“I’m sorry, Crystal,” Sean said. “Really sorry. I shouldn’t have let things go so far with us. I’ve been mixed up for a while, but now I’m not.”
“I don’t regret it,” she said. “I think you’re an amazing person and I’m glad that we had some time together. It gives me hope.”
“You’re an amazing person yourself,” Sean said gratefully. “I know that if circumstances had been different in our lives, then we might have been together.”
“You don’t have to say that,” she said. “But thanks anyway.”
She started the VW and headed down the road that would eventually lead to Sean’s cabin. “Are you going to leave?” Crystal asked on the drive back.
“Yes. I have to leave. I have to go back to Bay Point and see if there’s anything left for me there.”
They didn’t talk the rest of the drive. Crystal drove past Marty’s house and dropped Sean at the entrance to the path through the meadow.
“Will it be all right if I come to Billy’s again?” Sean said as he got out of the car. “I need to say goodbye to Pete, but I don’t want to make it harder on either one of us.”
“I know you need to say goodbye to Pete,” she said. “I’m off on Tuesday. That might be a good night to come.”
“I’m going to miss you, Crystal. Thank you.” He closed the door and started down the grassy path to his cabin. Cody was waiting by the door for him when he stepped inside. Sean let him out for a few minutes, then called him back inside. Cody lay down in his usual spot by the bed. Sean thought about Crystal as he was going to sleep. He knew she was hurt and he felt terrible about it. But the truth was the truth, and they both knew it.
Jesse was waiting for him when he stepped out of the cabin on Sunday. Together, they walked up to the farmhouse for lunch. On the way, Sean told Jesse he had decided to leave.
“Aww, man,” Jesse said. “It’s not going to be the same around here.”
At lunch, Sean told Marty and Mrs. Rutherford about his plans to leave.
“I’ve been expecting it,” Marty said. “Can you work out next week or do you need to leave right away?”
“I can work out next week. I want to do that. Thank you. For everything.”
When he left, he gave Mrs. Rutherford a hug. “I’m going to miss your good cooking,” he said. She seemed a little teary eyed when he waved goodbye at the door.
On Tuesday, Sean went to Billy’s and Pete was already there. That was good, because if he hadn’t been, Sean was going to have to leave without saying goodbye in person. He sat beside the old man and Billy brought him a draft.
“I’ve decided to leave, Pete,” he told him.
“Oh, yeah?” Pete said. “What brought this on?”
“I finally got my head together,” Sean said simply. “I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t come here.”
“You’ve been on a journey, that’s for sure,” Pete said.
They talked for a couple of hours. They clinked their mugs on the last drink. Sean got up and shook Pete’s hand. “It’s been good to know you,” he said.
That Friday afternoon, Marty drove Sean and Cody to a larger town down the road where Sean bought a used Chevy truck outright, using part of his money from the sale of the house. He shook Marty’s hand and said goodbye. “Come on, boy,” he said to Cody, who jumped into the truck and sat on the passenger seat. “We’re going on a trip.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
By early August, Marla was seeing Michael several times a week. He had opened Mojo Mike’s in Gulf Shores on time—just barely. There was still work to do on the Mobile bar, so Michael drove from Gulf Shores to Mobile frequently, stopping to get Marla on his way back to Gulf Shores. Michael had rented a cottage, but was talking about buying a place down there. “It’s a good location,” he said. “I can get to all my bars pretty easily from there. Not to mention getting to you.”
She had smiled at him then.
“I’ve got to go to my bar in the Keys next week,” he told her one Sunday on the way back to Bay Point. “Can you come with me?”
“I wish I could. But Jada’s off several days next week and I can’t leave the shop.”
“That’s too bad,” Michael said sounding disappointed. “I’d put it off for when you could go, but I really can’t this time. There’s a problem there with the manager and I’ve got to take care of it. I might be gone a week or longer.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “We’ll do it next time, okay?”
“Since you can’t go, I think I’ll leave tomorrow morning. The sooner I go the sooner I can get back.”
She kissed him goodbye. She checked the courtyard and saw Lucy sitting on one of the patio chairs. “Come on, girl,” she called. Lucy followed her up the steps to her apartment. It was good to be home in her familiar surroundings. Michael’s cottage on the beach was nice, but she didn’t want to live there. Bay Point was her home.
Marla poured a glass of wine and sat on the couch. With all of the channels she got on cable, she couldn’t find a thing that interested her. She glanced at the diary, which sat on the table, untouched for weeks. She picked it up.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Meredith’s Diary
June 17, 2010
Dear Diary,
I couldn’t believe when I found you again today. You got lost in the move but when I opened the box in the closet, there you were. Sorry it’s been so long.
Things are about as bad as they’ve ever been in my whole life. I found out the other day that I have a brain tumor. That hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s still hitting me hard. The worst part, though, was having to tell Sean and my family about it. Marla tried to hold it together and she told Mom and Dad for me. I was chicken on that. But she did it for me.
Telling Sean was the worst. He broke down when I told him and I reassured him as best I could. I told him I’m going to fight it and I am going to do that. While we were sleeping that night I heard the jubilee bells and I made Sean get up. He didn’t want to go, but I made him. We got some good shrimp.
July 30, 2010
Dear Diary,
I swear I thought I was going to be better about writing to you but I’ve been too sick. It’s hard to write. The chemo and radiation just saps every bit of strength I’ve got. More later.
November 21, 2010
Dear Diary,
I’m doing chemo again and it’s killing me.
April 14, 2011
Dear Diary,
I stopped the chemo and I feel great! I haven’t felt this good in a long time. Sean isn’t happy with me for stopping the chemo, but he is happy that I feel better. I really do think I’m going to beat this thing. I feel so healthy and good. I think the tumor is gone now. Every day I wake up and it’s like the first day of my life. I want to see the sunrise. I want to walk around the neighborhood and look at the flowers. I spend hours in the backyard. Keep your fingers crossed for me, Diary.
May 4, 2011
Sean and I argued all night and I really don’t have the strength for that. But as much as it hurt him, I had to get him to see that I can’t keep going with the chemo. It’s not working.
I’m going to die. It’s killing me to write those words. lol. I’m going to die and I can’t stop it. I just want to have the best time I can have before the end.
May 16, 2011
I made Marla learn how to make gumbo today. It’s my legacy to her. She may not appreciate it right now, but she will, I promise you that, Diary.
I’m beginning to feel a little weak now. I don’t know what I would do without Mom and Marla. They’ve taken such good care of me. I wish I could pay them back, but I think I’m beyond being able to pay anyone back for anything.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Marla kept reading Meredith’s diary until she was finished. Her sister’s handwriting had gotten very shaky at the end. Marla closed the book and placed it carefully on the table. And then she cried, loudly and for a long time.
&nbs
p; Diane had given the grief support group participants her card on the last day. “Call me if you need me,” she had said. Marla did need her but it would have to wait until morning. She found the card in the kitchen drawer and put it on the table where she would see it first thing in the morning.
Diane led Marla into her office on the side of her house and motioned her to a chair. Marla sat down, Meredith’s diary in her hand. Diane brought her a cup of tea and a box of Kleenex.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
Marla looked around the room, which was small but adequate. It was decorated with antiques that Marla could appreciate. But she didn’t really care about the antiques. She needed some answers.
Marla cleared her throat. “There were some things,” she began. “When we were in group. There were some things I couldn’t talk about because they were too private.”
Diane nodded in understanding. “Do you want to talk about those things?” she asked.
“Yes. I need to talk about it.”
“Go ahead when you’re ready,” Diane said.
It was hard to form the words. How could she explain everything to Diane? How could Diane understand what she would tell her? Would Diane judge her? She didn’t think so.
“After my sister died, it was really hard on everybody. I know you know that. Death of a loved one is hard no matter what. I know that.”
Diane waited patiently.
“Before she died, Meredith asked me to look after her husband. She was very insistent about it. She made me promise, so I did.”
“And did you do that?” Diane asked.
“I tried to. He was a complete mess and couldn’t deal with anything. So I made all of the arrangements and everything. And then he couldn’t stay in the house so I found him an apartment in Mobile.”
Marla took a sip of the tea and it helped to clear her head a little.
“I tried to look after him but it wasn’t easy since he was in Mobile. We sort of lost contact. Well, any meaningful contact. Just texts. But a few months later he called me from a bar in Mobile and asked me to go get him. So I did.”
“And then what?” Diane said.
“And then I took him back to my apartment. I didn’t know where else to take him. He was in bad shape and I wanted to keep my eye on him.”
Diane just nodded. Marla got the feeling that Diane knew what was coming next.
“So, he stayed there a few weeks and then he went to Atlanta for Christmas. While he was gone, we both missed each other a lot. I knew those feelings probably weren’t appropriate, but they were my feelings. I missed him.”
“I can see that,” Diane said. “He had been with you for a while and you’d gotten used to each other’s presence.”
“Right! That’s exactly right,” Marla said. “We’d gotten to really know each other in a way we never had before. We spent a lot of time together. So when he was gone he kept texting me and finally he came back earlier than expected. I was really glad to see him.”
Marla stopped talking. The hardest part was coming next, but it probably wasn’t going to be a surprise to Diane.
“I made a special dinner that night—really went all out with it. We had wine and everything. And afterwards, while we were sitting on the couch, we started having sex.”
She looked at Diane for a reaction but didn’t see any. “I know most people will think that was wrong of us. We knew that. But we couldn’t stop ourselves. It’s like we needed to do it for each other.”
“Do you feel that was a part of looking after Sean, like Meredith asked you to do?” Diane asked, knowingly.
“Well, I guess I wasn’t sure. But I knew it was something that I wanted to do—that we wanted to do. I don’t know. We did eventually talk about what Meredith would think about it and we both felt it was what she would have wanted. I guess that sounds like we were justifying what we were doing. But we really did feel that way. I just know that we fell in love with each other. We really did.”
“I’m sure you did,” Diane said. “There were a lot of deep feelings between the two of you. You had a deep bond and mutual love for your sister. I can see it.”
“Thank you,” Marla said. “I was worried you wouldn’t understand.”
“The heart is very complex,” Diane said. “Sometimes your heart goes where society tells it not to go.”
Marla was so glad she’d come to see Diane. She was already feeling a lot better.
“Then one night, while we were being intimate, he called me by my sister’s name.”
“Oh,” Diane said.
“I understood that it was a slip of the tongue. But it did upset me and made me start thinking about everything. So I told him the next day that maybe we should think about what we were doing. He said he was sorry. I mean, my name starts out like Merrie’s name, so I can see slipping up. He was sorry.”
“And the next thing I knew, he was leaving. Going to hike the Appalachian Trail like he had after high school. He said he needed to get clear, that we needed to get clear so we could be open for each other.”
“That sounds very wise,” Diane said. “Very wise.”
“I guess. I do see it. I didn’t want him to go but he went anyway. The next time I heard his voice, was a week or so later. He told me he loved me but he was going to keep hiking. And then the next time I heard from him, he said he was staying in some little town to cut down trees.”
“Cut down trees?”
“Yes. He’d gotten a job with some guy who was teaching him to cut down trees. That worried me a lot because he didn’t know a thing about that.”
“When was that?”
“That was on Valentine’s Day. I’ve never talked to him again. He texted for a while just to say he was okay. And then he went a long time without texting. The last time he texted I didn’t respond.”
“I’m sure you were wondering what he was doing and not feeling a part of anything with him,” Diane said.
“Yes. And by that point I just felt like I was an intrusion in his life. That he didn’t need me anymore.”
“That must’ve been hard.”
Marla nodded. “Very hard. Made me think if my relationship with Sean was all about him needing me, Marla, who would take care of everything. Really made me start to think about that.”
Diane nodded.
“My college boyfriend started coming around—Michael. He was buying some bars in Mobile and Gulf Shores, so he had a reason to be in the area. And I started going out with him.”
“I’m sure you were feeling pretty lonely and confused about everything,” Diane said.
“Yes, I was. Things got more serious with Michael, but I was holding off on having a completely intimate relationship with him. But then one night when we were eating in Gulf Shores, I got upset and he was so kind. I think that’s when I realized that Sean was never coming back. I mean, Michael was there, comforting me and Sean wasn’t. So I took the next step and became intimate with Michael.”
Marla blushed and stopped talking.
“Are you still seeing him?”
“Yes, we’ve been seeing each other regularly. But the thing I didn’t say before is that the reason I was upset that night is because I found Meredith’s diary. It was a total accident that I found it in the storeroom. I had been reading it and it brought everything back. It was like Meredith was talking.”
“Is that what you have there?” Diane asked motioning to the green book Marla held tightly in her hands.
“Yes. I wanted you to read part of it. She started it right when she graduated from college and she talks about meeting Sean, but she didn’t write in it very much. Only at then end.”
Marla opened the diary and flipped the pages until she found the part she wanted Diane to read. “Her handwriting is shaky, but you can still read it,” Marla said, handing the book to Diane.
May 24, 2011
Dear Diary,
It’s the middle o
f the night and I’m here in my sick bed while my husband is in our former marital bed asleep. It’s very hard to write now, but I feel I’ve got to put something out there, to the universe. I’ve given it a LOT of thought.
Today Marla brushed my hair and it felt so good. Not much soothes me these days, but that does. Before she did it, though, I asked her to keep an eye on Sean. I know that seems like an unfair request, but I had to do it. For Sean. He’s going to need her. But what I’ve come to realize over these weeks as I’ve lain in this bed, is that she’s going to need him too. I love Sean and Marla so much. They are my best friends.
So, this thought came into my head a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head ever since. I thought, what if Sean and Marla got together, after I’m gone? If I were going to live, I would never think such a thing. But I’m not going to live. I want more than anything for Sean and Marla to be happy.
Do you think I’m crazy, Diary? Sean and Marla? But I know I’m not crazy. I’m very sane. I know Sean and Marla better than I know anyone on this earth and I know that they would be good together. It’s hard to find someone good to love. Why not Sean and Marla? If I can hold on to that idea, then I will feel so much more peaceful when I go. I’m holding on to it. I’m putting it out in the universe. Don’t let me down.
And now I’m going to go. Peace and love to Mom and Dad and Sean and Marla.
Goodbye, Diary.
Diane took her reading glasses off and looked at Marla. “Could you hand me one of those tissues?” she said.
Marla gave her the box after taking one for herself.
“That is very powerful,” Diane said. “Your sister loves you a lot.” Again, the present tense with the word “love,” not the past tense.
“She loves Sean a lot,” Diane continued. “I think she knew the two of you very well. This is such a selfless request on her part.”
Hand-Me-Down Love Page 14