’t try to take my hand on the walk back. Part of me was relieved, but part of me wished he had. When we got back to the dorms, he pecked me on the cheek and left. Just like that. He didn’t invite me to stay with him, didn’t suggest he stayed with me. He just left me.