“Well, I have my department of help,” said Agatha, “handed over to me, clean-cut and settled, the youngest boy. My charge will be to see that he does not suffer more than he must from his family’s position; to make up to him, as far as is in me, for his tragic loss. I hope I am qualified to do it. For whether I am or not, he will look to me to accomplish it.”
“My singled-out sister!” said Geraldine, looking round.
“Through no choice of mine. The choice is his. I have not had much say in the matter. It is just assumed that I am at his disposal; and indeed I am, if I can do any good. I think the most ticklish part of the business will be to convince him that I do not think less of him for this ghastly uncertainty, that I take him on his own merits, as a human being by himself. It must be so hard for a young man to put his mother aside, put her aside in spirit as an ideal, and turn elsewhere. I feel so for him in the adjustment. I hope I shall make it as easy as it can be made.”
Agatha perceived that a silence was attending her words, and looked round to see Gregory standing at her side.
“We have been talking about you,” she said, without a break in her tone. “I have been saying that you and I will have even more between us, now you are to be thrown on your own resources. Shall we arrange our next meeting?” She moved to put herself between Gregory and the onlookers.
“No, I don’t think so just now. It is not quite the time for it, not until things are clear between us,” said Gregory, in a voice that would be overheard as conversational. “I daresay you were not thinking of what you were saying, but if you were, I have let you make a mistake. You will allow me to put it right, as the mistake is mine. No one can take the place of my mother to me. You would have seen that, if it had not been for me. She will always be one by herself in my memory; not as an ideal; I do not want an ideal; simply as my mother and as what she was in herself and to me.” He moved away as if his words had been casual, and looked in a friendly way at the other faces.
Agatha, after a moment of standing still, walked in a cheerful way to her work, and settled to it with some appearance of compunction. Looking up at Gregory, she saw the direction of his eyes, and presently rose and stepped out into the room.
“Now, you two young people!” she said, beckoning to Polly, and drawing her to Gregory by the hand. “You can go off and have a time by yourselves. We don’t want to force our middle-aged point of view on you young things. I am sure I don’t. You have let me see what you want from me too well. That is what I like from young people, a real understanding of what they want, so that I can give it to them. If I make mistakes, I never hold to them; I know what it is my aim to do in the world better than that.”
She pushed them gently away, and turned to welcome Bellamy, with an air of transferring her interest.
“Mrs. Calkin, I have had reason to complain before of your partial ways. As you are the head of the meeting, you should be more gallant. I have been here several minutes, and you have not dreamed of telling me that I could go away with your sister Kate. You go on as usual, simply favouring Gregory.”
Agatha looked from Bellamy to her sister, who had come up to her at his side.
“Are you two going to be married?” said Geraldine in a sudden, piercing tone.
“Yes, but I never have before, and Ernest has only once,” said Kate. “It is not a matter of forming bad habits. And I promise I never will again. It would not be fair for Ernest to promise that at his age.”
“When you are old enough to be his mother!” cried Geraldine. “Women who are older than their husbands are always old enough to be their mothers. Seven years is quite enough for it.”
“The juxtaposition shows up the difference,” said Kate, smiling.
“And everybody helps to show it up,” said Rachel. “But we will neither of us mind them, my dear.”
“Oh, now, you two, I thought there was something going on,” said Agatha, lifting her finger. “It is extraordinary how we can feel that something is happening, and not put words to it, and then realise we have grasped it in its nature all the time. I don’t think I have been in any essential doubt, though I had a moment’s superficial surprise. My state was one of fundamental preparation.”
“I am not very preoccupied with these things,” said Geraldine. “They don’t seem to reach the fundamental part of me. But it is all the more interesting when it is a surprise. I feel in quite high spirits. I always think my friends marry simply for my entertainment.”
“Then we are in favour with you,” said Bellamy.
“I do congratulate you, Kate. I am so glad,” said Gregory.
“Ah now, and you, Gregory!” said Agatha. “I don’t think you will go on deceiving us much longer. You haven’t deceived me for some time, though I own I thought you were still deceiving yourselves. I was not prepared to see it come up to the surface quite so soon. You have ‘had’ even me in a way.”
“Well, Polly is not old enough to be Gregory’s mother,” said Geraldine.
“No, it will bring everything back to Percy,” said Rachel.
“It is the commoner thing of the two,” said Geraldine.
“Yes, nearly everything brings it back,” said Rachel.
“Well, I suppose I ought to be pouring out sisterly congratulations,” said Geraldine. “I don’t know if it is a compliment to Kate to tell her I am glad to be rid of her. She is only going as far as the rectory. It hardly seems a proper marriage at all. I am not good at feminine response to these demands; I don’t feel any answering chord is struck. I believe the people are right who say I ought to have been a man.”
“That is very satisfying for you,” said Rachel. “We are often at variance with people who tell us what we ought to have been. Percy cannot agree that he ought to have been a bachelor, and ought to have had a son. Percy would never agree to both. And Polly may not agree that she ought not to have been born.”
“Well, now, I think we ought to be getting on with our work,” said Agatha, spacing her words. “This is a working party, and I don’t see why I should countenance its being used for anything else. Now settle down, all of you, and make up for lost time. And if you two men don’t want to make yourselves useful, you can just go away. We don’t want you here if you are going to be idle.”
“I am not going to be. I am going to keep handing Kate her scissors,” said Bellamy. “I know a great deal about ladies’ sewing, and handing scissors saves a surprising amount of time. Needles and cotton are less elusive.”
“Oh, we shall always be handed things now!” said Geraldine. “We shall have a man in the family.”
“That sounds kind and hospitable,” said Bellamy. “But I hope you will not try to make a man of me, Geraldine. Kate will explain to you that I have to be a clergyman.”
“I have no particular partiality for manly men,” said Geraldine. “They are rather crude creatures, I always think.”
“Yes, so they are,” said Bellamy, “more so than womanly women. Everyone is best in between.”
“That is what I have always been accused of being,” said Geraldine.
“Then there is already a family likeness between us,” said Bellamy. “I am quite settled in my mind about you. But now there is a dreadful thing before me. There is a cause and just impediment. I shall have to call Mrs. Calkin Agatha.”
“We will not expect you to come to that all at once,” said Agatha, smiling at him as if from above. “I am a great many years older than you. I am not going to take up a position of being anything else. I shall expect you to regard me only as a very maternal sister-in-law.”
“Agatha is said to be candid,” said Mellicent, “but I wonder if she knows how candid she is.”
“He will have to rise on the stepping-stone of me to higher things,” said Geraldine. “He got as far as me quite easily. He is making the most remarkable progress.”
“Mellicent, my dear, why have you stopped working for the poor?” said Rachel.
“Jermyn has come to call
for me; I saw him out of the window.”
“Jermyn, take her away before she leaves me anything more to alter,” said Rachel. “Really this is not fit for the poor. I don’t see how any unfortunate person could wear it, not anyone already unfortunate.”
“It is plain and strong,” said Mellicent.
“I hardly liked to put it into words, but it is, isn’t it? We must not call the poor thriftless, and then treat them as if they were not. What is the good of knowing about them?”
“What do you think, Mellicent?” said Jermyn, accompanying her along the road.
“I thought the verses very interesting, some of them, especially those with the definite signs of early youth. Something seems to go in the later ones.”
“Well, perhaps those are more in my real manner. What do you think of their quality?”
“I think they are by no means without a worth of their own.”
“You think me a fool to have published?”
“No, I think you are fortunate. My father is poorer than yours. That is the difference between us there.”
“Mellicent, I hope that some day I shall have the right to publish your work. I am helpless until my own can struggle into the light of itself.”
“And shall I not also be at that stage by then?”
“You did not misunderstand me.”
“No, you made yourself clear. Would you like it except in the way you have planned?”
“You can’t think I should not be overjoyed if you were to get rapid success. We can never tell what work will come most promptly into its first, facile credit.”
“You hold to your plan,” said Mellicent. “Would you like a wife who was better than yourself on your own line?”
“Yes, if she really were better. But married people can’t continue on the same line. To a man and a woman there must in the end be a man and a woman’s life.”
“Now I have not refused you,” said Mellicent. “You have refused me.”
“You have not written much lately, have you?” said Jermyn after a silence. “I should like to see the poems I have not seen.”
“You have not seen most of them. I can send them if you like.”
“I should like it indeed. But I must make it clear, that as you don’t want men and women distinctions in these things, I must not see it a case for chivalry. If you don’t want my opinion, don’t ask for it.”
“I have not asked for it,” said Mellicent, laughing. “It is you who ask to form it. Of course it is not a case for chivalry. I shouldn’t expect it from a man who had refused me.”
“Well, you will send the poems to-night,” said Jermyn, waving a farewell.
“What will you do, my dear?” said Rachel, coming out of Agatha’s gate, where the two had parted.
“Send my poems to Jermyn.”
“Has it been as bad as that? Must you really? Being cruel to be kind is such dreadful cruelty. Being cruel to be cruel is better.”
“I think Jermyn takes it for that.”
“Well, it might have been worse. You are still friends, then?”
“Yes,” said Mellicent, smiling to herself.
“You refused his offer?” said her stepmother.
“No, he withdrew it.”
“Oh yes, the poems,” said Rachel. “Must you really be a spinster, even though people will never understand it?”
“People like you will understand it.”
“But do you realise how uncommon I am? There are no people like me.”
“I think I am like you in one small way. Your happiest years were your single ones.”
“Well, a selfish life is lovely, darling,” said Rachel. “It is awful to be of use.”
Chapter XXVII
“My Dear Boy, my heart aches at seeing you set off. I don’t know when I have had a moment that gave me a lump in my throat like this. I could set the waterworks on like a woman, if I let go of myself. I don’t make any bones about it.”
“You don’t, Father,” said Matthew.
“You take your father’s blessing with you,” Godfrey continued, bringing his hand down on his son’s shoulder, and appearing to be deterred by convention from embracing him. “And I don’t need to say that your mother’s goes with it. I am as convinced of that as that I am standing here. I can say no more.”
“Matthew knows that if there was anything more, you would say it,” said Griselda.
“You have gone the full length, Father,” said Matthew.
“You will have to go over it all again when I set off to Cambridge,” said Jermyn. “I can’t be put off with a lesser portion.”
“Oh, my dear boy, that is not quite the same,” said Godfrey, with a lighter hand for his second son. “Matthew and I have been through so much together that it has made a bond between us. There is that between Matthew and his father. And Matthew was the first born to me and his mother.”
“We are not disputing it, Father,” said Matthew, going a step further.
“Ah, Matthew, the future before you; an old man myself,” said Sir Percy. “I don’t want you to think of an old man. I shall be thinking of you; you need not give a thought to it.”
“Ah, thank you, my dear old friend,” said Godfrey, just avoiding monotony in gesture. “Matthew’s heart is too full for words this morning.”
“Matthew comes in for more and more credit, and deserves it,” said Jermyn.
“The rest of us might make a suitable response,” said Gregory.
“If you think, he has always been the silent one,” said Griselda.
“Good-bye, Grisel; good-bye, Father; good-bye, all. Thanks very much,” said Matthew, passing to the carriage.
“Ah, good-bye, my dear boy!” said Godfrey, standing with his hand over his eyes. “Yes, there he goes, our eldest son. His mother’s eyes are on him and all of us at the moment of our parting.”
“I don’t believe Harriet gives her attention to everyone but me like that,” said Rachel.
“I am sure she does not, Rachel. Her eyes are on you as you take her place to her children,” Godfrey assured her, walking with his back towards her into the house.
“Not as I go back to my own concerns?” said Rachel.
“Yes, yes, Rachel, we will go home,” said her husband.
“I must learn not always to be here. Habits get so set in old age. Harriet must sometimes look down and see her place vacant for herself. I was quite superfluous this morning, with her doing everything. She must have been pleased with Matthew’s departure. He hardly said a word, and his father did all he could to show him up.”
“Ah, you miss Harriet, Rachel,” said Sir Percy, for the first time since Harriet’s death.
“Yes. I am almost falling into Godfrey’s method of keeping her.”
Godfrey went into the library and threw himself into a chair, to find his common solace in his own companionship.
“Well, well, a turning point, a parting of the ways. My wife gone, my boy Matthew gone, the other children off on their own lives. The last to come, the first to marry. Nothing but an old grandfather before long. I must depend on myself. That time comes to most of us sooner or later. I shan’t find it as easy as I once should have. I had those months with the young ones alone; a good time, good children, good to their father. It isn’t as if I were starting again, with the relief of taking the days for myself in peace. Yes, well, there are other things, but there is relief. I won’t shirk looking at myself. If Harriet knows my heart, she knows that. There are not worse things in it than in other men’s. Better, I shouldn’t be surprised; I am an easy sort of fellow. Harriet didn’t have trouble with me. She might have had, ageing so early, my poor girl. I should have been ashamed to let her have it.” He sat up and his voice gained force. “I can say that for myself. If that is Buttermere sneaking into the room, he leaves the house this minute!”
Godfrey sprang to his feet and strode to the door, to receive Camilla into his arms.
“Dear Sir Godfrey, Matthew has lef
t you? I had to come and say a word. I waited until he was gone, because I would not hurt him by seeing him. I wish I had done him less harm. If you ever speak to him of me, say that I wish I had done him only good. He will understand. But I could not help it. I can’t help these things I do to men. Say that you understand me.”
“My dear Camilla, my dear girl, I do indeed say it. You know I wished to have you for my daughter. And my wife would have come to wish it too. My heart rises up and tells me so. And I thank you for what you say about her. Your words are as balm to my soul. They cheer me as I set off on my lonely path, hardly seeing what is in front of me. I do not set myself up to be of account. I am content to live with little.”
“You make me feel I have done more harm than I thought. I shall have no peace. I cannot bear you to waste the prime of your life. I always loved you better than Matthew.”
“Did you, Camilla? Did you, my dear?” said Godfrey in a far-away tone.
“I did, I did. I can’t go on with my life until you are going on with yours.”
“Cannot you, Camilla?” said Godfrey, as if the appeal of this just came home.
“Say you will never be different.”
“Well, well, I will say I will never be different to you, Camilla. It is something to you to know that, is it, my dear?”
“You take advantage of my betraying myself in a moment of emotion!” said Camilla, moving away and throwing on him a different eye.
“Well, your feeling in that way is something to me. It will be a spar for me to hold on to, as I flounder through my life, trying to do my best, trying to look forward, with little enough to give me courage. People do not see me as you do, Camilla. They leave me to go my own way, as they go theirs. They cast not a look to the right or the left.”
“We all have our special ones,” said Camilla, with her head down.
“And I am your special one, Camilla? I have always felt my heart go out to my son’s future wife. You have been dear as a daughter to me. I shall look always to see you, and have the support of your words. You are the only one who sees me as I am, as I see myself, and not as a husk left over, with the kernel gone. For my dear and loyal wife, Camilla, that gifted and devoted woman, is seen to have left me somehow emptied, bereft of something, drained by what I have had to give, and have given so willingly.”
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