Carter was close by, as always. He had become her constant—her rock. This life she couldn’t have imagined a little over a year ago was now the one she didn’t want to live without. Memories of her childhood were both vague and specific. She never talked about how she grew up. Not to Declan or anyone else.
Until Carter.
One night after she’d been released from the hospital, Carter came in to check on her one last time before going to sleep on the sofa right outside the bedroom. He fluffed her pillows and made sure she had a bottle of water by her side. Her pain medicine was on a schedule and he kept it by waking her in the night just to swallow a pill. She laid in his arms enjoying how he made her feel so special… so cared for… so loved, but when she began to fall asleep for the night, he insisted on sleeping on the sofa until she was stronger. He sacrificed his comfort for hers. This routine played out for a few weeks. Then, one night, he kissed her and got out of bed to go to the living room. She wanted him to stay.
“Please don’t go,” she said.
“I’ll be right outside,” he assured her.
“No, please… please stay. I feel better when you’re here,” she confessed.
He laid behind her, spooning like an old married couple.
“What’s wrong, baby? I’ll stay, but you have to talk to me.”
She gave a little shrug.
“I don’t like the dark. You’re going to laugh but I sleep with a night light.”
He didn’t laugh, he soothed her, stroking her shoulder and down to her fingers.
“What made you afraid of the dark?” he asked.
“I never had a bedroom that was really my own when I was growing up. My mom and dad weren’t the best people in the world, much less good parents. When I was really young my dad left. I think I was five when I last saw my mother.”
He didn’t notice he pulled her closer.
“How is it I never knew this? Declan never said anything to me,” he commented.
“Because he doesn’t know. When anyone asks me about my family I just say we’re not close. It’s not a lie and it makes them stop asking questions. You’re the first person I’ve ever told,” she confided.
She pulled the pillow under her head as he got comfortable. She still faced away, enjoying being nestled in his arms.
“So what happened?” he asked.
Her memories lived in a dark void, where they were best left. Still, she wanted to divulge those secrets to the man who made her feel exposed enough to trust him.
“I went to live in different places, foster homes mainly. Some of the families were nice, some not. My most vivid memories are of the first night in every one of those houses. They would show me to my room—except it really wasn’t my room. Each one was different; different curtains, bedspreads… you know, or you can guess. The only thing they had in common was they were dark… and scary.” She was now breathing hard and turned to face him.
“You had your brother,” she said, compelling his attention as the recall made her perturbed. “Imagine if you had no one. The people you lived with knew nothing about you except your name and that your parents were crap. Those people, they didn’t know anything about me. They all took a little girl, put me in a dark room, and expected me not to cry. I was told I was lucky to have a place to go to. I guess I was; no one ever tried to hurt me. I remember being so scared going to the first home. They put me in my new bedroom, turned out the lights, and closed the door all the way. I asked them to keep the light on, but they said no. I cried for hours. I remember being so stuffy from crying, and I remember my head hurting. All I kept saying was I wanted my momma. It didn’t matter to me that she was in trouble, she was my momma, and I didn’t know anything different. I guess after a few hours it got old, hearing me cry. The lady came in and said I couldn’t see my mom, to stop crying, and said I had to go to sleep. At the time I thought she was mean. Once she closed the door and left me in the dark again, I closed up into a little ball. I know now she was only trying to make me adjust, but it never happened… and it didn’t with any of the other homes either. Once I got out of high school and got my own apartment, I kept a light on all night. I have ever since.”
He pressed her hand to his, his heart now breaking for the sensitive little girl she had been.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” he consoled.
She turned away from him again, pressing her back against his chest and he instinctively cocooned her with his strong arms.
“I’ve never told anyone…” she said, her voice trailing off as she realized how transparent she had been.
“Sweetheart, if you want to leave a light on, then we’ll leave the damn light on. This is your home as much as it is mine,” he said vehemently.
She laughed.
“You mean you don’t want to get rid of me? Including the attack, I come with some baggage.”
“So we’ll get rid of your old baggage piece by piece and get new. Aim, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not so perfect,” he said.
“You got that right!” she said, not missing a beat.
“Well, shit… you didn’t have to agree with me!” he teased.
He made her laugh again, then they were both laughing. It took a few minutes until they stopped.
“Seriously,” Carter began. “I want you to stay here after you get better, with me.”
“I don’t know. It isn’t that I don’t want to be here with you, I just like having my own things,” she answered.
“You can have your own things here,” he objected.
A wall of exhaustion hit her without warning and she slumped into the pillow.
“Can I think about it?” she asked.
He felt the weight of her. She relinquished the tension that consumed her along with the memories.
“As long as you want,” he answered.
As she fell asleep, he was unable to contain the emotion that welled up inside him. He pressed a kiss to her neck that was as light as a feather. He knew she was asleep but he placed his lips to her ear and whispered.
“…but I want you here with me.”
There was a certain melancholy that accompanied the end of the weekend. It was the best Christmas she’d had in a long time. It was her first sense of “family” and, as much as she knew they couldn’t stay forever, she didn’t want them to leave. It seemed the time had come too soon to say goodbye.
“Why don’t you come to the beach for New Year’s?” Declan asked. “You can stay with us.”
Carter stood, his arm around Aimee. He looked to her for an answer. As much as she wanted to be with everyone she was wise enough to take her doctor’s advice seriously, and he recommended that even though it was the holiday season, she needed to rest as much as possible. As she returned his gaze he had his answer. He could read her expression.
“Thanks, but I think we’re just gonna spend a quiet evening at home,” he answered.
Declan then wrapped him in a bear hug, slapping him on the back. At the same time Aimee embraced Aria.
“I’m so happy for you,” Aimee said as she lay her hand on Aria’s midsection. Aria looked down at her tummy and smiled tenderly.
“Thank you.” She turned to her friend. “I have no idea what we’re in for,” she confessed. “It will probably be a high risk pregnancy, but if I’ve learned anything it’s to believe in the impossible. Just to let you know, if my timing is right, this baby was conceived while we were staying at your house playing possum for the paparazzi,” she laughed.
“Great. Just great!” Aimee teased, rolling her eyes. “Just what I need to picture when I get in my bed; you and your husband bone smuggling in my bed!” They burst out laughing. Giving Aria a hug, she said, “I’m kidding. It’s kind of neat in a way.”
Declan, playing gentleman, put Aria in the car and closed her door. He turned to hug Aimee.
“Take care of yourself—and him,” he tilted his head towards Carter. “I love you, you know? This is the best thing that could h
ave happened to you both,” he emphasized the point by moving his finger in a circular motion between them.
“I know,” she whispered tenderly, then gave him a peck on the cheek.
Carter held her hand as they watched them pull onto the main road, then headed toward the house.
“It was a great weekend. The best Christmas I think I’ve ever had,” he praised.
“Me too, BUT it isn’t Christmas yet,” she reminded him.
“Yeah, but it’s only a few days away,” he countered. “As a matter of fact, you and I are taking a little road trip to pick up a present.”
“What? When? Where?” she asked. The initial thought of being away from the house was enough to ignite a twinge of anxiety.
“Calm down… it’s just a day trip. We’ll leave in the morning and be back late tomorrow night.”
“What about Cody?” she asked.
“She can come too,” he answered. Although she stiffened when he mentioned the trip, she relaxed just a little when he said Cody would be with them. He read her body language well. He kissed the frown from her forehead.
“You have to trust me, okay? I think it’s something you’re really gonna love,” he assured her.
She nodded compliantly. Upon hearing her name, Cody puttered in to sit by Aimee’s side.
Both of them sank into the sofa, Aimee turning to position herself at the other end. As had become her ritual, she tucked her toes under his thigh to keep them warm and stretched out. Carter rested his head back and stretched his legs out in front of him.
“Was it too much?” he asked, resting his hand on her knee.
“No. I’m good,” she answered, then paused.
“Did you know Katherine has anxiety disorder?” she asked, changing the subject.
He nodded. “Yeah. Declan told me. He asked me if Katherine could talk to you. I didn’t think it could hurt,” he answered.
“She was mugged,” she explained. “She told me to call her if I needed to talk.”
His eyes were still closed. For a minute she thought he fell asleep.
“You awake?” She nudged him hard with her foot.
“Damn, woman!” His head now up and his eyes opened, he grabbed her by the ankle and tickled the bottom of her foot.
“Stop!” she squealed.
“No! You can’t give a man some peace! I’ve been talking all weekend. My brain needs a rest,” he teased.
She turned herself around, now laying her head in his lap. As they both grew more relaxed she watched the yellow and orange flames of the fire as they danced and flickered in the fireplace, casting odd shadows on the floor. Cody had moved herself closer to Carter and was asleep on the floor beside his feet. Aimee listened to the progression of Carter’s breath as it deepened. He started to make the noises of a soft snore, and she smiled.
The simple gift of happiness was priceless.
They’d been on the road for hours, though they had stopped several times.
“Are we almost there?” she asked.
He kept his eyes on the road, grinning. “You’re worse than a kid,” he answered, shaking his head.
“Are we minutes away, or hours away?” she prodded.
“We’re going to Pennsylvania.” He gave her a quick glance. “Happy?”
“I kind of figured it out when we passed the sign that said ‘Welcome to Pennsylvania’,” she sarcastically answered.
His laugh rumbled low in his chest. “Just sit back and enjoy the ride, will you?”
He heard the humpf sound she made as she turned away from him and looked out the window.
Before long, they pulled up a driveway and she noticed a sign.
“Amore? You brought me to a place called ‘Love’?” she asked, puzzled.
Just then a woman came onto the large porch, as she wrapped her coat around herself. Carter greeted her.
“Hi Lisa.”
“Hey Carter. I have everything ready for you,” she said as he led Aimee by the hand up the steps.
“Aimee, this is Lisa Duvall. She’s the owner of Amore.”
Lisa extended her hand to Aimee. “It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
As the woman opened the door to the house, Aimee looked at Carter puzzled. She followed as Lisa led them.
Once inside she was overwhelmed with the sight of fifteen Berner puppies. They were barking and jumping inside of a playpen-like area. A few of them figured out how to wiggle through the gate. One followed after the other as they chased each other’s tails. One little one immediately came to Aimee and sat on her foot. It seemed to have staked its’ claim as all the other puppies were running and playing. She reached down and picked it up. She was rewarded with puppy breath and a few licks to her cheek.
Carter reached out and took her free hand. “This is Amore Berners,” he explained. “I thought you might like to give Cody some company.”
“Oh my gosh! Are you kidding me?” She looked at the little one in her arm. “Really?” she asked.
He nodded.
She looked hopefully at Lisa. “Can I have this one?”
Lisa smiled. “Yes you can. Carter told me about you and the kind of dog you liked. I had a pretty good idea since Cody is one of our fur babies.” She looked at the puppy who was content in Aimee’s arms. “That was the one I picked for you. He’s a lover.”
“He?” she asked.
Cody had been behind them. She had checked out the puppies and was now in front of Aimee. She knelt down so Cody could sniff him. She then looked up at Aimee, wagging her tail.
“I guess he’s been approved,” Lisa laughed.
As Carter gathered the care package Lisa sent with her pups, Aimee continued to hold and pet their new addition. Once everything was loaded in the truck they started in on the ride home. Aimee kept turning to see the sleeping puppy in the crate, while Cody lay on the back seat with a soft blanket that smelled like the puppy. Lisa said it would help with the adjustment. They didn’t talk much on the way home, just listened to the radio and held hands. Once they were home, Carter took care of setting everything up for the puppy, who presently was shadowing Cody. Aimee made them both something fast to eat and they watched as the two dogs got acclimated.
“You said something at Lisa’s about Cody needing company. What did you mean?” She asked.
“She is. You’re going to be busy with me,” Carter said.
“And you’re a full time job?” she laughed.
“I will be if all goes well,” he answered.
“Why are you talking in riddles? Just tell me already.”
He stood and pulled her up by the wrist until they were both standing in front of the Christmas tree. He lowered his head until his lips found hers. He kissed her thoroughly. She felt wanted and possessed, and his strong arms held her close against his chest. When he released her, his gaze held her to him like a magnet.
“I want you to remember everything,” he said, the timbre of his voice low and passionate.
She was puzzled until he began to lower himself on one knee, and her heart quickened. He looked up as he held her hand.
“I know you’re used to a fast world so I wanted to do this the old fashion way,” he said, pulling out a box. Her eyes widened in surprise.
“Aimee, you weren’t my first love, but you will be my last. We’ve been through more shit together than some couples go through in a lifetime. I told you before, it takes a strong woman to love a flawed man and I have a ton of them. You are everything I never knew I wanted or needed in a woman. We can do this however you want, fast or slow, but I want you with me forever. We already know we’re good together, but when I look at my future you are who I see. You make me a better person because you love me for myself. I want to make this legal.”
Tears fell from her chin onto his arm. “I know you love me but I’m more screwed up than you know,” she whispered.
“YOU keep me sane. I’m crap without you.” He stood and took her into his arms.
“I promise you this; I will spend my life protecting you. I won’t ever let anyone hurt you again.”
“What if I’m the one that’s hurting me? I can’t control these attacks,” she said.
“Then I’ll hold you and help you when you’re afraid and we’ll get through it. Together we can get through anything.”
For the longest time she said nothing. Her silence fed his insecurity. Maybe she didn’t feel the same way about him as he did about her. He loosened his arms to let her breathe.
“You don’t have to answer now. If you need more…”
“Yes,” she quietly said.
He searched her face for the truth.
“Yeah?” he asked.
She nodded her head and laughed.
“Yes. Yes. Yes…”
He kissed her so hard she squealed. He pulled back thinking he’d hurt her but she was laughing and smiling.
“I love you,” he said.
“I can’t promise every day is going to be good. I don’t even know myself sometime,” she warned.
“It’s okay, baby.” He kissed where her tears had streaked. “We’re going to be okay…”
“Justice,” she said, interrupting him.
“What?” he asked.
In an instant it had come to her, and when it did everything felt right. She was completely confident as she said it again. All her pieces were falling into place.
“Justice,” she smiled, looking down at the puppy.
“His name is going to be ‘Justice’…”
The edges of the snowflakes were like tattered lace as they moved in the icy air; the fire inside a direct contradiction to the cold. The turn of the New Year was celebrated as they enjoyed a candlelight dinner at home while both dogs quietly slept in front of the fireplace. They watched the festivities in Times Square on television, and as the days passed into weeks, and weeks turned into months, Carter busied himself with his work while Aimee continued to heal. Each night he held her close, and though they hadn’t been intimate, she felt more connected to him than if they’d had sex. As their love and trust grew with each day that passed, she never felt as secure as she did with Carter. The counseling sessions continued as did the panic attacks, but knowledge was power. Her counselor suggested reading one of the first books on the subject, Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Dr. Claire Weeks. It was as if the book were written to her; it so beautifully described how she felt and explained why it was happening. She felt stronger, more in control of her own body, yet when an unexpected attack occurred she felt like she took a few steps back into fear. Carter was true to his word. His arms secured her back to sanity, as he helped her navigate back to rational thinking. He never complained, just reassured. He had returned to work which required him to leave the house, at her insistence. She had suffered panic attacks during his absence, but never told him as she alternated between surrendering and fighting the fear. There was, however, one day that was worse than all the rest.
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