by Renee Fowler
Of course I had no idea back then she had a ticking time bomb nestled deep in her brain. None of us did.
After a bit of gentle coaxing, Anna gets it up to the speed limit. Her knuckles are white the whole drive to her place. Just like last time, she took a few long, deep breaths once we were parked.
“You did great,” I say, sweeping aside a piece of hair and tucking it behind her ear.
“You don’t have to lie to me, Jack.”
“I not lying to you,” I say. “You just need more time to get comfortable.”
Anna doesn’t look so convinced as she hands me the keys back. We both climb out, and I grab both of her bags this time. Princess is meowing at the door before she has it unlocked, and the sleek, black cat jets out to greet her before she’s got the door fully open.
As she nuzzles the cat to her chest, and talks to her in a sweet, high voice, her door swings open fully. I start to laugh when I get sight of what’s standing in the middle of her living room wrapped up like a present.
“I know it’s silly,” Anna says. “She’s just a cat, but she really is like my baby. I’ve never been away from her for that long.”
“No, not that. I think Laura got you a gift.”
I point over her shoulder, and Anna laughs too when she catches sight of the stripper pole mounted in the middle of her living room. She wanders inside, and I follow after, still clutching her bags. I drop them inside the door, and she sets Princess gently on the couch.
“I wonder if I can still do it?” She pulls one end of the red ribbon so it unravels, and she lets it flutter to the floor.
I laugh. “I dunno. Only one way to find out I guess.”
Anna grins at me, and shrugs her shoulders. She wraps one palm around the silver bar, and quirks her lips to the side, contemplating. Then she moves in a flash, spinning, climbing, hanging upside down. There are no sultry flourishes, or suggestive looks thrown in my direction. She really is just trying to see if she can still manage the maneuvers, which feel more like an acrobatic routine than the lead up to a sexy strip tease.
I can accomplish a dozen pull ups from a dead hang when I want, but there’s no way in hell I could do half the shit she is doing. I’ve never really thought of ballerina’s as strong, and at first glance Anna appears almost frail, but that notion is quickly laid to rest for me. My mouth is hanging open when she holds her body horizontal to the bar, and slowly fans her legs around in a lazy looking arc that I know must take an incredible amount of raw, athletic power to accomplish.
She wraps her long legs around the bar, hangs upside down temporarily, then slides to the floor fast. A flash of pain ignites on her face as she crashes to the ground, then she starts to giggle. “I’m not really dressed for this.”
“No, I’d say you’re a bit overdressed,” I laugh, helping her stand.
She gives me a small, embarrassed smile. “You need something with more grip, not jeans obviously.”
“You still did pretty well, I’d say.”
Anna shrugs, and reaches down to snag up the ribbon from the floor. She winces slightly, and limps a bit as she wanders over to the garbage can in the kitchen.
“You hurt yourself.”
“Nah. I have a few old injuries, but I’ll be fine.”
“What kind of injuries?”
“You know, wear and tear.” Her smile resembles a grimace. “I have the joints of a grandma.”
Maybe that’s why she quit ballet and came here to teach. “You move better than any grandma I’ve ever seen.”
“I still don’t know if I want to do this,” she says, eying the pole in the middle of the room warily. “But Laura’s right. We’re going to have to do something if we can’t fill those classes.”
“There’s some guys at work with younger kids that might be interested. I’d be happy to spread the word.”
“Thank you, Jack. That would be nice.”
“I don’t understand why you don’t advertise with your other name, the one you used when you were dancing before. People would probably come from all over.”
“I can’t dance like that anymore, so it doesn’t seem right.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, but I didn’t know enough about it to say one way or the other. “But you could teach other people how.”
Anna shrugs. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing now?”
“Give it back to Laura. Let her start practicing, like you said, if you really don’t want to do it.”
“I just have to figure out how to take it down, unless you want a turn first?” she asks with a crooked grin.
“I’ve leave that to the pro.”
The two of us eventually manage the spring loaded mechanism that keeps it fixed firmly in place between the ceiling and the floor. She directs me to lay it near the wall. When I stand back up, she’s watching me intently. One of her fingers twirls a piece of hair round and round. Her top teeth press lightly into the fullness of her bottom lip. There’s no mistaking the look she’s giving me as anything but invitation, and I’m quick to give in.
Her lips feel perfect against mine. She seems so shy, but as soon as we touch all that melts away, and she is pressed flush against me.
I don’t know what it is about her, or what’s going on between us. It’s all happening so fast, but it doesn’t feel too fast. I’ve been waiting for years to get over Claire, but I’m starting to think I was just waiting for the right one to come along.
Or maybe I’m just thinking with my dick.
I’m not twenty years old this time. I have a child to consider, and no matter how much I’d like to deny the fact, I’m still haunted by Claire’s memory.
I’m afraid I won’t be able to love Anna the way she deserves.
Chapter 12
Anna
In the weeks that follow, Jack takes me out driving a bunch of times, and while I’m slowly improving, I still don’t think I’m ready to take my test. He also tries to introduce me to some new things. One afternoon we go to the firing range. The weight of that gun feels dangerous in my hands. I don’t like it, and my aim is terrible, although I love the feel of his arms pressed to either side of my shoulders as he shows me how to hold it.
The Saturday we visit the batting cage is more fun. It’s like the most exciting part of baseball, minus all the boring standing around and waiting. I’m still not that great at it. There’s something about having a hard baseball fired in my direction at high velocity that makes me nervous.
I’m starting to think the only thing I’m good at is dance, and I’m not even very good at that anymore.
Enrollment is slowly picking up at the studio. I’m also falling more in love with teaching every day. The kids are adorable, and excited to learn. I do my very best not to treat Sarah differently than the other girls, but I’ve been spending some time with her too outside of class, and I’ve grown so attached to her.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about a man before, even Mikhail and we were engaged. I want Jack so bad it hurts, but the thought of being rejected by him hurts worse.
Is he going to be angry that I’ve hid this from him for so long?
When I ask Gregory to weigh in on things over the phone one day, he scoffs loudly. “You still haven’t had sex?”
“We both agreed to take it slow.”
“Anna,” he says in a sharp whine.
“It hasn’t been that long. How long do people usually wait?”
“Three dates, isn’t that the rule? But since you two did the deed before date number one, I’m not sure if that rule applies in your situation. How many dates have you been on?”
“I don’t know. I’ve lost count, but a lot of those aren’t real dates. Sometimes we just have lunch, and he’s teaching me how to drive, so…”
“Have you met his friends?”
“Uh huh. A few of them. They’re so… adult. With houses, and kids, and dogs. They grill out and drink beer on their decks. It’s so weird.”
We both laugh, but mine dies out fast. “I don’t really know how to broach it. I think I’ve left it too late.”
“Anna,” he whines again. “Just invite him over one night. Open a bottle of wine, and tell him. He’s not going to care.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“There’s no maybe about it. And really, what’s the alternative? You two fool around like teenagers the rest of your life?”
“Are you still coming to see me?” I ask, trying to change the subject.
“Yep, but probably not for a few weeks, when this show finishes. Which means you better get to crackin’ on your little seduction routine. I’d really rather not be present for your night of debauchery.”
I roll my eyes, but there’s no one there to see except Princess. “Is Aaron coming?”
“Nope. We’re finished.”
“Already?”
“We were together almost six months. That’s a new record for me.”
“Are you sad?”
“Do I sound sad?” Gregory laughs. “I’m starting to think you have the right idea, dating someone outside of ballet and dance. It’s so… incestuous around here. Everyone sleeps with everyone else.”
I mumble under my breath. I never took part in the free love fest at the theater. It was too much drama and nonsense for my tastes, and I was too focused on dance to bother. Mikhail was my one and only exception, and that ended pitifully. “I need to go get ready. We’re going hiking.”
“Hiking? Barbeques? This guy is turning you into a suburbanite. I’m not sure how I feel about this, Anna.”
“I don’t think Garden Grove is big enough to be considered a suburb.”
“Semantics.”
∞∞∞
Jack takes me to a state park almost an hour away from Garden Grove. Plenty of colorful leaves still cling to the tall trees, and our breath fogs lightly in the crisp autumn air. The trail is clear and wide enough for us to walk side by side. Jack’s fingers curls between mine as we move up the gently sloped hillside. “This is so pretty,” I say when we reach a gap in the trees that affords a wider view of the valley below.
I must’ve said that a dozen times as we continued up to the highest peak, where the trail ends in a little viewing area contained by a crumbling rock wall.
“Wow.” The word exited my mouth in a plume of frost. “I can’t believe this.”
Jack smiles at me. “You act like you’ve never been hiking before.”
“I haven’t.”
A small crease forms between his eyebrows. “Really?”
“Believe it or not, there weren’t a lot of places like this where I grew up.”
“But your family didn’t ever go camping or anything, like for vacation?”
I started to laugh. “I think you and I grew up really different. I don’t ever remember taking a vacation, but it was just my Grandma and me. She could never really afford for us to get out of the city.”
“Where were your parents?”
“My mom died when I was younger, and I never knew my dad. He may be dead too for all I know.”
“You never tried to find him?”
“I never really had much to go on. My grandma didn’t know his name. I guess my mom never told her, or she didn’t know.” I fan my hand out and stare at my skin. “I’ve had people ask me if I’m part hispanic or black, and I never know what to say. Maybe I should get one of those DNA tests and find out?”
“You could if you felt like getting poked by a needle.”
I scrunch up my nose. “I’m not really that curious.”
“I guess it doesn't matter one way or the other.” He folded his hands over mine, engulfing them. “Does your Grandma still live in the city?”
“She died when I was twenty.”
“You were all on your own?”
“I had friends, and Princess isn’t my first cat,” I say. Jack gives a tiny almost pout that makes me laugh for some reason. “I had roommates too, remember? I was never on my own.”
Jack brushes off the top of the rock wall, and plops down. He reaches over and pulls me onto his lap. I give a startled yelp when I stare over his shoulder down the steep drop off.
“You think I would let you fall?”
“I hope not.”
He gives me a quick kiss. “Never.”
“So, I’ve been thinking...” I wind my arms around his neck. “Maybe you can find a babysitter tomorrow night, and… you could stay over.”
Jack’s arm across my back stiffens. “I’m not sure if tomorrow would be good.”
“Oh.” I swallow thickly when he doesn’t elaborate after a long pause. “Jack, if you don’t want to yet-”
“No,” he says quick. “I definitely want to, but… tomorrow is Claire’s birthday, and it’s still kind of a tough day for me. I’m not sure…”
“Right. Okay.” I stare at the rolling landscape over his shoulder, trying to decide if I should get up off his lap or not. “How old would she be?”
“Thirty one,” he says briskly.
She was the same age as Jack. Less than two years older than me. I’m curious about her, but he’s obviously uncomfortable talking about it, and will only ever give the barest details when I inquire. “Did she like coming to places like this?” I ask, climbing back up to my feet.
“Sometimes.” Jack stands up as well. He rubs a hand over his mouth, like he is wiping away that kiss we shared earlier. “We never came here specifically. I didn’t think… This is a fresh start for me, and for us, and I’d rather not take you places that me and her…” Shoving his hands in his pockets, he gave a small, tight lipped smile towards the ground between us, clearly ill at ease.
“That makes sense,” I say, because I don’t know what else to say about it.
Is it normal that he’s still avoiding places that they went? I can understand how the occasion of her birthday would be difficult. In theory I can understand, but in reality I don’t feel like I understand a thing.
I guess we both have our secrets, and I’ve been too concerned about how he might react to mine to even consider if he’s really ready to move forward or not.
Lifting my shoulders, I give an exaggerated brrr sound. “You ready to head back?”
Jack nods and falls in step beside me. This time he doesn’t move to hold my hand as we walk. He keeps them hidden in his pockets for warmth.
∞∞∞
I almost want to ask Laura about Jack’s late wife. She’s friends with his twin sister, and she grew up here. She must know something, and Jack’s not giving up any details, but it doesn’t feel right. He’ll tell me when he’s ready. He’s been patient with me, and I can be patient too.
I have two classes on Friday evenings. The first is pointe focused, and I teach it with Laura. I have much more experience, but my physical limitations create a barrier, and unlike the smaller children who are mostly there to have fun, several of these girls are very intent on perfecting the movements. Two in particular show real promise.
One of those girls travels nearly an hour to get to these classes. Her mother knows who I am, and I suppose she thinks it’s worth the drive for the opportunity to work with me. I can’t help but feel honored, but also under pressure. I can tell Kendra is feeling that pressure too. She shows up with circles under her eyes, holding back yawns as we start.Her mother has grilled me about her progress, and asked if these twice weekly classes are really enough.
That particular day she pulls me aside after class to see about arranging for some one on one instruction. “Kendra already has a busy schedule, so I’m not sure when we’d fit it in, but I bet if we put our heads together, we could find the time.” She whips out her phone to consult with a calendar app, chattering nonchalantly about Kendra’s other obligations, gymnastics and tumblings, piano, voice and acting lessons. Kendra is in back changing, so it’s anyone’s guess if she is interested in piling more onto her already overbooked schedule or not.
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br /> “She looks spread a bit thin,” I point out quietly.
Her mother gives me a sharp look that is quickly masked by a tight smile. “Kendra is very driven.”
“I can see that in class.” For the first time I wonder how much of that drive is actually from Kendra, and how much because her mother is pushing her so hard. “But she’s also only fourteen, and-”
“I know how old my daughter is, and I am perfectly aware of what she’s capable of,” she snaps.
“I’m afraid my schedule is a little full.” Some of my natural accent slips through. “And I don’t usually offer private classes.”
“You could’ve just said that to begin with.”
“Sorry to waste your time.”
Kendra saunters over with her bag slung over one shoulder. When I was her age, I devoted all of my free time to dance, but it was my choice. I didn’t have anyone prodding me along. Honestly, I can’t even fathom what that might feel like. My grandma was happy that I was active, and kept myself out of trouble, unlike my own mother, but she never offered anything except gentle, positive encouragement.
“Bye Kendra. I’ll see you next week.” I call out as her mother practically drags her out the door.
“What a bitch,” Laura says, as soon as they are gone.
I don’t bother to disagree. “Did your parents make you take dance classes?”
“When I was little they did a bit. I guess I wanted to quit at some point.” She lets out a high laugh. “I think they were regretting the hell out of making me stick with it when that’s what I decided to major on in college.”
“It all worked out in the end though.”
“Yeah, I guess. Or I could’ve went to law school like my brother.” She takes a look around the empty studio. “He just bought a brand new Mercedes.”
“I can’t really see you being a lawyer.”
“Yeah, me either.” Laura fans out her bare fingers. “Maybe I just need to find a lawyer to put a ring on it, and let him buy me a Mercedes.”