by R. L. Naquin
I was almost proud of that. If I was going to screw up, at least I did it better than anybody else. Finally, I was good at something.
Polly tapped a stack of papers against her desk and glanced at the top sheet. “There were, however, extenuating circumstances, and that was taken into account.”
I relaxed a little. Maybe they’d let me off with time served.
“Audrey has been reprimanded, and a mark has gone into her record for the part she played in all this.”
I nodded. “Don’t be too mad at her. She didn’t know all the other stuff that was going on. She apologized.”
“I am aware of that. She’ll be fine.” She consulted her paperwork again. “Jeremy, on the other hand, has been transferred to janitorial. For the remainder of his contract, he’ll be cleaning toilets. We went over the security vids, and the changes to your paperwork and the erasure of you handbook were his doing.”
My eyes widened. “It was Jeremy?” I frowned. “It’s because of Phoebe, right? Because I was her client, and I failed.” I still felt guilty for that. Because I was such a screw up, some other Muse lost her job.
Polly leaned forward, her expression intense. “Wynter, Fate doesn’t send my Muses to the same client more than once unless it’s an ongoing project. I’ve never seen someone get a Muse for three different projects—especially not the same Muse. Be careful. The Fates have been watching you closely since long before you came here, and they seem to have made you their special project.”
A shiver ran up my back. “I’m nobody. Why would they mess with me like that?”
She shook her head. “I have no idea.” She cleared her throat. “In addition, you’ll be happy to know that, while we were viewing the security vids to catch Jeremy, we observed Dave’s behavior. Because he’s a descendent of Aphrodite, he’s been given several chances. He’s been…removed.”
I didn’t say anything. Nothing I could say would be appropriate—certainly not punching the air and yelling “Woohoo!”
“Your boyfriend has been dealt with by his own department. I’ve been assured that he will be quite uncomfortable in his new environment, though they wouldn’t tell me where he’s been transferred.”
I felt a twinge of guilt for getting him into trouble after breaking his heart. I didn’t owe him any guilt but still felt bad. But maybe only a little bad.
“Which brings us to you, my rule breaker.”
My stomach clenched.
Polly stared at me across the desk. “Is it true that, even during suspension, you continued to break the rules and assist your clients in person, even going so far as to convince them to help each other?”
I lifted my chin. That was something I would not feel guilty about. “Yes. And all three of them finished their projects. Before the deadlines.” Admittedly, Mark had cut it close, but the deadline was tomorrow morning, so he was early, too. I met her gaze with a steady stare.
Polly sighed. “I told you they weren’t your concern. Why would you risk what little chance you had left for your future by breaking more rules?”
I chose my words carefully. “Polly, those people had dreams. And their dreams affected other people’s dreams, too. Alex, with his toothpick sculpture, made his mother happy by building the house she loves. Even if he doesn’t win the competition, it’s brought him closer to his mother. Missy’s parents will be so happy with her scrapbook. Missy knows she made something wonderful with her own hands for people she loves, and Gabe is proud of his wife.”
I paused, gathering my thoughts. “Mark built something so breathtaking, it will change his life by boosting his self-confidence and bringing in better projects in the future. And that little girl will have the joy of seeing her new backyard and then playing there with her friends. And if she doesn’t survive her illness, her parents will have the comfort of knowing they gave her those wonderful memories. That’s why I couldn’t just walk away. These projects were too important to let them go. If that meant breaking rules to get it done, then I don’t care. I was the best damn Muse I could be.”
Polly was so silent, I almost expected her to start a slow clap.
Finally, she sighed and nodded her head. “Good. That’s what I wanted to hear. I made the right choice, then.” She shuffled the papers on her desk, then handed me a page. “You’ll be reporting to the Underworld by 8:00 PM tonight.”
“What?” I was stunned. “I thought…” I stared at the paper in my hand, tears making it difficult to read. All I could make out was the same flaming gate icon I’d seen on Hal’s paperwork.
Polly held up her hand to stop me. “Despite your extenuating circumstances, rules are rules. You’re still being sent to the Underworld to work off your sentence.” Her expression softened. “But you won’t be going through the staffing office. This is a special assignment. It’s a six-week residency assignment, and you’ll be filling in for someone on maternity leave. Then you’ll return here with a clean slate.”
“Oh.” I smoothed my fingers over the paperwork. “Personal assistant to the CEO of Underworld LLC. Okay. What’s that mean exactly? Wait. Residency assignment?”
“It’s exactly what it looks like. You’ll be assisting Hades.”
“Hades the guy?”
“God. He’s a god, Wynter. So, remember to be respectful.” She rose from her desk. “Go home. Say your goodbyes. Pack a suitcase.” She handed me another sheet. “Here’s a packing list. They’ll provide you with a uniform, but you’ll want something for your days off. Be back in the lobby before eight, and someone will be there to escort you.”
I sat there staring blindly at the instructions, not processing what was going on. Polly took my elbow to get me to stand and walk out the door.
“Don’t worry about packing up your desk. You’ll be back soon enough. Safe journey.” She closed the door behind me and left me standing in the hall confused, relieved, and terrified all at once.
~*~
I stood in the lobby, shaking like a leaf, one hand clutching the handle of my suitcase, and the other wrapped tightly around a potted philodendron. A duffel bag containing my pillow and my newly finished quilt was slung over my shoulder.
“It’s going to be alright, Wynter.”
“But my car—”
“Syd is going to watch it for you.”
“Mom. What if Mom gets into trouble?”
“Shhh.” Phyllis stroked my hand with a low-hanging branch. “Your Mom’s going to be fine. And Mark’s going to take care of your apartment. Don’t fret so much. This is a grand adventure!”
My knees were shaking so much I was getting nauseated. I dropped into a chair in the waiting area. Few people walked by at that hour. “We’re going to the Underworld to work for the boss. That’s not an adventure. That’s hell.”
“Don’t say that word. They hate when you call it hell.”
I wondered how far I’d have to run before they couldn’t find me. I wondered if everything smelled like sulfur down there. I wondered if the boss dude would have a maniacal laugh and make me torture people.
I wondered if I had time to run to the bathroom to be sick.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I jumped.
“Wynter?”
I turned and found Hal standing behind me, his familiar face split in a grin.
“Oh. Hi, Hal.” I patted the seat next me for him to sit. “You won’t believe what happened to me.”
He grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. “I know exactly what happened to you, and I’m really excited.” He took my suitcase and duffel bag, then led me to the elevators. “We’ll get to hang out more, now.”
“Wait, they sent you?”
Phyllis chuckled. “Of course they did. He’s a ferryman, isn’t he? That makes him part of the Travel and Welcome crew.”
I looked at Hal for confirmation. He nodded and inserted a keycard into a slot on a panel inside the elevator. The doors closed and we went down.
Hal put his arm around me and gave
me a hug. “Don’t look so worried. It’s not so bad down there. Especially when you’ve got a friend to show you around.”
I held my breath as the doors opened for my first look at the Underworld.
I could stay out of trouble for six weeks, right?
Sure I could.
###
“Undercover Gorgon”
A Mount Olympus Employment Agency Short Story
At 12:01 AM on my twentieth birthday, I lost my humanity.
Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic, especially since I was never human to begin with. I’d thought I was human. Clearly, I was not.
I didn’t notice at first. I sat on the foot of my bed, drying my hair with a towel and watching Kathryn Hepburn toss a withering look at Humphrey Bogart as they drifted down the Amazon. I glanced at the clock. One more minute of being a teenager. I tried to think of something immature to do in my final seconds of pre-adulthood.
I couldn’t think of a damn thing.
I’d never been a very good teenager anyway. I didn’t drink or smoke, slam doors, sneak out at night, or moon over boys. Twenty wasn’t likely to be much different from any other age. I’d still go to class on Monday, I’d still be working a shitty job at a drug store, and I’d still be living in my old bedroom in my parents’ house.
At least, that was my thought at midnight. At 12:01, everything changed.
I gave my hair a last rub, then dropped the towel on the foot of the bed. My wet hair hung to my shoulders in heavy strands. Once it dried, it would lighten to a dishwater, nothing color, which went well with my eye-colored eyes and my pallid skin. Not a looker, as Bogie might have said. I wasn’t ugly, exactly, but I wasn’t noticeable—which was fine with me. I didn’t care if anybody noticed me. Most people pretty much irritated me anyway.
Shadows moved on the wall in the flickering light of the television. My hair brushed my bare shoulder, and I scratched where it tickled.
My hair licked my finger.
I froze and peered at my hand where it hovered over my skin. A thin, emerald snake slid over my knuckles and flicked its tongue. I frowned and glanced at the terrarium across the room.
“Daphne, how did you get out?” I let the little grass snake weave between my fingers and headed toward the habitat I kept for her. “The lid is still closed. Did you slip out when I fed you?” I lifted the hinged door and tried to place her inside.
Several things occurred at once. First, I spotted Daphne already tucked in a corner behind an artificial rock. Second, the snake in my hand wouldn’t come loose from my head. And third, several more snakes slithered across my hand.
Had I been a typical human, I might have lost my shit. But I’d loved snakes since I was a little girl, and I was studying to get a degree in herpetology. I was all about the snakes, reptiles, and amphibians. So, yes, I had a buttload of snakes crawling on me, but my initial reaction was that Daphne had somehow managed to lay a clutch of eggs when I wasn’t looking.
“Okay, kiddies. You’ve had your fun. Time to get in bed with Mom. My parents will freak if you’re running around the house.” I took careful hold of several at once and gave a gentle tug to disengage them from my person.
They wouldn’t come lose. In fact, I felt the tug all the way to my scalp.
With my left hand, I held out a snake, and followed it with my right hand to its origin. My fingers prodded the base. It appeared to be attached to my head. This was, of course, stupid. Snakes couldn’t grow out of my head, even in the weirdest of Internet urban legends. Still, my entire head squirmed with them and, as many heads as I found, I could find no tails.
My heart raced and my mouth went dry. This was the worst nightmare I’d ever had—way worse than the dream about the rabid squirrel with the eye patch and the tiny hooked paw.
“Okay. Breathe. Wake up, Patrice. Just a bad dream. Wake up.” I hit the light switch in an effort to get a better look in the mirror by my bedroom door. Pain raced through my head like someone had shot me through both eyes with a Daisy Red Ryder BB gun. I covered them with one hand and slapped at the light switch with the other until I got lucky and flipped the lights off.
Dream or not, the pain had been real. The snakes attached to my head squirmed and writhed in agitation, as if they, too, had felt the stabbing pain. I threw my bedroom door open and ran out in my cotton nightgown, yelling for my parents.
I was halfway down the hall when they heard me. Their light flashed on and I spun around, shielding my eyes. “Turn off the light! Turn it off!”
The light went out and my parents stepped into the hall, the low light of my television giving us enough to see each other. I rose and stared at them, waiting to see if they saw what I thought I’d felt—hundreds of snakes growing from my head.
I expected either bewilderment at my odd behavior or horror at what they saw. They gave me neither. I certainly hadn’t expect an apology.
Dad took a step toward me. “Sweetheart, I can explain.”
Mom gave me a watery-eyed smile. “I am so sorry, honey.”
I frowned. “Sorry? I have snakes on my head. How is that something you did?”
Mom glanced at Dad and back at me. “It’s not exactly something I did, but it did come from me.”
The snakes settled over me, curling around each other and laying still.
I gave a nervous laugh. “What? You planted snake seeds in my scalp?”
I was still going with the idea that this was a terrible nightmare. Even worse than the one about the blood-filled water balloon fight with Christopher Walken.
She shook her head and walked toward me. “It’s a recessive gene. Somewhere in my family, way back, we’re related to gorgons.”
I snorted. “What are you saying? Medusa is my great-grandmother?”
“Something like that.” She took my hand. “Come sit down.”
In a daze, I followed my parents into their room. Dad turned on the bathroom light and closed the door enough to shield my eyes from the light, yet give us enough to see each other.
A terrible thought occurred to me, and I squeezed my eyes shut. “Don’t look at me! I might turn you to stone if you look me in the eyes.”
Dad patted me on the arm. “You wouldn’t do that to us. We trust you. Just don’t look straight at us.”
This was insane. I noted, as if from a far off, detached sort of way, that in the more natural bathroom light, my skin was a sort of translucent, sea-foam green. It was kind of pretty.
“I don’t understand.” I twisted my arm in the light to see the color better. “Why am I only seeing this now?”
Mom and Dad glanced at each other again, then Dad looked down at his hands. “We were contacted when your mother was pregnant. The situation was explained that you wouldn’t appear human. They gave us a choice between giving you up to be raised as a gorgon in a foster home for mythological creatures, or raise you ourselves with you having no knowledge of what you really were.”
I pointed at my head. “But I didn’t look like this.”
Mom brightened. “The man who originally contacted us sold us Deity Springs Stealth Insurance for you. It disguised you so well, no one would ever know. Including you.”
I scowled. “You bought me a disguise that was mousy and unattractive? Thanks a lot.” I shook my head and the snakes hissed in objection to the movement. “So, why am I seeing this now? What changed?”
Dad took a deep breath. “Your insurance lapsed. We can’t legally cover you anymore.”
~*~
The next few days were pretty rough. The light sensitivity was an easy fix. Sunglasses did the trick, and it kept me from turning anyone to stone by mistake. But no hat was big enough to cover all those snakes, and I wasn’t about to do a full-body spray tan every time I left the house.
So much for my degree in herpetology.
Dad called the stealth insurance company and got the runaround. Since my parents had let the insurance lapse instead of actually telling me what the hell was going on
so I could transfer it to my name, getting the insurance started again was enormously expensive. I didn’t have enough in my account, and neither did Mom and Dad.
I’d have to save up for months to have the money. The catch to that was I couldn’t go to work anymore, not without the insurance. People prefer to buy hand lotion, mints, and toilet paper from people who don’t have green skin and a head full of snakes. I had no choice. The life I’d been living was over. I’d have to go to wherever non-human folks lived and start over.
Oddly enough, I wasn’t too upset by that. Sure, I’d miss my parents. I couldn’t think of too many other things I would miss, though. And this might sound crazy, but once I got a good look at myself in the mirror, I was thrilled. Seriously. For the first time in my life, I was hot. Maybe not the kind of hot that would get a guy’s attention or make other women jealous, but that never mattered to me. I liked what I saw. The skin color. The snakes. The curve of my cheek and the fullness of my lips.
I was finally comfortable in my own skin—proud, even. Ironic that I couldn’t go out in public like that.
So, when Garmond Schumacher, the six-foot tall minotaur, showed up at my front door in a snazzy business suit, I was ready to leave with him before he’d finished his spiel.
The bull-headed man sat on my sofa and cleared his throat. “Temporary housing will be provided for you, and you’ll meet with a career consultant to find you a good match.” He braced his hands against his knees and gave me an earnest look with his large cow eyes. “I know this is all new and difficult. We’ll do everything we can to ease you—”
“I’ll go pack my suitcase.” I leaped from my chair. “How much stuff can I bring?”
He flicked an ear and blinked. “Pack a bag, and we’ll send for the rest once you’re settled.”
My parents gave him sheepish smiles.
“She’s been cooped up for a few days,” Mom said.
I ran up the stairs and tossed clothes into a suitcase as fast as I could pull them off hangers and scoop them out of the dresser. I threw my toothbrush, toothpaste, and shower gel into a toiletry bag and stopped. What else could I possibly need? Hair products were out. I’d never need those again. I never wore much makeup before, and now that I wanted to, nothing was appropriate for my new coloring.