I slowly backed out of the arcade and into the restaurant. I spun around in circles again, looking all over for him, but he wasn’t there. I turned around and flung the door open and ran down the steps. I took my flip-flops off and trudged through the scorching hot sand with an intense urgency and within a few minutes I came to a stop at the back of his parents’ house.
I had worried I wouldn’t recognize it after all this time. But looking at it now, it looked exactly the same as I remembered it. I ran a hand through my hair to smooth it down and casually walked around the house to the front door. I took a deep breath to slow my breathing then rang the doorbell, trying my hardest to act cool. After what seemed like forever, Mrs. Hayes opened the door. I couldn’t help but smile at her, with her graying brown hair pulled up in a bun and her delicate features as sharp as ever. Even her clothes were polished and neat, instead of the beach bum attire that was all the rage around here. She still looked like the same classy lady I met all those years ago, when I was over the moon for her son. I always thought she didn’t like me, not until I came back for the second summer here. That’s when I felt like she finally warmed up to me. She and I became pretty close after that.
“Nicole?” she asked once recognition set in.
“Hey, Mrs. Hayes. How are you?”
“Oh, my God, Nicole! It really is you!” Mrs. Hayes said, throwing the door open wider and pulling me in for the tightest hug. I continued to smile as she hugged me.
Is she crying? I thought. Concerned, I began to rub her back as she continued to cling to me. That’s when I felt the bones protruding out of her quivering flesh.
“Mrs. Hayes, is everything all right?” I asked her, worried.
She pulled away from me, wiping her wet red eyes with her hands. “It’s been hard, but I get by.” She waved her hand in the air, as if waving off the emotions. “My Lord, girl! It has been a long time!”
“I know, too long. I’ve been so busy with school and starting my career.” I took a deep breath. “That’s why I’ve come. I was wondering if you knew how I could get up with Jeremy. Does he still live here? I wanted to see him while I was in town.” Mrs. Hayes gasped and quickly put her hand to her mouth, causing my excited smile to fade. “What? What did I say?” I asked her with a puzzled look on my face.
“Honey, I thought you knew,” she whispered.
“Knew what?” I asked her, confused.
“Honey, Jeremy died.”
“What?” I asked, staring at her, totally bewildered now, as if she was speaking a completely different language that I just couldn’t comprehend.
“He killed himself,” she said sadly.
I continued to look at her dazed. “Killed himself? I don’t understand. He would never do that,” I said angrily. How could she tell such a horrific lie?
Mrs. Hayes began to cry again. “I’m so sorry! I thought you knew.”
I looked away and shook my head back and forth in shock. “When?” I managed to get out through the burning grit in my throat.
“The summer of 1999,” she whispered.
I jerked my head up and looked in her eyes and I saw the sorrow that lay beneath.
I grabbed a hold of the door frame to steady myself before my legs gave out on me. “This can’t be real. I saw him that summer,” I whispered. “I saw him that summer. Why would he do that? He was such a happy person. I remember his smile. He had such a beautiful smile. He was always smiling. Why would he do that?” I asked her, exasperated.
Mrs. Hayes put her arm around my shoulder. “Come inside. I’ll tell you all about it.”
Weak and overcome with shock, I let her guide me into the house. We sat on the couch side by side, the same dark blue couch I sat on with Jeremy many times before. She grabbed my hand and held it tight. I’m not sure if she did it for me or for herself.
“He wasn’t the same after the accident,” she said sadly.
“What accident,” I whispered, sounding as if it was someone else speaking.
Mrs. Hayes turned to look at me, but I couldn’t move, not to look at her or squeeze her hand back. All I could do was stare ahead at a framed picture of Jeremy on the wall, most likely a school picture. He looked to be about fifteen years old at the time. I knew because he had let the back of his naturally wavy hair grow out some for the first time that year.
“Jeremy, Mary, and Brandon were driving home from the movies a few months before he died. You know how they were, three peas in a pod. They got into an accident. He was driving and Mary was in the passenger side and Brandon was in the back seat. They didn’t see the other car broken down in the middle of the road, so they hit the car at full speed, fifty-five miles per hour. Their car was totaled, barely even recognizable. There was nothing he could do to avoid it, especially with his alcohol level. I won’t go into details, but both Mary and Brandon died instantly and Jeremy spent a week in the hospital.”
I flinched and stared at her, confused. “Alcohol level? Jeremy didn’t drink.”
Mrs. Hayes patted my knee. “He had us all fooled. I caught him intoxicated a few times and he always swore he had it under control. I didn’t even believe it after the toxicology report came back from the accident. But after he died, I found a few bottles in his room, some empty, some not so much.”
“How is that even possible? The only time I ever saw him drink was during the end of summer party. Wouldn’t I have known if he had a problem?”
Mrs. Hayes chuckled, not at me but at the absurdity of the situation. “Vodka. My boy was a smart one. You can’t smell vodka on the breath. But I assure you, he did not have it under control, not for a long time.”
I blinked as tears burned in my eyes. I finally averted my eyes from the picture of him on the wall to look at her. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. He never told me. I would have been here,” I whispered. “Why didn’t he tell me?”
“Awe, honey, we assumed you knew about all of it. I thought that’s why I never saw you again.” She looked from me to the picture of him on the wall, the same one I was staring at. “He blamed himself for what happened. I guess he just couldn’t live with the guilt, especially after what had happened to Tonya when he was younger.”
The name registered in my mind. “Tonya?”
“Tonya was his older sister. She was two years older than him.” Mrs. Hayes stared at me waiting to see the confusion, but when she didn’t see any, she said, “He told you?”
I nodded my head.
“I’m not that surprised he told you. The two of you were pretty close,” Mrs. Hayes said, staring off and smiling weakly as if seeing the then twelve-year-old Jeremy. “I knew if he would open up to anyone about her, it would be you. He never talked about her to anyone, not to his shrink, or me, or Mary, or even Brandon. You should feel special to know that he trusted you so much,” she said, brushing my hair back and tucking it behind my ear.
Speechless, I just nodded my head. I looked back up at the wall and noticed for the first time a framed picture of a beautiful blonde-haired girl who appeared to be about eleven or twelve. In passing, I would have just assumed it was Mary, but looking at it now I saw that it wasn’t. I knew Mary at that age and knew she had a few subtle differences. The Hayes’ were finally able to display pictures of all three of their beautiful children, all of whom were taken all too soon.
After a few minutes, I managed to speak again. “Did he leave a letter to explain why?”
“Yes. He left one for us, and one for you as well.”
The breath caught in my throat and my eyes grew wide.
“Would you like to read it?” she asked me.
His letter? I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Do I really want to read his last words to me? How horrific to think that they would be the last things he would ever say to me. I had disappointed him the last time I saw him, I know I had, but there was nothing I could do at the time. I was so busy. I gasped and my heart kicked in my chest. Was he disappointed in me when he died? Did he come to talk to me
about the accident? I sent him away because I was frustrated and didn’t have time to talk. Could I have prevented it?
I turned my blurry eyes to Mrs. Hayes and nodded. She stood up and reached her hand out to me. I looked at her hand, confused, unable to process anything.
“Come on, I’ll help you,” she said softly.
I nodded again and let her help me up. We walked hand in hand through the living room, past the dining room and kitchen, then down a long hallway. I had been in this house many times before and knew where she was taking me. Jeremy’s room. When she opened the door, I had to steady myself against the wall. It looked exactly the same way it did the last summer I was here. I braced myself against the wall and walked into the room. It even smelled like him, as if he were just here. I quietly looked around the room. His twin-sized bed was still a mess, clothes were lying in various areas on the floor, there was even an empty cup sitting on the nightstand. I half expected Mrs. Hayes to yell for Jeremy to come clean his room since he had company.
I looked past the mess and stared at the pictures positioned on different surfaces all over the room. Most were of me and him during our summers together, and others were of Brandon and Mary, but the one that caught my eye was the one on his nightstand beside the bed. It was the first picture I sent him during our first year apart. I blinked back tears and looked beside it at a framed picture of Jeremy, Brandon, and Mary. Mrs. Hayes was right. They were three peas in a pod. While staring at the smiling trio, a memory came to me from our first summer together. He and I were alone on the beach a few weeks before I left and he told me that his heart was breaking because he feared we wouldn’t make it. He had said that he felt like he was going to lose me and it was too much for him to bear, and the only people in the world that mattered to him were me, Mary, and Brandon. In one summer, he lost us all.
“Nicole?”
I turned around at the sound of my name to see Mrs. Hayes standing beside the tall dresser next to the door with a white envelope shaking in her hand. She held it out to me, but I didn’t move. I could only stare at it.
“How did he do it?” I asked quietly. “Did he suffer?”
She gave me a reassuring smile. “No, he didn’t. He took some sleeping pills and drifted off to sleep.” She nudged the envelope towards me. “I didn’t open it. I figured whatever he wanted to say to you was between you and him.” She looked at me sadly. “He asked us not to send it to you, though. I wanted to so badly and couldn’t understand why, but he said he knew you would come back one day. Then and only then was I to give it to you.”
I nodded my head in understanding and reached out my hand to take the letter from her and continued to stare at it.
“I’ll give you some privacy. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen.”
I silently nodded my head again. After she left, I looked around the room once again and walked over to his small bed and sat down. I picked up his pillow and hugged it tightly to my chest. I breathed in his scent deeply before lifting my head and looking at the envelope again. With the pillow still crushed to my chest, I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves, and with shaky hands, I opened the two-page letter.
I quickly put my hand to my mouth as I stared at the first page. It was the hand written lyrics to the most beautiful song I had ever heard. It was our song. Jeremy wasn’t the type to listen to this kind of music, R&B or rap, but he was the one that picked our song during our first summer together. Reading the words now, I can distinctly hear the song play in my mind as he sang it to me while we danced together close and slow on the beach.
The lyrics in my hands weren’t of that song. They were of one he wrote me during our second year apart. He was so dedicated to the song that he spent countless hours learning how to play the guitar so that he could perform it for me when I went back to him for the summer. There were so many emotions in him when he sang the song. It’s a sight I’ll never forget.
This is no Cinderella song. I’m no Prince Charming.
There’s not always a happily ever after, not in real life, not in my life.
A land far, far away is right here on earth with no dragons to slay or evil queen to defeat.
There’s just me drowning in a sea of my own misery.
Before there was you I was numb,
longing to feel the sunlight on my face.
Before there was you I was blind,
missing the sight of the moon, forgetting the beauty that lay within, lighting the way the
way to heaven where I belong.
The ocean was my bliss, waiting and wanting it to swallow me whole and take me home.
And then there was you and the clouds lifted to a sight unseen.
And then there was you and the sea calmed my soul.
And then there was you who made my heart whole.
And then there was you who made me feel.
And then there was you who made me live again.
I may never do anything big in this life.
I may never even leave this beach.
My biggest accomplishment may be meeting you.
I may never have a pricey degree or high paying job.
I may never be able to afford a huge house or fancy cars.
But I am rich as long as I have you.
Because of you I am whole again.
With you I feel loved.
With you is where I belong
and with you I live again.
I don’t recall when the tears began to fall, but my face was completely wet by the end of the song. I wiped my eyes and gently put the top page behind the second and stared at the next page through blurry eyes.
Dear Nicky,
It feels weird starting this letter like that, but whatever. I know if you are reading this, I have succeeded and I’m no longer around. For that I am so sorry. So much has happened in such a short amount of time and the demons that plague me won’t let me rest. Nicky, I’m so tired, physically and mentally. I’m tired of hurting. I don’t want to feel this anymore. Everyone that I have ever loved is gone. I was the one who was supposed to take care of my sisters. I was the brother, but both died because of me. I know it may sound strange, but I feel like they need me now more than ever.
I often think about that first summer we spent together. My love for you was instant. I think I knew it on that first day we met. Maybe even before that. I had always felt empty before you came into my life and you filled me up only to leave me empty again after you left at the end of every summer. It was so hard to handle and I think each time it took a little piece of me. I had promised you that I would love you forever and I have, and I always will. Even in death, that will never change. I swore when I went to your dorm tonight that if I could hold you in my arms and feel you again that everything would be better. I was convinced that our love would be strong enough to help me get past this. I put a lot on that one single moment, and it didn’t come. You were busy and you have a new life now. I understand that and I am so proud of you, but it hasn’t stopped what’s left of my heart from completely breaking. It was the final straw. I can’t take this pain I’ve been doomed to endure any longer. Nicky, I’m lost. I give up. I’m done. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s no one’s fault but my own. Just know that I love you more than you could ever know and I will be waiting for you on a beach in heaven after you live a long and happy life. Just look for the pier and I’ll be there. Until then, I will have to love you from afar. I will be watching you from heaven, so don’t let me down.
My love for you is forever. This I promise you.
Jeremy
I stared at the letter for what seemed like forever, lost in the last words he would ever write to me. How could I not know he was in such pain? My heart ached with such a ferocious pain, but I managed to force the tears to go away as I concealed my emotions as much as I could. I had to leave. I had to get out of this room that held so many memories and away from his mom to grieve on my own. I moved the now wet pillow and took a deep breath. I
folded the letter and put it back in its envelope then stood up on unsteady legs. I had to get out of there before I completely lost it. Without looking back, I walked out of the room. I met Mrs. Hayes in the kitchen. She was pretending to be busy, most likely waiting for me to come out, but she dropped her dishrag as soon as I came into view. I guess I looked pretty bad because she stopped suddenly and put her hand to her mouth as she stared at me. I was too speechless and numb to say anything, so I just bowed my head and walked through the back door off the kitchen and left the house with the letter pressed close to my chest.
The sky had grown darker and the wind had picked up, causing my weighted feet to feel even heavier, as if I was walking through quicksand, and at any minute, I would sink down and never get back up. I didn’t really remember the walk to my house, other than the sand. Not even passing my beloved pier, but before I knew it I was in the security of my family’s beach cottage.
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