by Shelly Davis
***
I did the only thing I could think of to separate ourselves from Cade. I avoided him, ignored his texts, and managed not to crumble when he helped with pit practice. Cade called several times, tried to talk to me at the garage, and at the track over the weekend. I even saw his motorcycle in Bobby’s parking lot several times.
It was reported that Cade visited Dillon at daycare once. He dropped off a full set of Turner Racing diecast race cars to play with. The numbers fifty-five, sixty-five, and seventy-five cars quickly became Dillon’s favorite toys. He took them everywhere. Dillon said his friend Cade got them for him.
My eyes stared, unfocused at the wall of my motorhome a week and a half later. I just returned from another grueling day of race practice and avoiding Cade, and had just put Dillon down for bed. We had team meetings and other obligations that placed Cade and I in close proximity. He no longer tried to talk to me in the garage, but I caught him looking my way. It was impossible for me to know what he was thinking, his features provided no hints.
I wondered what would have happened if I would have reacted differently that night. What if I wouldn’t have freaked out when Dillon told Cade he loved him? I was jarred from my musings when my phone buzzed. My stomach felt like it fell through the floor when I read the text.
Harlan, it’s been over a week without a word. Please just talk to me, yell at me, do something. Tell me what I did wrong.
Once again, I pressed delete as my chest seized and a muffled sob escaped my throat. He didn’t know what he did wrong, and why would he? It’s not like I ever told him. Cade had no idea how much his caring for Dillon could harm Dillon and hurt me when he decided it wasn’t any fun dating a single mother. My life wasn’t mine. I had to put Dillon first, even if it killed me.
From that moment on, I resolved to forget about my budding feelings for Cade Hanson and focus on my son and my racing. Even when a bouquet of beautiful purple and pink irises and calla lilies showed up before the race with a note apologizing and asking me to call, I stuck to my guns. I couldn’t let him take my focus from what was important.
Chapter Twelve
Cade
After Dillon told me he loved me, I didn’t know what to do. Harlan’s face went through so many emotions in a matter of moments. First, there was love and acceptance, but then there was terror and fear. I didn’t know what to make of any of it, but I couldn’t just not respond to the little boy. Truth be told, I was truly starting to love him, how could I not? He was the most loving and sweet little boy.
Through dinner and my remaining time at her house, Harlan said very little to me, and responded to questions with only a few words. She never once made eye contact with me. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew I somehow fucked this all up. We’d had such a fun time together, and I went and screwed it up. I just wished she would talk to me and tell me what was wrong.
The silence remained. For weeks after I babysat Dillon, texts went unanswered, she avoided me at the garage, and would only respond with one word when I helped with pit practice. It was clear that she no longer wanted anything to do with me. I just didn’t understand why.
My last hope was the bouquet of flowers I sent, practically begging her to talk to me. I’d hoped she would respond in some way, but three days later, there was still nothing.
“What’s goin’ on with you lately?” Jake asked as I sat and moped in his kitchen one Wednesday afternoon. I would have to be close to her again tomorrow, and knowing she would ignore me was killing me.
“Nothin’. Where’s my dinner?”
“Well, since you haven’t told me what you want, you can sit there and starve until you tell me what the hell’s goin’ on. Toni’s worried, she’s called several times tellin’ me you aren’t actin’ right. Even Mom’s called to see what’s goin’ on with you. Now talk.”
Letting out a long, heavy sigh, I tried to figure out exactly what I was going to tell him. I couldn’t lie to him, Jake would never believe a lie. My twin knew me better than most anyone. “Harlan won’t talk to me. It’s been two weeks.”
“What the hell did you do?”
I sighed again. It sucked, we were just getting to know each other. “I honestly don’t know. I babysat for her when the ladies went shopping. She brought dinner when she got home. We were sitting down to dinner when her son, Dillon, told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say, so I told him I loved him too. He’s a cute kid, what’s not to love?”
“And she freaked?”
“She hasn’t spoken to me since.”
There was nothing more to say. We’d had a moment, before Dillon came into the kitchen. I desperately wanted to kiss her, but I refrained. Having her on that table, being so close to her, tested my willpower completely. And there was no doubt in my mind that she wanted me to kiss her, I could feel it.
“Have you called her?”
“Yeah, once or twice. I didn’t want to push too hard. I texted her, sent her flowers, but nothing more. She hasn’t responded to any of it. Even when we’re practicing the pit crews, she won’t say anything but a single word of acknowledgment for my instructions on the track. She does everything to keep her distance, and I’ve been trying to respect that. I just have no idea what I did to push her away.”
Jake stood there for a moment; he didn’t seem to know what to say. A feminine voice cut through the hustle and bustle of the busy kitchen. “You probably freaked her out,” Monique said. Our beautiful friend came to the chef’s table and sat across from me. She folded her long, gangly limbs elegantly into the chair and smiled at me. “Think about it, Cade. She hasn’t been with anyone since her son was born. And there you were, all handsome and attentive, telling her son that you loved him. She’s young, in a place in which she’s unfamiliar, and she’s alone. All she has is herself, grandfather, and her son. What if you eventually decided you didn’t want them? What if you eventually decided she wasn’t worth the effort? She probably thinks she’s protecting herself and son from potentially being hurt.”
“How do you know all this?” I asked. “Have you talked to her?”
Monique looked at Jake and me, gave an apologetic smile. “We’ve become friends.” She shrugged. “I ran into her at Bobby’s a couple times when she was picking up dinner after getting home from the garage.”
“And she unloaded all this on you?” I said, annoyance building in my gut. We were friends, Harlan and I, we were friends. Instead of talking to me, she just shut me out. Knowing all this, it should have been easy just to shove it down and decide she wasn’t worth all this effort. It should have been easy to turn my back and forget about her. It’s not like I couldn’t find someone else.
“It took a few outings, but eventually, she gave me enough information to figure out what was going on.”
Jake looked at me with a frown. “What’re you gonna do?”
“Just leave her alone, if that’s what she wants. Eventually, I’ll stop thinkin’ about her. I’ll just have to tell Lou that I can’t come to their practices when they’re working with Harlan. I’ll continue to work with the pit crew, just not her.”
The look on Monique’s face was murderous. She narrowed her eyes at me, scowling deeply. “Are you serious?” she practically shouted. “That’s it? She puts on the brakes, and you’re just going to give up?”
“Well, clearly that’s what she wants,” I snapped back. What the hell did she want me to do, beg?
“It’s not what she wants, Cade. That girl has never had anyone fight for her, ever. She’s been self-sufficient since her parents died. Her family tried to steal everything from her parents’ estate. They tried to take everything that belonged to her and her son. The father of her son didn’t even let her tell him about being pregnant, he just threw her and Dillon away. And you expect her to trust? Clearly you don’t care as much as I thought.”
“What the hell Moni,” I barked. “I just said I can’t stop thinkin’ about her, but she doesn’t want me. I’m gonna to respect
that. She deserves her decisions to be respected.” Knowing what her family put her through pissed me off. I could understand why she had trust issues, but was it enough for me to walk away? Or should I fight for her?
Jake glared at me. He spoke calmly but firmly. “You have never once cared for anyone like this, and you’re just gonna let it go? No way! You need to fight for her.”
Monique agreed. “Cade, you need to show her that you’re worth the risk, and let her know that you aren’t going anywhere.”
They were right, Harlan didn’t know me. She made a snap decision based on her past experiences, not on me. If I wanted a chance with her, I needed to show her I was worth the risk.
***
Two days later, I walked across the motorhome court at Charlotte Motor Speedway, determined to get Harlan to talk to me. I knew she was there, I heard her tell Lou she was going to rest before the next practice. I just hoped that what Monique said was right and Harlan wouldn’t make me leave.
The knock seemed to echo through the entire infield, as my knuckles met the steel door. Not a sound came from the other side. Maybe I was wrong, and she hadn’t come here to rest. Just as I was ready to turn away, the door swung open to reveal Harlan’s grandfather holding Dillon.
“Cade!” Dillon announced, trying to wiggle out of his grandfather’s grasp.
“Hey, Dil, what’s up buddy?” I put my hand up for a high five, which he returned by smacking my hand. His grandfather stood stoic, probably waiting for me to explain my presence. “Hello, sir. I’m Cade Hanson, I was wondering if Harlan was home and if I could speak to her for just a moment.”
“I know who you are,” he said with his deep southern drawl. “She’s laying down. Is there somethin’ I can help you with?”
“No, I just wanted to speak to her. I’ll try to catch up with her later. Thanks.” I turned to leave, when Dillon started to whine. I glanced back to see his grandfather consoling him while closing the door. That was that. Shut out.
Walking away, I was determined to ignore everything Monique and Jake said and move on with my original plan. I was done working with her during pit practice, Lou could handle his own driver. I’d stick to Fuller Enterprises, and only venture into her garage when I had to work with her pit crew.
“Cade!” Harlan’s beautiful accent shouted from behind me. The mid-May sunlight glinted off her auburn hair, making it glitter golden. She wore a fitted, plain white tee shirt and skin tight athletic shorts that hugged every muscle in her gorgeous thighs. My breath caught in my throat as my eyes soaked in every inch of her.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said when she got close enough.
“You didn’t. I was just trying to rest. Is there something you needed? Is everything okay in the garage? They don’t need me back down there, do they?”
“No. I just … I wanted to talk to you. Do you have a minute?” I wanted to stay right here and hash this out, but I also wanted her to get back inside before anyone else saw her gorgeous body.
“Yeah, I guess we should talk.” She paused for a moment. “Let me run in and get dressed. This is what I had on under my fire suit since it’s so hot. Just give me a minute.”
While I waited, I tried to figure out what was suddenly so different that she came out to get me. Why was she willing to finally talk to me? She returned just a few moments later, still wearing clothes that let you know it only got better underneath. She had no idea what she did to me.
We walked in silence for a few moments, toward a secluded picnic area with benches. No one was out milling around, so we were alone.
“Look,” she said once we sat for a few minutes. “I’m sorry about not talking to you and thank you for the flowers, they were beautiful.”
“You’re welcome, I’m glad you liked them.”
“I did, honestly. Like I said, I’m sorry for not talking to you, but …” She paused for a minute, seeming to gather her thoughts. “I know this is going to sound really bad, but I can’t do this. You’re a great man, and you’ve been a good friend, but I can’t let you get so close to Dillon. He’s a loving little boy, and if he becomes more attached to you and you leave—”
Leave? What the hell was she talking about. Immediately, my heart started to hammer, and the first traces of anger coursed through my gut. “Why would I leave? And it’s not just Dil that I want to be around. There’s something here, Harlan, and I think we should explore that.”
“I can’t. I can’t get invested in something that isn’t going to go anywhere. I’m a single mother, and I need to protect my son.” Harlan’s eyes were wide with worry.
“Isn’t going anywhere? What makes you think that we can’t go anywhere?” I tried to keep my voice down, but my annoyance built. I got that she was cautious, but I didn’t deserve her preconceived assumptions.
“It’s only been a few months, Cade. You barely know me, and I hardly know you. This just isn’t going to work, it’s a dead-end road for both of us. I can’t subject Dil to the eventual heartache. I won’t let someone break my son’s heart.” Her eyes started to glisten. She was getting more upset the more we talked.
“Or yours, I gather.” I knew it was a bit cruel, but that was the part she left out. She was afraid of getting her heart broken. Lowering and softening my voice, I continued. “We’re friends, Harlan. We enjoyed each other’s company. We’re getting to know each other, I don’t understand why you suddenly felt the need to throw that away.”
Moments of silence passed. She slumped in on herself. Her breathing heavy and shallow.
“Because he already loves you,” she finally whispered. “We’re just friends, so there are no guarantees. What happens when you meet someone, and she takes up your time. How am I supposed to explain that to my son? You are a superhero in his eyes. I can’t let him get hurt.”
“I have no intention of hurting either of you.” I stared at her, imploring her with my eyes. Please don’t throw this away.
“You can’t promise that.” Her voice was barely audible.
Moving closer, I placed my hand on her arm and smoothed it up to her shoulder. “You feel it too. I know you do. It’s not just me. Tell me you don’t feel it. I won’t say another thing, and I’ll walk away.
“I don’t know, Cade,” she sobbed quietly.
Something Monique said ran back through my mind. No one has ever fought for her. That was it, I needed to fight. I had to show her I was willing to fight for her. No one else had ever made her feel wanted or needed, other than Dillon. I had to show her that I was determined to have them in my life. They were my future, and I wasn’t letting it go.
“Go to dinner with me tonight,” I said after a few moments. “Just as friends, of course. We can take Dil if you want. Just let me take you to dinner. Let’s talk, and I’ll show you, I’m not going anywhere.”
Chapter Thirteen
Harlan
After the second practice of the day, I hurried back to the motorhome to get ready to go out with Cade. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. He’d guaranteed we were only going out as friends, but that saddened me a little. Part of me had hoped that he came to my motorhome earlier to declare his love, but that was silly. We barely knew each other; a declaration of love would have been ridiculous.
Quickly showering, I dressed in jeans and a three-quarter sleeve top. May in North Carolina could be warm, but I’d found that the evenings could still be cool. I readied myself as quickly as I could, so I could spend time with Dillon before bedtime. I’d arranged it, so Cade and I would leave right after I put Dil down for bed. My grandfather had been great with keeping him, but I hated to force him to chase my four-year-old around anymore than necessary.
“So, are you gonna explain why you’ve been avoidin’ that young man?” Grandpa asked as he settled on the couch next to me. Dillon was sleeping in his bed, and I was trying to prepare myself for what was to come.
“I just can’t set myself up for heartbreak, Grandpa. There is no way a guy like
Cade would be interested in something long term with a single mother. How long before he decides that playing house isn’t as fun as he thought it would be? How long before he realizes that Dil gets cranky and inconsolable at times.”
“You know, honey, you don’t like it when people make assumptions about you, why are you doing it to him?”
I stared at my grandfather, surprised that he was calling me out. He was right, and I knew it. “Cade can’t even make up his mind about what kind of career he wants, what makes you think he can make up his mind to stay in a relationship? I don’t want Dillon to get hurt.” I whispered, “I don’t want to get hurt.”
“There’s the issue right there,” he insisted. “You’re judging him because he’s done different things to get ahead. You said he owns a gym where he’s a personal trainer, the physical therapy goes right along with that.”
“And now he’s working on a pit crew.”
“Harlan, you should be the first to know that when an opportunity arises you have to take it. He’s good at what he does, why punish him for following his dreams? You’ve decided he isn’t worth the effort because you assume he’s gonna hurt you. Well, what if he doesn’t? What if he’s exactly the person you need in your life.” He paused for a moment, and I thought hard about what he said.
He continued. “You know, your mother didn’t want to give your father a chance. She came home, crying to your grandma asking similar questions. What kind of life could she have with a race car driver? How could it ever be serious? How could she compare to the hordes of women throwing themselves at him at every race? How could she live that life? She asked all the questions, but grandma asked the only question that mattered, can you live without him?” He looked me dead in the eyes. “Can you live without knowing if he’s worth it?”