by Harper Bliss
What would he have called me if I had stayed? There was one time when I had picked him up from school. We walked home together, Troy gesturing with his hands and telling me about his day in excited tones. I gave him my keys to open the front door because he’d forgotten his own set and it just came out. “Thanks, Mom,” he said. I tried to ignore it as best I could, and Troy just went about the rest of his day, but later, after dark, when Troy was in bed, I told Jodie.
“Troy called me Mom today.”
Jodie sat with her head thrown back against the armrest of the sofa. She’d had an emotionally exhausting day. Her head shot up. “I guess that was to be expected at some point.”
“It doesn’t bother you?”
“Of course not. Why would it?”
“Because I’m not his mother.” It came out all wrong. It was not what I meant. Not really. Although it was the truth.
“So it bothers you?” Jodie pushed herself up.
“No, I just think it’s confusing when he calls us both Mom.”
“Fine. I’ll talk to him.”
That was the end of the conversation. Troy never called me Mom again. I never knew what Jodie said to him, but I always regretted not having the balls to talk to him myself. To inquire why he had called me that. If in his child’s brain it had just been a logical consequence of me living with him, or more of a conscious decision. Or even a way to coax a reaction out of me.
“Is Jodie coming to your graduation?” When, at the end of his second year, Troy told me Jodie was traveling to San Francisco with Suzy and Rosie, my heart had skipped several beats. They would stay in the city for a few days. Did I wish for him to arrange something? I told him I needed to think about it. It would have been different if Jodie had come alone, or with only Rosie as a companion. The mention of Suzy, whose name only occasionally popped up in our conversations, made me decide against it. Unsure if I could bear sitting through polite conversation with Jodie and her new girlfriend, I didn’t take Troy up on his offer.
“Not sure.” Troy shrugs. “You know what Mom is like.” Do I? Still? I know he’s referring to money, though. It makes me think of the house I’ve just bought, all large and shiny and empty, with no one waiting for me in any of its many rooms. Jodie still lives in the barely-two-bedroom apartment we once shared, because it’s rent-controlled and she probably can’t afford to live anywhere else, has this boy as her son and Rosie as her daughter, and how is that for acquiring wealth?
* * *
Troy has finished his exams when he tells me Jodie and Suzy have broken up.
“Oh,” is all I say at first. This time, I have invited him to my home and have even attempted to cook us a meal.
“You know what I think sometimes, Leigh?” Troy asks. He has changed so much since that first time we saw each other again almost three years ago. Gerald’s easy self-assuredness shines through his actions much more. “I think she may still love you.”
As a rule, I don’t drink when I’m with Troy, but I open a bottle of red wine there and then. “Why would you think that?” I don’t look at him while I drive a corkscrew into the cork of the bottle.
“It never works out with anyone else.”
“That doesn’t mean anything.” I glance at him. At this boy who I have invited to my house and who is about to eat my interpretation of chicken parmigiana. “Do you mind if I have a glass of red tonight? Rough day and all that.”
“Sure.” He doesn’t ask if he can have some, but sips from the Sprite I’ve poured him instead. He’s twenty-two. We could share a drink, but I guess it doesn’t feel right for either of us. “Why are you single, anyway?” he asks. We usually don’t venture into this conversational territory. Troy has told me about a few girls he’s dating, but his affairs never seem to last longer than a few weeks, and he never pours his heart out to me. He isn’t the type.
I chuckle nervously. “I work too hard.”
He shakes his head. “Mom works hard and she finds the time. Even Dad is with Elisa now, and he must work eighty hours a week.”
“Yes, well, I work even harder.”
“Don’t you want to be with someone?”
“I do.” God yes, I do. “But it’s not that easy.”
“Why? Because you’re a lesbian?”
That question takes me aback more than any other. I take a few gulps of wine. “Is this a cross-examination, Counselor Dunn?”
“No, of course not.” He fidgets with his fingers. He can never sit still for more than a second. “We’re friends, right? I’m just curious.”
“It’s not because I’m a lesbian.” I start preaching. “I just haven’t really met anyone I’ve wanted to get serious about for a long time.”
He seems to accept that as a valid answer. “Will you come to my graduation ceremony?”
My eyes widen. “If you want me to.” Perhaps no one else will see it like that, but I do feel I should be there. Even though I don’t really know how to define our relationship, we are, indeed, friends.
“I do. I really do.” The intense sparkle in his eyes almost makes me well up.
“Promise me one thing, though.” I consider another glass of wine. “If Jodie decides to come, which I suspect she will, you have to tell her about me before the ceremony. She needs to know, Troy.” There’s no way Jodie will miss her son’s graduation.
“Fine. I promise.” He glares at me from under his lashes, the same way Jodie used to. “Don’t you want to know what happened with Suzy?”
“I’m not sure it’s my place to ask.” The question’s been on the tip of my tongue since he told me.
“Mom dumped her. The same way she did with Amy. So, you know, now she’s single once again.”
What does he expect me to do with this information? “I’m sorry for her.”
“Yeah, me too, I guess.”
“How about some food?” Jodie is single again and there’s a good chance I’ll run into her in a few weeks’ time. The prospect fills me with dread and hope at the same time.
“I’m starving,” Troy says in the way only men his age can.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The day before I fly first class with Gerald to San Francisco for my son’s graduation ceremony, Suzy calls. Again.
“I don’t have time for this,” I say, rather harshly. “Rosie’s ill.” I regret my tone of voice instantly. None of this is Suzy’s fault.
“Do you want me to stay with her while you go to Berkeley?” Suzy asks. We were together for almost four years and breaking the pattern of our familiarity has been difficult. Being a single mom again has been even more difficult.
“No, I’ll ask Muriel.”
“I’ll happily do it,” Suzy insists.
“It’s better if you don’t.”
“Can I at least come and see her while you’re gone?”
“I don’t know.” Admittedly, I don’t know what is best for everyone involved in this situation. I do know Rosie would love to see Suzy. They’ve lived together for more than two years. From Suzy’s incessant phone calls since we broke up, it’s impossible for me not to know how much she misses Rosie—and me. I’d never pegged her for the über-clingy type. Another thought I instantly regret. It’s just that by the time I had worked up the nerve to end our relationship, I was rather fed up with Suzy.
“I’ll call you later, okay?” I need a break from this conversation. I need to think. And I need to pack and console Rosie, who has been looking forward to this trip for a very long time, but is now too sick to go.
“Please do,” Suzy says, as if she expects me not to. She hangs up and I sigh with relief.
Staying with Suzy would definitely have been the easier option. Things were never bad between us. No blazing rows kept us awake at night. Ours was a silent, treacherous down-fall. One that kept me awake at night nonetheless.
I go into Rosie’s room to find her fast asleep. I put the back of my hand on her forehead. She still feels too warm. I’ve considered canceling my trip,
but I have two children, and I haven’t seen Troy in such a long time. Although he will be back in New York soon enough, I still think that, as his mother, I should be there for the ceremony. Perhaps I should allow Suzy to stay with Rosie. It would comfort her. But I have to think about the long-term consequences. If I let Suzy come over too much, Rosie will never get used to her moving out.
Hurting Rosie was, ultimately, what hurt me the most during this break-up. She had that same look on her face as Troy did when Leigh left. When will my mistakes stop repeating themselves, I wonder? I probably shouldn’t date again until Rosie’s old enough to understand that, sometimes, between grown-ups, things just don’t work out.
I pass by the hallway mirror and ask myself, “What does that mean, though? Do you even understand?”
I glance back at my tired reflection. Good old Muriel will stay with Rosie. She and Francine love her to pieces. I won’t even have to ask. All I will have to say is that Rosie won’t be able to go with me to Berkeley, and she will offer to take care of her.
“That doesn’t answer my question,” I say to myself, like a woman who’s about to lose her mind.
I had to break up with Suzy. It seemed that every day another personality trait of hers, one I had easily put up with for years, started grating on my nerves. Until it added up to me actively trying to avoid her.
The day before I asked her to leave I sat crying on Muriel’s sofa. “It’s really hard to explain, but it’s like I’ve fallen completely out of love with her for no reason.”
“There doesn’t need to be a reason, Jodie. Sometimes two people only have a limited time together. Not everything is forever. That’s just a fairy tale. And a conspiracy by the wedding industry.”
“What about you and Francine?” I asked in between sniffles.
“We’ve just found a successful way of putting up with each other’s shit. That’s all. There’s no magic.”
“Then why can’t I do that?”
“Because, sweetie, everyone is different.”
“I don’t understand,” Suzy said. “What’s wrong? We have a great life together. We’re a family.”
“I can’t be with you anymore,” I insisted. “It’s not your fault.” Try telling someone you’ve shared your life with for several years that you don’t love them anymore without breaking their heart. “It’s all me. You’re not to blame.”
“There must be something I can do.” Suzy was a fighter. “Do you need some space? Some distance? I can go stay with Dave for a while, but don’t do this, Jodie. Don’t pull the plug on us like this.” She was being very practical about it. I presumed the actual shock would come later.
“I’ve thought about this for a very long time.” Months on end, I had mulled the inevitable decision over in my mind, on my way to work, on walks to court, en route to Rosie’s school. Could I not be a bit more lenient? Perhaps with time some of the old sparks would return? “And I’m sorry to say it’s over.” By the time I told her I was able to be quite matter-of-fact about it. I’d done my crying already. I’d already grieved for what we once had.
I had tried to explain it as calmly as possible. I’d arranged for Rosie to have a sleepover at her friend Gracie’s house, and had knocked off work early so I was home before Suzy arrived. I wondered if saying the actual words might make me change my mind, but looking at Suzy’s devastated face as I broke the news only reinforced the feeling that I should have done this months ago. But I was always waiting for a change, for a tidal wave of magic to make things better. To make me a better person. Someone who loved their partner for eternity.
“That’s all you have to say?” Suzy asked. “After four years? After I’ve taken care of your child like she was my own.” I thought it a low blow to involve Rosie in this situation, but I understood.
“I’m sorry.”
“But… what have I done wrong?”
“Absolutely nothing.” There was no relief to be found in this moment. I knew both of our lives would get worse for a while until they got better. “You can stay for as long as you need to. We will tell Rosie together.”
Suzy shook her head in disbelief. “I’m not staying in a house where I’m not wanted.” Then she started to cry. Not hysterically. She had too much self-respect for that. “Is it sex?” she asked, sort of out of the blue. “I’ve tried to comply with your wishes as best I could, and I know that’s why it didn’t work out with you and Amy.”
“No, Suze, no.” Of course, sex had something to do with it, but that most certainly wasn’t Suzy’s fault. And I had learned my lesson after Amy—and altered my expectations accordingly. It’s just, when I try to imagine myself a few years from now, there’s no scenario in which I can picture you by my side. I didn’t say that out loud because I considered it too cruel.
Perhaps she had come into my life at a time when I needed someone most. There was so much comfort to be found in falling in love with Suzy Henderson. I was in love with her, but then it faded, and everyday life mundanity took over until I felt I had nothing left to hold on to.
“Couples go through phases,” she said next. “It can’t always be good.”
“It’s not a phase.” That sentence reminded me of what I’d told Gerald when I finally figured out that it was a woman I wanted to be with.
And now here I stand. My spirits low because of the break-up and how badly Suzy is taking it. Because my little girl can’t see her brother graduate. But also with an undefined flutter in my stomach, because I’m flying to San Francisco. To Leigh’s city.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I can feel Jodie’s eyes on the back of my head, like a rifle’s laser sights. I told Troy over and over again that, if he didn’t tell his mother about us seeing each other, it would be a bad idea for me to attend his graduation, but he was adamant. He wanted me there. He even said that, if it hadn’t been for me, he might not even be graduating, but I saw through that one easily. He was just being dramatic.
He only told me yesterday that he hadn’t been able to work up the nerve to tell Jodie about our friendship.
“I should have told her years ago,” he said, “now it feels like I’ve been doing something bad.”
I’m afraid to move. I stand here as though my neck is stuck in a medical brace and I can only look straight ahead. I know Jodie’s a few rows behind me with Gerald. No sign of Rosie. It’s as if I can feel them talking about me. I can imagine what’s going on inside Jodie’s head right now. She must be furious because what right do I have to be here on this day? If only Troy had told her.
It’s Troy’s turn on the podium, and even though it’s probably inappropriate, a ripple of pride runs through me when he waves from the stage. His wave is not aimed at me, of course, it’s for his parents, but then he does glance in my direction, and I can’t help myself, I turn around and locate Jodie in the crowd instantly, as though my vision is a radar trained to only ever find her. I smile. She doesn’t smile back. Then she shakes her head.
My heart is in my throat. Perhaps I should just leave. Pretend this moment never happened. But I can’t just walk away from Jodie. Not again. Not now that I’ve actually seen her.
I patiently wait for the rest of the students to be called to the stage and have their moment. Every time one passes, my heart starts beating faster.
After the official part of the ceremony has ended, I watch Troy as he heads in Jodie and Gerald’s direction. Should I just walk up to them? After having seen Jodie shake her head at me like that? As if that gesture could erase my being here.
I take a few steps toward them. I’m not just going to stand here as if I don’t belong. Troy and I have a relationship now, and I’m here for him. Although I’ve been on edge since the day he asked me to attend. The prospect of seeing Jodie, which would be inevitable, caused a few more sleepless nights than I had expected.
“Mom, I hope you don’t mind I invited Leigh,” I hear Troy say. His voice is that of a man who knows he’s guilty. “I didn’t really know how
to tell you, but we’ve been seeing quite a bit of each other.” Good one, Troy, I think. Lay it on her here and now. Inwardly, I roll my eyes. But if you can’t do stupid things when you’re young, when can you? He beckons for me to join them. I paint a confident smile on my face.
“Jodie.” I don’t really know what else to say. “It’s been too long.” I don’t know what to do either. Standing face-to-face with her has me reduced to a brainless creature. I extend my hand. Troy has to nudge her in the elbow before she shakes it.
The meeting of our palms is quick and awkward. I decide to direct my attention to her ex-husband.
“Gerald. How have you been?”
“Truth be told, I hadn’t expected to see you here today.” He ignores my question, but focusing my attention on him allows me to regain some of my wits.
“Troy wants to go to law school. Who’s he gonna call, right?”
“I’ve learned so much from Leigh already, Mom,” Troy says. Oh, christ. That boy sure knows how to push Jodie’s buttons. “Can she come to dinner with us?” he asks.
I have to step in. I also don’t particularly feel like having dinner with Gerald. “That’s quite all right, Troy,” I interject. “I’ll take you out some other time.” I shoot Jodie a quick, apologetic glance.
“For old times’ sake, I guess,” Jodie says. A shudder of something—Satisfaction? Nerves? Guilt?—rushes through me. Gerald doesn’t look too pleased about his ex-wife’s impromptu decision.
“Awesome,” Troy says, holding up his hand for a high-five. I don’t care how silly it looks, and I slap my palm against his with a big burst of inexplicable joy coursing through me.
“See you at eight at Rudy’s,” Troy says to me. “I’ll call ahead to let them know there’ll be four of us instead of three.” He pulls me into a hug. Afterward, I can’t help but glance at Jodie again. The years have changed her, of course, but she’s still Jodie. I think of that night after Karen broke up with me, and I tried to call her. What would have happened if she had picked up? And what is seeing me so unexpectedly doing to her? Despite Gerald’s presence, I’m glad I’ll get to spend some time with her.