by John Clarke
These students are not just letting the programme and the school down; they’re letting their teachers down, their parents down and their friends down. But more importantly, they are letting themselves down.
I expect some improvement over time but so far this is a disappointing response.
Starling, second from the left, bottom row, come and see me afterwards.
Iva Krapp-Daley
Co-ordinator
Book Club
The Secretary
The Wodda Packer-Galahs Institute
Wodda 3082
Dear Madam,
As you know, we have quite a number of your charges in the school. The association with your boarding establishment is one we value greatly and, as you know, some of our best students have come to us from a Packer-Galahs background.
Unfortunately, I write to outline some worrying developments in the school, which we think may perhaps originate in the home.
We have seen evidence for some time of collusion during tests conducted in the school, particularly in the maths and sciences area. Answers are often identical and even errors are sometimes replicated faithfully over entire classes. It is very difficult for us to assess the individual students properly in this atmosphere, and our claim to inculcate a strong sense of responsibility and self-sufficiency is consequently in some jeopardy.
I wonder if I could prevail on you to have a word with the students at your earliest convenience, and impress upon them the need to think for themselves, to finish their own work, and to compete against one another. This is the basis of our education system and, indeed, of our entire society.
Security cameras recently picked up the image attached, of one of our better female students talking to a male student during an algebra test. The boy, pictured right, who has hitherto proven rather a slow learner with an attitude problem, nevertheless appears to have topped the state in trigonometry, an honour he shares with the girl (left). This result, while gratifying, is of some concern given that collaboration is clearly at epidemic levels.
Yrs
Sue Pervisor
Curriculum Planning
St Expensives
Dear Mr and Mrs Kiddner,
As you may be aware, some gym equipment has gone missing in recent weeks from the storeroom at the rear of the pavilion. One of your sons was seen attempting to break into the storeroom, and I’m afraid that when questioned about what he was doing (he was supposed to be at orchestra practice) he said he was looking for ants. Why he would come up with such a pathetic explanation for his behaviour is not obvious to us. I’ve spoken to other staff members and no one reported any project involving a need for ants. When asked why he thought there might be ants under the storeroom, your boy said, ‘I could smell them.’
You may care to discuss this with us. The pilfering of school equipment is a very serious matter indeed and the ants story, which your young bloke seems to be sticking to, is little short of ludicrous.
Jim Teacher
Head of Phys Ed.
St Expensives
About the Author
John Clarke (29 July 1948 – 9 April 2017) was a writer and performer who provided the following account of his activities:
CLARKE, John, Dip Lid, PhD in Cattle (Oxen). Advisor and comforter to various governments. Born 1948. Educ. subsequently. Travelled extensively throughout Holy Lands, then left New Zealand for Europe.
Stationed in London 1971–73. Escaped (Decorated). Rejoined unit. Arrived Australia 1977. Held positions with ABC Radio (Sckd), ABC Television (Dfnct), Various Newspapers (Dcd), and Aust. Film Industry (Fkd). Went on to become a freelance expert specialising in matters of a general character.
Recreations: Whistling.
mrjohnclarke.com
Lorin Clarke is a writer and broadcaster.
lorinclarke.com
Also by John Clarke
Still the Two
A Dagg at My Table
The Tournament
The Howard Miracle
The 7.56 Report
The Even More Complete Book of Australian Verse
The Catastrophe Continues
A Pleasure to Be Here
textpublishing.com.au
The Text Publishing Company
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Copyright © Roderick Willows Pty Ltd 2017
Introduction copyright © Lorin Clarke 2017
The moral rights of John Clarke and Lorin Clarke to be identified as the respective author and introducer of this work have been asserted.
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright above, no part of this publication shall be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.
First published in 2017 by The Text Publishing Company
Sections of this book have previously been published in The Fred Dagg Scripts, first published by Thomas Nelson, 1981; Daggshead Revisited, first published by Thomas Nelson, 1982; A Complete Dagg, first published by Allen & Unwin, 1989; A Dagg at My Table: Selected Writings, first published by Hodder Moa Beckett, Auckland, 1996; and at mrjohnclarke.com.
Book design by Text
Front cover photograph © Stewart Thorn
Back cover photograph © Lisa Tomasetti
Typeset by J&M Typesetting
Illustrations on pp. 134–144 by Jenny Coopes
National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:
Creator: Clarke, John, 1948–2017, author.
Title: Tinkering : the complete book of John Clarke / by John Clarke ; introduced by Lorin Clarke.
ISBN: 9781925603194 (hardback)
ISBN: 9781925626247 (ebook)
Subjects: Clarke, John, 1948–2017. Comedians—Australia—Anecdotes. Comedians—New Zealand—Anecdotes. Authors—Australia. Authors, New Zealand. Wit and humor. Other Creators/Contributors: Clarke, Lorin, writer of introduction.