“There’s no reason for you to be here,” he says, still staring out the window.
“But I believe there is.”
“What’s there to say? I don’t remember anything about us. So it’s better to put things into place to protect us both.”
“You really don’t know me, because if you did, you would know I don’t need protecting.”
“I meant what I said to Michael. I want a divorce.”
“You can have it.”
“What, just like that?” He turns to face me now. “No argument from the woman who’s meant to love me.”
“I am the woman who loves you. But sometimes you have to know when you’re beat. I believe you have to know when to give up on love and that time is now. I’m not the type of woman who will beg you to stay with me. It’s not my style.”
“So you’re prepared to give up, just like that?”
“Yes, some things aren’t worth fighting for. And you, Alexander Mathews, after what I’ve just heard, aren’t worth fighting for.”
“So, what’s it going to cost me to remove you and those babies you say are mine, from my life?” He spits the words at me.
He really is playing with fire.
“I don’t want your fucking money.”
“So what do you want?” he shouts back at me.
“I want you to remember.” I close my eyes and repeat over and over ‘please don’t cry.’ Opening my eyes I look at Alex. There’s still no familiar look in his eyes. No warm smile to meet me. I don’t know what I was expecting. I’ve not seen that look in three long weeks, and I don’t suppose I ever will again.
“If everything was as Michael says between us, surely I would remember. I think you and he are plotting against me.”
I laugh.
“Seriously your lifelong friend, who has been there for you, through all the stuff with Katherine, who has worked alongside you in business. Who your parents treat like a son. You think he’s plotting against you.”
“You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’m thinking.”
“I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours right now. But I can assure you I know you better than you know yourself, every last inch of you.”
You’re doing well, Libby, don’t let him drag you down.
“Can I tell you what I think?” he asks.
“Please do.”
“I think you are just like every other woman on the planet. You only want one thing, to tie me down. You think those babies are going to keep me with you.”
“How fucking dare you!” I shout. “Who the hell do you think you are?”
“Me, sweetheart. I’m Alex Mathews and I do what I want, when I want and no babies are going to keep me here or stop me.”
“You really are a prick!” I shout.
The room door flies open and Michael comes in.
“Guys, enough. You’re both giving everyone something to talk about. Libby, are you alright?”
“Is there any reason you would ask her that?” Alex turns on his friend.
“Well, seeing as it’s slipped your memory. Your wife here is eighteen weeks pregnant with twins and shouldn’t be getting stressed; even I know it’s not good for any of them. You, my friend, should remember the manners your mother brought you up with.”
Alex runs his hands through his hair in frustration. He paces the floor. Michael and I exchange glances. Part of me is hoping and praying he is remembering something. Even a small detail that would give me a glimmer of hope, something to cling to.
“I asked you a question, Libby. How much is it going to cost me to have you out my life?”
“Really, we’re back to this? I’ve already told you I don’t want nor do I need your money. Get your father to draw up whatever contract you want. I will sign it. But make sure there is something in it that states you stay away from my children. Because I don’t want you anywhere near them. I’m not some cheap whore you can pay off. You think your money will buy my silence. My silence will stay intact over our relationship, because I for one do not want anyone’s pity. You, Alex Mathews, can go back to whoever you like, no doubt some cheap tramp that you fuck when the notion takes you.” I turn on my heel and walk out the room, pleased with myself that I held it together.
“Libby, wait please.” Michael calls after me. I stop and wait. “I’m sorry it’s come to this.”
“Michael, this isn’t your fault. None of us are to blame. It’s just unfortunate. Look, I want some time to myself.”
“I will take you home.”
“No, Michael, stay with Kirsty tonight. If anyone asks, tell them what’s happened and that I will see or speak to them tomorrow. Tonight I don’t want to speak to anyone about him. At this moment I’m calm. But I do want to be on my own.”
“Ok. I will speak to you tomorrow then.” He kisses me on the cheek and I turn and walk away from him with a heavy heart.
I leave the hospital and for the first time in weeks my head feels clear. I know where I stand now. I know what I need to do, but am I going to be fit for the challenge that lies in front of me? I suppose only time will tell. Not sure I have it in me to be a single working mother.
It’s raining now, but I don’t head to my car, instead I decide to walk.
I WALK SLOWLY DOWN THE street, turning into my own. With each step I take, I step in another puddle. I swear the rain waited until the minute I left the hospital, and it hasn’t let up since. I’m taking a big dislike to the Scottish weather today, more than usual. I’m not even dressed for the weather, God my jacket doesn’t even have a hood. My hair is so wet it’s sticking to me. I have water running down my face that I have to wipe away every so often, so I can at least see where I’m walking.
I open the door to the flat, and for the first time in months I feel I have no purpose. I’m on auto-pilot and there’s nothing else I can do. I switched my phone off when I left Michael. I really couldn’t face anyone, not even Kirsty or Ethan. Michael said he would speak with them for me, I asked for some time on my own. Although I won’t really be on my own, Murphy and Joan are still here, but I’m sure that will only be for another few days. Michael’s going to stay on; someone needs to sort out business. I told him he could stay on here, it does make sense, and I have the room after all. He was more than happy to stay in a hotel near the casino, but I wasn’t taking no for an answer.
I kick my shoes off and hang my jacket over the banister and I stop. I hear hushed voices coming from the kitchen, but I don’t feel ready to face Murphy or Joan. I could really do with a long soak in the bath and a large glass of wine. But there’s no chance of wine with the babies. As I think of them, I feel the tears run down my face. The thought of having to do this on my own now terrifies me. I know I have my parents and Ethan for support and help, but it’s not the same. Then there’s the hotel; I will need to think about what I’m going to do with it. I will need to bring someone else in to help Kieran full time.
“Mrs. Mathews,” Joan calls. I suppose I should go and see her.
“Evening, Joan,” I say entering the kitchen. She stops what she’s doing and takes in the sight in front of her.
“Dear goodness, child, come here. Murphy, could you go and run a bath please.” Murphy leaves. “Where have you been? Everyone has been so worried about you.” She wraps her arms around me, but they’re not the arms I want holding me, comforting me. Although if they were Alex’s arms, I wouldn't need comforting because he would be here with me. “There, there let it out.”
I feel empty inside. I never thought I would feel like this. I was so strong when I saw him earlier.
“You’re soaked right through, we need to get you out those wet clothes. Why didn’t you call? Murphy would've come for you straight away.”
“I needed to be on my own,” I tell her, because I did. I walked for what seemed like hours in the pouring rain, hoping it would help.
“You have these two babies to think of as well, Mrs. Mathews.”
“Joan, please
don't call me that. I don’t care what you call me, but I don’t need to be reminded.”
“I understand. Come on I’ll help you upstairs.” Her expression is sympathetic.
I enter the bathroom, leaving Murphy and Joan whispering in my room. I know they’re both worried about me, but they shouldn’t be. I will be fine, what’s the saying, tough as old boots, yeah that’s me. I will have a few days of wallowing in my own self-pity, but then I will pull myself together and I’ll be fine. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I will believe it. I have to be, because I have my babies to think about, as everyone keeps pointing out to me. I strip from the wet clothes, peeling them from my skin. Joan is right; I should've came straight home. Thinking about it now, it was silly.
The bath is relaxing and warm. I hadn’t realised how cold I was until I stepped in the bath. I lie back and close my eyes, but all I hear are the words that broke my heart. My tears fall until there’s no more left to fall.
“Mrs. Math . . . Libby time to come out,” Joan calls through the door. “If you don’t, I’m coming in.”
“Joan, I’ll just be a minute,” I answer, because I know that woman means business. I dry and dress quickly, putting on a t-shirt and shorts.
I open the door and find Joan waiting for me.
“I’m just going to go to bed, Joan.”
“Libby, come downstairs with me and eat something, please. You need to keep your energy up.”
I nod because I don't need the hassle. I grab a jumper from a drawer, one of Alex’s. It’s funny, I still want to feel close to him, even though I will never be close to him again. It’s going to take time for me to get my head around recent events.
Joan guides me downstairs and into the living room. I sit on the couch and she puts the television on; I suppose she thinks it might help as a distraction.
“I have dinner ready or I can make you some sandwiches with a cup of tea.”
“Tea would be good,” I say
I flick through the channels and leave the news on even though I don’t plan on listening to it. I stare at the screen blankly.
“Libby, here’s some tea and a few sandwiches. Please try and eat.” She hands me the cup, and puts the plate on the table and walks away. “Murphy, I’m worried about her. I don’t think she’s strong enough at the moment. When you go back to the states, I want to stay here with her for a few weeks. I’ve grown very fond of that girl, and I can’t bear to see her in so much pain.”
“I agree with you. If I could stay with you, I would. I’m not looking forward to this journey. I know Michael is going to stay on and look after the business. Hopefully having you both around might help, or it may have the opposite effect and be a constant reminder of what she's lost.” I hear Murphy speak.
“She is going to have a constant reminder when the babies are born. I don’t think anything Michael or I do will make it any harder than it’s already going to be.”
“Let’s leave her in peace, you can check on her in a bit. I’m going to call Phil and Michael,” Murphy tells Joan.
I take a bite from the sandwiches, because Joan has gone to the trouble of making them for me, even though she probably knows I won’t eat them. Pushing the plate away, I hold the cup in both hands, taking small sips. It warms my insides, but only for the briefest of moments. I’m numb. Totally numb. I’m shivering, it’s so cold. I wrap the fleece throw around me, hoping it will keep me warm, but I’m not sure I really am cold. I just feel empty and strange.
I put my empty cup down on the table. He told me we would always be together, and now here I am facing a future that doesn't include him. He made me promises. I suddenly realise how empty the flat is without him. The flat is not the only thing that’s empty, as I feel the emptiness within my heart.
I pull my feet up on the couch and wrap my arms around my legs. I feel myself rocking back and forth, but it’s no comfort. I’m not sure how long I sit here rocking and just staring into space. Joan never ventures too far away from me; I can hear her in the kitchen. Don’t know what she’s doing, but I know she is trying to give me space, but also stay close enough in case I break down.
Closing my eyes, I offer a silent prayer to God. Please let me be strong enough to get through these times, even if it’s only for my unborn children. They need a mother that is strong. I’m in no state to make any decisions tonight about my future, but I do know they need to be made. Richard has made it clear, all building work for the house will still go ahead. Not that I plan on moving there when it’s complete. It was meant to be our home, not just mine. My conversation with Richard surprised me, but I’m sure he was trying to help. I could see that Sarah is finding the whole situation as upsetting as I am. We will talk before she goes home, of that I’m sure. At the end of the day, I’m still carrying her grandchildren and I know she won’t turn her back on them.
I feel tired now, maybe I should try and sleep. Even though I know I’m bound to dream of him. I change my position on the couch and when I do, I feel it, the first proper movements of my babies. For the last few weeks, I’ve felt tiny fluttering movements, but this time it’s strong and lots of them.
I smile to myself, rubbing my expanding bump. Their first movements and no one to share it with. My tears flow and I can’t control them. Breaking my heart.
I feel Joan sit beside me; she scoops her arms around me, placing my head in her lap. And I cry.
“Oh Libby, everything will be okay.”
“H, how can it be? I’ve just felt the babies’ first proper kicks and there’s no one to share it with. I don’t know if I can do this on my own.”
“There, there.” She sits stroking the side of my face, and my heavy eyes close. It will only be a matter of time before I fall into, what will no doubt be a troublesome sleep. “Murphy, I know she wants to be left alone, but I think maybe Ethan should come here tomorrow, or Jane. They must all be distraught with the situation as well, but they need to know how bad she is. She’s going to need a lot of support to get her through this.”
Sleep claims me and I don’t hear another word that is said between the two.
IT’S DAY TWO AFTER COMING home alone, and the only time I’ve moved from the couch is to go to the toilet. My family has been here constantly, but I’m not ready to move on yet, I don't want to. Because the minute I do, it means the last few months have all been worthless. I sent them all away a few hours ago. There’s nothing any of them can do.
Well there is one thing my dad is managing to do and do really well. So far he’s managed to keep the story from the media, and for that I’m grateful. But I know it’s only a matter of time, before I need to release a press statement.
My mother called the doctor out. I think she had hoped the doctor would give me something to help me sleep. But with the babies, the doctor was reluctant to give me any medication. He left saying he would call on me again in a few days, but if anything else changed to contact him straight away.
Ethan was here with Lucy, but didn’t stay very long. I managed to put on a face, if only for Lucy’s benefit. I asked Ethan where was Sophie, and he told me she couldn’t face me yet. That’s understandable, but I don’t want her to be a stranger with me. I miss her smiley face and her friendship.
Joan is trying to ensure I eat at the request of the doctor. He did say if I didn’t start eating soon, I would need to go into the hospital. So for that reason alone, I’m trying to do the right thing for my babies. I’ve managed to eat some of Joan’s homemade soup, but that’s all. Murphy hasn’t been around much the last few days, I expect he must be busy with Michael and Alex. Michael is going between the casino and the club and also trying to coordinate the building work for what is meant to be my home at the hotel.
I hear the intercom buzz, but I don’t bother getting up. I don’t want to see anyone else. I stay on the couch pulling the cover around me.
“Thanks, Joan,” Kirsty calls. Shit, I didn’t expect her, she’s meant to be working. “Has she even moved
today?”
“Briefly, Kirsty,” Joan tells her as both woman hover around the living room.
“Right you, Time to get up,” Kirsty says pulling the cover from me. “When was the last time you washed?”
“Kirsty, I appreciate your concern, but I want to be left alone. So why don’t you go away.”
“You, lady.” Kirsty’s voice is raised, telling me she’s not going anywhere. “You are going for a shower, even if I have to come in with you and bloody wash you. Now that hair needs to be sorted, it’s matted. It really isn’t a good look you’ve got going on just now. Please let me get you cleaned up?” I nod, because I know she won’t give up on me. “Joan, can you rustle up something, fattening, comfort food, to eat?”
“Of course I can.” Joan smiles, before scurrying away into the kitchen.
Kirsty helps me up from the couch, but I fall back down on it. I’m too weak. “You stupid, stupid girl. It’s not just you this is affecting. Time to get your act together.”
I try again, this time Kirsty keeps hold of me and we walk at a snail’s pace up the stairs. I bet she’s now wishing she hadn’t bothered because of how long it takes us to get to my bedroom. She leaves me standing in the room as she goes and starts running the shower. I suppose deep down it was bound to happen sooner or later, Kirsty basically kicking my ass.
“Right strip and in that shower.”
“Okay.” Everything is done in slow motion. She helps me get out my clothes and keeps hold of my hand as I step in the shower.
“I’m staying in here. I want to make sure you wash.”
“I will. I promise. You can wait in the bedroom.”
“Nope, because if you don’t do your hair, I will join you and bloody wash it. Now move it, because after we’ve had something to eat I’m taking you out.”
“You know I’m sure there is someone who would pay good money to see me and you in a shower together,” I say with a slow smile.
“There’s my girl. Will you be alright? I need to make a phone call,” she says. I tell her I will.
I wash my hair first and leave the conditioner in while I wash the rest of me. Kirsty was right, my hair is a big mass of knots. The shower is refreshing, not as hot as I would usually take, and even the babies seem to agree, as I feel them moving.
He's Captured My Soul (Captured Series Book 3) Page 29