The First to Know

by Abigail Johnson

  “When do I get to come see you play?”

  “Oh, um...” My nerves jangled to life. He couldn’t. One look at Dad, and it would be over. Brandon and I shared some traits, sure, but not all, and our genders blurred the resemblance even further. But Brandon and Dad? I wouldn’t be able to hide the relationship. I would lose everything.

  “To be honest, I think having you there might make me nervous.”

  “I’ve seen you hit, Dana. You don’t seem like the nervous type.”

  “Games are different,” I said, inventing as I went along. “I’ve only let one guy come watch me, and the first time he showed, my team still lost.”

  Chase turned his head. “So it’s a superstition thing?”

  Okay, sure. “Yes.”

  “What about the guy?”

  “Nick? We’ve been friends since eighth grade.” I started to smile, but my mouth had barely lifted when it died. Based on the way he’d fled from me on Tuesday and hid from me all that day at school, I didn’t know if I could call him my friend anymore. That thought made the ice cream in my stomach sour. I still hadn’t talked to Nick. His new job had him working after school, and me showing up at the café where he’d be forced to wait on me... No, I wouldn’t do that to him on top of everything else. Remembering his face the day before... He’d looked at me like I’d ripped his still-beating heart from his chest and crushed it in my fist. My own heart constricted at the memory. “You’d like him,” I told Chase, trying to distract myself from a situation I couldn’t even try to fix until tomorrow at school.

  Chase angled himself toward me. “This is new, you and me, but I like you, Dana.”

  My heart, already hurting over Nick, lurched at his words. We’d gone out only a few times, but I already liked Chase way too much. I’d liked him too much that first night, and every time I saw him, it got worse...because it got better.

  “So do me a favor and tell me, okay?”

  There were so many ways that question could be interpreted, and sweat prickled my skin thinking of my options. “Tell you what?”

  “When you’re ready for me to see you play.”

  Chapter 20

  Nick had been at school on Wednesday, but he skipped Biology, so I only caught a glimpse of him between classes. For the first time all year, I was the one tracking him down and waiting outside his classes. I’d never thought about what a pain in the butt that was. Apart from our first period and Biology, the distance between our classes was almost comically far. On Thursday, I had to run, full-out, to be in place by his second-period class before him. Shame hit me anew as I rubbed out a stitch in my side waiting for him. He’d done this for me all the time, in fact most days, and he’d never complained or suggested we take turns.

  I realized then, panting and slightly sweaty in the hallway, how much I’d taken our friendship for granted. Not just Nick meeting me between classes or cheering at my games. He’d been there to help me with all the DNA Detective stuff, from fielding my endless questions about the process to helping me brainstorm a covert way to test my dad. That whole week before the results came, I’d put Nick in a situation that made him uncomfortable over and over again because I knew he’d let me. And when I’d insisted I’d found my grandfather and he’d raised totally legitimate reservations, afterward I’d frozen him out rather than admit he was right. All this time, I’d convinced myself that I had to wait for Nick to make the first move so that I wouldn’t trample him in a relationship, when, in reality, I already was.

  I slumped into the wall at my back, ignoring the people brushing past me, unable to escape the heavy, slimy rocks that had taken up residence in my gut. I’d been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I’d barely asked him what was going on in his life. I didn’t even know if he liked his new job, or if Jessalyn was letting her supervisor position go to her head. For months I’d cared only about things that directly connected to me, and that made me scummier than the slime coating my stomach.

  Nick saw me as soon as he rounded the corner. I was used to him singling me out in a crowd, and usually he smiled and/or blushed the second we made eye contact. But not this time. This time, he actually shuffled back a few steps, as if being thirty feet away from me was too close. I couldn’t blame him, even though the sight added spikes to the rock inside me.

  Nick hesitated as the throngs of students around us began to thin, until at last he started walking forward. Closer, closer, his gaze fixed just above my head, until he was near enough for me to realize he was going to walk right into his class without stopping. My eyes stung, and my throat became so thick that I could barely get his name out.

  “Nick.”

  His eyes lowered that fraction of an inch until they met mine. I flinched, cringing inside. He looked so...so...miserable.

  “The bell is about to ring. I can’t be late.” There was no life in his voice, none. I wanted to sink into the floor.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay—I get it. You don’t have anything to be sorry about.” He glanced into the classroom, practically twitching to get to his seat—or away from me. My throat closed so completely that I had to swallow twice before I could talk again.

  “I do,” I said, more than he knew. “Can we—can we talk at lunch?”

  He wouldn’t look at me. “I can’t. I have to make up that Biology quiz I missed yesterday.”

  He’d skipped class, probably to avoid sitting next to me for an hour. My heart sped up, reaching a lurching gallop in my chest. “Then after school, after practice. I’ll come anywhere.”

  “I work right after school.”

  “Then I’ll meet you at Mostly Bread. I’ll—”

  For the first time ever, Nick cut me off. “It’s always really busy.”

  I fought to keep my eyes from welling up. The hall was nearly empty by then. One kid was running past us to make it to his class on the opposite end. The bell would ring any second. “I should have told you about a lot of things,” I said in a rush. “And the only reason I didn’t is because I’m selfish and I’m a coward. Our friendship has been one-sided for so long, you giving, me taking. I’ve been awful to you and I’m so, so sorry.”

  “In or out, Mr. Holloway?” his teacher called, reaching for the doorknob.

  I looked at Nick, my eyes wide and pleading until his lowered. I knew my fate before he said it.

  “In.”

  My legs were as leaden as my heart as I walked away from his class. That was it. Over. Nick had literally shut the door in my face. I could keep trying, hound him at lunch or trail him between classes. I could follow him to work, where he’d be forced to take my order, if nothing else. I could wear him down, force him to hear me out, but that would just be me asserting my will over his again. I wouldn’t do that to him anymore, even as the thought of losing him for good had my chin quivering.

  I was already late to my class, so I didn’t care that snails could have outstripped me as I pushed open the door to the stairwell.

  “Dana?”

  My heart shot into my throat at the sound of Nick’s voice. I turned my head and saw him jogging toward me.

  “What about your class?”

  He held up a yellow slip of paper. “My first bathroom pass of the year. I have three minutes.”

  I wasn’t going to waste a single second. “Nick, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not listening to you, for lying to you, for treating you like you needed to be more than you already are.” Pain was blossoming in my chest as I went on, realizing I’d done to him what my dad had done to me—set these arbitrary goals for him to complete, before I...what? Bestowed my favor on him? I looked up at the ceiling, blinking away tears that pounded to be set free before turning back to Nick. “I’m sorry I made you feel like less. You are completely and wonderfully amazing. And I’m not half the friend you are to me,
but if you’ll let me, I really want to try.”

  Nick didn’t respond. Just as fear that he was going to turn me down sent the rocks in my belly spinning, he did something so much worse.

  Where my hand still rested on the door lever, he slid his over top. The movement was jerky, like he had to fight his innate shyness for every inch to reach out and touch me. And it wasn’t a commiserating kind of touch either. His fingers tried to wrap around mine.

  My eyes lowered shut, blocking out the hopeful lift of his mouth. How had I screwed this up too? My stomach bottomed out as I drew my hand free. “Nick...” But he was already leaping away.

  “I’m sorry!”

  I hurried after him. “No, it’s my fault. I didn’t say it right. Wait!” I darted in front of him. “Please don’t go. I want to talk to you about this. I should have before now, but I...was being selfish.” I lowered the hands I’d held up to stop him. He looked like he was willing to split himself in two to get around me. The acid sloshing in my stomach showed me exactly what that would feel like. “Actually, I’m still being selfish. If you want to go, you should go. But I’m the one who’s sorry. You don’t have a single thing to apologize for.”

  When he didn’t immediately bolt, I pressed on.

  “You might be the best person I know.” Might, nothing. “And you’re smart and kind, and I want to feel the same way back—I want it so bad...” I couldn’t blink fast enough to keep the tears from welling in my eyes. “Please don’t hate me, not for that.”

  Nick’s face was as blotchy as a Samoan guy’s could get, but he wasn’t hiding from me. And he wasn’t running. “I could never hate you. And I knew that you didn’t—that you don’t—I know. I knew before I heard you say that there was someone else.”

  I already feel more for him than I ever will for Nick—that’s what he’d heard me say about Chase. My heart stopped in my chest and seemed to refuse to start again.

  A small line of ants abandoned a sticky puddle of soda someone had spilled in the hallway and marched their way over the toe of Nick’s sneaker. He didn’t kick them off or jump away or anything; he just lowered his head. “It’s okay.”

  It wasn’t remotely okay. My chin was quivering again, and I wanted to bend down and flick every last ant off for him. “I should have told you.”

  Still ignoring the ants, he said, “Yeah.”

  “Can we—can we still be friends?”

  Nick flinched at the f-word. “Is it okay if I say no?”

  The air whooshed out of me.

  “Maybe not forever, but for now, okay?”

  I nodded frantically. It was either that or cry. He’d feel like he had to stay if I cried. The ants had made their way to my shoes now, flip-flops. “Sure.”

  “It’s just that—”

  “You don’t have to explain.”

  He looked up, met my gaze for half a second before lowering his again. “I should get back.”

  I tried to smile. “Yeah, no. Go.”

  I watched him trudge back to his class, then disappear inside.

  I stood there until the last ant left.

  Chapter 21

  Selena was sitting on my bed watching TV with a bowl of popcorn when I got home. Mom and Dad were sequestered behind their office doors, and from the snippets of conversation I’d heard, they were still trying to figure out what to do about Selena.

  She didn’t glance away from the TV when I came in. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I said. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, and it was another sister perk that I knew Selena wouldn’t make me. I stretched out my legs as I joined her on my bed, then added another “Hey!” when I saw the boxes and luggage piled on the floor. “What the fresh hell is this?”

  Selena rolled onto her side, glanced at her stuff, then rolled back. “Oh yeah. That’s my stuff.”

  “Okay, but what’s it doing in my room?”

  Trickling a fistful of popcorn into her upturned face, Selena said, “I think you mean our room.”

  I slid off the bed and backed toward the door, not taking my eyes off Selena. “Mom. Mom! Can you come up here?” Selena picked up the remote—my remote—and raised the TV volume. “Mom!” I called again.

  “What?” Slow footsteps trudged up the stairs. “And no more yelling in the house ever.” Mom stopped in the doorway of my room, looked in, saw Selena, then looked at me. “What is the problem?”

  “She’s moving home? She’s moving into my room?”

  Mom rubbed her eyes. “They don’t let nonstudents stay in dorms.” She extended an arm toward Selena. “Nonstudent.”

  “Yeah, but—” Selena was still munching popcorn on my bed and dropping the occasional kernel on the bedspread. “That’s it? No warning? No conversation? I just come home and find that you guys have moved all her stuff into my room?”

  “When you go out despite being grounded, yeah, pretty much.” She kissed my cheek. “Don’t you girls stay up too late.”

  I gaped at her retreating back, then turned to my sister. “This is part of your big dream to make it as a singer? Moving back home and sharing a room with your little sister?”

  Her response was monotone. “Yeah, Dana. It’s a real fairy-tale kind of moment for me—can you try not to ruin it?”

  I let my knees buckle as I groaned up at the ceiling. “Come on. What did you think was going to happen? They’d be happy, excited, offer to pay for your apartment in Nashville?”

  Selena didn’t say anything.

  “No way. They don’t let people that dumb into college.”

  Flicking off the TV, Selena moved to sit on the corner of my bed. “Hey, I’m good. And despite what they—” she pointed down to where we could hear Mom and Dad’s muffled conversation “—think about Gavin, he knows his stuff and he’s not playing me. If you guys would listen to me sing my own music, you’d see that.”

  “Fine, but why now? What is so urgent that you can’t get your degree first? You’d have a good shot of them supporting you then—better than good.”

  Selena pulled up her legs. “I’m ready. Singing and writing—I’m good at this, and I don’t want to waste more of my life and tuition on something I’m never going to pursue.” Her eyes were glassy. “I don’t want to be or do anything else—why should I have to wait?”

  I joined her on the bed and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, since she looked ready to cry. In the most understanding voice possible, I said, “But what if you’re really crummy and everyone in Nashville hates you?”

  She burst out laughing, all trace of impending tears gone. “I forgot how much I hated sharing a room with you.”

  In that same soothing voice, I said, “I didn’t.”

  She laughed again. “This is just temporary. I am going to Nashville. Maybe not right away, but I am going.”

  I sighed. “Good, because sharing a room was bad enough when we were little. Wouldn’t you rather have the futon in the office?”

  “Seriously? Mom and Dad are in there constantly. And besides, your bed is huge.”

  “Yeah, but I like to do cheer routines in my sleep. What if I accidentally reindeer-kick you in the head in the middle of the night?”

  “What if I shave your eyebrows off while you sleep? We’re both taking a risk here.”

  I half laughed. “Fine, but if you sleep with gum in your mouth and it gets stuck in my hair and I have to get a girl mullet, Mom won’t be able to save you again.”

  “That was such a bad look on you, but deal!” she said, leaning back when I semijokingly reached for her throat. “No gum, I promise.”

  “And you can’t be a slob.”

  “How would you even notice?” She wrinkled her nose as she glanced around the room.

  “Everything is exactly where I want it. Here.�
�� I toed the bottom drawer of my dresser. “You can have this one, and I’ll make some room for you in my closet.”

  She offered me the popcorn bowl. “Thanks, Dana. And it’s only for a little while. I have to get a job and start saving. That’s the condition Mom and Dad set for me staying here. If I’m not going to school, I have to work and pay rent.”

  “Those bastards.”

  “Ha ha. It’s not a lot of rent, but it’ll take longer before I have enough to get to Nashville and find a little place. Gavin thinks I have a good shot, and I can get a job once I’m there until...” She raised her shoulders and grinned.

  “Yeah, so Gavin.” We both scooted until we were leaning against my headboard. Selena had never been the type to get excited over a guy. She’d had boyfriends, some for longer than others, but they were never the center of her universe. I was already getting the impression that Gavin was different.

  Selena grabbed my arms. “You are going to love him. He’s really funny and so talented. And he’s got these eyes.” She fell sideways on the bed with a bounce. “You’ll die. I still do every time.” She sat up just as suddenly. “And he really likes me—likes me, likes me. We’re talking about the future and things I’ve never wanted to seriously talk about with another guy.”

  “Wow, Sel. I had no idea.” I couldn’t help but feel hurt that she’d kept all that from me. She had a serious guy that she had serious guy feelings for and hadn’t told me. I’d told her everything about Nick, and I’d only ever had lukewarm feelings for him. And if the circumstances had been different, I’d have called her after that first night with Chase and spilled too.