"Yes, I can see that," Maddy replied. To her knowledge, her granddaughter had never had a relationship of consequence, but knowing Saxon's volatile nature, she very much doubted that she was inexperienced. She suspected, however, that what was happening with Jude was something different altogether. She'd observed the way the two of them had looked at each other all day, and it was clear to her they were both seriously smitten. Even though they didn't seem entirely aware of it yet, it was still a lovely thing to see. "And I'll expect you both to visit again soon."
"We'll be back the day after tomorrow to pick up Jude's car," Sax reminded her. Jude had wanted to ride back with Sax on the motorcycle, which was fine with her. She hadn't wanted to say goodbye quite so soon.
"I wasn't talking about a pit stop, Saxon. I had something more civilized in mind."
"Don't worry, Maddy," Jude said, smiling at the woman for whom she was quickly acquiring real affection. The afternoon had passed in easy conversation with Maddy while Sax busied herself with a number of odd jobs around the grounds. When it had gotten too hot for her to work, Sax had joined them, and the three of them had talked of current films and other news. Finally, after dinner, Jude and Sax had reluctantly prepared to leave. "I'll make sure of it."
"Good, because Saxon tends to lose track of such simple things as time, and two months between visits is too long." Although this time, knowing that Jude would be nearby, she would worry less about Saxon's well-being while she was gone.
"Maddy," Sax said ruefully. "You're going to give her a bad impression."
"Nothing she doesn't already know, I'm sure," Maddy said sharply as she leaned forward to kiss Sax on the cheek. Absently, she stroked her arm as she straightened and stepped away, thinking how much she loved the happiness glinting in her granddaughter's normally guarded eyes. "I love you."
"I love you, too," Sax replied firmly, disengaging the kickstand with the heel of her boot. "We'll see you soon."
Maddy waved once as she watched Sax wheel the large motorcycle around in the center of the lane. As the engine roared and the powerful machine leapt into motion, she saw Jude tighten her hold on Sax, leaning against her, at once protected and sheltering. She had often wondered if ever a person would come who would be able to match Saxon for drive and strength and tenderness. Jude did all that, and more. Oh, what a marvelous pair they make.
*****
Sax pulled to the side of the road as they entered Manhattan. It was a little after nine p.m.
"Where to?" she asked, turning on the seat to look at Jude. She knew what she wanted, but she was a little reluctant to make assumptions. The last thirty-six hours had been like a dream. After Jude had declined her offer for lunch the day before, she had driven to Maddy's in a fury of temper and pain, certain Jude's refusal had been because she was seriously involved with another woman. Sax had wanted her so much, but it wasn't just the physical frustration that had made her wild with rejection and aching with loneliness. When they were together, she was happy. More than happy, she was soothed in some primal part of herself that never truly rested. Once that longing had been unleashed, it tormented her, her heart crying out for the peace that only Jude seemed able to bring. Then, miraculously, Jude had come to her and claimed her--every inch of her--body and soul. Now, as she contemplated leaving her, the night loomed longer and lonelier than any she could recall. More barren even than those desolate nights when she had lain awake in the still, hushed dark of the hospital praying for Maddy to come for her. Maddy had ended her isolation then, but as the years had passed her needs had changed, and Maddy could no longer banish her demons. But Jude had. Jude had. She waited, wondering how she would make it through the night alone.
Jude sensed Sax waiting for an answer, but she had already taken enough risks. She'd followed her to Maddy's and practically-hell, not practically- wantonly seduced her. She'd made clear her desires. Deliberately, she asked, "What do you want to do?"
Sax glanced down once at Jude's hand still resting on her thigh, contemplating whether she could afford to let these feelings loose. She wasn't certain she could contain them; wasn't certain she could ever stop the wanting if she set it free. Then, knowing she had been headed for this moment since the first day they had met, she looked into Jude's eyes and said clearly, "At six-thirty tomorrow morning I have to go to work. Then, for thirty hours or so, my life won't be my own. Until then, I want to be with you."
"You know the way to my place."
Ten minutes later they pulled up in front. Once inside the door, Sax dropped her bag on the floor and waited while Jude walked around turning on lights in an apartment that was a perfect reflection of its occupant.
"What?" Jude asked hesitantly, watching Sax look around with a faint smile on her face.
"It's you," Sax observed, glancing at the array of recording and other electronic equipment fitted into the niches of an antique apothecary bench along the far wall. Beneath the warmth of color manifest in the paintings on the walls, the textured fabrics of rugs and throws, and the lush greenery of living foliage, there was a sense of order and utility. Sensuality and reason, creativity and intent, form and function--the artist revealed.
"It's passionate and purposeful," Sax continued, moving deeper into the room, indicating the space with a sweep of her arm. "You work here, and you live here, and they're the same thing for you, aren't they?"
Jude stared at the woman in the tight black T-shirt and faded black jeans, a handsome, dangerous stranger who knew things she shouldn't and touched her in ways no one ever had. "You scare me."
Sax cocked her head, stood still, studied Jude's eyes. Green--they were deep, deep green verging on black. They looked like that when she was aroused or angry, and now, Sax knew, when she was frightened. "I think it's too late for safety."
"So do I," Jude murmured, walking to within inches of her. "What do you want?" she asked again. How long will it be before I can stand this close to you and not want my hands on your skin?
"I want to do to you what you do to me," Sax said fervently, searching desperately for some way to explain to her how she had changed everything.
"What?" Jude asked, her voice low and husky. "What is it that you want?"
"I want to abide in your secret places and catch your tears before they fall."
"I should make you leave," Jude breathed. You can't know what you're asking. You can't.
"Why?"
"You could hurt me."
"I won't."
"You can't know that."
"Yes. I can."
"What if I don't want you in those places?"
"Then you should make me leave."
Jude ran her fingers lightly over Sax's face, tracing her eyebrows, the steep slope of her cheekbones, the rich curve of her lips. "It's too late."
"Yes. For me, too."
For a moment, they didn't speak, they didn't move. Then, Jude took her hand and led her across the room through a doorway on the opposite side. Once inside her bedroom, they undressed wordlessly, unhurriedly--eyes locked on one another--slowly revealing themselves in slow, mesmerizing glimpses of denim and cotton falling from candle-lit flesh. When they were naked, Jude turned down the covers and slid between the sheets, beckoning to Sax with an extended arm. Sax stretched out on her side facing her, her palm lightly resting on the arch of her hip, amazed at how much she desired her and surprised even more by how exciting it was to wait. She was wet; she was hard; and she wanted the wanting never to end.
"You know, I hated to leave Maddy's," Jude whispered in the flickering light, raising a hand to brush along the curve of Sax's breast.
"Why?" Sax asked, hearing the wistful, almost sad note in her voice. She leaned forward enough to press her lips to the hollow below Jude's collarbone. "We can go back."
"Because," Jude murmured, wondering if she were foolish to say these things out loud, and unable to stop. "I was afraid something would change when we got back to the city."
"What?" Sax inquired gently, m
oving her hand to Jude's back, pulling her closer until their breasts met and melded. Her body hummed, electrified.
"I'm afraid you'll disappear." It took all her strength to say those words, because admitting how very much she wanted her was terrifying. She slipped her fingers into Sax's hair, pulled her head near, sought her mouth. You are real; I can touch you.
"No, I won't," Sax said deliberately when Jude released her. She ignored the thunder of arousal as Jude's hand stole lower over her stomach, fingers seeking to claim her. She caught her wrist before Jude could touch her, because she knew she would be beyond words then. Raising the hand to her lips, she kissed the palm tenderly, then placed it over her own heart. "Do you feel that?"
"Yes," Jude whispered, her eyes searching Sax's face. In the yellow glow of the candles, her blue eyes were black.
"It's yours."
"Why hasn't someone else claimed it before this?" Jude asked, her throat tight with desire and tears. "It's so precious."
"No one ever wanted it before," Sax murmured, her lips moving gently in the fine hair at Jude's temple. Carefully, she skimmed her palm up the inside of Jude's leg to the vee between her thighs, catching her breath at the slick, welcoming heat.
"I can't believe that," Jude said throatily, her hand still resting on Sax's chest. "You're handsome and brilliant and sexy as hell."
"And arrogant and stubborn and secretive," Sax added with a tremulous laugh. God, she wanted to take her, just take her. Her arm trembled with the effort it took to go slowly.
"Yes, true," Jude agreed softly, turning onto her back, drawing Sax with her. "But it balances out…in the end."
"I'll remind you of that one of these days when I've aggravated you too much," Sax murmured, leaning on one elbow, stroking her now, fingers gliding over engorged flesh, parting her gently.
"Good idea," Jude agreed, her voice shaking, losing focus.
"Jude," Sax said tenderly when she heard the faint whisper of uncertainty still in her voice, "you make it safe for me to be myself. I am not afraid when I'm with you."
Slowly, watching Jude's expression dissolve as her lids fluttered, Sax moved inside her.
"Thank you," Jude whispered, laying her head where her hand had just been, against Sax's heart. Closing her eyes, listening to the sure steady beat, she yielded all her secrets.
Chapter twenty-nine
Personal Project Log - Castle
September 7 - 9:45 a.m.
[Note: Episode title-Call to Battle] Holiday weekends are even more difficult than normal, because when people party, they get into trouble. Trouble comes in many forms--bar brawls, car accidents, domestic disturbances, robberies, gang altercations. What it means in practical terms for the trauma team is that there is more work, fewer people to do it because of vacation schedules, and a general sense of stress and anxiety about what might be coming next. I should qualify that--Sinclair and Stein don't seem particularly worried. The two of them are almost unnaturally calm, as if they know that they'll deal with whatever fate may deliver. Confidence? Self-assurance? Maybe just simple experience, at least on Sinclair's part. The rest of the staff are keyed up--from the nurses to the ancillary personal to the security guards at the front doors--you can see it in their faces and hear it in their voices. Excitement mixed with dread, like the kind of ambivalent anticipation you feel looking at one of those ridiculously large amusement park rides, wondering if you'll vomit or laugh half way down.
Labor Day weekend is the end of summer and underneath the gaiety is a thread of anger and sadness.
Today's Saturday, the first full day of the long weekend, and the team just finished rounds in the TICU a few minutes ago. Stein and Sinclair are already in the operating room doing emergency exploratory surgery on a patient who was shot three days ago. Apparently, she is having episodic spiking fevers and they suspect an abscess somewhere in her abdomen. Because Sax and Deb are also the admitting surgeons for the day, the backup team, all of whom have been here since six o'clock yesterday morning, has to stay until this surgery is over and the two of them are free.
Jude turned off her recorder and randomly selected a tape from the pile on the desk. She slid it into the VCR and pushed play, leaning back in the swivel desk chair and propping her feet on the wastepaper basket. It only took a few minutes for her to recognize the scene as one in which Sax and Deb had been working on a New York City police officer who had been injured in a high-speed crash while pursuing a suspected dope dealer up the West Side Highway. Parts of the tape were dizzyingly shaky because Mel had been jostled by the dozens of police crowding into the trauma bay trying to find out how their fallen comrade was faring.
Leaning forward, she muted the volume. She wasn't interested in the conversations. She was only interested in the dark-haired surgeon whose face was a study in fierce concentration and whose hands moved like magic over the landscape of flesh and bone. As Jude watched, images unexpectedly fused and blurred, her memory transcending time. Sax leaning over the officer became Sax leaning over her in the trauma bay at Bellevue and then suddenly it was Sax leaning over her in bed the night before-hands playing over her skin with unerring certainty, finding all her tender places, making her molten, making her scream, making her come.
She caught her breath at the swift stab of pleasure that accompanied the memory and closed her eyes. This had been a bad idea. She'd only wanted to see Sax's face for an instant because she missed her, and now she ached in a way that she knew was going to torment her for hours.
"Jude?" a curious voice behind her inquired. "You okay?"
Swinging around, she grinned sheepishly at Mel. "Yeah. Fine…just woolgathering. Waiting for Deb and Sax to finish up."
"And the silent movie?" Melissa asked, pulling over a chair, nodding toward the tape that still ran on the screen.
"Oh…that…nothing…I was just…" She stopped, unable to think of an explanation that wasn't ridiculous, as if the truth weren't ridiculous enough. Shrugging, she sighed and admitted, "I wanted to look at her."
Mel followed Jude's gaze and watched Sax and Deb work for a few seconds. It was good footage. They were captivating women. But Jude looked more than captivated; she looked stunned. "You really are nuts about her, aren't you?" she asked, a touch of awe in her voice.
"Seems like," Jude acknowledged. She glanced at Mel self-consciously. "Crazy, huh?"
"Not as long as it's mutual," Melissa replied carefully, mindful of the fragile line between caring and intruding. "Is it?"
Jude smiled, recalling Sax in the shower that morning, head thrown back, eyes closed, fingers laced through Jude's hair, moaning Jude's name.
"Yeah. Uh huh. Seems like."
September 7 - 1 p.m.
DRM 15,860
We're on the roof waiting for South Star to bring in two patients found unconscious in a burning crack house. Preliminary reports indicate burns and inhalation injuries. As I look around, Nancy Stevenson--Aaron's replacement-and a respiratory technician, a med tech, and Sinclair and Stein are standing in a cluster, faces turned to the sky, poised to move. You can almost feel the tension rippling in the air. It's not as hot today as it has been, and there's a breeze. In the distance, I can hear the rotor blades thumping. There are stretchers with equipment piled onto them awaiting the wounded. No one is talking. The silence is eerie.
"The blades aren't that low, but watch your head nevertheless," Sax advised as Jude stepped up beside her.
"Understood," Jude responded, keeping an eye on Mel who was filming as they all moved forward in anticipation of the chopper's arrival. She had to be sure that her photographer was clear of the landing site as the helicopter descended. Looking up into the sky, she held her breath, waiting for the drama to begin.
"It's odd how all sense of time, everything actually, disappears when the injured arrive," she observed almost to herself. There was a terrible pain in her leg…she found herself staring into a huge silver disk with a hot white bulb in its center… a silhouette took shape
in her field of vision, backlit by the bright light…features began to emerge …a face bending near-blue eyes, so dark they were almost purple, intense and penetrating-black hair, thick and unruly … "Everything recedes into shadow except the space around the patient, and that's like a spotlight in the center of a darkened stage."
Sax glanced at her, struck by the pensive tone in her voice. They hadn't been alone together since they'd parted at the hospital doors six hours before. The sun on Jude's burnished copper hair glinted like shimmering firelight, reminding her that when she had awakened that morning, those glorious tresses had been scattered across her chest and Jude's face had been nestled in the crook of her neck. She had lain awake a long time the night before after Jude had shuddered to a climax in her embrace. Still, she had been more than content to rest with the soothing sound of Jude's soft breathing whispering in her ear. Finally, she had truly slept, and it had been a sleep without dreams or anxiety. She moved a step closer, her arm brushing Jude's. "Time is suspended. There is only the now. No past, no future, no hopes, no dreams. Only the indecipherable reality of life. If you spend enough time on call, you'll forget there is any other world."
"That's frightening," Jude observed quietly. I don't want to forget what I feel when you touch me. I don't want you to forget what I make you feel.
"But very effective. It's difficult to be efficient and focused if you're worrying about a dinner date or a birthday party. Everything about the training is oriented toward isolating us on some level from everyone else, even if it's never truly acknowledged."
"Here comes the chopper," Jude remarked with a sigh, knowing that their time was at an end, excited by what was about to happen, and indescribably sad that in the midst of it, she and Sax would be distanced even further.
"I still know you're here, Jude," Sax murmured, watching the helicopter grow larger against the backdrop of blue. "I still feel you on my skin."
"You say things that make my heart stop," Jude breathed shakily, staring at her in amazement. Sax stood with her face in profile, a smile lifting the corner of her mouth. "And at the damnedest times-like now, when I can't touch you, and it's sure to make me wild. You're so damn impossible to predict, it drives me crazy."
Radclyffe - Passion's Bright Fury Page 20