“I’m April.”
“Chloe.”
“My boyfriend is in a coma.”
She sniffles. “I’m sorry.”
“Me, too.”
Just like that, I have another girlfriend.
WE WANDER THE halls for a while, talking about everything and nothing. She wants to share her happy memories of her father, and I get off my chest things I left unsaid between Jared and I. I tell her about Eric, too and what he said to me leaning over Jared’s body. I was wrong.
“What a jerk!” she exclaims before our ears pick up a baby crying. We share a glance before breaking into a run down the hall. I stop when the glass wall comes into view and about ten babies are sleeping there in their little bassinets. We stand there, watching the nurse feed the crying baby, and then lay him back down. We even watch them sleep for a few minutes before I decide some wiser words are needed.
“See, with every death, there is rebirth. It’s a cycle,” I say. She turns to me curiously. “Life. It’s a cycle,” I reiterate.
The silence grows between us. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say to someone who just lost their father. “He’ll wake up, you know.” She finally speaks and her words surprise me. She was thinking about me, while I was concerned for her.
“Thank you,” I finally say and start to walk again.
“For what?” she questions, skipping to catch up to me.
“I needed to hear someone outside my head say that.”
“No, I think you need him to wake up. You need it like anyone needs anything. You’re hurting and you try to act strong. You want to believe you can handle it. But deep inside, you are dying.”
I pause in the hallway and look over at her and she slowly meets my eyes.
“I know because that was me,” she says “Only I wanted my father to pass on—he was in so much pain. But you – you want Jared to live. Only I wonder who is going to be there for you if he doesn’t.”
It’s my turn to break down and cry. I sob into Chloe’s arms like she did into mine.
“It’s okay,” she whispers. “I’ll be here for you— just like you were for me.”
“Thank you, thank you,” I keep muttering as she holds me.
It seems like hours before we wander back to Jared’s room. She pauses in front of the door.
“I think it’s time I go. I have some phone calls to make.”
“Okay.” I glance down reluctantly. I was hoping she’d stay longer. She’s the only one that I’ve allowed to see the amount of hurt inside me.
“Don’t forget to call me, okay?” she reminds me, placing her hand on my arm. I went over to comfort her, and now our roles have somehow reversed.
“Okay.”
“Thank you for being there.”
“You, too.” I smile.
Chloe nods before turning to leave. I want to say more, but words have escaped me.
“And, April?”
I pause with my hand on the door.
“If life is a cycle, I hope my dad’s life gives Jared back his.”
With that she’s gone, leaving me to stare after her minutes after her silhouette disappears.
I WAKE SOMETIME in the middle of the night in Jared’s room to my ringtone. I glance down, noticing Hunter is once again calling me. I thought after Tammie had turned him away—twice— he would take the hint. Apparently, I was mistaken. It has only made him text and call me more. I haven’t responded except once I texted him back, telling him to leave me alone. I’m kind of going through stuff at the moment. That was the worst mistake I made yet; he sent even more messages, asking if I was okay, can we meet up, he wants to see me to make sure I’m alright, he’s worried about me. Things of that nature. I hit ignore on the phone once again and try to get back to the dream I was just having. It was a happy one, back when Jared and I were kids. The beeping of his heart monitor eventually helps me doze off again.
By the time my eyes open, the sun is streaming through his blinds and Tammie’s face is hovering over mine.
“I was about to check your vitals, girl. You’ve been asleep all day!”
“Mmm, all day?”
“Yeah! I’ve come in like three times already!” She smiles as I rub my eyes and lower the blanket off my shoulders. Funny, I don’t remember falling asleep with one. “Hun, can I talk to you?”
“You know you can, Tams!”
“There is someone here for you again…” she begins hesitantly.
“Who?”
“Mr. Grey.”
I roll my eyes at the sounds of her words.
“Get rid of him.”
“Maybe you should just speak to him. He looks… worried.”
“Tammie, I can’t!”
She nods, returning her glance to Jared’s stiff frame. “You know, I worry about you, April,” she whispers, her tone more serious than I have ever heard her. “He might not wake up. You have to face that fact. He might be like this forever. What will you do?”
There is an awkward silence between us. It is a scenario that I don’t want to think about. “You should at least meet this kid to see what he wants. Keep your options open. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, especially if it is hanging on a thin tightrope.”
I don’t know what else to say so I nod. Without another word, she leaves me alone with Jared once again. My mind is going a mile a minute. I’m processing what she just said. I guess I have to get used to the fact that Jared may never recover. If he does wake up, he may never be the same again. Brain injuries are the worst. After a ton of internal conflict, I come to the decision that I’ll at least talk to Hunter, see what he wants.
I grab Jared’s hand. It’s still warm, and his pulse is steady. I don’t know what possesses me to do it, but I climb into his bed and lay with my head on his chest. The smell of his soap is still slightly present as I brush my lips softly against his cheek.
“Jared, I understand. I get it if you can’t hold on.” I whisper into his ear. “Don’t stay here in limbo just for me. Just make a decision! I can’t take this anymore. I love you.” Suddenly anger takes over. I remember how Jared looked at me after me and Hunter’s demise. Like he didn’t know me anymore. He wanted better for me; he knew I was stronger than that. “I know you are stronger than this! I know you didn’t wait all these years just to fucking die on me! So you fight, you break through! You fucking wake up, Jared! You wake up for me! You wake up for me.”
I kiss him hard one more time before wiping the tears off my cheek and climbing down from the bed.
I wander out into the hall and round the corner before I hear Hunter’s voice.
“APRIL!” he calls, pushing Tammie aside as he practically jogs up to me. “April,” he repeats as he reaches out for me as if he doesn’t believe I’m real.
“Hunter.” I nod in a harsh greeting.
“She said that…”
“What do you want, Hunt?”
“Can we talk…There’s a coffee shop just outside.” I glance back towards Jared’s corridor. Maybe Tammie is right. Maybe I owe this to him, to hear him out.
“You have ten minutes.”
He nods in agreement before leading me out of the hospital. I feel him about to place his hand on the small of my back, but he thinks better of it. The silence in the elevator ride hangs in the air between us.
The automatic doors open for us to leave and I feel the cold and the sun hit me at the same time. I wince; it’s been so long since I’ve been outside. The fresh air feels glorious compared to the antiseptic and sickly hospital. Hunter was right; across the street sits a chain coffee shop. To be honest, I’ve missed working. I miss Jack, even though he hasn’t responded to any of my texts. I haven’t thought about it actually; I’ve had other things on my mind. Hunter opens the door for me and we walk inside. I’m not thirsty so I get us seats by the window. That way I can at least have an eye on the hospital. Maybe I’m just making sure it doesn’t go up in flames while I’m having coffee with an ex-boyfriend.<
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Even though I told him I didn’t want anything, Hunter still brings me a muffin and a cup of tea. Once the smell hits me, my stomach responds and I give in.
“A… I …”
“Hunter, get to the point. What do you want from me?”
I blink, finally taking him in. He must have come from his internship or something because he is in a well-tailored dark grey suit. His dark hair is slicked back, bringing out the blue of his eyes, and now I fully understand why Tammie wanted me to see him. Maybe she was hoping old feelings would come back.
“I made a mistake, April. I regret what I did to you.” He looks down at his coffee as if it held his speech. “You have been the only girl I’ve ever loved, April. You have to know that. I was going through some denial back in school. I had the pressure of the frat to experiment, and it ate away at me. But A, I realize I made a mistake. When I heard that you were in an accident, my heart froze up and it ate away at me. You wouldn’t return my texts or calls, and I thought the worst.”
His eyes brim with tears and I slowly melt once again. I’m staring at his lips, those soft cushiony lips I can still remember. Only now I remember something else. I remember Jared. I remember the hunger and passion that can only come from true love. My memories fall deeper than that. They remember the hurt, the walk home from his dorm, the vomit in my mom’s rose bush as I thought about Hunter with another girl.
“I will always love you Hunt, but my heart is with someone else now.” I interrupt his carefully thought out speech that he was still continuing.
“Who? That guy in a coma? April…” I hear the laughter behind his voice.
“Yes, that guy in a coma! His name is Jared and he is twice the man you will ever be, even unconscious!”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Hunter looks around the coffee shop nervously as people begin to stare. “April, what if—”
“What if he never wakes up?” I scream now, climbing to my feet before bracing my hands on the edge of the table.
Hunter nods.
“Then I will die alone, because he is the only one I will ever want to be with!”
At that, I stomp out of the shop, slamming the door behind me. I walk across the street, back to the hospital, and try not to think about the horrid smell as I climb the stairs. I think I need some time alone to think, and the stairs are rarely ever used. I can’t believe what I just said, but after the words came tumbling out of my mouth, I realized it was true. After being with Jared, how am I supposed to settle for anything less?
I pause on the steps as I break into tears. I allow my feelings to flow uninhibited and unrestricted. I sob away all the conflicting emotions and when I wipe my cheeks clean, my faith in my decision is renewed. Slapping my hands on my knees, I climb to my feet and continue my way back to Jared’s room.
By the time I make it to the 7th floor where Jared’s room is, I notice there is no one at the nurses station. That’s strange, I think to myself, but I continue down the hall and around the corner before opening Jared’s door.
The door closes shut behind me, but I stare straight ahead in utter shock. The bed, Jared’s bed, is empty. The bedding on it is completely made. I rip open the door to the bathroom and it’s empty, as well. My stuff is folded on the corner of the bed. I hear the jiggle of the doorknob before whipping around and opening it so fast, I almost hit myself in the face with it.
Locking eyes with me is Tammie. “Tammie what happened? Where is he?” I practically scream.
“He’s okay.”
“Oh my God! Where is he?” I scream, elated. “I need to see him!”
“He’s asked you not to see him.”
“What? Why?”
She looks down, unable to make eye contact.
“WHY?” I repeat.
“Apparently, he heard the last things we said about you going to see your ex and when he finally woke up you were—”
“Gone.” I finished her sentence. “I promised him…” I whisper. A few seconds of silence pass before I add, “ I need to explain. I need to see him!”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why the hell not?” I scream, grabbing her elbows threateningly.
“He’s threatened all of us with a lawsuit if we informed anyone of his whereabouts.”
“What!”
“It’s a HIPPA privacy violation. Legally, we cannot tell you where he is if he gives us specific instructions not to.”
“Are you kidding me?!” I scream, pushing past her into the corridor. “JARED!” I scream at the top of my lungs. “JARED!”
I stop by the nurse’s station. They all quickly duck, looking away from me. “Where is Jared?”
“He’s not here,” one nurse whispers.
“What? What do you mean?”
“He signed himself out, although I cannot tell you where he is.”
“TAMMIE!” I scream until I see she is right beside me. “Tammie, this can’t be happening!” I burst into a fit of tears.
“Maybe you should go home and finally get some sleep. Things have a way of working out,” she tries to murmur to my convulsing body.
“Tammie, what am I going to do if he never speaks to me again?” My eyes search her infinitely wise ones but no answer ever seems to come to the surface.
AS SOON AS I GET home, I knew exactly who to call. Chloe picks up the phone on the first ring. I tell her the entire story through sobs and hiccups and she asks me for my address. She arrives ten minutes later to be there for me like she promised. I don’t even let her close the door to her car before I pounce on her in the driveway. We talk for hours before we come up with a plan. There was something behind Tammie’s eyes and then the nurse that told me he wasn’t there. They were lying.
Here I am in the stairway of the 7th floor, waiting for Chloe’s signal. It is genius! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier.
“I don’t understand. He died here! Why can’t I get the death certificate? Just print it out!” Chloe hollers, echoing through the hallway.
That’s my cue. I sneak across the hall to where they hold the charts.
“No, I will not go down to Medical Records! You go down and get them to bring it to me!”
“Ma’am, I understand you are upset, but I don’t have any authority to print a death certificate.”
Chloe breaks into tears that could have won her an Emmy. “You don’t understand. I can’t get the insurance money without this and I can’t bury him because I have no money.”
I hear her again and I smirk, she could have been an actress. I close the door behind me, cutting out the noise from her little stunt and shake the mouse on the computer to bring it to life.
It hums back on and the little screen says. ‘Enter Patient Name’
HOFFMAN, JARED I type.
A list pops up and I double click the one whose birthday matches Jared’s. His file immediately pops up, and on the top right corner I see ‘Room 801.’
I pause with my hand on the mouse still. He’s still here. They only moved him one floor up. Finally getting my nerves back, I shake my head, click out of the file and sneak back across the hall to the stairs.
“Okay, Tammie. I’m so sorry. This is just so hard for me. I’ll go down to medical records.” I hear Chloe wrapping up her little performance.
The door to the stairs clicks shut behind me and I sprint up the stairs two at a time and swing open the door. I try hard to control my running down the hall. I don’t want to draw too much attention as I race towards room 801, but I find it hard to restrict my pace when I’m seconds away from seeing Jared.
Anticipation floods my veins. What if he won’t hear me out? What if he kicks me out? No. I can’t think about that now. I need to think positive. I get to explain myself to him. If he heard my last statements to Tammie, he must have heard me talking to him, washing him; he must know I was there for him all this time. I pause before the plaque that reads 801 and take a deep breath before disappearing inside. The curtain i
s drawn and I reach my hand out and draw it back. What I find is more than I can bear.
It’s empty. Yet again, I have come to an empty bed. I’m staring at the bed when I hear Chloe open the door behind me. I don’t know how she found me, but she was right on my heels. Once again, I’m crying into her shoulder as I grip her for dear life.
CLOSING THE CAR DOOR behind me, I look up at the brick building that holds New York’s finest and laziest workers. The knot in my stomach twists around and around in nervous synchronization. I really hope Officer Smith doesn’t hold grudges. This is my last tiny hope of finding out where Jared is being held. Balling up my fists, I confidently take the walkway up to the entrance of the building. Once through the doors, my confidence fades. I take in all the desks before me. I almost forgot what it looked like it in here. The last time I was here, the tall ceiling was spinning and the many desks looked almost converged into one.
“Miss Landau.” The familiar voice makes me bite my lip as I turn to face the blue eyes of Officer Smith. “I didn’t think I would see you again anytime soon.”
“I… I’m sorry.” I begin to whisper my well thought out speech that I had been memorizing.
“Save it. What did you really come here for?” His voice is harsh, covering up the hurt I sense behind his eyes.
“I need your help,” I admit as my shoulders droop in defeat.
“Funny how that works, huh?” He chuckles to himself as he grips the coffee between his hands tighter so that his knuckles turn a dark shade of white.
I take a deep breath to focus my mind before I fail my self-imposed mission. “I need to report a missing person.”
“Let me guess—”
“Yes. Can you please help me?” My voice cracks as the tears behind my eyes threaten to fall at any moment.
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