Eighteen
I spent the rest of the week diligently, but happily, perfecting my little beach front cottage, working from one room to the other. By the end of the week it was finally done. I walked through the cottage, taking in the work I had done, in complete awe of the differences. I literally put my blood, sweat, and tears in the cottage that week. Every wall in the cottage was painted soft lavender gray and the doors and trim were brought to life with a fresh light coat of white with the excess paint wiped off to keep the effect of the rugged look. The only rooms that got a different color from the rest were the bathroom and kitchen, since white seemed more practical in those rooms. Even the old wooden cabinets in both the kitchen and bathroom got a facelift with bright white paint and the doors and drawers got the soothing lavender gray. I had no clue what I was going to do a week ago when I stood in front of those dozens of colored swabs at the hardware store, but Mrs. Hayes had picked the perfect colors for me. Even the beige furniture scattered throughout the cottage that had been here ever since my parents bought the place matched the new look with the help of a few multicolored earth-toned throw pillows. I was worried at first. But now this was my cottage was my home, and it was perfect.
I poured myself the last of the icy margarita mix that Dawn made before she left and walked out onto the back deck to enjoy the sunset, like I’d done every night this week. As I stood outside I was shocked to see how dark it was already. I did a double take, looking at my watch, wondering if I had seen wrong, but I hadn’t, it was just a little after seven. Just then a gust of sandy wind picked up and slammed into me, causing me to scream out in shock and pain, feeling as if tiny pieces of glass had wedged itself into my bare skin. I covered my face and walked back inside the house. I brushed the sand off onto the floor, thankful I had decided not to refinish the old scuffed up hardwood floors. With sand littered on the floor, I walked back into the living room. I hadn’t turned on the television since being here, so I had no clue what the weather was supposed to be like. I wasn’t even sure if the old television set worked. I turned it on to check it out and just as I did, a blue screen appeared, announcing that the satellite was out. I turned the television off and turned the even older radio beside it on, scrolling through the channels until I found a local channel and waited. I had the radio on all week listening to various types of music, but I was so preoccupied with my work on the cottage that I never really paid it a lot of attention, so if a weather alert went out I wouldn’t have known it.
As the light soulful music hummed in the air I walked over to the couch, put my glass on the coffee table, and laid down. I closed my eyes, feeling lulled by the soft music. All of a sudden, my eyes shot wide open when a loud screeching sound rang over the air waves.
Attention! Attention! Hurricane Isabel is traveling southeast of Carteret County with a wind speed of about 135 miles per hour. Those who have remained on the coast seek shelter immediately…
I sat up quickly and jumped to my feet, my heart pounding in my chest. “That’s me,” I said out loud and ran for the front window and looked out. I scanned the houses in front of mine and noticed the boards on the windows and the lack of vehicles in the driveway. I was so preoccupied this week I never even noticed that a hurricane was coming directly for me. I closed the wooden shutters as tight as I could and began to pace back and forth through the small living room as I tried to figure out what to do. Living in Florida, I’ve been through many hurricanes before and I knew how dangerous and catastrophic it could be to stay so close to the water, but there was always a window of opportunity to leave for dry land. Unfortunately, I think I missed mine. There was nothing I could do now but wait it out and pray it passed over my area with little to no damage.
I sat back down on the couch as still and rigid as I could, barely even breathing, ignoring the soothing music on the radio. Instead I listened to the gusty wind slam into my cottage. The minutes seemed to drag by, even though the sky outside was getting darker and darker by the second. Before long, thunder, lightning, rain, and hail danced in the sky.
CRACK!
My heart leaped in my chest and I jumped to my feet when the loudest thunder I had ever heard struck somewhere very close outside. I stood frozen, but just as my heart had begun to slow back to a normal pace the power blinked, and then went completely out, leaving the world around me utterly dark and eerie. I walked back to the big bay window and cracked one of the shutters open just barely enough to look out. Everything looked foreign. It was incredibly dark outside. I could hear the sharp sand beat against the glass, scratching and clawing at everything it hit. Every time lightning struck, I could see the few sparse trees that were out front nearly bent completely over in the strong wind, Mother Nature, strong, angry and completely in charge. I closed the shutter and turned around, wondering what I should do. Just as I was sitting back down on the couch another thunderous crack rang out, this one sounding much different from the one before. Before I could wonder any further, a massive tree limb plunged through my big bay window, the same one I had just been staring out of, and slammed into the wall on the opposite side of the room.
“Holy crap!” I exclaimed in shock, quickly covering my face to block the flying debris coming in through the broken glass, causing its own little tornado inside my cottage. I got up and ran to my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I leaned my back against the door. I could feel the pressure from the storm against my back, pushing against the barrier.
“Dear God, please help me!” I pleaded, looking up toward the ceiling with tears streaming down my face, as if seeing into heaven, but something caught my eye. I squinted as I looked up, and tilted my head as I stared up at the corner of the room. I mindlessly pushed off the door and took a step forward, never taking my eyes off the ceiling. I gasped and suddenly stopped. My heart felt like it fell out of my chest onto my bedroom floor once I realized what I was looking at. The old shingled roof was moving, shifting, lifting, and soon it would be completely off, exposing me to the angry storm outside. The storm was destroying my cottage and I no longer felt safe.
“Jeremy!”
I knew it was crazy but I couldn’t help but remember the night on the beach when I spoke to him. He was there, I knew he was. He held me and sheltered me and kept me warm. I had an unrelenting thought that being close to him would make me feel safe.
I took a deep breath and opened my door. Because of the continuous wind blowing through the broken living room window, I had to brace myself against the walls as I made my way to the kitchen. I turned the doorknob, but before I could even pull it open, the door swung in and crashed against the wall behind it, shattering the glass in the small window, blowing shards into the air. I bent my head and forced my body out of the cottage and into the night. I grabbed a hold of the railing on the back deck and pulled myself along the sides and down the steps. As soon my feet touched the sand, my bravery faded and I began to question if this was the right decision.
“Nicky?” I looked up and around at the sound of my name.
“Hello?” I yelled into the screaming wind. “Is someone out here?”
“Nicky?”
I looked toward the fierce ocean, its proximity so much closer to my back steps than I’ve ever seen before. “Jeremy?” I paused in surprise. “Jeremy, I’m coming.”
I bent my head and dug my feet into the sand as I made my way along the beach. Sand and water slammed into me painfully, but I didn’t stop. I had to get to Jeremy. If someone saw me they would think I was completely insane walking the beach during a hurricane of this magnitude, and maybe I was, but I didn’t care. Only he could make me safe. As lightning lit up the dark sky, I could see the pier getting closer and closer. With the pier merely a few feet away, I stretched my arms out and leaned in against the wind as hard as I could. My fingertips scraped the wet wooden exterior of a piling but the wind gusted and slammed around, pushing me toward the shore. Before it could completely lift me up and drag me into the water, I lunged forward and
wrapped my arms around the round piling, locking my fingers together and clinging to it for dear life.
In a panic, I thought, Oh, my God! What am I going to do? “Jeremy, help me!” I yelled. My wet hands began to slip apart. “Jeremy, I can’t hold on much longer.” Slowly my hands continued to slip apart. I dug my finger nails into the soft wood, but they wouldn’t hold either.
“Jeremy!”
I closed my eyes, afraid to see what was going to happen. I could feel my body being thrown around until it was plunged into the angry, frigid ocean. I threw my arms out wildly and gasped for breath, but instead I got a mouth full of salty water every time. My lungs burned and struggled for air, but the current kept pulling me under. My eyes stung and my lungs were filling with sea water. In the darkness of the abyss, I saw something moving toward me. My eyes were on fire, but I kept watching the object. I sucked in a mouth full of water, squeezing out what was left of my air, as the object got closer.
Tonya? I thought.
I stretched my hand out in front of me to touch what looked like a pale hand reaching out to me. A calm washed over me, replacing the pain and fear and panic as our hands touched and locked together. I pried my eyes from our intertwined hands and stared into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen.
Staring back at me wasn’t Tonya, but Jeremy.
As shock swept over me, he did something I’d missed more than anything and feared I’d never see again. He smiled a perfect smile. He came closer, within inches, and wrapped his pale arm around my waist. I could feel myself being pushed forward. I wasn’t sure where he was taking me, and really, I didn’t care. I just stared in his eyes, feeling no fear. Nothing else mattered at the moment, only him. Something caught my attention over his shoulder. I stared at it, confused, waiting for it to be revealed to me. With me still in his arms we burst out of the rough water and onto the soggy beach, my lungs struggling for oxygen. As I looked around wildly I found out what I saw, it was the rippling of the water’s surface, lightning still danced in the sky lighting our way, but it seemed like the storm had passed. He wrapped me in his arms as I coughed and struggled to breath, feeling as if I were drowning all over again.
“Jeremy?” I cried through gulps of air and water, the fear coming back to me.
“Come on, Nic, just breathe,” he said, panicked, hugging me close.
I closed my eyes and shook my head back and forth. “I-I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. Look at me!” he demanded.
I did as he said and opened my eyes.
“That’s my girl,” he said calmly. “Just look right at me. I got you, and as long as I do everything is going to be okay.” He stroked the side of my face—I could feel it. His hand was cold as ice, but there nonetheless. Slowly my breathing calmed and I could take shallow breaths.
“Did I die?” I finally asked him.
He smiled and shook his head. “No, it’s not your time yet.”
“How are you here? Am I dreaming?”
“I’m here because you needed me. I told you before that I would always be here for you, no matter what. Living, dead, it’s all the same.”
“Will I always be able to see you?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, maybe just in your dreams, but that doesn’t mean I’m not there. Everywhere you go, everything you see, I’ll be there.”
“You promise?”
He smiled at me and stroked my cheek. “My love for you is forever, this I promise you.”
Epilogue
I knew I had made the right decision by coming back here, although at the time I didn’t know exactly why or how. It was always him. It would always be him. Even in death we managed to find our way back together. Our love would be as endless as the sea on a hot August summer night. I know we will be together again, when it is my time, but for now what we have is enough for me.
After work at the marine biology center in Morehead City I go home and walk the beach, which is where I feel the closest to him. Although my routine was the same, there was always something different to see and I knew Jeremy was there experiencing it with me. I would talk to him and tell him all about my day just like in our letters when we were kids. I learned quickly during our first year apart to highlight the happier moments. Jeremy always wanted to keep a smile on my face and if he caught wind that I had been hurt or upset his protective side would come out and it was swift and serious. In an attempt to keep heaven and earth from feeling his wrath, I just strolled in silence on the bad days. If I ever began to wonder if he was still there I would stand real still and close my eyes and feel the world around me. The wind would pick up, tousling my hair, and I would know he was still there with me.
September 2003 ~ RIP Jeremy Hayes
There have been too many years since I’ve seen your face, but not enough time to wipe away my tears.
I remember your dark eyes as they bored into my soul and radiated the beauty that lay deep within them.
I remember how you would hold my hand so protectively, the mere touch of your hand would make goose bumps flare on my skin and cause my heart to pound uncontrollably.
I remember how you would stroke my cheek as you pressed your arched lips softly against mine.
I remember the look on your face when I told you I was leaving and how it broke my heart to see your pain.
Jeremy, I remember everything.
People said we were too young to know what love was. But I said they didn’t know us.
Despite our love, we were so young back then, too young to know how to hold on.
I often wonder what might have been.
Would we have stayed together despite the distance?
Could we have reconnected in time?
Had I known your pain, I would have tried harder. I would have fought for the life you promised we would have had.
I would give away a hundred of my happy memories if it meant that you could bless the world with that beautiful smile again.
I will never understand, no matter how many times you try to tell me, why you chose the fate you did.
No awkward chance encounters. No late night phone calls. No second chances, not for you and me.
I want to be angry. I want to cry. I want to talk to you one last time.
I hope one day I get to see you again.
Until then I will remember you my friend.
My Story
My story is not very unlike the one you just read. I fell in love for the first time when I was just 13 years old with the most beautiful boy I had ever known, Jeremy Hayes Hewett. Some told me it was just a crush, a child’s fantasy, and some just dismissed it all together. They were all wrong. Yes, I was 13 and that is young, but I knew how I felt and they did not. He was a truly special person who had the biggest heart of anyone I had ever known. We dated the entire school year until I moved away at the end of the school year. We continued to stay in touch after I moved away, but long distance relationships are hard whether you are 13 or 31, and like so many long distance relationships, it didn’t last. Slowly, the once constant letters and phone calls started becoming fewer and further between until they stopped altogether. I would think about him from time to time though, whether I was driving through his hometown, or if I heard a certain song on the radio.
Finally, when I was nineteen, I contacted everyone that I could think of who knew him or would possibly know how to contact him, and since this was before advances in technology had taken off, I decided to leave it up to the universe. If we were meant to be, then we would be. As the years went by the universe remained steadily quiet, so once again I grew impatient and took it upon myself to try and locate him once more. Unfortunately, this time I did find out where he was, but what I found out was the LAST thing I ever expected. My first love had been dead for three years after taking his life. The impact of his death left me in complete shock, and after the shock, there was guilt. I was utterly consumed by guilt because oddly enough, it had been exactly three years since I had
last tried to find him, I felt guilty for not trying harder. I thought that maybe, had I known what he was going through, I could’ve helped him.
Well, what I can’t do, as much as I wish I could, is go back and help him, but what I can do now is share this story in the hopes that it may help someone else. So, that is what I have done. He and I may have only had that one perfect year together when we were kids, but it was a time in my life I will never forget. I often wonder had he and I stayed together how would our lives have played out? People always say that if they could go back in time and change anything in their life they wanted to they wouldn’t change a thing. But if you knew that was the ending, would you change it if you could do it all over again? I would.
If someone you know has any signs of suicide, get them help immediately. They may not be verbally asking for help, but their actions are. If you don’t think a loved one is capable of taking their own life, you are very wrong. Don’t call their bluff and give them a loaded gun.
~Suicide is a major, preventable public health problem. In 2007, it was the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S., accounting for 34,598 deaths. The overall rate was 11.3 suicide deaths per 100,000 people. An estimated 11 attempted suicides occur per every suicide death.
Suicidal behavior is complex. Some risk factors vary with age, gender, or ethnic group and may occur in combination or change over time.
If you are in a crisis and need help right away: Call this toll-free number, available 24 hours a day, every day: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You will reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a service available to anyone. You may call for yourself or for someone you care about. All calls are confidential~
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