by Louise Bay
“Do I?” He looked up at me. He looked … hopeful.
I nodded. “You know you do.”
He went back to staring at the floor.
“Ask me,” I said. This was the boy I shared everything with. He could ask me anything. I would tell him everything he wanted to know. It would always be like that for me.
“The necklace,” he said after a few seconds. “Why did you wear it that night? The night you introduced Will to your friends as your boyfriend. Were you trying to hurt me?”
I ached that he thought I would ever try to hurt him. The thought that I might have was awful, but it was something else, too.
“No. I would never try to hurt you.”
He looked at me and raised his eyebrows.
“I know I’ve hurt you before, but not because I wanted to. I would never try to hurt you,” I repeated.
“Then why?”
“The whole truth?”
“And nothing but the truth,” he finished for me. I was sure I saw the beginning of a smile at the corners of his mouth.
“I think there were lots of reasons. It’s complicated.”
“I want to know, Ava,” he said to the floor.
I sucked in my breath. This was it. I really had nothing to lose. “I think it was because I was trying to move on with Will, but I didn’t want to. Not really. I needed a piece of you on me. Touching me.”
He didn’t speak and his head was still bowed.
“It’s always—the necklace—it’s always with me, but I’ve not worn it since you left. Not until that night. I think I felt I was betraying you by introducing someone to my friends so easily, and I wanted to show myself, and you, that I hadn’t really. That it wasn’t the same. That I wasn’t the same. That standing up to my friends wasn’t difficult for me anymore.”
Still, he had no words for me. It was perhaps too much truth for him, for me. It showed how messed up I was. How he was still in so much of what I did and didn’t do. But it didn’t stop me from telling him the whole truth.
“And … I think on some level I wanted to remind you that you told me that you’d love me for infinity. And that you changed, and it wasn’t just me that fucked up eight years ago. You let me go, too. You moved and you gave up on me. You gave up on us.” Thoughts I’d never really acknowledged came tumbling out. I was so fixated on the fact that I had hurt him, I didn’t realize that he’d hurt me, too. I had wanted him to stay and fight for me. But although they were angry words, I didn’t sound angry. I didn’t feel angry. I wasn’t angry with him. We were kids trying to do the best we could.
He nodded. “It wasn’t fair on Will.”
“You’re right. I wasn’t fair on Will. But it was dating him that wasn’t fair. The necklace … well, he never knew.” It may have been unfair, but at least he hadn’t known.
“And Jamie? She said you came around the other night,” he said.
I didn’t respond and he looked up at me.
“I did,” I conceded.
“Why?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Why are you here?”
“You know there’s nothing going on. She’s just staying because she’s my partner’s sister.” His words tumbled out, answering the questions that had been swirling in my head all evening.
Relief curled in my stomach. Partly because there was nothing going on with Jamie and partly because he wanted to make sure I knew that. To reassure me. That meant … what? Something.
“There are always going to be plenty of women who want a piece of Joel Wentworth,” I said almost to myself.
“Maybe, but plenty of women are not the women I want.” Before I had time to make sense of what he said, he stunned me with his next question. “And what about Adam?”
“What about Adam?”
“What is he to you?”
“Are you serious?”
Silence.
“Adam’s my friend. A very irritating but lovable friend.”
“Lovable?” I almost laughed at the pout in his voice. Almost.
“You know that he’s just my friend, Joel.”
“Can I get that in writing?”
I grinned. “Absolutely.”
“You don’t have feelings for him?”
“I have friendly feelings for him, but not romantic feelings.”
He pursed his lips. “Do you think he does for you?”
“What, have romantic feelings?” I didn’t get a response. “No, I don’t think he does. We don’t have that kind of thing between us. We never did. You know that.”
“I’m not so sure about that.” He slumped back onto the sofa. Still not looking at me. “And tonight … the things you were saying to that guy.” He had been listening. Had I been hoping that he was listening? Maybe.
I could see it all racing through his head. He scrubbed his hands over his face.
“Can I get a question now?” I asked.
“Sure, why not,” he said, resigned as he slumped back on the sofa.
I didn’t have a question ready. I have five million running through my head, but which one should I ask first? There was a long silence.
“There’s too many, right?” Joel said and he turned to look at me. He was in my head.
“Do you want a shot?” It was the first thing that popped into my head.
Without waiting for an answer, I quickly collected two glasses and vodka from the kitchen and set them down on the coffee table. Sitting on the sofa, leaning forward, I busied myself pouring two small glasses and pushed the one nearest Joel further over to him.
He scooted to the edge of the sofa, mirroring me, and picked up the glass and we looked at each other as we raised our shots. It was like we’d spent the last eight years together. Like he was looking at me not as some girl from University who had been his first love … but like he loved me now. I tipped back my shot. It felt good burning down my throat. I closed my eyes and kept them shut, not wanting to open them and not find that look in his eyes still.
“Have you thought of one?” he asked.
“Why are you here?”
He shrugged. “To ask you questions. To try and make sense of all this.” His hands were making shapes from the air between us. “Because I miss you.”
Silence.
Hope.
“And have you made sense of it?” I asked.
He blew out a breath, “Not yet. You?” he asked.
“I think … I know what’s … Will helped me make sense of me.”
“Oh.”
“In the sense that I know me better. What’s best for me, I mean.”
“And that is?”
“Just what I said before, that dating doesn’t really work for me. It’s not fair on the guy.”
We were teetering on the brink of something. Of me telling him something and everything.
“Because?” Apparently Joel was behind me, trying to shove me over the edge.
I decided to jump. “Because I’ll always be in love with you.”
I didn’t think about the landing. Hadn’t thought through what his response would be. I just jumped. Into silence.
Past
Twenty minutes after his last text, I was ringing Joel’s doorbell. I needed him to make it better. As soon as he opened the door, he grabbed me and held me tight to him. We stood there, half-in and half-out of his house, and I felt the tension drain from me like he was sucking it from me.
“I just can’t handle it,” I choked out and then my tears fell, hard.
“You know I love you, and that I’m not looking at any other girls, don’t you?” he asked, giving away uncertainty in his voice. I did know that. I was with him most of the time when he wasn’t in lectures. And I knew how he felt. I felt it, too. I didn’t need to doubt him.
“I want to concentrate on you and my exams. The rest doesn’t matter,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m frustrating.”
He pulled me inside. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. I just love you an
d don’t want to hide it.”
“I get it. But can we leave it until after the exams? All this telling people shit. And all this judgment from other people. I just can’t handle it.”
“I know, baby. I’m sorry. Let’s just leave things how they are.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. I just want to make sure you’re happy.”
“But I want you to be happy,” I said, misery in my voice.
“I’m happy if you’re happy.”
“I’m happy when we’re together,” I said. I wanted Joel and Ava in a bubble. That’s what made me happy.
“Then we’re both happy.”
“Ok,” I said, my tears slowing.
“Ok.”
“Ok, you loser,” I said as he lifted me up and kissed me hard.
“Sounds like you need some stress relief,” he mumbled into my neck.
I gripped him tighter. “Always.” I pulled my legs around his waist and he walked me into his bedroom.
“Well, you know I have a solution for that, Ava. I’m going to strip every piece of clothing from your perfect body, and then I’m going to lick and suck and tease every inch of you until you come screaming my name.” His eyes were dark and serious. My lips parted and I felt myself flush with desire. He brought us down to the bed and pulled my T-shirt off in one fluid movement. He ran his eyes across my body and then greedily leaned forward and took a lace-covered nipple between his teeth, swirling his tongue around the tip. My back arched; my hands ran across the top of his back. I loved his mouth on me.
His hand explored lower and found the waistband to my jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping, exploring and delving into the front of my underwear, finding my clit. My body went ridged at the contact and then relaxed as he found his rhythm. The rough pleasure to my breasts contrasted to the sweet pleasure from my clit and I moaned, “Joel. Oh. Yes.”
He knew me. He knew this got me out of my head, got me distracted, made my world just about him and me and our bodies and what we meant to each other. I could feel the slick between my legs and I wanted to feel his tongue. He knew. He fell onto his knees and pulled down my jeans and underwear and flung them across the room.
“Take it off for me,” he said. I had only my bra left on and reached behind my back and unclasped the lace, pulling it down my arms. I loved the look in his eyes that he gave me right then, like he couldn’t believe what he saw. It made me feel desired and sexy. I trailed my fingers across my breasts, my nipples tight. “Oh god, yes,” he grunted and pushed himself on top of me, claiming my mouth, delving inside with his tongue and then pulling away, leaving me wanting more. Fully clothed, he clamored off the bed and pulled me to the edge, my legs dangling from the end. He bent my knees back, leaving me exposed. I felt his breath first. Just a slight breeze, igniting a fire inside me. Then it got stronger as he blew against my sex.
“So hot for me, baby. Your sweet pussy is so hot and ready for me, isn’t it?” I twisted my hips in response and he asked again: “Isn’t it? Tell me, Ava.”
“Yes, Joel. Always.”
“And you’re so wet for me, before you’ve even felt my tongue.” And he licked from my clit down, and then plunged into me as if to find out for himself. My hips bucked off the bed, willing him deeper. All the heat in my body shot between my legs and everything I felt was magnified. I reached down to feel his hair between my fingers. His tongue found my clit again, circled and pushed, and then back down as deep as he could go. I glanced down between my legs and I saw him, his eyes closed as he moaned against my skin and the vibration of his noises, the sight of him between my thighs, taking pleasure from me, creating pleasure for himself, was too much.
“Joel,” I cried out. And he plunged two fingers in me as his tongue continued its work. “Oh, god.”
“That’s it, Ava.” His thumb replaced his tongue for a moment, his fingers never losing their rhythm. “I can feel you. I know your body so well, baby. You’re so close, so quickly. That’s what I do to you.” And his mouth took back my clit and I was lost. Nerve endings exploded across my body until something exploded in my heart.
He trailed up my body and as he looked at me, I could tell he wasn’t even nearly done with me.
“Come here,” he said as he pulled me to sit up. “Turn around. On all fours. I’ve got to get deep in you.”
And just seconds after my last orgasm, I wanted him again. Just as he described. I moved into position. He was behind me, rearranging my hips, making sure I was ready for him. He reached for my neck and gave my back long, sweeping strokes with his hands, each stroke raising my temperature.
“You look so beautiful like this, Ava. Your skin is so perfect.” He reached my ass and stroked around and around, almost deliberately avoiding taking things to the next level. My skin was on fire, desperate for him to please me with his fingers, his tongue, his cock. He blew over my sex, as if he could feel my heat, but it did anything but cool me. The waiting was driving me crazy. I wanted him inside me. I pushed back, urging him to give me more.
“So impatient, Ava. You can’t get enough, can you?”
“Joel,” I whimpered. “Please.”
“Tell me what you want.”
“I want you deep inside me.”
And that’s what it took. He placed his hands on my hips and I could feel him at my entrance, throbbing, waiting, and then he pushed in, just the tip, as if he were teasing me, testing my control.
“Please, Joel. I want more of you. I want all of you.”
“Oh god, Ava.” And he pushed into me, as deep as I’d ever felt him, and he lay his front over my back. It winded me, silenced me. He placed his hands over mine, lacing his fingers through my fingers, then pulled back and slammed into me again. He was right, it was so deep like this. I felt possessed by him. I hung my head unable to find any energy and groaned. All my concentration was on him and what he was doing to me. He changed position so his hands were braced on my shoulders. His pace picked up and the wetness from my previous orgasm mixed with the new. I felt it down my thighs.
Right there, in that moment, there was nothing that he could ask me to do that I would say no to. “Do you feel me? Moving like this inside you? Can you feel how hard I am for you? I’ve never been as hard as I am just at this moment.” He thrust in again, trying to make me feel what he was saying.
I nodded and let out a breathy “Yes.”
“And I feel you. I feel you all wet around my cock.”
And his words were too much. I collapsed on my elbows. My movement changed his angle inside me and then I felt it, my orgasm, as it started to build.
“Oh god, Ava, I’m so close,” he moaned from behind me. His thrusts became more urgent, and I knew I would come with him. His hand left my shoulder and reached across to my clit.
And in a blinding white light, I was lost to him and he was lost to me.
Chapter Fourteen
Present
The silence was still there and I had no more words. What was he thinking?
Joel sat forward and put his head in his hands. Then slumped back, then forward again. I watched him in his discomfort. Had he not expected me to say what I said? Did he not realize that I was still in love with him?
Finally, he broke the silence: “I’m scared.”
I wasn’t sure what it was that I expected him to say, but it wasn’t that. But I understood it. I felt it, too. I was scared I would never see him again. Scared of seeing him with someone else. Scared that I still loved him. Scared that he might not still love me. Scared that he did.
“Me, too.”
More silence. He still had his head in his hands.
“Can I kiss you?”
I hadn’t expected that either. “You don’t normally ask.” I said, not answering his question.
He lifted his head and turned to look at me. His face full of questions, thoughts, emotions. Still as handsome as he was at twenty-one.
“I was always sure. Before. I never had t
o ask because I was always sure.”
“You never have to ask,” I half-whispered.
There was about a mile between us and then nothing. He rose up to his feet and cupped my face in his hand and I closed my eyes. If we could just stay like this forever.
As I opened my eyes and looked up at him he reached to pull me up. I felt that familiar warmth pass from him to me. And there we were, his body an inch from mine.
He drew breath and pushed his hands from my shoulders down my arms, reaching my fingers, feeling them with his fingers before linking mine with his.
“So,” he said as we stood body to body, hand in hand.
A smile tried to escape me and I bit my cheek. I didn’t want to admit how it felt to be touching him again. “So.”
“So, I’m going to kiss you now.”
I nodded. “I’m going to let you. And I might kiss you back.”
“You will?” he asked, his grin coming into focus.
“I might,” I teased.
“Ok.”
“Ok.”
He took my face in his hands and that familiar buzz covered me, running across my skin. I closed my eyes, waiting, wanting.
I felt the slight touch of his lips against mine, just brushing my skin with their heat. I bit my bottom lip to ease the burn. He kissed the corner of my mouth, then the other. Then trailed a finger across my bottom lip, releasing it from my teeth. His head dipped again and his tongue followed the path his finger just made. It was delicious and maddening and wonderful. My mouth parted and his tongue pushed gently inside.
I couldn’t just stand there being kissed anymore, couldn’t not touch him. I brought my hands to his waist and then reached up his back. His tongue became more insistent, pushing against mine, his hands pulling me into him as if he wanted to somehow get us closer when there was no space between us.
He pulled his head back from me, and when I opened my eyes to see why I was being denied his mouth, he was looking at me. I smiled at him unsurely. Was he changing his mind? What was going on in his head?
“You taste the same,” he said.
My stomach turned. He sounded so … sexy, so Joel, as he said it.
“You, too. You taste good.” I reached up behind his neck and pulled him back to me. Less reticent. Remembering what came before. It felt familiar and new and right.