by Unknown
“That's totally bogus,” Charon shook his head. “The river cleanses and purges the sins of humans. Just passing over it heals you. Why do you think I'm so frosty? The river keeps me gliding easy.”
“And keeps you young by the look of it” I observed as a thought occurred to me. Was this another source of immortality? If so, we could just ferry the Greek gods across the Acheron every so often.
“Nah, that's the 'brosia,” Charon pushed his staff through the water with absent-minded ease. “All that healin' is on a spiritual plane only, you feel me? It does nothing but relax the physical body.”
“Oh,” I deflated.
“Don't you think I'd have thought of the Acheron if I'd known it could grant immortality?” Hades lifted a perfect black brow at me.
“Yeah, well,” I shrugged. “Sometimes you don't see what's right in front of you.” I glanced over at Kirill and he smiled a little sadly at me. Had I been neglecting him? Was that what all his drama had been about?
“We're here,” Charon announced as the boat scraped the shore. “Keep it real, godlings.”
“Thanks for the ride, Charon,” Hades nodded and helped Persephone off the boat.
“Hang loose,” I called to Charon as we disembarked and he laughed.
The boat drifted out as silently as it had arrived and we were left staring at a rather normal looking field. Soft green grass stretched out before us, interspersed with some lush looking trees. The sun shone brightly, which was so odd when you came from the dark of the Land of Dreams. What was even more odd was looking back at where it had just been night and seeing it in daylight. So weird. Especially that tree of false dreams, that was one tree that shouldn't be seen in daylight. I also knew that if we crossed back over, it would appear to be day until we stepped foot on the shore, then night would seem to descend everywhere, even on this side of the Acheron. It was all about perspective in the Underworld.
Frickin' Greeks and their Greek weirdness.
“These are the Asphodel Fields,” Hades said in a good-natured, travel guide tone. “It's a neutral zone for those souls that are neither bad nor good.”
“Oh, okay,” I nodded and watched one of those neutral souls pull another neutral soul behind a tree for some neutral canoodling. I did not feel neutral about that. In fact, I was a little shocked. “Dead people can have sex?” I blurted out the question.
“Yeah, it's called necrophilia,” Pan chuckled.
“What are you two bumbling buffoons babbling on about?” Horus took over before Hades yelled at us.
“Oh, that was good,” I grinned. “Bumbling buffoons babbling. I think that's a messed up Harry Potter quote actually.”
“And she babbles more,” Horus sighed.
“Well you know my babbling capabilities are infinite,” I smiled wider.
“Yes, you've taken us completely off subject,” Horus raised his brows in a manner suggesting I should return to the subject immediately.
“Oh, right,” I shrugged. “I just saw a couple souls start...”
“Bumping spiritual bellies?” Pan helped.
“Yep,” I started to giggle.
“They don't feel pleasure like we do,” Hades shot us a quelling look, “ but they can feel and I'm told the experience is even more satisfying than when you're in a physical body.”
“Really?” Torrent glanced over at the lovers with interest.
“Yeah but then you'd be dead,” Artemis nudged him and gave him a saucy grin.
“The appeal has faded,” Torrent grinned back.
“Oh someone save me from morons in love,” Horus groaned.
“Hey,” both Torr and Artemis said as one.
“One of these days, Horus,” I spoke up before anyone could start a fight. “You're going to become completely smitten with some gorgeous goddess and you're going to pay for those words.”
“And I'm going to pity her,” Pan added. “What?” He blinked at my grimace. “Too far?”
“Totally Portlandia,” I nodded.
“What?” He actually stopped walking to stare at me. “I usually get your references but that one's lost on me.”
“Portlandia, the TV show,” I explained. “Have you seen it?”
“The one where they do all those skits about how weird people are in Portland?” Pan frowned.
“That's it,” I shared a grin with Trevor, this was a joke we'd come up with. “You know how those skits always go too far? It's kinda funny in the beginning but then they keep going with it until it becomes ridiculous?”
“Oh, yeah,” Pan grinned as all became clear. “Taking it too far. Portlandia. I like it.”
“Fantastic,” Horus drawled. “I'm so glad you've cleared up the vagueness of your imbecilic joke, Vervain. A joke which I figured out at the beginning of the conversation, I might add,” he stopped to look condescendingly at Pan. “And I'm even happier that now we can continue with our journey across the Asphodel Fields and into the place where all that god awful caterwauling is coming from. Yay!”
“You know how much I love you right now, Horus?” I grinned and went over to hug him. “I love you soooo much. You're so witty.”
“Ugh,” he tried to push me away to no avail. “Fine, you win, Godhunter. Your torture is too great for even I to endure. Get off me!”
“If you insist,” I went back over to Pan and high-fived him. Yes, a high-five. Because we are that infantile.
The laughter ended when we crossed into the Vale of Mourning. It was like stepping onto a horror movie sound-stage. It went from bright sunny fields to dark rocky ground as if a line were drawn across the land. Literally. I could look to either side of me and see the line of gray stones meeting the line of bright grass. It was just more of that weirdness.
I stood with one foot on either side and crossed my arms, staring down that odd delineation. It even felt colder on the vale side. The land sloped too, heading down toward yet another river. How many damn rivers did the Underworld have? No pun intended.
“Vervain,” Hades sighed while Persephone giggled behind him. “What are you doing now?”
“Well, I wanted to know what neutral-sad felt like,” I grinned. “I've got one foot in neutral territory and one in the mourning. I feel kind of...”
“Stupid?” Horus offered.
“You are acting a little silly,” Trevor leaned in towards me to whisper. “You okay?”
“Sorry,” I gave him an embarrassed grin. “I guess I'm just high on relief.” I glanced meaningfully at Kirill.
“Oh,” Trevor kissed my forehead. “I understand.” Then in a louder voice he added, “Just leave her alone, birdbrain.”
“I beg your pardon,” Horus gaped at Trevor.
“That's my line,” Pan pouted. “The birdbrain thing not the begging thing. I never beg.”
“That's not what I heard,” I teased and then saw Trevor's look. “I mean,” I cleared my throat, “let's get going down this precarious looking slope into the desolate looking vale with its horrible anguished keening.”
“Better,” Trevor laughed.
“Finally,” Hades rolled his eyes.
“I love hanging out with you guys,” Artemis announced. “You're much more fun than Apollo and his groupies. They never go hiking across the Underworld.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
The Vale of Mourning was exactly what I'd thought it'd be. A dismal place with a bunch of dead people wailing about their love life. Kinda like a dive bar but with no drinks or music. So maybe a dive bar in Hell, which it kind of was.
Anyway, I was happy to leave it behind and ecstatic to see the high, white, stone walls of Casa de Hades come into view. I breathed a sigh of relief and once more wished that you could cross the Underworld by tracing.
We had to cross one last river, the Cocytus, whose waters rushed angrily beneath the bridge Hades built. I gave the river several wary glances, hurrying across the bridge and then across the open field beyond it but I could still feel the river raging at
my back. There was a wide road in front of the field, stretching out to either side like the rivers did, and we started walking across that as well.
Down a ways from us there was a line of dead people standing in front of dais with three men on top of it. It reminded me of my time in Duat, where I'd watch Anubis judging souls. Maybe it was the way the three guys were looking down on the dead, gesturing to them in authoritative manners. Maybe it was because-
“Those are the three kings who judge the dead,” Hades flung a hand toward the men. One of the kings raised his hand in greeting but the other two looked too busy to be bothered with us. “I'll introduce all of you some other time. It looks like they've got a long line.”
Hades led us straight across another grassy field and up to his palace walls. He said a few words under his breath and a side door set in the wall opened. We all filed through, shutting the door behind us with a loud and relieved clang. On our way through the gardens of overlarge flowers, I saw Peter the Pegasus so I stopped to say hi.
“Hey, Pete, how's it hanging?”
“Further to the ground than any man you've been with, I'd wager,” Peter smirked at me. Yes, horses can smirk, I was as surprised as you are.
“Um,” I felt my cheeks heat as the rest of the group laughed. “I'm thankful for that actually.”
“I'd bet,” Peter looked over my fighting leathers, which I'd worn in anticipation of a brawl with Zeus. “Who are you supposed to be? That chick from The Matrix?”
“How the hell do you know about The Matrix?” I gaped at him as the others laughed harder.
“I watch movies with Hades,” Peter shook his head as horses do, his pure white mane flying out around him. “What? You think I just stand around and eat grass all day?”
“No, I...”
“Enough, Peter,” Hades finally saved me. “Leave Vervain alone. We have some business we need to attend to.”
“Fine,” Peter huffed, “but she started it.”
“What?” I blinked at Hades. “What did I say?”
“You called him Pete,” Hades grinned. “He doesn't like that.”
“Sheesh,” I rolled my eyes as Hades led us into the palace. “Damn sensitive horses.”
“I'm a winged horse!” Peter called after me.
“Damn sensitive Pegasuses!” I yelled back. Then I frowned, confused. “Pegasi? Pegaseese? What exactly is the plural of Pegasus?”
“Technically, Pegasus is a name,” Horus gave me a patronizing look. “As a proper noun, the only way to make it plural would be to add the es to it, thus your first attempt was the correct one. However, since his name is Peter and not Pegasus, he's a winged horse. So you're incorrect in both your assessment of him as a mythical creature and your attempt to make that assessment plural.”
“Whoa,” Pan gaped at Horus.
“Wait,” I looked over to Trevor for validation. “Pegasus is a name, not a type of creature?”
“I'm sorry to have to break it to you,” Trevor laughed and kissed me on the cheek, “but Horus is right. Pegasus was the name of a winged horse, not the name of winged horses in general.”
“Well, drat,” I scrunched up my face. “No wonder he's annoyed with me.”
“Horses can be very sensitive,” Hades ushered us into his dining room, “especially the winged ones.”
“But I could have sworn he referred to himself as a Pegasus,” I protested. “In fact, I think he even made a Clash of the Titans reference.”
“He was being polite,” Hades took a seat at a long black dining table. “If I recall correctly, you gave him the title of Pegasus first. He probably didn't want to embarrass you by disputing it.”
“Great,” I huffed and sat down. “Yes, it's far better to be annoyed at me and wait till much later to embarrass me. Much later. When I'm not expecting it.”
“I'm really starting to like that winged horse,” Horus smirked. “He's got panache.”
I stuck my tongue out at Horus.
“So I guess I can't call him Peter the Pegasus anymore,” I sighed.
“It would be like calling him Peter the Peter,” Horus smirked. “Ridiculous.”
“Well since peter is also a term for a thing,” I shot back saucily, “that's not the best example but I get what you're trying to say.”
“A thing?” Horus frowned while everyone else tried to hold back laughter. “What do you mean? What's a peter?”
“If you don't know,” Pan piped up, “I ain't telling!”
Yep, there was a whole lot of laughing after that, and a whole lot of frowning by Horus.
“Just go home and Google it, Horus,” I finally said.
“What in all of creation is googling and why would I want to do it to a peter?” Horus looked even more confused.
Pan laughed so hard he ended up gasping for breath on the floor.
“Alright, enough,” Mrs E. called us to order. “Get up, Pan. Now, what should we do about Zeus?”
“Well, in case you haven't heard,” Artemis immediately had everyone's attention. “Morpheus isn't the only one he's attacked.”
“What?” Morpheus leaned forward in his seat.
“He's been going after every god who's sided with us,” Artemis nodded. “He hasn't attacked me or Apollo yet but I'm sure he'll get around to it. Dad can be very vindictive, even against his own offspring.”
“Clear something up for me, will you?” I asked Artemis. “How many children does Zeus really have? I mean, the myths say one thing but I'm sure the truth is different.”
“He only has four children,” Persephone answered instead of Artemis. “And none of them are with Hera. Zeus was a father figure to a lot of gods but he didn't actually father them.”
“Wait, what?” I looked back at Artemis.
“My brother and I are Zeus' children by our mother, Leto. She's still on Olympus, refusing to take a side in this,” Artemis shrugged. “That's Mom for ya, she doesn't like confrontation.”
“As you know, I am the daughter of Zeus by Demeter,” Persephone added. “Then we have one more sister, Athena, whose mother is Metis, a goddess of wisdom.”
“Yeah, too bad she didn't impart some of that wisdom to her daughter,” Artemis huffed.
“Athena isn't stupid,” Sephy shook her head at Artemis. “She's just a little blind in her loyalty to Zeus. She loves him and love will do that to you.”
I shared a sympathetic look with Sephy. She knew all about love blinding you to a parent's faults.
“Huh,” I mused. “Four children, three of them girls, and all by women who aren't his wife. What does Hera have to say about all of this?”
“Hera has always been the kind of woman who puts the blame of her husband's indiscretions on the women he cheats with,” Hades weighed in.
“Ah, yes, I'm familiar with the type,” I grimaced. “But how loyal is she? Do you think we could convince her to side with us?”
There was a brief lull and then everyone started laughing. Even Torrent. I guess I'd missed the memo.
“Hera doesn't care about anyone but Hera,” Sephy finally answered. “I don't think she even loves Zeus. I think she's stayed married to him for the prestige.”
“And the nice digs,” Artemis agreed.
“Great,” I rolled my eyes. “So what do we do?”
“Isn't it obvious?” Horus sounded bored. “He's started it by attacking his own gods. We gather those gods together and we go demolish him.”
“Demolish?” I lifted my brows. “Okay, let's be clear about this before we call the others in. Are we talking about killing Zeus? Because I thought you were against that?”
Silence.
“Hades? Anyone? Anyone?” I intoned. “Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?”
“I have no idea who Bueller is,” Hades looked at Persephone for help as Torrent, Artemis, Pan, Finn, Ull, and Trevor all started laughing. Even Odin chuckled. The rest of the gods, not so much.
“Who's Bueller?” Morpheus finally asked.
“Generally, we just nod and smile at Vervain when she says something odd,” Teharon whispered to Morpheus.
“Never mind,” I sighed. “You'd think you guys would've gone and watched some movies by now.”
“Hey,” Morpheus gave me an affronted look. “I've been confined to a cave and the dreams of mortals for centuries.”
“Oh, right,” I conceded. “You're excused.”
“Thank you,” Morpheus grinned.
“So are we killing him or not?” Brahma burst out. Everyone stared at him in shock. “What? I've been sitting here waiting for you yahoos to decide on something and I'm getting bored. Is the guy an enemy of the Republic or what?”
“Did you seriously just use a Star Wars quote right after you didn't get my Ferris Bueller's Day Off quote?” I gaped at him.
“I got the quote,” Brahma sighed. “I just didn't think it was funny. Star Wars however, is a classic.”
“Ferris Bueller's Day Off is a classic!”
“Children!” Mrs. E shouted as she stood in her seat. “That will be enough of that. This is serious. We're talking about killing the head of a major pantheon. Hundreds of gods will be affected by this. We must think and act carefully.”
“Estsanatlehi is right,” Hades nodded to her as she took her seat again. “Going up against Zeus is problematic.”
“More problematic than Iktomi was?” I asked in a low tone.
“Oh, she's getting cocky,” Finn observed.
“No, that's not what I meant,” I shook my head. “I, probably more than any of you, know how dangerous fighting gods can be. I've paid the price for it enough. I'm not saying it will be easy. I'm saying that you've all skipped the really important questions.”
“How do we get into Olympus?” Hades lifted a brow over his dark sunglasses.
“How do we get past Hera?” Pan added.
“No,” all humor had faded away for me. Mrs. E was right, this was serious. “Should we kill Zeus? Is that what would be best for the Greek gods? What would killing him do and what would he do if we defeated him but didn't kill him? Will we be looking over our shoulders constantly, like I did with Demeter?” I caught Sephy's sad expression. “Sorry, Seph.”