by Nina Levine
It’s not often in life that I am left speechless. This, however, was one of those times. My immediate reaction was to fight her, but I quickly moved through scenarios of how that could play out, and decided against it. Assessing her, I thought that she was probably high, and that was not a good thing to go up against. Mandy was erratic at the best of times, so I hated to think what she was capable of when she was on drugs.
I didn’t have to wait long to see what she would do next, because as quick as she came in, she left. She glared at me for awhile, daggers in her look. Then she shoved me backwards, and turned and strode to the door.
Before she closed the door, she shot one last threat at me, “You better watch your back, cunt. You’ve got no fucking idea!” And then she left.
I almost collapsed, my legs were so weak. My breathing was all over the place, and I struggled to get that under control while I rummaged under the counter for the front door keys. My agenda only had two things on it now; lock the door and call J.
“Babe, I’m kinda busy right now,” he answered with that impatient tone he sometimes used on me. And that just served to piss me off.
“Yeah, well, babe, I think you might want to fucking stop what you’re doing and listen the fuck up.”
Yeah, fear had left and anger had walked right on in, and settled itself in.
“What the fuck, Madison?” Now it was J’s turn to get shitty. Well, weren’t we a happy fucking couple today.
“I’ve just had a visit from Mandy,” I threw it out there, and waited for it to wrap itself around his head.
“FUCK!” he bellowed, and I had to hold the phone away from my ear for a moment. “Are you okay?” Even though his voice was still angry, I could hear the softness for me in there, and that melted some of my anger away.
“Yeah, honey, but I need you. Can you come now?”
“I’m already on my way,” he said, and the relief hit me like a gush of wind.
“Thank you,” I breathed out.
We ended the call and I waited for him. My mind was racing; crazy thoughts threaded with fear.
And then it hit me.
Fuck.
I needed a drink.
Chapter 22
Jason
Fuck! Scott, Griff and I had arrived at Madison’s work within half an hour of receiving her call, and she was nowhere to be fucking found. The shop was locked and she didn’t answer the door, so Scott had broken the lock. She wasn’t there. And she wasn’t answering her god damn phone.
I raked my fingers through my hair. Where the fuck could she be?
And then Griff voiced what we were all thinking. “Do we think Mandy came back for her?”
“I’ll fucking kill that cunt if she touches Madison!” I roared, and turned to leave the empty shop.
“Brother, I’ll kill her even if she doesn’t,” Scott promised me, and I nodded at him in silent agreement.
Scott pulled out his phone and called Marcus to break the bad news to him. They came up with a plan of attack and we began our search for Madison.
Two hours later we still hadn’t located either of them. I was starting to feel desperate. Scott was beyond a state of rage. I don’t think he loved anyone as much as he loved his sister.
We arrived back at the clubhouse to regroup. All the boys were here now. Madison meant so much to all of them, and it was a somber mood that permeated the room.
Marcus took control. “I want every fucking person tied up with that bitch to be grilled. One of them has to know where she is. Scott will coordinate,” he directed, and then left the room. I wasn’t sure where or what he was doing, and even though it was odd that he would leave us to do this on our own, it wasn’t my concern right now. Finding Madison was my only priority.
I got my directions off Scott and headed out. My first stop was only ten minutes from the clubhouse, and as I pulled up, my phone started ringing.
It was Brooke. “Hey, sis,” I answered, hoping she was okay.
She seemed nervous, “J, are you with Madison today?”
Unease hit me in the gut. “No. She got a visit from Nix’s crazy sister, and now we can’t find her. Why? Have you heard something?”
“I think she might be at Hyde’s.”
“What?” I struggled to make the connection.
Brooke sighed. “J, I think she’s been drinking. One of my friends just called me and suggested I get you down there to stop her.
Unease slid right through me, and fury took its place.
“Thanks, I’m on my way now,” I bit out, and hung up.
I walked through the doors of Hyde’s pub ten minutes later, and the struggle of watching Madison lose herself to alcohol years ago mixed with the burning anger and resentment I still held towards my alcoholic mother, and I lost it.
She was wasted; no, beyond wasted. And, allowing a guy to have his hands on her.
I saw red. Stalking over to where she was, I ripped her away from him and got in her face. “What the fuck are you doing?” I yelled at her.
The alcohol slowed her down. “J, honey, I was just telling him to take his hands off me, or else you’d kill him,” she slurred.
I met the dude’s eyes, “Get the fuck out of here!” I roared, and he shrugged and left. Yeah, smart move motherfucker.
“Thanks, baby,” she murmured, and leant in to me, rubbing her nose against my throat. Fuck, I was angry at her, and yet, my dick wanted her.
I pushed her off me. “I didn’t do that for you. I did that for him. Otherwise he would be fucking dead.”
Shock hit her face. “Are you mad at me?”
Christ, she really was gone. And in no state to sit on the back of my bike, so I pulled out my phone to call for backup. “I am so fucking mad at you right now, that it’s best if you don’t say another word,” I cautioned.
As I brought Scott up to speed on Madison’s whereabouts, she sidled back up to me, both her hands gripping my shirt. The smell of bourbon hit me in the face as she spoke. “Don’t be mad at me, J,” she slid one hand down to my crotch as she said this, and settled it on my dick, “Take me home and fuck me.”
I abruptly ended my call, and then, I picked her up off the ground and settled her away from me. “Don’t fucking test me, babe,” I seethed.
“Fine,” she pouted, and then started to walk towards the bar.
“Where the fuck are you going?” I growled.
“None of your business,” she threw over her shoulder, not stopping.
Scott hit the room and made eye contact with me before looking at Madison. He was as angry as I was. She had worked damn hard to kick this habit, and to see her back here was fucking devastating.
We both caught up with her at the same time. Scott was the first to talk. “It’s time to go,” he ordered.
She looked from him to me, and her eyes flashed annoyance. “No. I don’t want to leave. There’s too much shit out there, and I’d rather just stay here in my own little happy world.” She suddenly seemed sober.
“This is your happy fucking place?” I asked, incredulous.
She turned on me. “Yes, J. I like it here. Don’t know why I fucking left.”
Scott cut in. “Okay, you two, enough’s enough. We’re wastin’ time here arguing. You can do that at home,” he looked to me, “Just fuckin’ carry her out of here and be done with it, brother.”
He was right, so I picked her up, threw her over my shoulder and stalked out of the pub. Scott had his Charger here, so I deposited her in it, ignoring her grumbling about it. “I’ll meet you back at my house,” I said to him, and headed to my bike.
I was relieved at this point that Scott was taking her home. The anger and disappointment swirling in my gut would have only led to further arguments with her if I had been in that car. I hoped the ride home would help me clear my head enough to be able to have a conversation with her, rather than a screaming match. Alcoholism was something I struggled to understand, and this didn’t bode well for us.
&nbs
p; Chapter 23
Madison
I waited for it.
Whatever he was going to say about my drinking was nothing compared to what I was screaming at myself. At this point, I hated myself. Hated that I had let myself drink again.
He came into the house, and the energy instantly changed. Whereas Scott had been mad at me, J seemed to be filled with rage and disappointment. It was the disappointment that pierced my heart the most. To have a loved one disappointed in you, was one of the worst feelings in the world. I wanted to run from him, and never look back. Never have to experience the look he was giving me right now.
He and Scott exchanged words, and then Scott left, without saying goodbye to me. I didn’t care. All I cared about was what J was going to do next.
We stood there, looking at each other for what felt like eternity. I crossed my arms, as if by doing so, I could shield myself from him. He clenched and unclenched his fists, and I noticed the muscles in his neck twitch.
Finally, he spoke. “Why?”
Out of all the things to ask an alcoholic, that was maybe the one thing we never wanted to be asked. For me, anyway. Because, it was the one question that I just sometimes couldn’t answer. Or maybe, it was the one question I didn’t want to answer.
I sighed, and fell into the couch behind me, dropping my face into my hands.
“I asked you why!” his voice boomed throughout the room.
Shocked, I jumped in my seat. I looked up at him. “I don’t know.” My words were pathetic, and he knew it.
“That’s not a fucking answer, Madison. Tell me why.”
Fucked. I was fucked, this situation was fucked, and I wondered if J and I were fucked. Again.
Resentment at what was happening flared in me. I stood and came face to face with him. “Have you ever made a mistake in your life that you felt like you couldn’t come back from?”
“Yes.” That was all he said, but it was enough for me to run with.
“I don’t know if I can come back from what we did to Rob,” I admitted. Finally. It had taken me years to say those words.
He looked confused. “You haven’t had a drink in over two years, and then today you get drunk. Because of Rob?”
I shook my head. “Today wasn’t because of Rob directly, but can’t you see, J? Everything bad that has happened since then has been because we killed him.”
“I killed him. Not you. And I still don’t see what you’re saying.”
“You only killed him because of me. And then, because of that, I started drinking. We broke up. I dated Nix. And the shit we’re in now is because of all that!” I laid it all out for him. Why couldn’t he see it?
“Babe, your thinking is fucked up. I get what you’re saying, but it’s fucked up. Everything in life has a consequence. If we all started analysing shit like you are, we’d all be screwed.”
“Alcohol takes away the shittiness I feel in my soul about it all. I haven’t felt like that for a long time, but Mandy brought it all back to me today. In answer to your question, that’s why,” I threw at him.
“Not fucking good enough, babe. You could have come to me, talked it through - ”
I cut him off. He just didn’t get it; he probably never would. “I don’t want to talk about it, J! Talking doesn’t solve anything; the problems won’t go away just because we talked about it.”
He was pacing now, and running his hands madly through his hair. “I think you should go to bed. This is obviously not the right time for us to discuss this,” he said.
“Yeah, well when we discuss it again, perhaps you can start talking about your shit too!” I yelled, and turned to go to bed.
He reached out and grabbed my wrist, turning me back to him. He was livid again. “What shit would that be?” he fumed.
“Your fucking club shit that you keep to yourself!” I yanked my arm free, and stomped off to bed.
The next morning, I woke up alone in bed. J didn’t come to bed last night. My head was pounding and my heart was bleeding. I didn’t know where our argument had left us.
I showered and got ready for the day. I also wasn’t sure if I still had a job, because I had just left the shop in the middle of the afternoon. The house was so quiet, and I wondered if J had already left. It wouldn’t have surprised me if he had; in fact, I would probably pay good money right about now to not have him in the house.
When I made it out to the kitchen, I found a note on the bench. J had left early, on club business. I felt a reprieve, if only for a short time. But it gave me the space I needed to get my head together, and start sorting through all the crap in there.
I had some toast for breakfast and guzzled about two litres of water. I also popped a few painkillers to try and ease the massive headache I had. Christ, what a mess I had gotten myself in. I resisted the urge to call Serena or Blake; they didn’t need this shit dumped on them. I would deal with this myself.
My day took another dip in the crappy direction when I walked outside to go to work. Someone had slashed all the tyres on J’s Jeep. Fuck! Not what we needed! I called for a taxi and then called a mechanic to come and organise the replacement of all the tyres. J did not need to know about this; I would sort it out before he ever found out it had been done.
A couple of hours later, I was at work, my boss not even aware that I had left early yesterday. She hadn’t come in this morning, so I was able to get the shop in order so that she never even realised anything was wrong. At last, something was going my way. My headache was starting to ease, so that was another positive to my morning. At this point, I needed to count all the positives, otherwise I would drown in the negatives.
My senses went into overdrive when I heard the rumbling of a bike. Shit. J.
I took a peek outside, and sure enough, it was J. He cut the engine, yanked his helmet off, and strode into the shop.
“Do you care to tell me why there are men changing tyres on my Jeep?” he snapped.
I met his eyes, refusing to bow under his anger. “Oh, go to hell, J. I was trying to do you a favour.”
“I appreciate that, but why didn’t you call me?”
“It’s obviously because of me that they were slashed, so I wanted to pay for the damage.”
He took a deep breath, holding it in. Then he blew it out on a frustrated exhale. “That’s a problem for me,” he stated, his jaw clenching.
Oh, good god. What was his fucking problem now? “Why?” I maintained my calm.
“Babe, we’re together, are we not?”
“Yes, but - ”
“No buts. We’re together. So, when something like that happens, we handle it together.”
My stomach fluttered, and want pooled there. He had stunned me. “Okay,” I half whispered.
“Good,” he said, and then his features softened. “I’ve got a long day today, but I want us to talk tonight.”
I nodded, the fight gone from me. “Yeah, baby.”
He reached out and curved his arm around my waist, pulling me to him. “I love you,” he murmured, and his lips met mine in a hard kiss.
“I love you too,” I said, and then he was gone.
I watched him go, my thoughts and feelings in turmoil. J had not reacted at all how I thought he would. A glimmer of hope peeked out; maybe there was a chance for us after all.
Chapter 24
Madison
J arrived home after ten that night. I had been sleeping on and off, on the couch, waiting for him. He came into the house and headed straight into the bedroom. I waited silently for him to come back out; I had absolutely no idea where tonight’s conversation was headed.
“You’ve had dinner?” he said, as he came back into the lounge room.
“Yeah. I made you some if you haven’t eaten.”
He smiled at me, and I let that settle over me, and wrap itself around my heart. If we were going to get anywhere tonight, I would need to keep a hold of that. I feared we were in for another tense discussion.
�
�Thanks, baby. I ate with the boys, so I’ll put it in the fridge for tomorrow,” he said, as he went to the kitchen to take care of it.
I got up and followed him; the need to be near him overwhelming. He turned to me when he heard me enter the kitchen behind him. I stepped into his space, and wrapped my arms around him, inhaling his scent and brushing his neck with my lips.
A groan escaped his lips, and his arms encircled me too. He bent to lay a kiss on my head, and then he murmured, “I was so worried about you yesterday, and relieved when I found out you were okay. But babe, you scared the fuck out of me by drinking.”
I pulled away a little bit so that I could look into his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I think I scared myself too, and I’m so ashamed,” I admitted.
He reached his hand out to my chin, and held it gently; tenderly. “Don’t be ashamed. Okay? You need to move past this and that won’t help you. It was a bad day, and yeah, you didn’t handle it the best. But babe, we all have days like that. It’s how you handle it now, and the next time it happens, that counts. And, I need you to know that I am here for you. I want to be the person you turn to when shit gets real. Can you let me be that for you?”
The tears started falling, and I was helpless to stop them. I nodded, struggling to speak. Finally, the words came. “I thought you were going to leave me,” I said, quietly.
Pain flashed in his eyes. “Fuck, babe. No, that thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. Yeah, I was mad as hell at you, but this, what we’ve got here...this is for-fucking-ever. I love you no matter what you do. It’s unconditional for me.”
I sagged against him at those words; that promise. He would never know how much I needed to hear that, right now. “Thank you.”
“We’re going to have a lot more fights. You know that, right?” he said.