Follow The Wind

by Janelle Taylor

  “What is that, Gran?” she asked, near panic.

  “Marry Mathew Cordell. He loves you, too. He’ll understand and agree.”

  “Marry Matt?” she said, looking shocked. “Tell him about my trouble?”

  “Soon words won’t be necessary. Think about the baby, nameless and a bastard, even if you claim you’re a widow. One day you’d have to lie to the child, too, or tell it the truth. Think of yourself, Jessie, shamed and ruined, alone and miserable, trying to raise a child without a father and away from your home. You don’t know where Navarro is, and it’s certain he won’t return. Speak to Matt. He’s a good man. He’s loved you for years. He’ll help; I’m sure of it.”

  “But it’s wrong to use him, Gran. I’d be too ashamed to confess the truth. Matt thinks I’m a wonderful person. He’ll be hurt and disappointed in me.”

  “Love is a strong and special gift, Jessie. It’s forgiving and understanding. Let Matt give it to you and the baby,” she urged.

  “What if he doesn’t want a soiled woman or to raise another man’s bastard child? What if he was so angry he left us, Gran? Who would run the ranch for us then? I can’t risk telling him and losing him.”

  “Don’t down yourself, Jessie. You made a mistake during a hard time. Matt would never think badly of you, and he would never run out on you. Don’t you realize he’ll guess what’s wrong when you desert the ranch? Isn’t it better for the truth to come from you, child? He’ll be hurt that you didn’t trust him. You’d be surprised what some men will do to get the woman they love.”

  Matt had spoken similar words that day at the Bar F. Did he love and want her enough to take on such a burden? Should she give him a chance to help her out of a terrible predicament? Would he understand and marry her? Or would the truth destroy her in his eyes and heart? If he agreed, what would he expect in return? He would know she loved Navarro and had slept with him. How could he deal with such torments, if he truly loved her? Yet, her grandmother was right and wise. She had to act fast. Navarro was lost forever. She must think only of the baby, her family and home, and the Lane reputation. She had to take this risk, and pray she and Gran had not misjudged the foreman’s feelings.

  “All right, Gran; I’ll talk to Matt tomorrow. If he refuses, but stays, we’ll leave next week. If he leaves, I’ll put Rusty in charge before we go.”

  Jessie and Matt rode to the scene of the range fire. Burned scrubs and trees had been cut and destroyed. Grass, wildflowers, and bushes were beginning to grow. Wind, rain, and cattle movements since that day in early June had scattered or trampled under the black surface. New greenery was taking hold. One had to look close to realize how much damage had been done.

  Jessie glanced around and said, “The land is almost healed, Matt.”

  “Your heart will be healed soon, too, Jessie. Your father will always be with you, but the pain will soften more every week.”

  Jessie realized he misread her sadness. She dismounted and dropped Ben’s reins to the ground. She walked to an unharmed tree and leaned her head against it. This task was harder than she had imagined, dreaded, it would be. She felt lonely and lost and and denied. She couldn’t help feeling angry and bitter about all that had happened. A deep.yearning for peace and safety chewed at her raw nerves and distraught mind. She needed someone to take away her pain. She wanted to be loved, held, kissed. She needed to feel special again. Could Matt fill those roles in her shattered life? Would he?

  Matt joined her, sensing he had mistaken her problem. More than natural grief was tormenting his love. He longed to comfort her, to bring back his old Jessie. His hands grasped her trembling arms and turned her to face him. He saw tears rolling down her cheeks and moisture shining on her thick lashes. He pulled her into his arms and murmured, “Don’t be sad, Jessie. You have me to take care of you and the ranch. What do you need so badly that hurts you this way?” Even as he asked his last question, he prayed her answer wouldn’t be Navarro.

  Jessie looked into his concerned gaze and more tears threatened to spill forth. She hated to hurt this unselfish man, but she was drawn to his tenderness and strength in her time of weakness. She was apprehensive about the challenges and responsibilities confronting her. She didn’t want to face such burdens and fears alone. She had been a rock for others for years; now she wanted and needed a supportive pillar. She needed a powerful and dependable shoulder to lean on, someone to help her through the hard times ahead. She was in the arms of the best man for those tasks. She prayed that the awful truth would not turn him against her.

  “I do need you so very much, Matt. You’ve always been nearby when I faltered. You’ve always been the one I could turn to for advice and loyalty and understanding. You know me better than anyone.”

  Aching to ease her anguish, Matt kissed her. His mouth was gentle, his kiss full of love and understanding, his arms protective and strong. The kiss was short, but filled with emotion.

  Jessie pressed her face against his chest and cried softly. Her hands circled his waist and she clung to him for comfort and strength. When Matt embraced her and rested his cheek against her hair, his kindness flowed out to her.

  He stroked her hair and coaxed, “Cry all you need, Jessie. Let all the suffering out. You’ve been strong for months for everyone else. I know how hard it’s been for you. I’ll do anything I can to lessen your pain and sadness.”

  Jessie looked up at him and said, “I wish you could, Matt. Nobody can help this time. I’m in bad trouble. I have to leave the ranch for a year or two. Will you take care of it while I’m gone? Gran and Tom are going with me.” Jessie thought it was best if she exposed her problem, then let Matt decide how to deal with any part he wanted to take in solving it. She couldn’t ask him to marry her; the suggestion had to be his. If he didn’t make it, neither would she.

  He was stunned by that news. “Leave? Why, Jessie?”

  “I can’t stay here, Matt. I’ll be ruined.”

  He wiped at her tears. “No, you won’t. I won’t let you get hurt. The ranch is doing fine. You’re doing fine. You’re strong and brave and smart.”

  “Not as much as you think, Matt, and I have to get away soon.”

  “Give it time, Jessie. You can’t run because you’re scared. You aren’t alone. I’m here. The boys are here. We won’t let you fail.”

  “That isn’t it, Matt.”

  He eyed her for a time, then asked, “Are you going to meet Navarro?”

  Jessie lowered her head in guilt and apprehension. She was moving slowly, to prevent as much shock and anguish as possible. “No. He’s gone; I don’t know where, but he won’t ever come back. But yes, it does have to do with him.”

  He was puzzled. “You can’t stay because Navarro and your father are gone? Leaving is no answer. We’ll handle whatever’s wrong.”

  “That isn’t it, either.” Jessie turned away from his confused gaze. “It’s me.”

  Matt was angry with himself for not realizing how much she had been suffering. He couldn’t let her leave in this vulnerable state and have her meet someone else who might take Navarro’s place. He had to be bold and persuasive to win her heart. First, he had to discover what was troubling his love. “What kind of bad trouble are you talking about, Jessie?”.

  Before she lost her courage, she confessed, “I’m…I’m pregnant, Matt.”

  “Pregnant?” he echoed in disbelief, that being the farthest idea from his mind.

  Jessie faced him and rushed on. “Please don’t think too badly of me. I had to tell you the truth because we’re so close and I trust you like family. I have to go away to have the baby. We’ll be ruined by disgrace if I stay and have it here. I don’t know when I’ll return. Will you look after the ranch until I do? Please. I can trust you and depend on you. I don’t want to sell it.”

  He was silent for a time as Jessie awaited his reaction and response. It seemed an eternity. If Matt loved her, this predicament had to be just as difficult for him. The hurt look in his somber b
rown eyes ripped into her soul. She wished she hadn’t done this terrible thing to him. How could he understand and accept such wanton wickedness in her? In shame and anguish, she murmured, “I’m sorry, Matt. I shouldn’t have told you. Please don’t hate me. I couldn’t bear to lose you, too. I’ll be gone soon, and you won’t have to look at me.”

  “Navarro’s?” he asked in a strained voice.

  “Yes.” She told him the same amended story she had told her grandmother. It was also best for Matt to think it had happened only once. “I’m sorry, Matt. You must be terribly disappointed in me. I can’t undo this mess, so I should leave before it’s discovered and the news spreads. It was wrong to burden you with such a terrible matter. I just felt so alone and confused.” She turned away again.

  Matt didn’t ask if she loved the drifter, as he knew she must to have made love with him. His anger at himself increased. If only he’d been there to fill her needs, she wouldn’t have fallen prey to Navarro’s wiles! But he was here now when her need was so great. “Leaving isn’t best for you, Jessie. Or the baby. Or the ranch.”

  When he pulled her around to face him, she reasoned, “I created this problem, so I have to solve it, Matt. What else can I do?”

  “Marry me,” he responded. “I’m the man you need. You can trust me.”

  Jessie had hoped and prayed he would say that but she had feared he wouldn’t, out of torment and bitterness. Her surprise showed more than her relief and joy. “But…”

  His voice and expression were firm as he said, “But nothing, Jessie. You don’t have much choice. This is where you need to be. I know you love him, and I know he loved you. Don’t look shocked. I’ve been reading the signs since he arrived. I prayed I was wrong, but knew I wasn’t. I was glad when he left and mad when he returned, because I was afraid he’d hurt you—and he has.”

  “It wasn’t all his fault, Matt. He didn’t trick me or assault me.”

  “But he pulled you to him, knowing he wasn’t going to stay here.”

  “It was a bad time in both our lives. We were weak and suffering. We needed something from each other. Was that so terrible, so wrong?”

  The pleading look in her blue eyes knotted his guts. Sunshine highlighted her auburn hair. Despite her flushed cheeks, her lovely face was pale. She needed so much from him, more than she realized at this dire time, and he was eager to help her. He dodged her last, loaded question. “If I had been more aware, this wouldn’t have happened. Are you sure he’s gone for good this time? He returned before, and things between you two were…even stronger than I realized.”

  Her honesty was apparent as she replied, “I’m sure. He’s in trouble with the law—a fugitive fleeing a noose is what he told me that last day. To survive, he had to go, Matt, and he can’t risk coming back. He’ll never know about the baby.”

  Matt finally understood, and he almost felt sorry for the desperado who had lost so much. Yet he was furious with Navarro for taking advantage of Jessie when the man knew their future was impossible. “I suspected something was wrong. I knew he didn’t want to leave, but I could tell he had to go. The sooner we get married, the better it’ll be. How about Tuesday?” Matt wanted his claim settled on Jessie before his rival could sneak a visit and change her mind about this solution or take her with him far away.

  Guilt chewed at Jessie. “I can’t do this to you, Matt. It isn’t fair to marry you under these conditions. I can’t strap you with another man’s burden.”

  “What wouldn’t be fair is for me to let you uproot yourself and your family when I’m the answer to your problem. You wouldn’t be strapping me down; I want to marry you. I love you, Jessica Lane; I have for years. I’ve waited too long to tell you. Become my wife, Jessie. I’ll love you and take care of you forever.”

  The admission touched Jessie. Matt’s clear gaze told her that every word was true. As he cupped her face with worktoughened hands and looked coaxingly into her misty eyes, his smile was reassuring and heartwarming. Yes, Mathew Cordell would make a lucky woman a perfect husband, and that woman could be her. She couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened between them if Matt had revealed his love long ago. “Why haven’t you said or done anything about your feelings for me?”

  “Fear,” he confessed, then sent her a wry grin.

  She laughed and said, “I’ve never known you to be afraid of anything or anyone. Fear of what, Matt?”

  “Rejection. Of causing a problem between us. When I came here at eighteen, I was running away from a busted love affair. I was going to marry a girl in Georgia, but she walked out the week of our wedding and married another man. I met Jed; we struck up a friendship, and I came to work for him. When I went back during the war, Sarah was there with her children. Her husband had been killed. She begged me to come back to her. I couldn’t; it was over for me. My home was here. When I returned, you were thirteen and I was twenty-four. I watched you grow over the years. I’ve seen you in every mood and in every situation. I could tell you saw me only as an uncle or older brother. I was scared to approach you like this. If I had, maybe Navarro wouldn’t have gotten to you. But things have a way of happening for the best. You’ve changed since knowing him, Jessie.”

  Matt’s perceptions and gentleness evoked even deeper respect and affection from her. “I know,” she concurred. “Before Navarro, I lived and worked as Jed’s son. He made me realize I was a woman. Not many men have treated me that way, Matt, and it wasn’t their fault. I was just one of the boys, not a female to be romanced.”

  Matt shook his head, causing shocks of brown hair to fall over one side of his forehead. His gaze seemed to sparkle with amusement at her mistake. For a time, the reason for their talk and his proposal vanished. Only the woman he loved and desired stood before him, toying with a loose button on his shirt. She was smiling at him with trust and affection in her eyes. “No female is more of a woman than you are, Jessie. You’re beautiful. Don’t ever doubt it again. Don’t you remember that night in San Antonio? Men couldn’t take their eyes off you, ’specially me. Every woman there was chewed up by envy.”

  “I must admit it turned my head a mite. I also recall how those women were eyeing my handsome escort. I was afraid one would steal you away.”

  “What would a fancy city lady want with an old cowpoke like me? I’ve lived in a saddle so long, I’m barely housebroken. Good thing you’re a skilled rider. This wrangler needs training bad.”

  They laughed, and more tension left them.

  Matt stroked her hair and waxed serious. “See, you can still smile and laugh. It sounds good to hear it again, Jessie.”

  His innocent remarks made her remember all that had saddened her, but she concealed her reaction. “You’re so good for me, Matt, so good to me. I don’t deserve such treatment, or a prize like you.”

  He grasped her hands and squeezed them. “That isn’t true.”

  “Yes, it is. Look what a mess I’ve made of things.”

  “Trust me, Jessie; your pain will heal, just like this land healed. I should know. Lordy, Sarah hurt me bad, but I learned to live and love again. You can, too.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you like she did, Matt. It’s too soon to…”

  “I know, but time passes every day. With Navarro gone and me here, I’ll have the advantage. You won’t be sorry, Jessie. I’ll make you a good husband. I’ll raise the baby as my own. I won’t make any demands on you. If you come to love me and want me, I’ll be here. But if we only stay close friends, I’ll settle for that.”

  “You shouldn’t have to settle for half a life, Matt. You’re too special.”

  “But that life will be with the woman I love, Jessie. It’s worth it to me. Besides, woman, you do love me. Not like I love you or hope you’ll love me one day, but you love me nonetheless. Maybe that little seed will sprout and flourish.”

  Jessie gazed at his sparkling brown eyes. He was a dreamer, too. He wanted her as much as she wanted Navarro. If he had gotten over his anguish i
n the past, perhaps she would get over hers at some future time. What better man to share her life and love, to take Navarro’s place? She could not help but return his appealing smile and catch his contagious mood. When his hand caressed her cheek and he entreated, “Marry me, Jessie,” she relented. “All right, Mr. Foreman, I’ll make you boss of the Box L Ranch and Lane family.”

  Matt whooped with joy. He lifted her around the waist and swung her around before kissing her. “I’ll go hire the preacher tomorrow. We can marry Tuesday.”

  “What will the hands say?” she fretted, her fingers interlocked behind his neck. She enjoyed the way his adoring gaze engulfed her, the joy and relief he had given her, and the way he tempted her to stay in his embrace and to kiss him.

  Matt savored the moment and the way Jessie was responding to him. Her behavior gave him hope about winning her love one day. “They’ll think I’m the damned luckiest man alive. Have you forgotten we were caught in the barn together with straw in our hair?” he teased, that memory arousing him further.

  “Everyone knows that was a trick,” she refuted.

  “What about all those nights we’ve been alone on the range? And what about our trip to San Antonio together? They’ll think we finally yielded to romance.”

  “What about my protruding belly in a few months?” she retorted too quickly.

  He saw her flush at the slip. He thought a minute, then said, “You’re two and a half months along. That’ll put our baby arriving first of March. We’ll be on the cattle drive when you start showing, Jessie. By the time we get back months later, nobody should suspect anything. Babies do come early. But even if they guessed the truth, the boys wouldn’t say anything; they’d think it’s mine. It will be mine.”