by Beth Miller
‘You listen to what you’re asking, Ruby.’
Milo’s mum let him go and sat down with a thump on the sofa. Aunty Verna smiled at Milo. ‘Come on, honey, your place is with your momma.’
Milo shook his head, still holding on tight to the table leg.
Milo’s mum said, in a quiet voice, ‘What’ll I do? He won’t come.’ She rubbed her arms, first one, then the other.
‘Have you hurt your arms?’ Milo said.
She shook her head.
‘Well, Ruby, this is what I meant before,’ Aunty Verna said. ‘They gets to a certain age, ain’t possible to make them do what they don’t want.’
Milo sat up, and he and his mum stared at each other across the room. Milo’s mum pushed her hand into her hair. It looked funny, stuck up at the front like a hedgehog. She said, ‘Aren’t you happy here?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then for Christ’s sake, why did you send that message?’
‘I want Daddy.’
‘You can’t have me and Daddy.’
‘I want to.’
‘You can’t, Milo, it’s one or the other. Do you understand?’
He didn’t answer. She yelled: ‘DO YOU UNDERSTAND?’
Milo thought about Minette saying, ‘Are you ever frightened by your mum?’ He nodded. ‘I understand.’
‘Boy wants both his parents, Ruby. It’s only natural. Now, let me ask you one more time. Why don’t we just talk to Andy? He probably feels so remorseful. He ain’t going to be the first fellow who acted crazy then regretted it. He’ll be a lamb, I promise you. You all can stay here while you decide what to do …’
‘I can’t.’ Milo’s mum stood up.
‘So what are you saying?’ Aunty Verna asked.
Milo’s mum said, ‘I’m going to have to go without him.’
‘You crazy?’ Aunty Verna shouted. It was the first time since they arrived that Milo had even seen her cross. ‘You can’t abandon your child! Think about what you are saying.’
‘I’m not abandoning him,’ Milo’s mum said. She was properly crying now. ‘He’s abandoning me. He’s made a choice.’
‘But you could stay! I’ll look after you all. I’ll send Andy packing, don’t you worry.’
There was a sound of a car outside and Milo’s mum ran to the window. ‘Christ almighty.’ Then she turned back. ‘Not him. OK. Verna, did you do the kids’ bag? Thanks.’ She took it from Aunty Verna, pulled Milo into a hug and kissed him hard on the cheek.
‘Bye, Adam,’ she said. ‘I love you.’
‘I know,’ Milo said.
He felt her fingers press harder on his back. She stayed there for a long time, so long he wondered if she really was going to go. It was very quiet. Then she stood back, and looked at him.
‘I wish …’ she said, and looked from him to Aunty Verna.
‘Yes, sugar?’ Aunty Verna said.
Then Milo’s mum shook her head, walked outside and put Breeze into the car. Milo stood in the doorway watching them.
‘This is just crazy stuff,’ Aunty Verna said to him. ‘I am so angry at your mother.’
Milo could hear Breeze wailing, calling his name. He waved, and the car reversed suddenly, in a big jump, then bunny-hopped into the road. His mother got it going properly and the car roared away. Aunty Verna put her hand on his shoulder and they stood there for a few minutes, staring into the street, not saying anything. Then she said, ‘Oh my gosh, I think she’s gone off with your toy.’
‘What one?’
‘She told me to pack teddies for both of you. Your soft brown bear?’
A taxi pulled up, and before it stopped properly, his dad jumped out and ran to him.
‘Adam! You’re standing!’ his dad said, and he flung his arms round him.
‘Daddy,’ Milo said, and tears went all over his dad’s shirt, ‘Daddy, Mummy has taken Waffles.’
Chapter 30
Minette
‘GO AND HAVE a coffee,’ Sharon urged. ‘She’ll be fine. Hey, Tilly, shall we play with the sand?’
She took Tilly’s hand and led her to the sandpit. Tilly whooped in excitement when she saw it, practically dragged Sharon the last few steps. Sharon smiled, and made a shooing motion at Minette with her hands. ‘Bye, sweetie,’ Minette called, but Tilly didn’t look round.
Outside, Minette raised her face to the sky and took a couple of slow breaths, looked at the clouds, wiped under her eyes with the side of her hand. There was a whole world out here, and she was on her own in it. She walked to the nearest café and ordered an espresso. Her mother Élise, unlike most of her French compatriots, didn’t generally drink coffee, preferring tea after all her years living in England. However, when Minette was a child, Élise always celebrated any small achievement in their lives with un café. So it came to seem to Minette as though it was a treat, like champagne, though she too didn’t much like it. She stirred in two lumps of sugar, and sipped it. Still too bitter.
Tilly’s try-out at Busy Tigers was a success, and she started going there three days a week. Shortly after, Minette returned to work. Her old colleagues were delighted to see her, and she was plunged straight back into the rotas and new systems and gossip as though she’d never been gone. She found that she enjoyed it even more than she’d done B.T. – Before Tilly – because work was now a contrast to the rest of her life. While there, she could finish a conversation, have a coherent thought from beginning to end, eat a quiet lunch at her desk, go for a pee whenever she liked. Home became easier too, because Tilly was more tired now she was at nursery, and she began to sleep reliably through the night to seven o’clock. When they were students this would have been a brutal time to wake; now Abe called it a ‘luxury lie-in’. Minette slowly began to feel like her old self again.
All four grandparents came to Tilly’s first birthday party. Minette’s parents were civil to each other, which was made possible by Richard leaving his difficult second wife at home. They even paid jointly for a family photo of all of them, though they made sure to sit on opposite sides of the picture. Julie and Roy gave Tilly a huge soft lion, big enough for her to sit on, which she adored. Everyone loved the meal Minette made, the champagne sparkled, and Julie made a speech in which she described Minette and Abe as ‘the best parents I have ever seen’, to which Élise called out, ‘Bien dit!’ It was one of the happiest times Minette could remember for a long time. She silently gave thanks to the God of Good Things that her life, as she knew it, remained intact. Despite everything, she’d managed not to screw things up.
The days went by, and Tilly started to produce more recognisable words, including ‘Mama’. The way she said it made Minette’s heart melt, every time.
At the end of July, a ‘For Sale’ sign went up outside Cath’s house, and Minette went to look round, posing as a buyer. She knew Cath had painted the walls, and restored the wooden floors. Now she could see how much of an improvement the new kitchen and redecorated bathroom made. The house sold quickly, for £55,000 more than Cath had paid for it. Minette was glad. The more money, the better for Lola.
Minette and Abe were in close contact with Andy. He’d taken Adam, as they were learning to call him, straight home to Harrogate from Heathrow. But he Skyped them the following evening, when Adam was in bed, and gave them all the details of his dramatic rescue. How Verna had reluctantly driven him and Adam round for several hours looking for Cath, though Andy knew that Verna genuinely had no idea where they’d gone. How they’d eventually gone back to Verna’s, where she’d cooked for them, and, after Adam was asleep, had mixed some strong cocktails, and told Andy a few things he didn’t know about Cath. That her mother, who’d been ‘a lousy mother, and I’m using mother here as short for a swearword, if you get me,’ had hung herself when Cath was fourteen. ‘Right in the kitchen, hanging from the beam above the flue.’
Cath was the person who found her. ‘Well of course she was,’ Verna said, ‘she was the only person in and out of that god-awful house. Bernadette
made no attempt to protect her.’ Verna mixed another mojito. ‘I always said that Ruby deserved a pretty big pass after that. She was allowed to be a little cranky.’
Her own mother, Bernadette’s sister, travelled to England for the funeral and had wanted to bring Ruby back to live with them, but Cath chose to stay at school and was taken in by Gina’s parents.
Andy hadn’t known that Cath’s mother had killed herself, and this shocked Verna almost as much as Cath abandoning Adam. But not quite. ‘I still say she earned the right to a free pass, but I tell you, I am not feeling best pleased with her for leaving that boy. I know she never had a role model, but even she knows that is not what a good mother would do.’
Andy looked at Verna, and they smiled at each other.
‘I guess,’ Verna said, ‘she is not necessarily a good mother.’
‘Only perhaps in the sense that you used the word about Bernadette,’ Andy said, and Verna said, ‘Now that’s going a bit far, Andrew. You do not have an unblemished record, yourself.’
Andy had tried to tell Verna his side of the story, but Verna said it would be better if she didn’t know it, that whatever the rights and wrongs, she was still, and would always be, there for Ruby.
‘Wow,’ Minette marvelled, ‘like Gina.’ She was so impressed by, and yes, rather envious of, the unconditional loyalty that Cath inspired in others. But maybe that was part of Cath’s illness – it was powerful enough that she was able to convince a lot of people to accept her version of the world.
Andy said he planned to get Adam settled, and back into school, then he’d leave the grandparents in charge while he returned to the States to find Lola. He spoke confidently of teaming up with Verna, and didn’t seem to consider the impossibility of the task that faced him, so Minette didn’t say anything. But a week or so later, Andy contacted them again, with the news that Verna had heard from Ruby. Though he was obviously relieved that there had been contact, he seemed unexpectedly flat. Minette felt terrified that something bad had happened to Lola, but Andy reassured her.
‘Verna says Esmie is fine. She’s even spoken to her. But it’s like the arrangement with Gina all over again; Ruby will only stay in touch with Verna if she swears not to tell anyone, especially me, where they are.’
‘Are they still in the States?’
‘I’m guessing so, but Verna won’t say. She has Ruby’s new number and email, but of course she has to keep all this to herself. Verna just wants them to stay in touch, so she isn’t going to do anything Ruby doesn’t want.’
‘Will you still go out there and look for her?’ Abe asked.
Andy shook his head. ‘I really want to, but Verna’s insistent that I don’t rock the boat. She says me going there will jeopardise things, tip the balance she’s got now. Verna thinks that if we give her enough time, Ruby will come round. Maybe even move back in with her.’
Minette didn’t think that sounded likely, but she nodded enthusiastically, along with Abe.
‘And Verna’s promised me that she’ll check in with them regularly, three times a week. She’ll speak to Esmie every time, to reassure herself, and if she’s worried about her safety, then the deal with Ruby’s off, and she’ll tell me where they are.’ He rubbed his forehead, smoothed down the two sharp vertical lines. ‘It’s about as good as I can hope for right now, I think.’
Andy admitted then that he was still kicking himself for alerting Cath that he was on his way. ‘I wish I’d taken your advice and not texted,’ he said. Yeah, Minette thought, I wish you had too. Gina had been right about Andy, when she said he acted first, then thought afterwards. Minette tried not to make him feel worse than he did already. He’d paid a hefty price these last few months for his poor impulse control.
‘Lola will be fine,’ Minette tried to reassure Andy, and he responded with his own desperate belief: ‘When she’s older, like Adam, she’ll find a way to get in touch with me.’
Minette suspected that Lola wouldn’t realise she needed to get away from her mother for a long time. She was a different character to her brother. She wondered if Cath had known she needed to get away from her own mother, before the decision was taken for her.
Adam came onto Skype afterwards to say ‘hello’, and was all smiles, clearly very happy to be home. His grandparents had bought him a new Waffles teddy, and he was back at his original school, only now he could walk and play football. He told Minette that she must try sour cream on her jacket potato, and she promised she would. Life for him was good. Apart from missing his sister.
Minette took Tilly to Kirsten’s house for her last cranial osteopathy session. She suspected that Tilly’s improved sleeping had happened naturally, without any outside help other than the tiring activity of nursery, but she didn’t want to hurt Kirsten’s feelings. Minette watched as Kirsten gently touched Tilly’s head, and realised that she was seeing it through a new, cynical lens. It looked silly, like the laying on of hands. She didn’t say anything, of course, because Kirsten was a good person who meant well. Minette handed over the £20 fee with the oddest feeling, as if she was paying off her former self: the naïve young girl who was fair game to every charlatan and charmer who passed by.
Kirsten walked Minette to the front door, and said, ‘I see Cath’s house is up for sale. Any idea where she’s gone?’
Minette and Abe had agreed not to talk about what happened to any more neighbours, so Minette just said, ‘No, none at all. She left in rather a hurry.’
‘All a bit bloody weird, wasn’t it? Blew in, made friends with everyone, then disappeared again.’ Kirsten frowned. ‘She sponsored me for my 10K, you know, and never paid up. £60, it’s not like it was a small amount.’
‘Oh dear, that’s a shame,’ Minette said. ‘I guess she forgot, what with moving and everything.’
‘Wouldn’t mind,’ Kirsten said, opening the door, ‘but I gave her a hundred quid for hers.’
The weather was gorgeous that summer. On her home days, Minette’s favourite thing was to sit on the bench with Tilly and read to her. The book Tilly most often chose was Five Minutes’ Peace, in which Mrs Large, an elephant, tries to have a quiet moment away from her noisy children. Minette read it over and over, finding an odd kind of five minutes’ peace herself in the repetition.
The days went by, and in early August the local Duchenne Together group rang Minette to ask when they’d be getting the money she and Cath had raised. They explained that Cath had given her name as the point of contact. Minette laughed. She had to admire Cath’s style. Unlike poor Andy, Minette did not feel in the least responsible for the debt. She’d given all the money she raised to Cath in good faith. She pointed out that the group should not have allowed Cath to set up her own unregulated donations page. With Abe feeding her lines from his Citizens Advice legal knowledge, she asked if they realised they could put their charitable status at risk by such poor management, and Duchenne Together lost interest in the conversation.
A couple of weeks later a new family moved into Cath’s house, a couple in their forties with a teenage daughter. The mother chatted to Minette across the wall, and mentioned how much her daughter loved babies, wanted to be a nanny in fact, and was a great babysitter. Minette had learned to be wary of gift horses. She thanked the woman, and said she’d bear it in mind.
August turned into September, and Davey’s school rang to ask her if she, as the named contact, knew why Cath Brooke hadn’t handed over the money she’d raised at the school quiz. Minette was a dab hand at these calls now, and the conversation only lasted five minutes.
It was the middle of September and Minette was pushing Tilly on the swing in the little park when she saw Josie walking towards them. Josie’s pregnancy was just about visible, and she cradled her small bump protectively. Minette smiled at her, remembering how she’d done that. How enormous she’d felt, even at three months. Josie admired Tilly’s purple dress, a gift from Minette’s mother, who was coming into her own now that she could buy stylish French baby c
lothes.
Minette said, ‘It must be about time for your twelve weeks scan?’
‘Yes, we just had it,’ Josie said eagerly. ‘They said everything was fine, thank god.’
‘That’s brilliant.’ Minette realised she hadn’t seen Liam around for weeks, and indeed, had barely thought of him.
‘I know I’m supposed to be feeling all joyful and maternal,’ Josie said, touching her stomach again. ‘But I’m filled with random worries instead.’
‘I was the same,’ Minette said. It felt now as if those anxieties had been experienced by someone quite other. Someone who had no idea how big and bad the real world could be.
‘Oh, thank god you understand! My sister’s got three kids, she says wait till it arrives, then you’ll really start worrying. But that’s all I’m doing now. I can’t stop. The baby’s health, what I should eat, the labour, my blood pressure, did I screw the little fella up by drinking too much before I knew I was preggers …’
Now Minette was able to see Josie as a real person, rather than just an inconvenient obstacle, she found something very appealing about her. In particular she liked the way Josie blurted out her feelings, emotions scudding across her open face for all to see. She seemed to be a person who didn’t lock any part of herself away. Minette knew she wouldn’t ever be ready for cosy couples’ dinners, sitting across from Liam, her hormones jumping about despite herself. But she thought she might like to get to know Josie. Do I feel guilty for sleeping with your husband? Minette asked herself. Yes. Do I feel overwhelmed by it, such that I couldn’t be friends with you now? No. Maybe there was something to Cath’s breezy compartmentalising, after all.
We’ll all be dead in a hundred years.
‘After Tilly’s had enough of the swings, would you like to come back to mine for a cuppa and a chat?’ Minette said.
‘I’d love to,’ Josie said immediately. ‘Liam’s not much help, he’s totally focused on his teaching course. No one in the history of the universe has ever wanted to be a teacher as much as him, of course. I don’t think he’ll register this baby until it’s on the outside.’