This is too, too weird. It wasn’t this way with Dan or any other boy I’ve kissed. How can I be left cold by a guy this good-looking? It doesn’t make sense. Maybe I’m in a funny mood, maybe it’s the punch. But I’m not messing this up in case I change my mind later. With luck he thinks I’m just holding him off a little so he doesn’t get carried away. When he pulls back to look at my face, he doesn’t have a clue that I was less into it than him.
‘You’re beautiful,’ he says and kisses me again. But his words do more to me than his mouth does.
Now, with manufactured pop belching out of the speakers and his lips moving over mine, I know I’ll be glad when the evening is over and we go home. I need to figure out what’s going on because I don’t get it at all.
I make excuses to get him back inside – I need more punch, I’m thirsty. I drag him over to talk to his mates, then I run off with Gemma for a while and let her drone on about some guy she fancies in the year above. I fake excitement and squeal along with her. Fraser follows and his hands are all over me, but my skin is still numb to his touch. So weird. I let him all but grope me for a while, just so I can get a handle on how strange it is.
There’s a vase in an alcove opposite us high up in the wall. It has a Chinese pattern and looks expensive, and it is beautiful. But it’s of no use. A decoration with no substance. That’s what it feels like with Fraser. He’s pretty, but . . . there’s nothing more . . .
I wish I could talk to Tasha right now. Maybe she could help me understand it. Hot is hot, right? Except now it seems like it’s not.
When he takes me home later and kisses me goodnight, I’m glad to wave goodbye to him and close the door behind me so I can stop pretending.
So it seems Fraser and I are an item. How did that happen? A week ago I might have wanted it. Now? I’d have to say not really.
Maybe it’ll get better. Maybe I’ll feel different next time he touches me. Maybe I’m simply weirded out from all the freakiness of the past months.
Maybe not.
He texts me on Sunday, not loads but enough to show he’s definitely interested. On Monday at school, he makes for me on the way to registration and slips his arm round me in the corridor. And suddenly everyone knows about us. Everyone is speaking like we’re together.
So I guess we are together. It could be worse. He’s good for my image. He knows people. He’ll help me fit in.
Only Holly isn’t supposed to be dating the school stud. She’s supposed to keep her head down. For the first time in the last few weeks, I wonder if I’ve been stupid. What have I got out of the tangential leap I made after the Facebook episode? I talk to some people I don’t really care for and I’ve somehow acquired a boyfriend that I’m not really into, bizarre though that is.
I mean, what am I doing? All the lengths I went to, to make myself into someone else. I even gave up playing my violin.
Why did I give it up? I can’t fully remember my reasoning now, or rather I can’t get it to make sense any more. Was it the association with everything that happened? Or did I just overreact to the identity change? It wasn’t as if they told me I had to radically alter everything about myself. That was all me.
But when someone holds a gun to your head to blow your brains out, when you’ve seen what they did to a friend, to Katya, you never want them to find you as long as you live. You’ll do anything to stop that. How did I manage to forget that in the last few weeks?
I remember when the police came to speak to me in the hospital when I was recovering after I got away from the men they sent to kill me. Two women came to talk to me – I never did recall their names.
‘Where’s Mum and Dad?’ I’d kept asking the nurses that question, but they wouldn’t tell me. Perhaps these women would. ‘And why is there a policeman outside my door all the time?’
They looked at each other. ‘Don’t you remember what happened?’ the first one said.
‘The doctor never said anything about amnesia,’ the second said to her with a frown.
‘Of course I remember what happened. I want to see my mum and dad. Where are they?’
‘The officer is there for your protection.’
‘Where’s my mum and dad?’ I was starting to panic that they weren’t going to answer this.
‘You’ll see them soon. As soon as you can be discharged. They did come to see you while you were unconscious. But if you remember what happened, Louisa, you’ll understand why it’s not safe for them to come here right now.’
I burst into tears. My head still hurt, with a sharp throbbing pain despite the painkillers, and I wanted my mum so badly.
One of the women tried to put her arm round me. I pushed her away. I didn’t want her. If I couldn’t have Mum, I wanted a nurse there, not those two with their hard faces and lack of sympathy. Even the woman’s arm around me felt bony and irritated, as if she was only doing it because she had to.
‘Louisa, we need you to try to calm down. I know it’s been very difficult and you’ve had a frightening experience, but we’re here to try to explain how we can keep you safe from now onwards.’
‘Can I see one of the nurses, please?’ I said through the tears.
‘I’d prefer it if you didn’t. We do need to explain procedures to you and we can’t do that with a third party here. It’s just too dangerous.’
The second woman passed me a tissue. ‘You and your family are now in the witness protection programme, Louisa. We were concerned that the people who came after you in relation to Katya Chernokov’s kidnapping would come after your family as a revenge attack or to try to stop you from testifying against them.’
‘Why didn’t anyone think of that before it happened? And what do you mean, testifying? I can’t testify when you haven’t caught them.’
‘No, of course not.’ The first woman sounded irritated. ‘But you did indicate your willingness to testify if they were caught.’
Yes, I had. I’d seen Katya and what they’d done to her. I’d said yes to testifying after that. I guess that was why they’d let me see her, so I’d agree. I couldn’t say no after seeing her in that state.
I took a deep breath and tried to regain control. ‘So when can I see Mum and Dad? And what do you mean about witness protection?’
‘We’ll take you to your parents as soon as you can be discharged from hospital. Perhaps tomorrow or the day after. Your doctor says you’re doing well.’
My panic subsides. Not long. I can see them soon.
‘They’re in a hotel in a location only your Witness Protection Liaison Officer knows. He’ll take you to them and from there you’ll go to another location. He’ll explain it all to you as soon as you come out of hospital. Any questions?’
Any questions? How about a million?
Perhaps I was right in the beginning about who Holly should be – quiet, unobtrusive, invisible. Really I just wanted to be me. But who is me when my friends and my home are gone, and even Mum and Dad have to be who they’re not? The only one who can still be herself is Katie and suddenly I have an overwhelming desire to be with her. I avoid the others in school for the rest of the day, making excuses about coursework, and I slope off to the library. The truth is I can’t stand to have to act. Of course, I could not put on an act, but I can’t remember how to do that, except when I’m with Katie.
I race home at the end of the day and my sister is waiting for me. I grab her and hug her, squeezing hard until she squeals.
‘Come on, Popsicle, we’re going to the park.’
I can see the signs of spring bursting through in the gardens as we walk up to the playing fields: daffodils with yellow trumpet heads nodding at us in the stiff April breeze, buds starting to form on shrubs and trees, and the afternoon sun is that bit warmer than it was last week. I’m with Katie, the day is over and my mood lifts. Maybe life isn’t so bad.
The playground is empty this time so Katie has it all to herself. ‘What first? Climbing frame, slide or swings?’ She’s not a fan
of roundabouts generally. I can see her eyes drawn to the swings, but she surprises me by going for the climbing frame first. I help her out when she gets to the monkey bars – she likes some support when she’s reaching from bar to bar because she’s scared of falling off. Funny, because she’s got no fear on the swings at all.
It’s on her third time down the slide that I hear a voice call, ‘Hey, Holly!’ When I turn, there’s a bunch of people from school walking across the basketball court behind us – Fraser’s friends, though he’s not with them. He’s back up the field talking to someone, a girl I can’t recognise from this distance. Lucy is wrapped round Stuart as usual and Gemma’s showing renewed interest in an ex of hers that she ditched because he can’t kiss well enough. But maybe she’s changing her mind. Being without a boyfriend when Lucy is perma-bonded to Stuart is bugging her.
They all wave but don’t come over, except Cam who detaches herself from the group and wanders towards the netting. ‘Who’s this?’ She nods at Katie who’s zooming down the slide with a squeal that makes everyone look at her.
I grit my teeth.
‘My little sister.’
‘Aw, how cute,’ Cam says in a patronising voice, like Katie is a puppy or something.
Katie bounds up. ‘HELLO!’
Cam takes a step back from the netting. The group are staring. ‘Er, hello. What’s your name?’
I clench my fingers round my thumbs as Katie stares at Cam, and stares. And stares some more. ‘I don’t like you,’ she announces after careful consideration. If it wasn’t so awkward, I’d laugh. Her timing is just so crazy funny.
Cam takes another step back and looks at me, prickling with hostility. ‘What’s her problem?’ Yep, everyone is definitely riveted to us now and Fraser is heading over. The girl he was with has disappeared.
Katie glowers as a couple of others wander over to join Cam. She feels crowded, I can tell, and I put my arm round her.
One of the boys, a friend of Cam’s I recognise from the party, leans on the netting. ‘You should teach her some manners. That was well rude. You shouldn’t let her get away with that.’
‘Yeah, tell her off,’ Lucy’s younger sister adds.
They stare at me, waiting, and I can feel my cheeks getting hotter and hotter, and then Fraser arrives. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Holly’s sister was just completely rude to me and she’s just let her get away with it,’ Cam says indignantly. ‘I didn’t do a thing and it’s so out of order.’ Her eyes start to fill up and I could slap her face for that, the faker. She’s not that upset at all, just going for the sympathy vote because she doesn’t like me.
Fraser frowns at me but says nothing . . . yet. I sense there’s a ‘yet’.
‘Katie’s autistic.’ I hate saying that in front of my sister. She knows of course, but to say it in front of her feels wrong, like I’m saying she’s wrong for being that way.
‘Oh,’ Cam says, looking at Katie like she’s something in a Victorian freak show. The others change the way they look at her too, including Fraser.
I swallow hard. ‘She doesn’t understand why she shouldn’t say things like that.’ I could have told her off to mollify them, but I would never do that to Katie. She gets so upset if you’re cross with her and she doesn’t understand why.
Cam shrugs. She clearly doesn’t believe me. ‘Yeah, well, whatever, I have to go now. Bye.’ She turns and walks off. The others mutter a goodbye and follow her off up the field. I wonder where they’re going. Once again, I haven’t been invited to hang out with them after school.
Fraser turns and watches them. ‘I should go too . . . er . . .’
‘Yeah, see you at school.’ I get it in quickly and breezily before he can come up with some pathetic excuse why he doesn’t want to be with me now.
If we are together, this is the weirdest together I’ve ever known.
‘Text you later.’ He flashes me his melting grin, but it doesn’t turn me to goo this time.
I smile and turn away and walk Katie over to the swings. After I make sure she’s settled in the middle of the seat, I look back. Fraser’s jogging up the field after Cam and Crew who’ve disappeared from sight down one of the back lanes.
Am I ever going to fit in here?
Then again, I don’t want to fit in with people who look at my sister the way they did. I watch Katie’s face as I make the swing fly – she’s so innocent of all the complications that make the rest of us shitty people sometimes. How can anyone look down on her for that? Sometimes I don’t understand people at all.
When I’m lying in bed later that night, I think about how Cam and the others looked at Katie again, and then I remember how Katya looked at her the first time we met her. Because it’s different. So very different.
Katya. Who’s ruined my life.
But I can’t hate her for that, because hers has been ruined worse.
I’d got up early to go for a swim on the beach, but just as I was about to leave the cottage, Katie appeared on the stairs fully dressed and grinning. ‘Me too, Boo-Boo.’
I shushed her with a finger on my lips. ‘Don’t wake Mum and Dad. They’re having a lie-in. OK, but you have to promise to sit nicely on the beach while I swim and then I’ll take you for a paddle.’ She wasn’t a good enough swimmer to go more than knee-deep in the sea yet.
She made a silent squeal of joy at me and ran to get her costume.
Ten minutes later, we picked our way down the steep cliff path, my hand holding tightly to hers in case she stumbled. The sound of sea swooshing on sand as we descended gave me such a rush – there was something magical about it, especially in the early morning light. In the same way that there was magic in the air at Christmas when the streets were lit up with stars, and shop windows were full of glitter and tinsel. The way that makes your blood fizz with excitement at how amazing it is to be alive in that moment.
I got Katie to sit on a rock where I could see her and I slipped into the cold sea, shivering and teeth chattering at first until I’d splashed around enough for my muscles to work and heat the rest of me. After the initial bracing cold, it was like a fire slowly warming me through. So good.
When I got out, I wrapped a towel round my shoulders and stripped Katie’s jeans and sweatshirt off so she was just in her cossie, then I took her to paddle.
She flinched at first at the chilly water on her toes.
‘Ha ha, Popsicle – is that freezing? Deep breath before the wave comes again. Ready? Wheee . . .’
‘Wheeeee!’
‘OK, next time we’re going to run in a bit.’ I grasp her hand. ‘Now!’
Once she was in, she forgot the cold and splashed about, scrunching her toes in the sand. I bent to scoop water over her with my hands and she giggled happily and kicked some back at me. Then I chased her down the beach, in and out of the shallows.
When I realised we’d been there nearly an hour, just messing about, I decided we’d better go back and get breakfast. My tummy had begun to complain. I called Katie to come back and pulled my jeans and hoody on. When I looked up from lacing my trainers, there was a girl standing at the bottom of the steps watching us. I hadn’t realised from seeing her in the little cottage window that she would be so tall, model tall and slim, with sleek hair around her shoulders and those exotic cheekbones and eyes.
We walked over to her. ‘Hey, you’re from next door, right? I’m Lou.’
‘Yes. Hello. I’m Katya.’ Her voice was accented a little, but her English was flawless. ‘I met your mother. She was very nice to mine. Very welcoming. This is your sister?’
‘Yes – Katie.’
Katya smiled at her. ‘Hello, Katie, you are very pretty.’
Katie beamed. ‘Thank you.’ And she turned to me. ‘I like her, Boo-Boo. She’s nice.’
Katya laughed. Even her laugh had a Russian accent, which made me giggle inwardly, but it really, truly did. ‘Boo-Boo?’
‘Yeah, she couldn’t say my name when she was a b
aby. It was the closest she could get and it’s sort of stuck. Now she won’t stop. It’s Louisa really, but everyone calls me Lou.’
She nodded. ‘The girls at my school call me Kat. I like that.’
‘It suits you with those eyes.’ I smiled to show her it was a compliment.
‘Yes, they said that. Is the water cold?’ She had a towel in her hand.
‘Very, but it’s worth it.’
‘I am looking forward to it. In Russia, swimming outdoors in winter is a national hobby. This will be nothing compared to the crazy people who break the ice and jump in.’
‘Wow! That sounds mental. How long did you live in Russia for?’
‘Until I was thirteen and then Papa moved us to London. It is good there, but I miss Russia also.’
I didn’t know what to say to that really – her eyes looked so sad when she talked about home – so I smiled. Katie tugged my hand. ‘I’m hungry!’
Katya smiled and cupped Katie’s face with her hands, long slim fingers with immaculately polished pink nails. ‘Then you must have your breakfast, Katyenka. And I have been keeping you from it. That is very bad of me. Do you know we have the same name, you and I? Katie in Russian is Katya.’
Katie giggled adoringly and Katya gained a new admirer.
The Russian girl moved aside to let us pass. ‘Enjoy your swim,’ I said as we started up the steps.
She smiled and nodded. ‘Enjoy your breakfast!’
We left each other without offers to meet later. I sensed a reserve behind her initial friendliness and didn’t want to push further. When we got to the top of the cliff, she was wading out into the sea, apparently immune to the coldness of the water as it didn’t seem to cause her to pause when the waves washed into her. She had a strange aura of sadness wrapped round her like a cloak. She cast if off briefly to talk to my sister, but now she’d shrouded herself in it again.
Why was such a beautiful girl so unhappy and so alone? Her solitude was almost tangible. She was on holiday, yet she was holed up in that cottage and scarcely came out. They’d been there three days and this was the first time I’d seen her outdoors.
By Any Other Name Page 8