by Lucy Gordon
‘But maybe she’ll need our help.’
‘She’s dead to me,’ Helen said stonily. She rose and kissed Dee’s cheek. ‘You are my only daughter now. Remember that.’
She stalked out of the room, followed by Joe.
‘I’m going out,’ Mark said. ‘I need to get drunk.’
‘Let me come with you. We’ll get drunk together.’
She had no intention of drinking, but she wasn’t going to turn him loose upon the world in his present state. Taking him firmly by the hand, she led him out of the house. She, too, was in shock, but she’d had time to think about things on the way home. Mark was still stunned. When he spoke, it was in short, jerky sentences.
‘How long has it been going on?’ he asked.
‘I…can’t say,’ she said, not entirely truthfully.
‘Tell me,’ he said violently. ‘Don’t spare my feelings. I want to know the truth, however bad.’
The truth was that Sylvia had been playing them off against each other for at least two months, perhaps longer. Dee had encountered Philip Mason once, a burly man in his thirties, pleasant enough but uninspiring. How Sylvia could have preferred him to the dashing Mark baffled her.
‘It was a few weeks,’ she said vaguely.
‘And I thought she loved me. I respected her, do you know that? I thought she was a decent girl and I didn’t…well, anyway, I respected her. And all the time she was…well…’
They walked on in silence for a while. Dee had tucked her hand into the crook of his arm and kept it there determinedly, lest he escape and do something that might harm him.
‘Don’t brood about it,’ she begged. ‘It can’t do any good now.’
‘It might teach me to be more wary of girls another time. How everyone will laugh at me.’
To comfort him, she denied it, but her words were hollow. Their performance at the party would help only for a short time. The truth would soon seep out.
‘They don’t matter,’ she said urgently. ‘You must thumb your nose at them. All they need to know is that you and Sylvia have split up-’
‘Because she preferred someone else.’
‘No, she pretended to prefer someone else because she knew you’d lost interest.’
‘Who’ll believe that?’
This was what Dee had been preparing for, when she must risk everything on one throw of the dice. To the last moment she wasn’t sure if she had the nerve, but then she took a deep breath and threw her fate to the winds.
‘Everyone will believe it,’ she said, ‘if you’re seen with another girl.’
‘But how can I do that to any girl-deceive her into thinking I’m interested when I’m just playing a part?’
‘But if she already knew the truth, you wouldn’t have to deceive her,’ Dee pointed out.
‘But who would-?’ He stopped as her meaning started to get through to him. ‘Are you saying that you’d be willing to-?’
‘It can’t be anyone but me,’ she said. ‘You said once I was your best friend. Well, friends help each other out. One day I’ll ask you to do something for me.’
‘Is that a promise?’ he demanded harshly. ‘Because I must give you something back.’
‘It’s a promise.’
‘I still don’t understand. How do we go about this?’
‘Look down that road,’ she said, pointing. ‘Those three people coming this way were at the party. Now they’re turning into The Dancing Duck, so we’ll go there, too.’
‘They’ll be our first audience,’ he said, catching her mood.
‘That’s right. They’re looking at us. Put your arm around my shoulders-that’s it! Are you ready?’
‘Quite ready. Sound the bugles! Forward march!’
Defiantly, they raised their heads and walked on into battle.
Eyes turned towards them as they went into the public house. Apparently unaware, they found a corner table and sat talking quietly while he sipped a beer and she an orange juice.
She knew, because Sylvia had told her, that they had often come here together, sometimes alone, sometimes in a group of their friends, the very ones who were glancing at them now, while trying to seem as if they weren’t.
‘Come to think of it, there was always something slightly wrong between us,’ Mark brooded. ‘She was so beautiful and I wanted her like mad, but we never seemed to talk about much. Not that we needed much talking, but when we did-I don’t know-there was nothing there. I kept meaning to back away, but then she’d give me that look and I’d melt.’
‘I know,’ she said softly.
‘You do?’
‘I saw you melt.’
‘Yes, you don’t say much, but you see a lot more than most people, don’t you? You saw what a fool I was.’
‘You weren’t a fool,’ she insisted. ‘Everyone gets carried away by their feelings sometimes.’
‘Not you, I’ll bet,’ he said with a faint friendly grin.
‘I’m just eighteen; there hasn’t been time,’ she said with an air of primness.
‘That’s not the reason. You’ve got your feet on the ground, not like the rest of us.’
My feet aren’t on the ground, she thought. I’m floating on air because I’m with you. If only I could risk telling you, but I can’t because you’d run a mile.
Instead, she spoke brightly, sounding confident. ‘All right, I’m sensible and I know what I’m doing, so you listen and take my advice.’
‘Yes, ma’am.’
‘Stretch your arm a little way across the table so that your hand’s close to mine, but not touching.’
He did so.
‘Inch your fingers just a little bit further.’
‘As though I was longing to touch you but didn’t dare,’ he suggested.
‘That’s right. You’ve got the idea.’
He did it perfectly, fingers almost brushing hers, drawing back quickly, then venturing forth again. She wondered how often he’d done this for real, teasing a girl into thinking that he was her humble suppliant, and involuntarily gave a small choke of laughter.
‘What’s so funny?’ he asked. ‘Aren’t I doing it right?’
‘Perfectly. In fact, too perfectly. This is how you get the girls to like you, isn’t it? Make them think you’re meek and hesitant, and they’re in control.’
‘You are in control,’ he pointed out.
‘But you’re not trying to win my heart. I mean the others. I’ll bet it works with them.’
He grinned. ‘Sometimes. Some like it that way, some like a man to seem more dominant. I have to vary it.’
‘You’re a cheeky so-and-so,’ she said.
‘That’s another approach that pays dividends,’ he admitted. ‘All right, all right, I know we’re only play-acting. I’m not aiming to win dividends from you, I promise. I wouldn’t dare.’
‘Just don’t forget that,’ she said, trying to sound stern.
At the same moment they both burst out laughing. Heads turned at the sight of Mark Sellon having such a good time with Sylvia’s sister, then nodded wisely. Aha! Perhaps that was the reason Sylvia had vanished.
‘Permission to touch your fingers,’ Mark murmured.
‘Just a little.’
His fingertips brushed hers, withdrew, advanced again, paused, withdrew.
‘Don’t overdo the meek bit,’ she advised.
‘I’m nervous. I fear your rejection.’
She choked again. ‘Stop it,’ she said in a quivering voice. ‘I can’t keep a straight face. You don’t do “nervous” very convincingly. It doesn’t come naturally to you.’
For answer, he took her hand in his, letting them lie together on the table.
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I feel happier holding your hand. I’m not sure I could cope without you. I’m just so confused by all this-’
His grip tightened suddenly. Dee didn’t speak, but grasped him in return, knowing it was the only comfort that would get through to him now. He smiled and n
odded to say he understood, and they stayed like that in silence until he said, ‘Let’s go. Getting drunk doesn’t seem like such a good idea any more.’
Hand in hand, they rose and headed for the door.
‘They’re watching us,’ she murmured.
‘Then let’s give them something to watch,’ he said, pulling her close and laying his mouth on hers.
It was gentle, not passionate; a kiss for show, with just enough there to tell the onlookers what they wanted to know, then it was over and he escorted her out.
‘You didn’t mind my doing that?’ he asked as they walked away.
‘No, it was very clever,’ she assured him breathlessly. ‘Just what we needed to finish the show.’ With an effort, she assumed a comically lofty tone. ‘I thought we did that rather well.’
‘So do I. In fact, I think I can hear applause.’
As one, they stopped and took elaborate bows to an unseen audience. People walking in the street hurried to the other side, well away from this alarming pair.
‘You see that?’ she said. ‘They think we’re mad.’
‘How could anybody think that?’ he demanded dramatically.
‘Anyone who knows us, I imagine.’
He tightened his arm around her, not to kiss her now, but to lean sideways and let his cheek rest against her hair.
‘Yes, they don’t know the half of it,’ he agreed.
‘But at least we’re mad together. We have that.’
‘It’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane right now.’
At her doorway, he stopped, saying, ‘Let me take you out somewhere tomorrow night.’
‘Yes, we must be convincing.’
‘No, that’s not the reason. I want to thank you for everything you’re doing. I don’t know how you put up with me.’
‘I work hard at it.’
‘Good. Don’t stop. Tomorrow night, then.’
‘Actually, I can’t,’ she said with dismay. ‘I’m working tomorrow night, and every night until the end of this week.’
‘You’re not trying to dump me already, are you? At least it took Sylvia four months to get fed up with me.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ she chuckled. ‘I’m on duty at the hospital. I’m a working woman.’
‘Then I’ll wait on your pleasure. Let me know the first night you can manage.’
He hesitated, and for a blissful moment she thought he would kiss her. And he did. But only on the tip of her nose. Then he walked away, fast.
Dee entered the house quietly, hoping that her parents would have gone to bed, but they were still up. To her relief, they greeted her calmly and Helen had softened towards Mark.
‘I was a bit hard on him, wasn’t I? It’s not his fault. Is he all right?’
‘He’s coping. I’m trying to help him,’ Dee said. ‘But he needs time. I’m going to bed now. Goodnight.’
She hurried away, unable to endure any more talking. She wanted to be alone with her memories of the evening. Mark’s heart was still Sylvia’s, and she knew she was a long way from the fulfilment of her dream. But for a while she’d had him to herself, enjoyed his whole attention, felt his lips on hers.
In bed she snuggled down, pulling the blankets over her head so that the world was reduced to this tiny space where she could relive his kiss again and again, and dream of the time when it would be truly meant for her.
‘One day,’ she whispered. ‘One day soon-please-’
She was young enough to believe that if she desired something fiercely enough she could make it happen. Wasn’t he already half hers? It was just a question of being patient. She was smiling as she fell asleep.
For the next few days she saw him only briefly as he arrived for work in the garage. Her hours were full as her duties increased. Although still technically a student, she was at the top of her class and often assigned to extra duties around the hospital. These were always carried out under the eagle-eye of her superiors, but she was trusted more than any of the others, due to Mr Royce’s recommendation. He seldom praised her to her face. But she came to realise that he expressed a high opinion of her to others.
When she tried to thank him, he was polite but reserved.
‘You must all become the best nurses in the world,’ he said, ‘because you’ll soon be needed.’
‘You really believe there’ll be a war?’
‘Certainly I do. And so does every thinking person. Now get to work and pass those exams in style.’
From Sylvia there was no word, but one evening, as she was leaving for work, she found a letter for her at the reception desk. It had been delivered by hand.
I dare not write to you at home, in case Mum finds the letter first and tears it up. I know Mum will say I’m a disgrace to the family, and Dad will agree with her because he always does. But perhaps I can explain to you, make you understand.
You’re wondering how I could ever have left Mark, aren’t you? You see, I know how you feel about him. It was there in your eyes when you weren’t guarding them.
I did once think I was in love with him. Any girl would feel that. He’s good-looking, charming and fun. They were all after him and I felt proud that he’d chosen me. But then things went wrong. He seemed to feel that he had the right to do as he liked and never mind anyone else. He didn’t mean to be selfish but he’s made that way. If he wanted to flirt, he flirted. If I showed that I minded, I was ‘making a fuss about nothing’.
On New Year’s Eve, when you saw me fooling around with other lads, I was only trying to make Mark jealous. Even back then he was too sure of me. I thought it wouldn’t hurt him to know he’s not the only man in the world, but it didn’t really work because he’s so self-confident.
Do you remember that talk we had one night, when I said that there were other men who wanted me? I think I already knew that Phil was the one. I know he’s married, and it’s wrong. I’m a ‘bad girl’. But he’s kind and gentle, and he loves me. He tries to please me because it matters to him that I’m happy. Mark never cared in that way.
There was one final paragraph that stood out starkly.
Be careful, my dear. Don’t let Mark hurt you, which he could do very easily. I was lucky. I saw through him, but you might not. Love him a little, if you must, but don’t give him your whole heart. He won’t know what to do with it.
Dee couldn’t read any more. Inside her was a storm of confused feelings. Selfish. Inconsiderate. Self-centred. That was how Sylvia saw Mark, and it wasn’t true. How could she say such things? They weren’t true!
Then the real reason came to her. Sylvia was simply trying to justify herself at Mark’s expense. The relief was enormous. Of course he wasn’t anything like that.
But you were, my darling. In some ways, you were like two men. One was the man who behaved so generously over the ruined bike, and was so tender and kind to Billy.
The other man was exactly as Sylvia had described. And why not? You were twenty-three and far too handsome for your own good, never mind anyone else’s. You looked like a film star, people treated you like a film star, and so you acted like a film star. It’s amazing that you were as kind and sweet-tempered as you were.
I didn’t see it, of course. These days, a girl of eighteen can be sophisticated, but in those days you were still practically a child, under your parents’ authority. I was far too immature myself to recognise immaturity in you, or I might have noticed that Sylvia’s actions hurt your pride more than your heart. I thought you were perfect, and I tried to forget what she’d said about you.
But I couldn’t. Now and then there’d be a moment when I saw what she’d been talking about, despite how much I loved you.
Why are you sleeping so restlessly? Are you having those troubled dreams again? You haven’t had them for years, but I suppose the party tonight brought it all back. There, there! Let me make it better, like I did before. You always said there was no one like me to help you fight the nightmares.
Hush, my darling!
I’m here…I’m here.
CHAPTER SIX
ONE night in March, when Mark was to take her out for supper, she arrived home from work, expecting to find him.
‘He’s not here,’ her father said. ‘I had to give him the day off.’
‘But where has he gone?’
‘I don’t know. He wouldn’t say. Very mysterious, he was. But he wants you to meet him at that new café down the road, and he says you’re to wear your best dress.’
On winged feet she flew down the street, bursting into the café and looking around for him eagerly.
He wasn’t there.
Never mind. Soon. Just be patient. She ordered a pot of tea and settled down to wait and plan. Between work and studying her schedule was heavy, but still she could count on an outing with him once a week, to maintain their pretence. And she would use that time to win his heart, so that gradually she would become his real girlfriend and then…perhaps…
Be sensible. You’re not a lovelorn dreamer. You’re Nurse Parsons, top of the class, probably Matron Parsons one day.
But who wanted to be sensible? With a little female cunning, it could all be made to happen just as she wanted. She began to feel like the scheming, adventurous women of history. Messalina, Delilah, Cleopatra; they had nothing on her. Soon Mark would sigh at her feet.
Or at least he might if he were here.
She had to wait an hour for him, but her heart soared when she saw his expression. He was lit up, brilliant with excitement. He rushed over, planted a kiss on her mouth, then settled in the seat opposite, holding her hands in his and almost shaking them in his eagerness.
She could have wept with joy to think that a meeting with her could do this to him.
‘I can’t tell you-’ he said, almost stammering. ‘If you only knew-all the way here I’ve been thinking what to say-’
‘To say what?’ she begged, inwardly singing.
‘I’ve done it at last. It came over me suddenly that this was the perfect time. I lay awake all last night planning it, and this morning I asked your father for the day off.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I’ve done it. I’ve joined up.’
‘You’ve-what?’