The Road To Forgiveness

by Justine Elvira

Chapter Nine

  It’s Christmas Eve morning and I can feel the cool air hit my face. I just came from visiting Miles at the cemetery and filling him in on Sebastian, my appointment with Dr. Krane this morning, and how I suck at being on bed rest. I’ve been visiting Miles every day and filling him in on the new developments of my life. It seems to get a little easier each time I visit him.

  Now I’m walking in to another appointment with Doctor Krane. I have seen her four times in the last two weeks. We opted to go with a female therapist instead of Sebastian’s connection he got from a close friend. I thought I would be more comfortable speaking with a woman because of all my trust issues with men.

  She has been great so far. Our first appointment was a bust. I had a hard time talking to her about everything. She did her best to make me feel comfortable and by the second appointment, I was spilling my life story to her. She would listen to everything I’d say and then take her time in expressing her opinion.

  It feels good to talk about everything with someone who isn’t connected to me personally. I used to see a therapist when I was in night school and pregnant with Miles. I remember it helping but the therapy was short lived. Once I had Miles, I was no longer able to participate in the program and I couldn’t afford to go to therapy on my own.

  I walk into the one story building and head to the left. Dr. Krane’s office is the first door on my right. Sebastian has gone to the last three appointments with me and waited in the waiting room. Today he had to leave me on my own so that he could get some last minute Christmas shopping done.

  I walk into the office where Dr. Krane’s secretary sits behind a wall with an open window.

  “My name is Mia Dechino and I have a ten o’clock appointment with Doctor Krane.”

  “Okay, Ms. Dechino, if you have a seat the doctor will be with you shortly.”

  I nod my head and walk over to the few seats in the small waiting room. There is a small selection of health magazines on the magazine rack but other than that the room is very plain.

  I sit down and pull out my phone to send a quick text to Jonathon.

  Me: Lunch?

  Jonathon: Sure thing. Where and what time?

  Me: I’m in the mood for something greasy.

  Jonathon: Burgers and fries?

  Me: Sounds good. How about Outback? 11:30?

  Jonathon: Delish, I’ll be there.

  Me: c u then.

  I send a quick text to Sebastian letting him know the plans for the day.

  Me: Going to lunch with Jonathon after session with the Doc.

  Sebastian: Have fun. What time should I expect you back?

  Me: Between 1-2ish. We have to be at my mother’s by six.

  Sebastian: Great. Love you!

  Me: Love you too!

  I put my phone in my purse just as the secretary tells me its time to go back. I get up and walk through the doors of Dr. Krane’s office. It’s a very neutral looking room with a desk in the corner and two comfortable chairs in the middle of the room. It’s not a cliché looking therapist’s office like you see in the movies. There’s no sofa or chaise to lie on, where you divulge your secrets. We sit in the chairs when we talk.

  “Mia, how wonderful to see you today. I was a little surprised when you asked to bump your appointment up.”

  I shake Dr. Krane’s hand and set my purse on the coat hanger along with my coat.

  “I know it’s last minute, but I thought it would be good to see you before the Christmas activities start. This is my first Christmas without Miles.”

  “I understand, Mia. Let’s sit and find out what’s bothering you.”

  We sit across from one another and Dr. Krane pulls out her pen and journal.

  “Okay, Mia. Before we talk the anxieties you have about today, let’s talk about a little of what we talked about last session. How have your nightmares been?” Dr. Krane asks me.

  I think on this for a second I haven’t had one since I saw her last but that was only two days ago. “I haven’t had any nightmares but I hardly call that a success. It’s only been two nights since I’ve seen you.”

  “What about your sleep patterns. How have you felt the past two days when you’ve woken up? Do you feel anxious, well rested, content or upset?”

  “I’ve actually gotten a really good night sleep the past two nights. Sebastian’s presence seems to help me relax and go to sleep. I was having the same themed nightmares, every night since I returned home a month and a half ago. In the past two weeks I’ve only had two. I know it is because of Sebastian”

  “Some people would consider two to be a high number.”

  “Yes, but when it could have been fourteen in two weeks, I consider the number to be low. Really, the two nightmares happened before Sebastian and I decided to work things out. Since I’ve agreed to try things again, I haven’t had any. I can’t explain it. I feel safer when I’m asleep next to Sebastian. I think it also helps that I’ve been talking to you.”

  “So you’re still sleeping with Sebastian every night? Did you take into consideration my suggestion that you separate yourself physically from him? Mia, in my opinion, you are too emotionally weak to continue the intense physical relationship you have with him. You are clinging on to him too fast. Following through with my suggestions is detrimental for your emotional state. I’m not saying you should stop seeing him, I’m saying you two need to spend a little less time together, especially at night.”

  I try and retain all the information she is telling me but I can’t listen to her when it comes to Sebastian. Maybe it isn’t the smartest thing for my emotional state but I know myself better than she does. I may have run before, but its clear to me now how much I need him.

  “I see what you’re saying but it’s a risk I have to take. I need Sebastian, in every way, shape, and form. I know if I were to put space between us my progress would back slide. You may not believe that but I do.”

  Dr. Krane nods her head as she writes something down in her journal.

  “Very well, let’s talk about tonight. Christmas Eve was a big family night for you and will probably spark many memories of you with your son. What kind of things would you do?”

  “We always had Christmas Eve at my mother’s house. We celebrate on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas day. We would have the biggest spread of southern cooking you could ask for and it would feed us for the next week. Miles would open his presents around ten. We never did the whole Santa Claus thing so that kind of made the gift giving more personal. Miles was always a very grateful kid with everything he received. We would start the festivities with fireworks. It was Charlie and Miles’s thing. Charlie would stock up all year and then him and Miles would let them off in the back yard, before all our extended family got there. It was their way of celebrating the birth of Christ. At least, that was the excuse they would give us every year before we watched a thirty-minute amateur firework show.

  “We would eat dinner and then the adults would drink and play card games while the kids would watch The Grinch. Around ten we would open presents. Before we handed the present we bought to the recipient of our gift, we would say something we were grateful for about that person. Every year, when I would give Miles his first gift, I would always say the same thing. Then I would come up with something unique and different for the rest of his gifts.

  “Charlie always gave Miles fishing and camping gear. I can’t express how much it meant to me that Charlie was in his life.” I pause for a second, remembering the huge smile on my son’s face when he would get new camping gear.

  “My mom would usually get Miles the big gift he requested that year along with a hand made blanket or quilt. The quilt would revolve around some of the activities that happened over that past year. Then after gifts, we would make hot chocolate and popcorn. We’d end the night eating our popcorn and watching It’s A Wonderful Life. Miles usually fell asleep before the end but it was our tradition.”

  Dr. Krane listens to me and smiles at
some of the happy memories.

  “You said you would always say the same thing to Miles every year when you handed him the first gift. What was that?”

  “I would say, ‘I am so thankful, that even though God knew I was not worthy of you, he gave me you anyway. You are the most precious gift I have ever been given and I’m thankful that you love me just as much as I love you.’ It may sound corny, but I meant every word of it.”

  Dr. Krane writes a little more down in her journal. “You know what I noticed from that? You put yourself down, even in telling your son why you’re thankful. It’s almost as if you put no worth on you and your life.”

  This is true and I’m not at all surprised that the doctor caught on to this.

  “I’m not worthy. I was an emotionally screwed up teenager with abandonment issues regarding my father. Then after the rape, I lost all self-worth. Even after all this, I was still blessed with the most perfect son. Take that however you want to but I meant what I told him.”

  For the first time in the four sessions I have had with Dr. Krane, I see pity for me in her eyes. That’s not something I want to see in the eyes of my therapist.

  “Here is my suggestion to you before our next session. Tonight, try to do one of the traditions you would do with Miles. I know this may be hard but I feel like this would be a good exercise for you. It might even help you in the grieving process. It doesn’t really matter which tradition you do, just as long as you do one. We’ll talk about what you chose, how it went, and how it made you feel on your next appointment.”

  We continue our session and Dr. Krane briefly touches upon each of the subjects we have talked about in the past. We talk about the absence of my father, Kyle, the fact that I blame myself for everything bad in my life, my relationship with my mother, and Sebastian. Before I know it, the hour is over and we are parting ways. I make an appointment to see her right after New Years to discuss how the holidays went.

  I get in my car and drive to Outback to meet Jonathon for lunch. I’m surprised when I pull up and see Jonathon and Sebastian standing right outside the front doors to the restaurant. I park my car, get out and walk over to see them.

  Jonathon leans in to kiss both of my cheeks, “ Hello, precious. I’m so glad you could join us.”

  I pinch his shoulder as I give him a gentle hug and move over to greet Sebastian. “Hi,” I say softly as I give him a tender, quick kiss.

  “Hi, beautiful. How are you feeling today? Do you want to sit down?”

  Even though I have been fine the past two weeks, Sebastian is stilled worried about me. He knows I haven’t taken this bed rest thing seriously. Sebastian has only given in to me moving around because we still have sex. If I can have sex with him, I should be cleared to do any other activity.

  “I feel great. What are you doing here?”

  “Jonathon called and invited me after he finished texting you. He thought it would be good for the three of us to hang out together and I agree.”

  I smile at him; glad he’ll get to know my one and only friend a little bit better.

  “Sounds great! I’m starving so lets go eat,” I say enthusiastically as I walk over to open the doors.

  “Actually we changed the plans a little. We’ll get in my car and go to the new destination,” Jonathon laughs as he pulls me in to the direction of his car.

  “ What… why… What’s wrong with Outback? The little one in my stomach is demanding food now,” I pout.

  I hear Sebastian speak behind me, “Maybe she’s right, Jonathon. We can eat here and then go miniature golfing.”

  “God you’re pussy whipped. She is playing the baby card to pull at your heartstrings. She can wait the fifteen-minute drive to the golf course. We can eat the cheap hotdogs and fries that they sell before we golf. We’ll actually probably be eating sooner there than we would here. It will take too much time to order and wait for them to make our food if we stay here. “

  I sulk a little more, “I suck at miniature golf. Couldn’t we do something where I actually have a fighting chance at winning?”

  Jonathon laughs loudly as Sebastian brings his arm up over my shoulder. His mouth lowers to my ear, “I promise, win or lose, you will receive a reward later tonight.”

  His husky voice spreads goose bumps up and down my body. I would jump him right now if Jonathon weren’t with us. I keep facing forward as if what he said didn’t just make me horny as hell, but the smile on my face gives me away. Sebastian gives me his trademark smirk as he opens the card door for me to get in. He goes to hop in the back seat with me when Jonathon stops him.

  “Oh, no. I will not look like your chauffer, with the two of you hauled in back, making sex eyes at each other while Sebastian gropes you and I’m in the front seat by myself. One of you is sitting shotgun.”

  Sebastian let’s out a slight noise of irritation as he kisses me briefly on the cheek. He gets out of the backseat to sit shotgun next to Jonathon. We pull out of the parking lot and start to make the fifteen-minute drive to the miniature golf course. The boys look excited to go mini-golf, but inwardly I am preparing my surrender to the giant clown mouth that will never allow my tiny pink golf ball to go through the hole.

  *****

  “Sebastian…” I can’t concentrate because Sebastian’s body is creating the perfect storm in mine. He’s grabbing me with one hand as his mouth is kissing and sucking on my neck. His other hand is rubbing perfect circles over my clit. I’m in ecstasy.

  We’re in the back seat of his rental car in the parking lot of Outback. Jonathon dropped us off a few minutes ago after Sebastian kicked both of our butts during two rounds of miniature golf.

  The minute Jonathon pulled away Sebastian was dragging me to his car, mumbling about how he wasn’t a saint and couldn’t wait until tonight to give me my reward. He gently pushed me into the back seat of the vehicle and followed right behind me, closing the door. I barely had time to process what was happening before Sebastian was on me, kissing me and telling me how much he missed me all morning.

  Now he has me incredibly hot. I’m ready to come at any moment. “We can’t do this… here,” I moan in weak protest.

  “You’re almost there, Honey. Let me make you come. This will be our desert from lunch. We owe ourselves desert, don’t you think?”

  I wasn’t listening to him anymore as my body shot over the edge and I came. Sebastian puts two fingers inside me so he can feel me pulse around him. I’m panting into his neck and slowly coming down from the high.

  “Best. Dessert. Ever.” I pant.

  His fingers slowly pull out of me and out of my pants. Sebastian brings them to his mouth and licks me off his fingers. “I couldn’t I agree more,” he says as he pulls his fingers out of his mouth.

  I moan at the visual.

  “Let’s go back to the hotel. I want to return the favor.”

  He looks down into my eyes. His body is still slightly hovering over mine. “I didn’t do that for reciprocation. I did that because I wanted to. I love to see you come undone for me.”

  I smile up at him, “I know. Did you ever think that I wanted to do it for the same reason? I love to see you in shock, “I guess I never thought about that. Let’s head back and get ready to go to your mother’s house. We don’t want to be late.”

  I pout a little more as I move my hand to rub gently against the erection Sebastian has been sporting since we got into the backseat of his car.

  “But I want you… now. We can be a few minutes late,” I say as my hand drifts up and starts to unbutton his pants.

  Sebastian let’s out a deep groan. “I want to, Honey, but we can’t. It’s getting late.” He moves to adjust himself but I move with him as I lower his zipper and reach my hand into his boxers in one quick movement. My hand starts to stroke up and down his length as Sebastian’s body starts to get incredibly harder in my palm.

  “You just don’t listen, do you,” he teases as he sits down on the back seat. He pulls me astride him so
my back is to the driver’s seat and his back is against the back seat. He lets out a moan as I start to pump him faster and lower my mouth to his.

  The kiss starts out intense and quickly becomes urgent. Sebastian lifts my shirt over my head as I struggle to get my jeans and thong off. What was meant to be a quick hand job in the back of the car has become a quick fuck. Sebastian lowers his pants so that his cock is completely free as I finally get my jeans off. I go to remove my thong but Sebastian grabs my hips and moves me over his erection.

  “No time,” he breathes out as his hand moves the material of my thong over. In one thrust he is inside me, filling me so deeply.

  I reunite my lips with his and kiss him passionately; His mouth is silencing the uncontrollable sounds coming from mine. He feels so good inside me. If I never had to leave his body, I would be the happiest person on the planet.

  It is quick, messy, uncomfortable and totally worth it. I can feel him get impossibly harder inside me as he pumps hard into my pussy. His body starts to tremble and I know it won’t be much longer before he is coming inside me.

  “I need to come. Are you almost there?” He asks desperately. I am almost there but I still need a minute. Sensing this, Sebastian brings his thumb to my clit and starts to rub. This is all I need to push over the edge and I come hard riding Sebastian’s cock. With one last thrust, I immediately feel Sebastian come inside me. I kiss his eyebrows, his forehead, his nose, his cheeks and every inch in-between. I want to soothe him with my lips from the intense orgasm he just had. When our breathing settles, I finally break eye contact with him and looked around. Just like in the movies, we have completely fogged up the windows. I can’t help the laugh that bursts from my lips at this realization.

  “What’s so funny?” Sebastian asks me as he starts to put my shirt back on me. He is still inside me. Part of me hopes it is because he doesn’t want to lose the contact between us. Just like I don’t.