by Renee Fowler
If anything I feel worse off now than before I started, but that probably has more to do with Anna’s absence from my life as anything else. It’s been three weeks since we went our separate ways, two weeks since I’ve seen her.
“How’s the house hunt coming?” Hailey asks.
“I’ve looked at a few places with Sarah, but nothing has really caught our eye yet.”
“How does she feel about moving?”
“She’s a little reluctant. She likes where we’re at right now, but I’m hoping if we find the right place, she’ll get on board.”
“But you’re looking forward to it?”
“I’m trying to. It’s going to be a huge pain in the ass.”
Hailey laughs. “It really is. We just moved five months ago, and there are still a few boxes I haven’t gotten to yet.” She shifts in her seat, and tucks a piece of chin length, auburn hair behind her ear. “What exactly are you hoping this new house will accomplish?”
“It’ll be a fresh start. A clean slate. I hope I’ll be able to put the past behind a little easier without all those reminders around.”
“That makes sense, but what if it doesn’t work?”
“Then I’ll have wasted a lot of time and energy for nothing.”
“I’m not sure if I’d call it wasted. Sometimes change can be good, but we carry our past with us no matter where we go. You knew Claire a long time. The memories you have of her are a part of you.”
“So basically you’re saying I’m screwed.”
Hailey gives me a weak smile. “Do you want to forget about Claire?”
I shake my head.
“But you want to move forward with Anna.”
More than anything. I just nod.
“Why you can't have both?”
“It doesn’t seem fair to Anna.”
“So you want a clean slate before you begin this new relationship?”
“I guess.”
“What you and Claire had was a bit of a unique situation. Most people don’t start with a clean slate. I’m guessing Anna has had relationships before, so she’s carrying those experiences with her too.”
“But every so often I have these really intense memories out of nowhere. With Anna there, it’s almost like I’m standing in the room with both of them. It doesn’t feel right.”
“You could ask Anna to give you a private moment.”
I can’t help but laugh. “I’m not sure how that would go over.”
“From what you told me about her, she seems pretty understanding. She encouraged you to come speak to me, and she was willing to at least try remaining friends for a while. It couldn’t hurt to ask.”
It could hurt her a great deal. “Personally, I’d be a little ticked if she asked for five to sit around and reminisce about her ex.”
“But she’s not you, and while she may have fond memories from past relationships, they ended for one reason or another. Yours ended with no warning, and through no choice of your own.”
I give Hailey a tight smile. Anna may be understanding, but I’m not sure if I could ever ask that of her.
“Have you given any more thought to a goodbye ritual.”
It takes everything in me not to roll my eyes. The whole thing sounds so hokey. Hailey seems to think sitting around, reading a letter outloud to Claire to the tune of a song we liked, maybe with a few candles burning or some crap might help me somehow. I can only imagine Claire laughing her ass off at something like that. “I sort of figured selling the house might be symbolic.”
Hailey nods. “It could be, but it doesn’t have to be such a big gesture, as long as it’s meaningful to you.”
“I’ll have to think about it some more I guess.”
That night I don’t dream, or if I do, I don’t remember it when I wake. I actually feel rested for a change. I feel pretty okay, all things considered, then I remember what the date is, and I’m weighed down again.
We would’ve been married twelve years today.
It’s a bit of a rough morning for me. She’s on my mind, no doubt about that, but it’s not as bad as last year. Every year it gets a little easier. The first wedding anniversary after her death, I was a wretched mess. Jaime was here, thank god. I drank myself to sleep that night, and woke up feeling like hell the next morning.
If it wasn’t for Sarah I have little doubt I would’ve ended up just like my dad after that loss, a good for nothing drunk. But I do have Sarah, so I’ve kept that nonsense to the really bad days.
People tell you, it gets easier. I didn’t believe it for a long time, and it’s hard to see when you’re stuck in the monotonous rut of day after day, but things have slowly and gradually gotten better. I’m a helluva lot better off today than I was five years ago, no doubt about that, but I’m still not the man I was before she died. Maybe I never will be again.
It’s rainy and chilly outside, and I almost talk myself out of going to visit her grave. Would not going this year be progress? Maybe I should’ve asked Hailey yesterday. Knowing her, she probably would’ve turned it around and ask me if I thought it was progress or not.
I’m paying this woman sixty-five bucks an hour to ask me questions that no one has the answers to.
In the end I decide I ought to go, so I leave Sarah with Jamie in the afternoon. At the last minute, I run back upstairs to my room to grab something out of the top bureau drawer.
I only spot one other car at the graveyard. I wonder who they’re coming to see. Was it a special occasion for them too? When she was alive we never did anything too special for our anniversary. We took a little weekend trip a few times. Once or twice we just stayed home, built a fire, had a few beers, and ordered something in.
Who could’ve predicted that we’d only get five?
The ground is soft and squishy under my shoes. I didn’t think to bring an umbrella, and I am soaked before I reach her gravestone. “Happy anniversary, Claire. It’s been a while. Since your birthday. I don’t come out here as much as I used to, do I?”
Despite shivering with cold, I’m actually glad for the rain. It drowns out the sound of me talking. Maybe there’s no one around, but I still feel like a moron as I chatter to thin air.
“I’ve been thinking about selling the house, but I don’t know. It’s Sarah’s home. She loves it there, and with the holidays coming up, it’s a bad time. Maybe I will one day, but I think I’m going to put that idea on hold for right now.”
A noisy truck rattles through the cemetery, and I bow my head until it passes.
“I finally got around to clearing out our old room. There’s not a thing left in there now. I got rid of it all. Jamie’s gonna have a baby, if you can believe that. We’re waiting to see what she’s having, then I guess I’ll paint it pink or blue, or whatever else she wants.
“Sarah’s excited like you wouldn’t believe. There’s so much about her you wouldn’t believe now, Claire. She looks just like you, and she reminds me of you a lot, but she’s her own person too. Some of the things she says and does, I don’t know where the hell it comes from. She’s got that old deer trophy of yours hanging in her room now. She named it Charlotte. I tried to tell her it was a buck, but you can’t tell her much. She’s got necklaces and little ornaments hanging from the antlers. I hope you don’t mind.”
Shaking my head, I pause to laugh.
“Sarah’s doing okay though. She loves when I talk about you, but she misses Anna. She keeps asking why she’s not around, and I don’t know what to say. I miss her too. She’s so different than you, like night and day different. I never imagined myself with anyone like her, but I guess I never thought about it. I never had to. I always had you.”
I take the ring out of my pocket, but I don’t slide it on my finger. I hold it in the center of my palm, and stare at it for a while. Claire was buried with her ring on, which I debated on at the time. I almost wanted to hang on to it, but she always wore it, and it didn’t feel right to take it from her.
I neve
r took mine off either. I wore it for more than a year after she was gone too. It didn’t feel natural without that small weight around my finger, but eventually I got used to being without it.
“I would’ve never taken this off if you had stayed with me, Claire. I know we were young when we got married, but we would’ve made it the whole way. I’ve never doubted that for a second.”
Kneeling down right in front of her grave marker, I brush off the bit of rainwater and debris. I’m a tearful, snotty mess as I shove the gold band into the soft earth. I push it down as far as I can with my fingers, right up beside the beveled, bronze placard.
“You gave this to me, and now I’m giving it back. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore. I’ll always love you, Claire. But I love someone else now too, and me hanging on to you like I have been, it isn’t doing right by her, and it’s tearing me the hell apart.
“This is probably the last wedding anniversary I visit. You were my whole world while you were here, but you’re not in this world anymore, and I’ve gotta believe you would want me to be happy. I need to let you go. We were only married for those five years, but I knew you all those years before.” I quickly do the math in my head. “I had you in my life for seventeen years. I wish it could’ve been more, but like you always said, wish in one hand, shit in the other, right?” The sound I make is halfway between a sob and a laugh. “I won’t let Sarah forget about you. I promise I’ll bring her on your birthday. I won’t forget about you either. Never. You’ll always be in my heart, Clairebear.”
Chapter 27
Anna
“What happened to you?” Without thinking, I pull Jack inside. He’s soaking wet, and shivering. I snag the throw off the back of the couch and wrap it around him. “Are you okay? Did your car break down? Did you walk here in the rain?”
His teeth are chattering lightly. He shakes his head down at the little puddle he’s leaving near the door. “Sorry. I should’ve went home and changed first, but I had to talk to you.”
“Don’t be sorry.” I haven’t seen Jack for weeks. It almost doesn’t seem real to have him here in front of me.
“God, I missed you.” His fingers on the sides of my face are icy.
I press my palms over hands, trying to warm them, just needing to touch him. “I missed you too.”
“I love you, Anna. The night you said it to me, I wanted to say it back, but I had some things to sort through. I had to figure out a way to say goodbye to Claire first, and I think I finally realized... I can’t. Not all the way
“A part of me is always going to love her, but it doesn’t mean I love you any less. I hope it’s enough, because it’s the best I’ve got. Being without you these last few weeks has been awful. It made me remember what my life was like before I found you. The only reason I got out of bed in the morning, was for Sarah. I was on autopilot. I was numb to everything, but you made me feel again.”
“You did the same thing for me, Jack.” When I met him, I was looking for a reason to get out of bed in the morning too. I was trying to make sense of my life that had turned out so different than I’d planned.
“You know I don’t give a damn about ballet, but that first day when I came to sign Sarah up for classes. I stood there for I don’t know how long, just watching you. You were beautiful, and the way you were moving was beautiful. It kind of woke something up inside me, and I knew I had to talk to you. God, that sounds fucking stupid.”
I shake my head quickly. “It doesn’t sound stupid. That’s probably the nicest thing…” my throat grows too thick to continue speaking. At the heart of it, that’s what ballet is about. It’s not just telling a story. It’s trying to evoke an emotion, to make people feel something. I’m glad that at least one person is able to appreciate what I’m still capable of. And I’m happy that I could do that for Jack, who’s taught me to appreciate so much outside of ballet, which used to be my whole world.
He woke something up inside me too.
Jack kisses me. His lips are cold, but they quickly warm against mine. I’ve cried so much these last few weeks. I didn’t think I had tears left, but these are tears of utter joy and relief. He breaks his mouth off mine, and says those three words again, the one’s I’ve been wishing and praying to hear in his voice. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“You’re really okay with this?”
“I wouldn’t expect you to pretend she didn’t exist. That wouldn’t be right.”
“I don’t know how I got so lucky to find you. I want to tell you everyday, and show you everyday, for the rest of my life, because I really do, Anna. I love you.”
“Are you coming back to bed?” a voice rings out from my room.
Jack’s mouth fell open into a shocked, pained expression.
“That’s Gregory! He had his ankle operated on, and I’ve been looking after him.”
Jack rested his forehead against mine, and breathed out a quiet relieved laugh. “Shit. I thought I waited too late, that you already moved on.”
“Are you kidding me? I was a mess. I missed you so much.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“Don’t be sorry. I understand.” Maybe I’ll never understand it completely, but I got a tiny glimmer of what he experienced these last few weeks. I’ve never loved anyone like I love Jack, and being without him left me gutted. If he had never come back to me, I think I would’ve always missed him a little.
“Anna?” Gregory calls.
“I should go,” Jack says.
“No, please don’t go yet. Let me check on him, and I can get you a robe or something. I’ll throw your clothes in the dryer.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Jack, you’re freezing. Go take a hot shower to warm up, but leave the door unlocked. I’ll grab your clothes, and lay something out for you to wear.”
He kisses me again. I never want him to stop, but he is going to catch pneumonia if he doesn’t get out of these wet clothes. I tear my lips away from his, and shoo him towards the bathroom.
“There you are,” Gregory says, when I open my bedroom door. His booted foot is propped up on pillows. Princess is curled up beside him, and he has the remote in his hand, ready to resume the movie we were in the middle of when I heard that knock at the door. “Who was it?”
“It’s Jack, and he loves me!” I say in an excited whisper. “So are you okay in here for a little bit on your own?”
Gregory smiles. “I’ll make due. I’ve got our baby to keep me company.”
“Yell if you need something.” I snag the only robe I have big enough to fit Jack from my closet.
My small bathroom is filled with steam, and Jack’s large frame is a shadow behind the opaque shower curtain. I lay the robe across the vanity, and snag up his sodden clothes from the floor to put in the dryer.
When Jack eventually emerges from the bathroom, with pink skin and wet, slicked back hair, he holds his arms out and stares down at his body. “I know beggars can’t be choosers, but… really?”
“It’s the only thing I have that would fit you,” I say about the pink, floral printed kimono.
I take him by the hand, and lead him over to the couch. We talk for a long time about what he’s been discussing in therapy, and about Claire a bit. Some I’ve already heard from Laura, but I keep my lips pressed together, and let him speak. It feels like he needs to tell me himself.
That bit of jealousy I had weeks earlier fades away. Jack has a big heart. It’s blatantly obvious in the way he cares for his daughter, how he talks about his sister, and his late wife. I’ve got to believe there’s room in there for me too.
His eyes are a calm, clear blue, nothing like the conflicted, stormy sky color from before. I think he’s finally made peace with it.
For his sake, and mine, I hope so.
“I can’t believe I’m having a gushy, feelings conversation with you while I wear your pink… what the hell is this thing?”
“It’s a kim
ono. Maybe there aren’t a lot of men that could pull that off, but you make it work,” I assure him, laying a palm over the triangle of bare chest not covered by silk. “I’m just glad you’re finally opening up to me a bit. We love each other, and we should be able to talk about anything, even if you are dressed like a bubblegum geisha.”
Jack gives me one of his devastating smiles that makes my stomach clench. I kiss him, and before long, he has me pulled up on his lap. “It’s a shame we’re not alone,” he says against my neck, as his fingertips dance along my spine, beneath the fabric of my shirt.
“Let me check on him.” After one more long, lingering kiss, I stand up on shaky legs, and go to peek in on Gregory. “He’s curled up with Princess, sleeping like a baby,” I say when I return. “And he needs me to help him get up, so we’re okay.”
Okay doesn’t begin to describe how I feel as Jack peels my clothes off, kissing me and touching me all over as we undress each other. He’s so gentle and careful with me, like I’m fragile, or something incredibly precious to him. But there’s a tipping point where the pent up lust comes to boil. I think we’re both feeling it as he pulls me beneath him on the couch, the frustration of that time apart.
The low growling sound he makes as he sinks into me sets me on fire, makes my back arch. It makes me glad I don’t have to hold back this time, because those words pour out of me all on their own. I love him, and I love the way he feels so perfect on top of me, and inside of me. I love to feel the corded muscles of his back shift beneath my palms as he moves. I love the way he lifts my one calf up to his shoulder, and lightly bites the inside of my knee. I love that so much, my toes curl, and my head tips back. I love that when I finally come down enough to open my eyes again, I find his eyes fixed on my face.
“I fucking love to watch you come, Anna.”
I love to watch that moment for him too, and the way he says my name as he does, like a whispered, reverent prayer, I know right then I really do have a place in his heart already.
∞∞∞
Within a few days Gregory is up hobbling around unassisted, and within two weeks, I’m driving him back to the bus station. This time he’s departing for florida for the upcoming holiday. He’s still not sure if he’ll try to return to dance after this break or not. Personally I think he’d be better off to start forging a new life, but he didn’t ask for my opinion, and I didn’t offer it. I know it’s a hard call to make. It’s not as black or white for him as it was for me.