Operation: Golden Bum

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Operation: Golden Bum Page 6

by Tommy Donbavand


  The wizard and vampire stood back to back on the beach and then began to walk away from each other. Disgusto was counting with each step. “One … two … three…”

  Despite the sun, I shivered. I didn’t know what I would do if I lost Fangs.

  “Four … five … six…”

  Since working with Fangs at MP1, I’d been treated as an equal – not some hairy freak to be made fun of in the playground. Fangs was my best friend, and I was about to watch him die.

  “Seven … eight … nine…”

  On “nine”, Fangs spun round and tossed the ball of metal and glass that had once been his favourite pair of sunglasses into the air. It glinted in the sunlight as it rose and then fell. As it came back down, Fangs kicked it as hard as he could.

  “Ten!”

  Twenty paces away, the Great Disgusto pulled up his wizard’s robes, bent over and pointed his golden bottom at my boss. He was concentrating on guffing out the most powerful fart of his life – when the sunglasses wedged firmly in his bum.

  He turned and his eyes flew open in terror. The fart had started, but now it had nowhere to go! Trapped inside his body, the blast of gas doubled back on itself and began to eat away at its creator from the inside out.

  It was horrible to watch. Disgusto flung his arms out and screamed as his skin and flesh melted away, leaving behind a white skeleton wedged in the sand, the tattered remains of the wizard’s robes hanging loosely off its wasted bones. It looked exactly like the scarecrows Disgusto had created to stand around his hut.

  His golden bottom landed in the sand with a

  FLUMF!

  “Now that’s what I call letting one drop,” Fangs quipped.

  “That was incredible,” I cried. “But you didn’t use the chilli underpants?”

  “You don’t really think I’d trust my life to one of Cube’s inventions, do you?” said Fangs with a smile.

  “But how did you know the sunglasses would work?”

  Fangs Enigma – the world’s greatest vampire spy – arched an eyebrow. “Disgusto told us his magic was on the inside,” he said. “All I had to do was keep it there!”

  Monday 1411 hours: Atlantic Coast, Morocco

  The sails of the private yacht caught the breeze and billowed out, propelling the luxury craft through the clear water. One by one, dolphins leapt from the azure surf at the head of the boat, and then dived noiselessly back beneath the surface of the water.

  On the deck, a young werewolf on a sunlounger was turning a page of her book when one of her front teeth lit up blue and Fangs Enigma’s voice echoed out through their private intercom.

  “What do you think, Puppy?” he asked. “Didn’t I tell you this would be the most relaxing way to travel home?”

  Puppy Brown glanced over her shoulder to where Fangs was standing at the yacht’s steering-wheel, drinking champagne with a brunette beauty in a bikini. Puppy couldn’t complain about the extra company – the girl had been the sales person in Los Christianos who had taken the Great Disgusto’s golden bottom in exchange for this magnificent boat. Fangs had, of course, been delighted when she had agreed to come along for the trip.

  “It doesn’t get better than this, boss,” Puppy said, “although I could do with another orange juice.” Puppy picked up a bell and rang it. A few moments later, a gnome dressed in a waiter’s outfit appeared.

  “Hip Hop,” the werewolf said, “could I get a top up, with extra ice this time?”

  The gnome swore beneath his breath. “Yo, yo,” he rapped. “You can’t order me around. Can’t tell me what to do. Can’t make me serve you. And the vampire too!”

  Puppy smiled sweetly. “Actually, we can. We offered you a deal, remember? Work your passage back to the UK and go free, or don’t and we’ll stick you in a cell at MP1 Headquarters with Zed.”

  Hip Hop swallowed his anger and picked up Puppy’s empty glass.

  The werewolf had just settled back into her book when her tooth lit up blue again.

  “Agent Brown,” gurgled the voice of Phlem. “Where are you? I was expecting you back at HQ this morning.”

  Puppy glanced up at Fangs and his new friend and smiled. “Agent Engima needs time to question a new witness, so we’re taking the long way home.”

  “Very well,” grumbled the slime beast. “I just wanted to make sure that you and Fangs had wrapped up the case with the Great Disgusto.”

  “We got to the bottom of it, sir,” said Puppy. “And it was a stinker!”

  Test your secret-agent skills with these puzzles!

  Spot the Difference (There are eight to spot.)

  Fart Facts

  Do you know these guff-tastic fart facts?

  Which animals are the fartiest on the planet?

  A) Cows

  B) Termites

  C) Flamingos

  Can you name a couple of animals that don’t fart at all?

  Answers

  Fart Facts

  Many people believe that cows fart the most, but in fact termites pass more gas. (We don’t know how much flamingos fart – perhaps you can do some research and find out!) Camels, zebras and sheep are also parp-tastic.

  Creatures that don’t parp include sponges, jellyfish and some types of worm.

  UNLOCK SECRET MISSION FILES!

  Want to gain access to highly classified MP1 files?

  Complete the crossword below, and then

  enter the password (the letters in the grey boxes) at WWW.FANGSVAMPIRESPY.CO.UK/MISSION1

  Across

  2. What type of food appears on Cube’s gadget underpants? (6)

  4. Who is the head of MP1? (5)

  6. What does Puppy Find On Hip Hop’s cap? (3)

  8. Name a type of mushroom. Hint: it’s mentioned in this book. (8)

  10. What is Puppy’s Favourite drink? (6, 5)

  Down

  1. What is the Great Disgusto’s dentist called? (7, 5)

  3. Name Disgusto’s mini henchman. (3, 3)

  5. What fish are in Disgusto’s pool? (7)

  7. Where is the casino? (5, 5)

  9. What does Fangs use to defeat Disgusto? (10)

  11. What colour is Zed’s boat? (5)

  12. Who is the British prime minister in the Fangs books? (4, 5)

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or, if real, used fictitiously. All statements, activities, stunts, descriptions, information and material of any other kind contained herein are included for entertainment purposes only and should not be relied on for accuracy or replicated as they may result in injury.

  First published in 2013 by Walker Books Ltd

  87 Vauxhall Walk, London SE11 5HJ

  Text © 2013 Tommy Donbavand

  Illustrations © 2013 Cartoon Saloon Ltd

  The right of Tommy Donbavand to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or stored in an information retrieval system in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, taping and recording, without prior written permission from the publisher.

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: a catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN 978-1-4063-5140-8 (ePub)

  www.walker.co.uk

  www.fangsvampirespy.co.uk

 

 

 


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