by S. Tamanaha
“You’re in the music business, Damien,” Susan said. “You know way more about music than I do.”
“I know today’s music,” he said. “I’m looking for something retro, but not the usual oldies stuff. Everybody always uses the same recognizable songs. I want to give them some new stuff to look at and listen to. Your band played some music that I don’t even hear on the oldies’ stations.”
“Well, I don’t know if I can be of any real help,” Susan said, “but I guess I can try to give you some suggestions if you tell me or show me what kind of dance numbers you’ll be having.”
She told Johnny about Damien’s request and he seemed fine with it. She would be involved in music again, which he knew that she missed, and working with a group of gay men who posed no threat to him.
Damien gave her a DVD with some dance rehearsal videos on them and she started to search for music whenever she had the time. It was what she was working on when Johnny happened to return home in the middle of the day to pick up something that he had forgotten.
When he walked in the door, she wasn’t in sight and he could hear music playing loudly in the office. It was a sexy piece of music and, frowning, he went to investigate. She was standing at the desk facing her computer, her back to him, her body moving in time with the music. She was so involved in what she was doing that she didn’t even notice when Angel got up to greet Johnny. Johnny petted her and then put a finger to his lips to tell her to stay quiet. He stood in the doorway, arms folded, and watched as she started to dance, doing moves as sexy as any stripper. Then suddenly she stopped, turned the music down, and said aloud to herself, “Okay, that might be a good one.” She began writing something down on a piece of paper.
“A good one for what?”
She jumped, completely startled. “God, you scared me half to death, Johnny. What are you doing sneaking up on me like that?” She turned the music off.
“You would have heard me if the music hadn’t been so loud. What are you doing? That’s the question.”
“I’m putting together some music for Damien’s show,” she said. “I told you about it.”
“Is it a strip show? Because that’s what that looked like.”
She didn’t like the tone of his voice or what she saw in his eyes. “Yes, he’s going to have a striptease number in the show.”
“And you’re doing it?”
“Of course not. What are you talking about?”
“Those moves you were making looked professional to me.”
She had to bite her lip to stop herself from asking him whether he was some sort of expert. Instead she said, “I hope so because that’s how they’re going to move in the show. I was seeing if the moves they already know would work with the new music.” She looked at him directly. “What were you thinking? That I stripped before or maybe I’m doing it while you’re at the studio?”
“I’m not sure what I was thinking,” he said flatly.
“Well, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t anything good. I can see it in your eyes—and I don’t like it. If you don’t know me well enough to know that I would never do something like that, then you don’t know me at all.” She shook her head and started to leave the room. He took hold of her arm and stopped her.
“I know you wouldn’t do that,” he said, his voice gentler. “It’s just that you should have seen yourself.”
“What I was doing wasn’t meant to be seen by anyone—including you. I was just working through the music, that’s all. Why are you home this early anyway?” She wondered if he was checking up on her.
“I came to pick up that script that Roy gave me to look at. He wanted it back today and I forgot it this morning.” He pulled her to him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anything. It’s just that you always deny being sexy and then I walk in and see you doing that. I wasn’t sure what to think.”
She put her arms around him then. “I don’t have a sordid past and I’m not keeping any secrets from you,” she said. “Please get those thoughts out of your head. Please know me.”
He leaned down and kissed her. “I do know you. I’m sorry.” He kissed her again more deeply. “Maybe you can do one of those dances just for me,” he suggested.
“I’d feel stupid dancing like that even for you,” she said. “I’m embarrassed that you even saw it. That’s why I’m so irritated right now.”
He smiled a little. He really hadn’t wanted her to agree. It would have made him wonder. “Okay, but don’t ever deny being sexy again because I know better.”
“As long as you think I’m sexy, that’s all I want,” she said. “And before you walk in and act all suspicious, maybe you should remove the makeup and lipstick that’s on your shirt.”
He looked at the stain on his shirt that she was pointing at. “It’s from a scene we were just shooting, you know that.”
“I know it because you tell me. I’m never there,” she reminded him. “Trust works both ways, Johnny.”
He knew that she was right. He wished that he could control these feelings of jealousy inside of him. “All right, point made. Come here.” He pulled her to him again and kissed her lovingly. “I have to get back to the studio. But you be waiting for me tonight because I’m going to have what I just saw stuck in my head all day and it’s a major turn on.”
“I’ll be here,” she said as she kissed him back. “Don’t forget your script.”
She walked him out and waved to him as he drove off. She hoped that she was wrong, but ever since her reception party and the comments made by Daniel Stevens, she sensed a change in Johnny. He seemed more possessive than usual when they were out together and more suspicious of her. He had even begun questioning some of her habits.
“Where’d you go today?” he asked one night as they sat down for dinner.
“Today? Nowhere other than take Angel out for her walk. I spent most of the day working on that report for my job. Why?”
“You’re wearing makeup.”
“I put on some makeup every day,” she said. “Don’t tell me you just noticed.”
“Well, why do you if you’re not going anywhere?”
“Johnny, you spend almost every day working with beautiful women. Do you honestly think that I want you coming home from that to someone who isn’t half-way presentable?”
“So you’re doing it for me?”
“Who else? Besides, I feel better with at least a little makeup on. Unlike you, I wasn’t blessed with perfect natural beauty.”
“I think you’re beautiful without any makeup,” he said then, apparently feeling better to find out that she was going through the trouble just for him.
She got up and went over to give him a hug. “I love you for saying that, but I wouldn’t feel good having you coming home to someone who looks like a drudge. I’m insecure as it is sometimes when I see all the gorgeous women that you work with. So just humor me, okay?”
He kissed her then. “Okay. But you don’t have to feel insecure about anything. You’ll always be beautiful to me and I still can’t wait to come home to you.”
She returned his kiss. “I love you, Johnny,” she said.
She had been able to quell his suspicions that night but not put them to rest. On a few occasions, she asked him directly about the change in him that she sensed. He always denied it, but she could feel it and it made her uncomfortable and tense. She didn’t want to avoid having a conversation with another man or receiving phone calls from friends for fear of upsetting him. She couldn’t walk on eggshells that way and, as far as she was concerned, it was completely unfair considering his line of work and all those women who came on to him, some of them even approaching him when they were out together. She didn’t like double standards. She didn’t like having to be the one who always had to understand about all the women while feeling as though her every move was being monitored. Most of all, she didn’t like feeling that he didn’t trust her. She had to find a way to make him understand but she didn’t know ho
w. It wasn’t long, however, before she found herself forced to confront the problem.
Johnny had been invited to yet another event that he felt compelled to attend. As usual, Susan accompanied him without complaint, but she hated these events. They were filled with so many pretentious people trying to make an impression on someone and she was forced to be charming no matter what. At one point, while Johnny was discussing a potential project with a small group of people, she told him that she was going to the bar to refresh their drinks and excused herself. While she was standing at the bar waiting for her drinks, Daniel Stevens approached her. She hadn’t noticed him earlier.
“Are you enjoying the party?” he asked. It was clear to her that he had been drinking a little too much.
“It’s all right, I guess,” she replied. “How have you been?”
“Oh, busy as usual,” he said. “Just closed a deal on a movie so I’m celebrating.” He held up his drink. “Can I buy you a drink and talk you into celebrating with me?”
“Thank you, but I already have drinks coming and I’ve got to get back to Johnny,” she said. She was feeling uncomfortable again under his stare.
Daniel took a sip of his drink and sighed. “You are an extremely attractive woman. I’ve always meant to tell you that.”
“Daniel—”
“No, really, I mean that. I thought so the first time that he brought you to that charity event but since then, well, I’ve found myself more and more taken by you. You’re not at all like the surgically enhanced bimbos that swarm to these events. If you were my woman—”
“Daniel, please stop. You’ve had a little too much to drink. Please don’t say anything that you’ll regret tomorrow. You and Johnny work together. He likes you. He considers you a friend.”
“Are you happy with him? With America’s sex symbol?”
“I’m very happy. And you know that he’s much more than just that.”
“Yeah, I know. I actually like the guy, surprisingly. But it just doesn’t seem fair somehow that the powers that be would give him those looks and you.”
“Johnny’s a good man. He knows that his looks won’t last. He also knows that my love for him will. Please, don’t say anything more, all right? I have to get back to him now.” She took her drinks and left.
As she made her way back to Johnny, she composed herself and put on the mask that she wore at these events so that he wouldn’t think that anything was wrong.
“I was wondering if you got lost,” he said when she walked up.
“It’s crowded at the bar,” she replied as she handed him his drink.
They stayed for another half an hour or so and then, as usual, Johnny made some excuse about an early appointment the next morning so that they could leave gracefully.
“Tired?” he asked as they got into the car.
She nodded. “A little.”
They drove for a while in silence. Then Johnny said, “You weren’t going to say anything were you?”
She looked at him and when she saw his eyes, she knew that he had seen Daniel talking with her at the bar and that he had been brooding about it ever since. If she hadn’t been so tired of the party and lost in thought about Daniel’s behavior, she might have seen it earlier and addressed it. Now it was too late. His Scorpio temper had been brewing too long.
“Johnny—”
“You weren’t going to tell me about that conversation at the bar, were you? He made a move on you, didn’t he? Daniel. He moved on you tonight, right?”
“Johnny, he was drunk. He just said a few things and I set him straight, that’s all.”
“What kind of things?”
She hesitated.
“What kind of things did he say, damn it!”
She had never seen him so angry. “He just said that he was celebrating the closing of a movie deal and asked if he could buy me a drink so that I could celebrate with him and I said no. Then he said that he found me attractive—that I wasn’t like the surgically enhanced bimbos that come to these events—and he asked me if I was happy with you. I told him that I was very happy and that I thought he had a little too much to drink and that he shouldn’t be saying things that he might feel sorry or embarrassed about tomorrow, especially since you and he work together.”
“What else?”
“I said that you were a good man and he said that he actually liked you but that he didn’t know why the powers that be would give you the kind of looks that you have and also give you me. That’s it. That’s all that was said.”
“If that’s all that it was, why were you hiding it from me?”
“I wasn’t hiding anything. There’s nothing to hide. If he had touched me or propositioned me or anything like that, I would have told you. But it wasn’t like that. Nothing happened.”
“You know damn well what that conversation was leading up to.”
“Now you’re assuming things—”
“Are you going to sit there and tell me that you can read a drunk who’s a perfect stranger in a bar but you can’t tell where this guy’s coming from?”
“Even if he was going in that direction, and I don’t think he would have gone that far, I ended the conversation and nothing happened. Besides, you work with the man, Johnny. I just didn’t want—”
“The hell with that!” he said furiously, slamming his hand into the steering wheel. “So I work with the guy. Does that give him the right to hit on my wife? And you—why are you always defending him?”
“What are you talking about?”
“After that other party, you said that even if he was infatuated, he wouldn’t act on it. Now, he’s acted on it and you’re telling me that you doubt that he would have gone so far as to proposition you when you know that’s exactly where he was headed. What the hell is going on? Maybe it not my relationship with this guy that you’re worried about.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You tell me!” he demanded. “You’re the one who keeps defending him. Seems to me that you’re the one who’s interested in having a relationship with this guy.”
She bristled at the implication of that statement. “What are you saying? You think that I want to hook up with him? That I want to sleep with him? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Well do you?” he practically shouted. He knew it was a mistake as soon as the words came out of his mouth, but it was too late. His jealousy and anger had gotten the best of him. He saw the stricken look in her eyes.
It was as though he had slapped her in the face and crushed her heart. She stared out the windshield and shook her head slightly. “How could I have been so wrong about you ... about us?” she said softly.
He pulled the car over to the shoulder of the road quickly and stopped. He took a deep breath. “Look, I didn’t mean that, all right?” He reached out for her hand but she pulled it away.
“Take me to the house.” Her tone was like ice. “I’m getting Angel and leaving tonight.”
“No, you’re not leaving,” he said firmly. “You’re not breaking your promise.”
“I am leaving and you’re not stopping me this time. I don’t care what I promised. I’m not staying a second longer than I have to with someone who thinks that I’m no better than a whore.”
“Stop it,” Johnny said. It wasn’t his intent, but it came out sounding like an order. “Don’t say that.”
“You said it when you asked me if I wanted to sleep with a man that I hardly even know.”
“I was just angry—”
“I don’t care,” she cut him off. “That doesn’t give you the right to treat me like I’m a tramp. Now I want to go and get Angel.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Fine. I’ll find my own way there.” She flung open the car door and got out and started walking quickly in the direction they had just come from.
He went after her and caught her arm.
“Don’t you touch me!” She yanked her arm away from him so violently
that she nearly lost her balance.
He grabbed her by both arms. “Get back in the car—please.”
She struggled to get free. “Leave me alone! Damn you!”
He didn’t want to bruise her as he had before so he put his arms around her and half-dragged, half-carried her back to the car and sat her down in the passenger seat. She was facing outwards and he put an arm on each side of her, one on the car seat, the other on the door jamb, blocking her escape. She tried to push past him but he was too strong.
“Get out of my way!” she shouted, pounding on his arms that had her trapped. It was like pounding on rock.
“No. You can hit me all you want. I deserve it. But I can’t let you leave. I won’t.”
“I’m not going through this again, do you hear me? I spent my entire life listening to my father and mother fight about this kind of thing and I’m not going through it again with you. I’m not.” She tried to stop it, but she started crying. “I can’t. I just can’t.”
“Susan—”
“He had a right to be jealous,” she said angrily between sobs. “The way that she was. I’ve never given you any reason to accuse me like that. I’m not her. I’m not anything like her.”
Johnny knew that she was talking about her mother—the one person that she didn’t want to be and the person that he had made her feel like with his insinuations. He understood now the pain that he had inflicted upon her with his stupid jealousy and reckless words.
“I know that you’re not like her. I know it.” He reached out his hand to caress her face, but she turned away from his touch. He became afraid that he had hurt her beyond repair and that he would really lose her. He took hold of her hand. He felt her pull away but he held on.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “You told me once that when you lose your temper you say things sometimes to hurt the other person. It was like that for me just now. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t feel it in my heart. I was just lashing out because I was angry and jealous and I felt as though you were taking his side and hiding something from me ... keeping a secret ... and I don’t want there to be secrets between us.”