He found the tiny swollen bud that crowned the display, urgently sucking it into his mouth to create a surging rhythm. She cried out her release without shame, digging her heels into his shoulders as she rocked against him in abandon. He kept the delirious pace until he felt her subside.
“I'll see you at home,” she said, stepping down from his desk. She was still shaking, but she didn't look back as she stepped over the pile of papers scattered across the floor and left. He fell against his chair, breathless and wondering what the hell had just happened. He finally fixed his bottoms and stood to go pick up the mess she had left behind. He was still reeling when Carrie knocked on the door. “Need any help with that, Mr. Quinn?” she asked as she entered, already bending down to scoop up an armload of books.
“Please tell me you had nothing to do with that,” he smiled.
“I have no idea what you mean,” she said innocently. “Don't worry, I turned the music up to muffle the sound,” she smirked.
He shook his head and continued sorting the files, knowing damn well Carrie had put Adessa up to the brazen attack.
He knocked on her door, carrying two cups of Starbucks. She was still half asleep when she let him in. “This some sorta peace offering?” she mumbled, accepting the steaming container.
“You could say that,” he said, flopping down on the overstuffed sofa.
“Let me go get dressed,” she called over her shoulder, as she headed down the hallway.
He took another sip of his coffee and lit a cigarette. “Take your time.”
For the first time in all these years, he scanned the room. The décor was simple, and modern. None of the furniture matched, yet it somehow came together. He had never taken the time to notice how immaculately clean and uncluttered she kept her home.
His visits were never pleasant for either of them and the last thing on his mind when he visited was the color of her walls. Which were blue. A nice serene shade, that instantly reminded him of his childhood. The ocean and the breeze were the only things he had honestly missed about the place and he figured one day, he might even go home to stay.
One day. His attention turned to her as she re-entered the room, wearing leggins and an oversized sweater. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail that draped down her back. God, she was beautiful. He had never seen her like this.
“So, what's up?” she asked, sipping the hot coffee.
He cleared his throat, forcing his thoughts back to the conversation he needed to have with her. “I needed to talk to you about my current situation. I need some help,” he told her.
“Start spilling. I'm listening,” she shrugged.
He shifted in his seat, already uncomfortable and not sure where to begin. “Alright. It's like this. I need to figure out some other options to keep me from triggering. I still need you, but I need to get this under control,”
She made a face, “It getting worse or something?”
“No, not exactly. I've kept myself in check. For now,” he sighed. “Look, I had been using an agency to send me one of their girls when I needed to take the edge off.” She raised a brow but didn't comment as he continued. “It was only about once a week or so and it helped. Otherwise you'd have seen me a lot more often and in worse shape.”
She cleared her throat and started, “First of all, kinda pisses me off you didn't mention that before. Okay, I get it, I'm one of them, but we have a contract and I think I should have been told. But, whatever.” Her blue eyes were darker now, but she continued, “Second. Why aren't you using them anymore if they helped?”
“My wife is pregnant, Jaime. I guess... I guess I just want to be the best husband and father I can be. I want to be worthy of them. And the outcalls I got really weren't any of your business. There was no reason to tell you.” He was being honest but trying to not be too brutal. He needed her help, and he had never opened up to her like this before. Actually, he couldn't even recall the last actual conversation the two had shared.
“Well, congrats on making a kid, but you can't deny what you are. It's part of you, so if you're trying to redeem yourself, good luck. You can't squash this. You have to overcome it. You need to talk to a professional,” she told him.
He shook his head. “You know that's not an option. I can't risk my career. My whole reputation is on the line here.”
“Then squashing it is,” she frowned. “If you can't use the agency, then use me. I will come to you whenever, wherever. You know that.”
He groaned. “No, Jai. The point is to not be with other women. The only one I want is my wife. Granted, I'll still come to you when I need you, but I'd rather not need you at all.” He knew the words stung.
She had been in his life for four years. She was barely eighteen when he had found her.
She stood and walked into the kitchen without a word. When she returned, she handed him a small metal vial, attached to a thin chain. He remembered it being around her neck on occasion when he visited. “What is this?” he asked, confused.
“Something to take the edge off. Use it if you need it,” she said, climbing on his lap to straddle him.
He twisted off the lid and peeked inside. Cocaine. She handed him cocaine. He looked up at her and shook his head. “No, that's not an option. I'm not going to consider it,” he said, placing it back in her hand.
“J, look, I know you don't want to but it might be your only choice. I don't know of anything else to help you relax,” she said as she draped the chain around his neck.
“Thank you, Jaime,” he finally spoke. A thousand wrongs and rights blared in his head as he considered his options. Option. This was the only one available at the moment and since it didn't involve another woman, he would try it. He spoke to her only a few more minutes before pushing her aside and standing to go.
“Remember, J. I'm only a phone call away. I mean that,” she told him as he walked out the door. He had hoped for a solution that didn't involve more secrets. That was too much to ask.
She slipped into bed beside him, leaving her thin gown draped over the nearby chair. She had finally given up wearing anything to bed because it wouldn't stay there long. He was tucked in comfortably but wasn't sleeping. “I missed you at the office today,” he quietly teased.
For a second, she almost felt embarrassed but she just smiled, brushing it off. “I'm glad you enjoyed it,” she said softly.
“I'll admit, you caught me off guard. You were hot, doll.”
She grinned over at him. “Blame the hormones. I can't seem to get enough of you lately.”
He chuckled as he reached over to stroke her thigh. “Good, because I will never have enough of you. I always want you.”
She always melted when he spoke to her like that. His voice was masculine and sensual, and he made her feel incredibly sexy. “Yeah?”
“Mhmm,” he answered, leaning in to kiss her lips.
She returned the soft kiss, finishing with a heated sweep of her tongue across his lower lip as she pulled away. “Fuck me, Judas,” she commanded in barely more than a whisper, not expecting his response. He froze.
“No.” His eyes went dark, and she could see his expression change.
She was confused now. His mood changed in an instant.
“What is it, love?” she asked softly, trying to keep her composure. “Did I upset you?”
“Nothing, doll. Bold words don't suit you, is all,” he said, avoiding her gaze.
She shook her head, “What is that supposed to mean? I said what was on my mind. Now I feel like an idiot.” She wanted to shake him. He had opened up so much and they were starting to explore some, yet three words had stopped him in his tracks. She wasn't sure if she was hurt or sorry but as she looked at him, she could see that he was conflicted.
He pulled her against him, and kissed her softly. “I'm sorry. I'll try to not react. I want you to speak your mind, Adessa,” he assured her.
She wasn't convinced. His tone was even but his face held no expressio
n as he spoke. Something was bothering him.
“How can I speak my mind if I don't know what will upset you?” she asked. It was an honest question.
“I'm just not used to your boldness. It arouses me and makes me want to do the things I can't,” he said in a pained whisper.
“Judas, I'm not fragile. I promise I'll let you know if something hurts me. Please try?” she tried to reassure him.
He was quiet for several moments, leaving dead silence in the room, save for the cold wind that whipped outside. “I won't be taking that chance. Especially not now,” he said, sliding his hand down her rips until his palm came to rest flat against her belly. “Besides, it's not just you that I consider.”
She smiled and placed her hand over his. It was hard to argue with him when he was so loving. He was terrified something would happen to her, or to their baby, and given his history, she understood his fear. She wanted so much to tell him what she was but he had calmed some, and she didn't want to upset him. She let it go, resolving to work on a more solid plan for getting what she needed from him. It was obvious that he was afraid, and she would need to either force the issue, or give up.
Neither were good options. If she forced the issue, she risked him becoming angry, which she was beginning to learn, would push him into the arms of Jaime. If she gave up, she would have to live with a husband who was so afraid of her that he would go to Jaime to get what he really needed. She finally fell asleep beside him, with his hand still resting protectively against their baby.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
The only sound in the room was the ticking of the antique clock that hung on the wall above his head. With the ink pen still lodged between his fingers, he closed his eyes and began to massage his temples. He was already nearly an hour late. She would be worried. He should call her. The day had already drained him, just like the several before. He should be home, drinking coffee and deep in conversation with his wife, but he wasn't. He was still reading and re-reading the same pages trying to make them make sense.
He had won another major case by the skin of his teeth but there was still work to be done. Why couldn't he focus? His mind was dragging him around by his hair and all he wanted was to have a solid night of sleep and a hot meal. And his wife. Yet here he was. Thinking, about that damn vial. His hand moved instinctively over the lump in his pocket where he kept it. No. It wasn't an option. He couldn't let it be. He knew if he removed the lid, there would be no going back. What was the point, anyway? There weren't enough drugs in the world to fix him. He was a monster and monsters should be put down.
He barely heard Carrie come in. She flashed a warm smile as she dropped a fresh stack of papers on his desk. “ Here's the last stack. All due by tomorrow.”
He grumbled under his breath, “Thank you, Carrie.” He saw her glance at the clock. “ You can go on home. I'll finish up here.”
She gave a mock salute, “Thank you, sir.”
He shook his head, giving a weak smile. “Are you ever going to use my name?”
“I do all the time, sir,” she grinned.
He rolled his eyes, “That's not what I meant. Talking about me doesn't count.”
“Will you fuck me, Mr. Quinn?” The question came out of nowhere, hitting him with the force of a speeding bus.
“What?” he stammered, his eyes instantly locking onto hers.
She smiled a seductive, yet innocent smile. “Just throwing it out there.”
He blinked in confusion. “Just throwing it out there? Carrie, I'm your boss. I don't think that's a good idea.”
“You can fire me if you want, I guess I deserve it,” she pouted, but he could tell the question had been worth it to her if he did.
He shook his head, not sure how to handle this. “I'm not going to fire you. But what brought that on? You're happily married, and you're my wife's friend,” he reasoned.
She lowered her eyes. “I wouldn't say happily married. It was an arrangement of sorts. But I have noticed the absence of women flowing through and I thought I'd offer. It has nothing to do with Adessa. I do like her. I don't mean any disrespect.”
He took a deep breath and rolled her words around his thick brain with all the other shit on his mind. “Look, Carrie, I stopped seeing other women because the only one I want is my wife. I am flattered that you have a crush on me, but I can't allow our relationship to become anything but professional.” He had never seen her as an option and he wouldn't do so now. They would both just forget this even happened and move on.
They talked for a few more minutes and then she was gone. He was alone, and up to his ears. He would be lucky to make it home before bedtime now. He groaned and finally called Adessa to tell her he would be late. The disappointment in her voice was clear but she didn't protest. She was tired from her own day and had planned an early night anyway.
He just hoped she wasn't overdoing it. He hung up the phone and sat there staring at it. His mind wandered back to Carrie's offer. No. He owed it to Adessa to stop. He owed it to Adessa to get better. He owed it to Adessa to do all he could to make her proud. He owed it to her to snort coke. NO.
The alarm bells were sounding in his head again. He couldn't think like that. It was an option. Might even be the only one he had, but it wasn't a good one and certainly no worse than the status quo. He kicked himself around over it, going over the pros and cons and even though the bad had outweighed the good, he reasoned that the coke might actually help and if it did, his wife and their life together would be safe. It was worth whatever it took. She had went out of her way to paint a clear target on herself and he had to protect her at all costs.
He locked up just after dark and he knew his wife was already in bed. She had been more tired lately as their baby grew inside of her and though she was taking her vitamins, she was also still working and she needed her rest. She had gained a few more pounds and her belly had begun swell. It was the sexiest sight in the world to him and he had to force himself to even allow her to sleep at night. All he could think of was making love to her and with the absence of anyone else in his life, the task had not been an easy one. He needed her, but he also needed the other releases as well. He knew it would build to this and now that it had, there was no choice but to take care of it.
“Well, sure, J. Come on in,” Jaime said with playful sarcasm as she shut the door behind him. Another random visit, she thought. Something had to be up. “You drop by for tea?” she winked, running her freshly dried red nails through her blonde mane.
He shook his head, “No, smartass. I didn't know where else to go. I'm sorry. I should have called.”
“No worries. It's your place if ya wanna get technical. Why you hiding, anyway?” she asked, curious.
He nervously pulled the vial out of his pocket and dangled it in the air in front of her. “Not hiding. Just... hiding,” he shrugged. “It's time. I need it.”
She was puzzled. “You need more? I can get more,” she offered, already reaching for her cell.
“No! It's full. I haven't used any yet,” he corrected her, taking her phone and replacing it on the table.
She gave a soft giggle, “Oh, my bad. Forgot, you're new at this.” She wasn't sure if she should be impressed or worried. Depending on how it would affect him, she might need to strip ahead of time and just wait. It always made her nervous when someone did this for the first time around her. Never knew what to expect. And Judas could be dangerous. But then again, she had survived nearly four years with the man. She could take it.
She went to gather her supplies and knelt down on the floor to lay them out in front of him. He fidgeted nervously, waiting for her to tap out a thin line, and then another. “Just one,” she said turning the small glass tray toward him. His head dipped and his knuckles went white as he clutched the edge of the table, inhaling slow and deep, until the line was gone. He grasped his nose, sniffing against the burn as he stood. “How do you feel?” she asked, raising a brow as she watched him.
He bl
inked at her several times before finally answering, “Fucking. Amazing.”
She felt his eyes on her as she leaned down, inhaling her own share of the bliss. She wasn't that addicted to it and really it didn't matter to her if she had it or not, but it was always nice to have some around in case the mood struck. She wasn't born with an addictive personality and she wasn't much of a partier so it was rare that she had that urge.
She left the materials on the table and sauntered to him, to press her slender frame against him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “So, is this still off limits?” she teased, testing the waters. She had never been allowed to touch him, or kiss him, or well, almost anything but be prepared and be still.
He leaned down and slid his tongue across her lips, breathing hot breath against her mouth, “Who has limits?”
She turned to mush. She had dreamed of the day she could speak to him and have him treat her as a human being for way too long. She was going to savor every second he afforded her. She raised up on the tips of her toes, chasing him as he pulled away. Her teeth caught his lower lip, nipping seductively, as she pressed her blood red claws into his shoulder blades. “Show me how amazing feels.” She licked a clean swipe across his lips, finishing with a light kiss against his cheek.
“It feels like my dick inside of you,” he said, pressing his palm against her chest, pushing her back against the wall. He jerked her hands straight out to the side, grinding his hips against her as he pinned her there against the wall. His lips covered hers in a sensual fury, kissing her deeply and with more passion than she had ever known him to possess. He wasn't broken this time. He was whole and he was magnificent. She cried out against his lips, “Judas...” His response was immediate and potent.
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