by Matt Adams
“Abraham Lincoln was a man of the people, a man for the people. He never could have existed without the great commonwealth of Kentucky,” Devine said in a statement disseminated to the media. “He started in our commonwealth to build a new world. In some respects, Kentucky is the original New World Common Wealth. We are the land of Lincoln’s New World Common Wealth.”
“The rhetoric from Kentucky is simply unbelievable,” Gillespie said, pointing out that the Kentucky territory was effectively taking credit for the New World Common Wealth. According to Gillespie, it’s “probably a good thing” that Lincoln wasn’t educated the Blue Grass State.
The territories weren’t finished with their sniping, either. Indiana steward Danielson repeatedly referred to the southern state as “Kaintuck” in a recent interview and inexplicably declared that he would advocate the annexation of Louisville and northern Kentucky if Illinois followed through on its threatened annexation of northwestern Indiana.
“This is a time to work together,” Gillespie said. “This isn’t a time to argue over rather trivial historical claims.”
When informed of Gillespie’s comments, Indiana steward Danielson responded by saying, “If Abraham Lincoln is ‘trivial,’ I’d hate to see what (Gillespie) considers important. Socialism, I’m betting.”
Indiana, Kentucky and Illinois are not the only states embroiled in strange disputes over historical facts. Ohio, Michigan and North Carolina are butting heads over the legacy of the Wright Brothers. Additionally, Indiana has declared it “owns the rights to John Wooden” because California no longer exists.
“I believe it’s going to be some time before our government is up and running effectively,” Gillespie conceded.
World News Today
May 3, 2011
Greg Sakowicz
Staff Writer
Multiple Options for Multiple Chaoses
War crimes, genocide, illegal genetic experimentation alleged
WASHINGTON – Colonel Chaos Prime now sits inside a containment cell at Heroic Legion Headquarters. Down the same hall, under even tighter security, sits Colonel Chaos Secunde.
That they are the same man is immaterial.
That they are accused of different crimes is not.
“This is an unprecedented case,” the Crusading Comet said during a news conference today in which he substituted for Samson Knight as spokesman for the Heroic Legion. “We have decided that our Colonel Chaos and the other Colonel Chaos must be tried separately, as they are separate entities.
“Both will appear before a Heroic Legion tribunal,” the Comet stated, garnering outraged shouts from a crowd gathered outside Heroic Legion Headquarters. “Once the Legion has laid out which crimes each Chaos is accused of, we will proceed to pursue this matter in cooperation with the provisional government.
“It is likely under these circumstances that our Colonel Chaos will only appear in front of the Heroic Legion tribunal. It is the opinion of myself and other members of the Legion that Colonel Chaos’s grief over his wife’s death put him in an unstable mental state. He is not blameless for these crimes and their outcomes, but we feel the extraordinary issues involved in this situation—including the apparent discovery of an alternate reality—make this a Legion matter.
“As for the second Colonel Chaos, the Heroic Legion will likely turn his case over to the provisional government once it is properly functioning. The second Colonel Chaos is charged with crimes against humanity, genocide, the use of weapons of mass destruction, intimidation, conspiracy and conspiracy to commit conspiracy.”
The Comet held up a thick file detailing the various crimes involving Chaos Prime and Chaos Secunde. Copies were not immediately distributed to members of the media, though the Heroic Legion said the documents would soon be available for public viewing.
“The New World Common Wealth caused a horrific ripple effect throughout our entire global community,” the Comet said. “Naturally, the people want justice. I promise you this: you will have justice. We will have justice.”
Washington Globe
October 10, 2011
Andrew Miller and Christopher Esposito
Staff Writers
Chaos Secunde Trial Features Fireworks, Pomposity
Self-styled dictator denies charges
WASHINGTON – Chaos reigned at the U.S. Capitol, site of a joint Heroic Legion/Provisional Government inquiry into the events leading to the New World Common Wealth.
In control was William Avery Fairborne, better known to the world as Colonel Chaos. Yet, in another confusing twist, it isn’t the William Avery Fairborne/Colonel Chaos so familiar to those who’ve watched him evolve from supervillain into heroic family man. At the same time, however, it is.
Tricky legal issues remained unresolved as Chaos Secunde appeared for the first day of proceedings convened to investigate his role in the Kiltech Incursion and the dissolution of the United States of America. As superheroes and council members alike pelted him with questions, Chaos deflected them with the guile of a polished, professional politician, often putting those asking the questions back on their heels.
When Daniel Wooster, former congressman from the former state of California, asked if Chaos had allowed the state of California to be destroyed, Chaos lambasted the questioner.
“Former Congressman Wooster. Ah, yes. I remember you. If I recall correctly, you were leading the charge out of California as soon as the Kiltechs made their ultimatum. I would think most leaders would’ve stayed to calm the people. Yet you fled for Region Eight, the New Mexico territory. A very brave man now, sitting in your lovely suit and tie. It appears you haven’t had to forage for food like those you left behind.”
Tongue-tied, Wooster couldn’t muster a response.
Ariana Glover, chairwoman of the provisional government council, met similar resistance when questioning the former New World Common Wealth leader about the events leading up to the Kiltech Incursion.
“Colonel Chaos, did you have any indication of the Kiltechs’ true intentions for our planet? Did you know they meant to harm us?” Glover asked.
Chaos coolly smoothed his graying temples before answering, “Chairwoman Glover, the Kiltechs invited me out for steaks at Ponderosa and told me in didactic detail about their plan to kill all our world leaders so that I could take over the world and then defeat them, cementing my power base.”
“The defendant is on record admitting he colluded with extraterrestrial forces,” Glover said. “Put that in bold print.”
“Chairwoman Glover, I take it you misplaced your sense of humor several centuries ago?” Chaos mocked.
“I’ll hold you in contempt,” Glover responded.
“You can hold me anytime,” Chaos said with a wink that seemed to disarm the chairwoman.
With council members faltering, Samson Knight, acting leader of the Heroic Legion, tried his hand at corralling Chaos Secunde.
“You may joke now, Colonel Chaos, but your situation is dire. You are accused of war crimes, killing innocents, engineering the destruction of an entire state,” Knight said. “You set the world on a path of fire and destruction. How do you answer on these charges?”
“They sound like something out of a comic book, Samson Knight,” Chaos said. He proceeded to lean back in his chair and prop his shackled feet up on his desk. “Besides, you and the other members of the Heroic Legion had your chance to stop me. Instead of working with me to disarm the Kiltech threat, you decided it best to work for me. You endorsed the New World Common Wealth.”
“That was a mistake,” Samson Knight said, clenching his gloved hands ever tighter.
“I made a mistake, too,” Chaos answered. “I thought the world would truly be a better place under the banner of the NWCW. I didn’t anticipate that the Heroic Legion would betray me by fomenting a rebellion. As far as I’m concerned, the New World Common Wealth is still in power. This is a mockery of justice by small-minded men and women.”
Sharp exchanges s
uch as those were typical of the first day of the tribunal, with Chaos Secunde deflecting questions about the Kiltech Incursion, the assassination of President Conrad (whom he referred to as an “admirable leech”) and the subjugation of the United States of America and countries across the globe.
“The previous system was unsustainable,” Chaos said when asked about his decision to enact a one-world government. “Your Colonel Chaos saw this, too. He had drawn up the plans and the infrastructure of the New World Common Wealth. Yet I was the one who made it a reality.
“It is amazing what you can accomplish when you’re not paralyzed by moping over the loss of a long-dead wife,” Chaos said in reference to the death of Miss Lightspeed in April 2000.
“You should thank the other Colonel Chaos for bringing me into this world. Had he been in charge when the Kiltechs invaded, you would all be languishing under alien rule while he sat in a bunker staring at a picture of his dead wife.”
That statement prompted Heroic Legion representative Crusading Comet to adjourn for the day, with Chaos mocking the crippled hero by calling him “Old One Arm.”
Day Two of the tribunal is scheduled for tomorrow. Colonel Chaos Prime, Crimsonstreak and Miss Lightspeed are expected to testify.
Washington Globe
October 11, 2011
Andrew Miller and Christopher Esposito
Staff Writers
Fairborne Family Takes Aim
Heroes clash with Colonel Chaos
WASHINGTON – For the second straight day, sparks flew at the former U.S. Capitol.
Colonel Chaos Prime, his wife Miss Lightspeed and their son Crimsonstreak confronted Colonel Chaos Secunde during his Provisional Council/Heroic Legion tribunal. As he had on the previous day, Chaos Secunde dominated the proceedings.
The tribunal called Colonel Chaos Prime to the stand first, with Provisional Government Chairwoman Ariana Glover asking him to recount his first meeting with the other Chaos.
“I had been experimenting with technology far beyond anything ever seen before,” Chaos Prime said, his wrists and ankles restrained. “In my desperation to bring back my wife, a quest I now sincerely regret, I encountered an alternate reality in which Miss Lightspeed was still alive. I pulled her into our world in hopes of making my family whole again.
“What I failed to realize was that she came from a world where the Fairborne family was cold and calculating. She pretended to be ‘my’ Karen, but she was just biding time for her husband to open his own gateway to our reality.”
During this explanation, Chaos Secunde was observed coughing loudly and sarcastically saying things like “sucker” and “moron” under his breath. Nonetheless, Chaos Prime pressed on.
“One day, Karen told me she had a surprise for me at my secret base in the Caribbean. I found this extremely interesting because I hadn’t told her about that particular installation, but she’s always been resourceful and intelligent; I figured she’d discovered it on her own. I accompanied her there, where a surprise indeed waited. He was six-foot-five, 240 pounds… a reflection of me with graying temples.
“As a team, they proceeded to jump me, and I tried to fight them off. They were too fast and too well prepared. I made it to my computer mainframe to lock down some of my vital projects, but I couldn’t hold out. Before I knew it, Chaos Secunde and his wife—who had amply proven that she was not my Karen—had imprisoned me within a stasis field like the one I built for Zeus Caesar all those years ago.”
The other Colonel Chaos clapped his hands at that, adding, “Don’t you see, distinguished ladies and gentlemen? Colonel Chaos managed to capture himself!”
Chaos Prime proceeded to tell the tribunal about how Chaos Secunde stole his plans for the New World Common Wealth and enacted them—with a distinctly sinister twist. He testified about seeing his research lab turned into a cloning facility and recounted his relief at the successful erasure of his son’s whereabouts from his computer archives.
The tribunal concluded Chaos Prime’s testimony by asserting that he had no role in the establishment of the NWCW and no hand in the events immediately before and after the Kiltech Incursion.
Chairwoman Glover then called Karen Jo Fairborne, a.k.a Miss Lightspeed, to the stand.
The Crusading Comet offered the first question: “What do you remember about the New World Common Wealth takeover?”
In a preview of things to come, Miss Lighstpeed answered that she had “no memory” of trapping her husband and admitted that she had a 10-year memory gap between her “death at the hands of Zeus Caesar” and her “resurrection at the hands of Zeus Caesar.”
She explained the concept of transformative quantum transference, which Chaos Secunde roundly mocked as “junk science.” He interrupted to suggest that Miss Lightspeed was “trying to fool the tribunal” just as she had “fooled Chaos Prime.”
As more questions went unanswered—all Lightspeed could offer as a response was “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure”—Chairwoman Glover dismissed her from the stand and called her son, Chris Fairborne, a.k.a. Crimsonstreak.
Councilwoman S.J. Biggs from Connecticut took the lead, asking Crimsonstreak about his relationship with his father.
“It’s been a blast,” the hero said flatly. “Dad and I are really tight, especially after he threw me in prison and then erased me from history. Real kudos for that, Pop.”
His answer garnered a rebuke from Biggs, who reminded him that the tribunal was a serious matter.
“Yeah, yeah. I know,” Crimsonstreak replied. “Look, the guy over there with the evil-looking sneer, the one who’s been talking over everybody else? That’s High Imperator Chaos. Dictatorial madman. Surveillance fanatic. Enforcer lover, California hater. The guy is evil. Just look into his eyes. There is nothing there but seething rage and hate.
“My father and I have had our issues, and for about 10 seconds, I let my anger cloud my judgment and thought that piece of work over there was really my dad. He’s not. He is literally nothing like my father. He is sadistic, manipulative and obsessed with power.
“My father has his own obsession, but power was never part of the equation. He was so consumed with bringing back my mother that he brought all this on us.”
At this point, Chaos Secunde allowed a broad grin to spread across his face. He interrupted again, saying, “See, councilors? The boy says his father is to blame for all of this. I think we can adjourn now.”
For the fifteenth time of the day, Chaos Secunde was threatened with contempt, but the charge was never formally levied.
“See?” Crimsonstreak said, jerking a thumb toward his interlocutor. “He’s just made of crazy. It’s not the kind of crazy that gets you off on the insanity defense, either. His is the purely evil crazy that declares war on people and destroys countries and kills innocents. The kind of crazy that deserves to spend the rest of his life in a stasis field while Will & Grace reruns play ad infinitum. I’m sorry if any of you are fans. I’m truly sorry, for a multitude of reasons, if that’s the case.
“Look, I spent most of his reign trapped inside the Clermont Institution for the Criminally Insane, but one of the first things I decided to do after getting out was make sure that nutcase lost his job as High Imperator. If we can send him back to his reality, great. Just make sure he doesn’t come back. If you can’t guarantee that, put him in stasis forever.”
“I move that we enact capital punishment,” Samson Knight broke in. The outburst appeared to take Crimsonstreak momentarily off guard, but he quickly regained his composure.
“That’s up to you guys to decide,” the super-speedster replied. “Just don’t ever, and I mean ever, let him out of your sight.”
After Crimsonstreak’s testimony, Chairwoman Glover adjourned the session and called for a three-day recess.
Washington Globe
October 26, 2011
Andrew Miller and Christopher Esposito
Staff Writers
Chaos Guilty, Tribunal C
ontemplates Punishment
Sentencing hearing to follow
WASHINGTON – The Provisional Council/Heroic Legion tribunal assembled to determine the fate of Chaos Colonel Secunde announced a guilty verdict for the former New World Common Wealth dictator.
In a dramatic display inside the former U.S. Capitol, Council Chairwoman Ariana Glover and acting Heroic Legion leader Samson Knight proclaimed Chaos guilty on all counts.
“On the charge of war crimes, guilty. On the charge of attempted genocide, guilty. On the charge of human rights violations, guilty,” Glover said, reading from a prepared document.
“Colonel Chaos, these are horrible crimes perpetuated by a man who simply appears not to care about his current predicament,” Knight said.
“How right you are,” Chaos Secunde interrupted, spurring an outburst of indignation in the court and prompting Knight to call for order.
“I will not have you and your aura of false superiority derail these just proceedings,” Knight countered.
“There is nothing ‘just’ about this trial, I assure you,” Chaos responded. “Your world has no laws regarding the appropriate treatment of a being not of your planet. As such, it is clear that my so-called ‘crimes’ should be the burden of your Colonel Chaos to bear. He is the cause of this, after all. Were it not for him, I would not be here. Surely, he must face punishment.”
“Colonel Chaos (Prime) will have his day in court,” Glover said.
“A fair trial, I suppose,” Chaos Secunde said. “I hope it truly is a fair trial for my contemporary. Somebody around here is entitled to one.”
The exchange left Glover visibly shaken, and Knight continued reading the charges against Chaos, who continued to interrupt with various challenges and tangents about the justice system and quantum mechanics while postulating what he would do if he were in charge of the tribunal.
Furious, Knight ordered Chaos gagged, an act that caused a brief scuffle involving the manacled dictator and two super-powered bailiffs chosen from the ranks of the Heroic Legion. The interruptions ended once the bailiffs succeeded in stuffing a ball of cloth in Chaos’s mouth.