by Ashley Love
“You’re gonna be okay,” I say it quietly before I can stop myself and he just blinks.
“Why’d you tell her I was going to rehab?” His voice is even quieter than mine and he still isn’t looking at me, and guilt eats me alive. I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but he hasn’t dropped it since he heard me scream it into the phone a few hours ago.
“I just…I don’t know. You might, you know,” I stutter, pulling back from him slightly. I notice that all day he hasn’t yelled at me. He’s been angry and frustrated but we haven’t had a big blowout fight as we normally would have and everything would’ve been smoothed over by now. I’ve been tiptoeing around him this afternoon for that very reason, and when he’s quiet like this, containing his anger, I’m just waiting for him to explode on me.
He just shakes his head, dropping his gaze to his hands resting between his knees, his elbows propped against his thighs. He tries to stop them from shaking.
“Lex, I know it sucks,” I say softly, and he takes another puff on the cigarette. I just want to put my arm around him, I want to squeeze him and shake him at the same time and try anything I can to let him know that he’s going to make it through this, because I know in a few days he’s going to want to give up. “It really fucking sucks, and it’s hard…but you’re gonna be okay. It’s gonna be—”
“Shut up,” he says suddenly and I suck in a breath, my heart leaping into my throat.
“What?”
He takes a shaky breath and runs his tongue across his teeth, licking his lips before pursing them together. “Leala, I hear you, but just…shut up.”
I’m stunned for a moment and I just sit there, staring at his profile until I finally just nod wordlessly and it washes over me, that same feeling that keeps nagging and tugging at me. He’s not going to change until he’s ready. I have to just live with that. I can’t make him want something that he doesn’t think he needs, and as much as I know he needs sobriety because he’ll never make it if he keeps going this way, only when that’s important to him will it start to matter even a little bit.
So I just stand up and turn around, and go inside. Because really, there’s nothing I can do for him. There’s nothing anyone can do for him.
This is his battle to fight.
And sooner or later he’s going to have to either bow out or throw a punch.
Once I shut the door behind me he stares at it for a moment. You’re gonna be okay. He wants to believe it, he wants to hold on…but today he just doesn’t feel like a fighter.
With a sigh he stubs out his cigarette on the concrete next to his sneaker and pulls out his cell phone, hating himself just a little more than he usually does, but he knows in a few short minutes his worries can be mended.
“Hey, man…can you come pick me up?”
21
"Oh fuck, keep driving, man."
"What?" Kyle reaches to turn down the radio, looking at Lex confusedly from the driver's seat of his Volvo S40 sedan, which the guys dog him on, but Lex always appeased him, calling it the "gangsta cruiser." It's late as they turn onto the street headed for Lex's house.
"Don't pull up to my fucking house, idiot. Just make the block," Lex instructs and Kyle does as he's asked, his headlights illuminating the stop sign before he brakes and makes a right turn, and Lex looks around the street wearily before releasing a pent up sigh. "Fuck. There's cops out here everywhere."
"Tony's boys have been sitting in the cul-de-sac every night, too. We've had to make runs over here at like five in the morning just to get in here without anyone fucking peeping on us. Everybody's all twisted and shit 'cause you're MIA. We've almost had to clean the place out so we won't have to come here anymore."
Kyle stops at the next stop sign and looks at Lex for instruction on where to go, but he just snaps his head over to look at Kyle, asking angrily, "Where've you been putting all my shit?"
"Most of it is at Fabian's. Remy has some."
"Son of a fucking bitch." Lex sighs, shaking his head. "You motherfuckers better be keeping up with my paperwork. I know Remy, that stingy bastard has probably been smoking my shit like crazy." He waits a beat. "Fuck this, let's go to Fabian's."
"What about your clothes?" Kyle asks.
"Fuck my clothes, you know what I want." Lex's voice almost trembles with anticipation.
Kyle gives him a pleading look and knowing as much as he does about the situation, he knows this isn't a good idea. "Lex, c'mon, man…"
"Kyle when I want your fucking opinion I'll ask. I can hardly hold my dick when I take a piss my hands are shaking so bad. I just need a little bit to hold me over. Let's go to fucking Fabian's," Lex answers quickly, as if it were perfect logic. His temper teeters closer to the edge by the second. Kyle pulls away from the stop sign reluctantly and turns out toward the highway.
The drive across town is long and quiet, Kyle not daring to touch the radio or make any sudden movements. Fabian lives all the way in fucking Montebello and at this point Lex can't make it that far without having Kyle stop at a Shell station to let him run in for cigarettes. Lex has smoked half the pack by the time they creep down San Marino to Fabian's place. Kyle kills the headlights and engine. Dogs bark and rattle a chain link fence in the backyard.
"Go inside and get it," Lex demands coldly without looking at Kyle.
"Huh?"
"I don't want those dumb motherfuckers asking me a bunch of questions. Just go in and get some shit and let's get outta here. And don't fucking tell them I'm with you."
"You just wanna smoke a little weed or what?"
Lex nods anxiously. He can already taste it in his mouth, feel it in his veins. "Yeah, just roll like one joint, man. I told you I just need to take the edge off."
Kyle nods and turns to get out of the car.
"Hey!" Lex calls him back once he's halfway up the driveway, and he comes back, sticking his head into the open window. "Get some powder too."
"Lex…" Kyle gives him a look of disbelief. Why does he do this to himself?
"Just a little bit, don't argue with me. And when I say a little I mean a little. Like two lines worth, that's it."
Kyle grumbles, "Okay…fucking whatever," and turns back to the house.
"Yeah, just go get it, and hurry up," Lex calls out after him.
He watches until Fabian opens the door, and sinks down in his seat a little but Fabian doesn't even give the car a second look before ushering Kyle inside. Coast is clear. Now he just has to wait.
Screen doors slam up and down the street, firing off randomly like distant gunshots. Spanish curses float into his ears but are for the most part indistinguishable. He sighs, leaning his elbow against the open window and resting his cheek in his palm. He thinks about lighting another cigarette but decides against it. He'll be smoking soon enough.
The click of the car door as Kyle jerks it open snaps him out of his daze. "Here."
Lex eyes the duffle bag suspiciously when it lands in his lap. "What's this?" He opens it and looks around inside. At least it doesn't smell like weed smoke. Fabian has two kids, twin girls, so he never smokes in the house. It's crazy, he'll run a drug operation out of the shed in his backyard but he won't light up under his own fucking roof. Just one more piece in the puzzle to cover Lex's ass tonight.
"I brought you some clothes so you don't look like a total fucking liar. I can't believe you're doing this to Leala— " The lecturing tone of Kyle's voice makes Lexcut him off abruptly.
"And I can't believe you're still fucking talking. I knew you'd be on her side about this." He pushes the bag into the floor angrily, brooding.
"She's trying to help you, man. You don't even fucking care. You're just using her."
"What? Shut up! Shut the fuck up. Don't ever…ever…say some shit like that to me." Lex looks at Kyle with disbelief, his brow furrowing in anger. "Just 'cause you've wanted to bone Leala since you were sixteen, don't make me the fucking bad guy here. I
f she didn't want me at her place she could've said no."
"You know she'd never put you out, Lex You know that! And you use it to your fucking advantage!" Kyle barks angrily, and he opens his mouth to continue, but Lex's fist connecting with his jaw tells him he's had enough. It shuts him the fuck up.
They sit there stunned, silent, breathing, Kyle's face now turned toward the open window, his jaw throbbing. Lex just stares at him, looks down at his hand. It shakes. He just punched his best friend in the face.
He releases a breath he didn't realize he was holding, and turns to rest his elbows on his knees, cradling his head in his hands. Kyle still hasn't spoken.
"Oh fuck, man. What the fuck am I doing?"
22
When I open my eyes I don't know how long I've been asleep. I just remember laying down on the couch, upset when Lex left with Kyle, determined to wait up for him, and when my eyes finally focus he's sitting right here in the room with me.
"Hey," I squeak out, my voice still feeble from sleep.
"Sup?" He sinks down lower in the overstuffed chair, his head falling lazily to the side. I notice a duffle bag by his feet. He had said he was going with Kyle to get clothes from his house, and something about being tired of using my toothbrush. It's kind of a relief, not that I think Lex would ever lie right to my face, but I never know anymore. The bag makes me happy nonetheless.
"How long have you been here?" I sit up a little and turn to look out the front window. It's completely dark outside and when Lex left the sun was still peeking up a little, about to set. "Shit, what time is it?"
He looks at his cell phone. "Like one-thirty."
"Shiiiiit." I groan, pressing my head back into the pillow and closing my eyes. "You could've just woken me up."
"Well…you were asleep." He shrugs. "So…I figured…whatever, you'd wake up when you weren't tired."
I open one eye and cock my head at him. "What?" I'm a little too tired for his weird babble.
He laughs a little. "Nothing. Go to bed." He stands up with a sigh and crosses the room to stand by the couch. "Go. C'mon. Get off my couch," he says impatiently and lightly swats my leg.
"It's my couch," I answer smartly, sitting up with a tired grin. He smiles back.
"Well my tired ass is sleeping on it, so amscray." He pushes my shoulder and messes my hair obnoxiously and I swat his hands away, annoyed.
"Fiiiine, fine." I push against the cushions to stand and we're both there in the small space between the coffee table and couch, him looking down at me.
I pick a nonexistent piece of lint from his hoodie, and my stomach drops when I feel his fingers wrap around my arm just above my elbow and he tugs me forward a little, then stops. I look to make sure his hand is really there, my own hand freezing at his chest, and when my eyes snap up to his he drops his hand quickly like I caught it in the fucking cookie jar or something. My own hand falls away slowly and I look down to watch it, my finger hooking awkwardly in the edge of the front pocket of his sweatshirt and tugging a little before I look back up at him. What the hell are we doing?
"Well…goodnight." I pull my hand back and put it in my pocket nervously. He does the same.
"Night." He rocks back on his heels a little, working his bottom lip between his teeth, and I just sigh and turn to go down the hall. I can try and figure him out on another day.
23
The next morning Lex makes sure he's alone in being awake before he slips outside. He digs in his front pocket for the small baggie, now holding half a joint after his smoke session late last night that knocked him out smooth into the best sleep he's had in days, and an even smaller almost empty bag of coke. He wanted a little, and of course that’s all he fucking got from Kyle.
He opens the coke baggie carefully—it's barely the size of a nickel—and he holds it open with his forefinger and thumb as he shakes all of the white powder into the corner, piling it up.
With his other hand he fishes into his pocket for his keys, not having time to fuck with making lines and being all casual about it. He'd seen kids doing it like this for years at parties, but it was only when they were paranoid as hell about getting caught or just couldn't wait. This morning, he can't wait.
He scoops the tip of a key into the powder and holds it to his nose, inhaling quickly. He sniffles a few more times. The cold weather doesn't help, making his nose run a little almost as soon as he steps outside. He wipes his nose on the back of his hand and goes for another scoop before closing the baggie and putting it away. It's not even enough to make him feel good, just enough to stop the pain.
God, it's so late. That's the only thing I think when I roll over and my alarm clock reads 10:22. I haven't slept til almost noon since…God, I don't even know, but my stomach is the first thing pulling me out of bed, rumbling and begging for food. I hear you, I hear you. Shit.
"Hey, Lex…you hungry?" I call into the living room once my feet manage to carry me into the hall. I turn to go into the bathroom but stop when he doesn't answer. I take a few more curious steps and peek my head around the wall. He's not on the couch.
"Lex?" I crane my neck but I can't see him in the kitchen either. I sigh, kind of annoyed because he's like a five year old who will go out into the yard if you don't lock the door. I reach for the doorknob angrily, jerking the door open and his head whips around to me, wide-eyed.
"Hey. Sorry, I just…didn't know where you were." I feel stupid now. Like really, where the fuck could he possibly go? Then I notice his keys in his hand. "Where you going?" I ask, a little confused.
"Huh?" he replies, then realizes why I'm asking, a little bit of relief washing over his face. "Oh…nowhere. Just…getting my cigarettes." He plucks the pack from his pocket before tossing his keys lightly and slipping them into it's place. "Keys were in the way."
"Oh." I nod, pausing awkwardly before turning toward the door. "You hungry?" I ask over my shoulder as an afterthought.
"Uh…sure. I mean, I could eat I guess." He sniffles a little and wipes his nose, and it's pretty fucking cold for the middle of the day. I wonder if he's getting sick, sitting out here in this weather smoking at all hours of the day.
"Hey, you wanna…you wanna go to Mack's or something?" I cross my arms over my chest to try and keep a little body heat. I don't know why I ask really, he and I haven't been there since I had to quit when the drugs got to be too much, before I took the job at that other shitty restaurant.
"Mack's?" He's as surprised as I expected him to be.
I shrug. "Yeah. I dunno, I just…got this urge to go. It's been forever, you know."
"Yeah. It's been a long ass time." He lights up a cigarette and takes a drag.
"So…do you wanna go?" I ask impatiently. I'm almost shivering now, reaching for the door handle.
He waits a minute, contemplating, and I really don't have fucking time to stand out here and freeze while he decides. Not to mention I'm starving and might just drag him along even if he says no.
But he vetoes that last thought quickly. "Yeah. Yeah let's go."
"Oh my goodness!" Is the first thing I hear once the door shuts behind us. A familiar voice with that same high-pitched inflection, but it's a soft sound, not something that would ever annoy, but only tell of genuine uncontainable excitement. "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!"
"Hi!" I greet Lisa, my old boss, with just as much excitement.
"Oh honey, it's been so long! Look at you!" She holds me at arms length when she finally gets her hands on me, looking me over with proud eyes. She was always like a second mother to me. I can't believe it's been so long. "How are you?" There are tears in her eyes when she pulls me close, hugging me to her chest.
"I'm good." I hug her tight, tighter than I expected, not realizing how much I've been missing out on the simple affection.
"I heard about your treatment. I'm so proud," she whispers into my ear so that no one else hears.
My stomach drops into my toes but I
can't wipe the smile off my face.
"You look great. Just great." She holds me away from her again. Her smile lights up the room. "Hey, Lex," she finally says to him softly, turning and running a hand down his arm.
"Hey." Even he's smiling right along with the two of us.
"So, what's the occasion?" She claps her hands together and looks back and forth between us.
"Just felt like a good day to come back." I shrug, still grinning like an idiot.
"Well, sit. Sit." She hurries us into a booth. The slick vinyl sticks slightly as the rough denim of my jeans slides across it and it's a familiar feeling. It makes me smile. Everything here makes me smile. "What can I get for you? Anything you want, it's on us."
I shake my head. "Oh you don't have to—"
"Hush! It's not everyday we have a five-year reunion in here. Gosh, I can't believe it's been that long."
"I know," I sigh, exasperated, before smiling at her excitedly again. "How have you been? How's business? You look great, by the way."
She blushes. "Oh, stop. The big 4-0 is coming in three months and I'm horrified." Her hand goes to her wild red hair nervously. "Business is business. Kids come and go. Joseph still works here on holidays. He goes to Cal State in Bakersfield, but he comes here every time he's home."
"Aww, little Joey! God, I can't believe he's in college. That makes me feel old."
"Makes you feel old?" Lisa snorts and I laugh.
"Wait, Joey the busboy? I remember that little squirrelly kid." Lex laughs and I remember how terrible I always felt because Lex used to absolutely torture that sweet boy just because he had a not-so-subtle crush on me. Lisa always teased me that it was out of jealousy, and looking back now, it probably was.