Suddenly James realized where he was and why they were there. His face turned a deep crimson as he watched his companions choose which girl they wanted. Although he desperately wanted to leave, he knew his friends would never allow it.
Having no alternative, he was looking around the room trying to decide which of the girls looked the cleanest when one of them took hold of his hand and asked, “You’ve not been to a place like this before have you, dearie?”
James was speechless, but he managed to shake his head.
“Well, don’t you worry, lovey. My name is Goldie, and you and I are going to get along just fine. I think a drink would help, don’t you agree?”
James, surprised by the refined tone of her voice, managed a weak smile while nodding his approval. He hadn’t noticed a small bar in a corner of the room, or the large and muscular black man behind it, until Goldie motioned for him to bring them two drinks as she led James to one of the settees.
When the bartender delivered the drinks, James was shocked at the cost, but the size of the bartender prevented him from complaining. The drink relaxed him a little, and they sat and talked for a short time. She surprised him by asking intelligent questions about his studies before taking his hand and leading him to one of many rooms off a long hallway, each with a different girl’s name on the door.
Goldie’s room appeared very small to James, but she said it was much larger than most, because she had seniority. She was also proud to point out that it was one of the only rooms with a window. Although it was sparsely furnished, it smelled clean. The walls were covered with wallpaper patterned with harp-playing angels, and the inappropriateness struck James as humorous, and he couldn’t repress a giggle.
His calmness, however, began to wane as Goldie began unbuttoning his trousers. Once she had loosened them, she gently pushed him down on the bed and took off her robe.
He had never seen a nude woman before except in paintings and books, and they weren’t nearly as intimidating.
Noticing that he wasn’t yet aroused, Goldie lay down on the bed beside him and placed his hand between her legs. He yanked his hand back as though she had put it into a vat of boiling oil.
“Oh my, you are edgy, aren’t you?” she said and then jokingly added, “It won’t bite, you know.” Next, she took hold of both his hands and put one on her breast and the other back between her thighs.
James was shocked motionless for a second, but when Goldie’s hips began to gyrate, the bile rose in his throat.
He pulled his hands away, jumped up from the bed, ran to the open window, and heaved. Goldie, taking little umbrage, went over to him, held his head as gentle as a mother, and offered “tsk” after “tsk” sympathetically.
When he finished vomiting, he mumbled an apology as she led him to the bed, sat him down, and began wiping his face with a wet cloth.
“There’s no need to apologize, my dear. You will find as you grow older that there are many more like you.”
James had no idea what she was talking about, so he just said it must have been the drink that upset him.
Goldie didn’t argue. Instead, she said that she wasn’t that fond of her work either.
“I have to support my two little ones and my sick mother-in-law. My husband died five years ago, so I have no choice,” she said, but James was dreading facing his friends so much that he hardly heard her.
Goldie seemed to understand, and when they returned to the salon and saw that the three boys were waiting for him with silly grins on their faces, she came to his rescue. Putting an arm around his waist, and making sure everyone in the room overheard, she praised his performance and made him promise to choose her the next time he came.
Norris and the others dubbed him “Lord Stallion” and congratulated him all the way home. He accepted the compliments with feigned pleasure but felt like a cheat and a liar, a feeling he had never experienced before and didn’t enjoy.
Now, as he looked into the pond, Goldie’s words came back to him. “You will find as you grow older that there are many more like you.” It was odd that he could recall her words after all those years, and he wondered if she had thought he was like Percy and Helmut. He assured himself that she was mistaken. Unlike him, neither Helmut nor Percy had ever married, and that should be proof enough.
What he refused to admit was how he took little pleasure in consummating his marriage. However, there was something about Percy’s kiss that scared him.
By marrying Gladys, he had hoped to prove that he had the same sexual desires as all the other men he knew, should anyone think otherwise. Now he had to prove it to himself.
Chapter Seventeen
James returned home late that afternoon and was told Percy had been there and left a message to say he would return the following day.
James thought it would be better to settle things with his friend at his home rather than at Four Oaks. It was a pleasant evening, so he decided to take his buggy and leave directly after dinner.
He now realized that his lack of sexual interest in the fairer sex may have caused Percy to misjudge him. Once he explained that he could never be more than a good friend, he thought there was no reason they couldn’t forget the incident and resume their friendship.
He arrived at Percy’s flat in good spirits, but when his friend answered the door, his heart began to pound and he felt faint.
“What’s wrong, old boy?” Percy asked, noting James’s sudden pallor.
“I’m fine, just fine,” James stammered.
“Well, you don’t look it. You had better come in and sit down before you fall down.” When he went to take James’s arm to steady him, James avoided his touch. Percy became a little perturbed.
“Look here, James, you needn’t worry. I have no intention of molesting you. I apologize for what happened last night. What I did was out of order, but I promise it shall never happen again. Now come in and sit down while I put the kettle on.”
Neither spoke again until they were seated at the kitchen table drinking tea. Percy began, “I think we need to talk, James.”
“You could have told me about you and Helmut,” James burst out accusingly.
“I just took it for granted that you knew.”
“Why would you do that? Surely you did not think I would approve?”
“Are you saying that had you known, Helmut and I would not have been welcome under your roof?”
“Of course not, but that does not mean I sanction that sort of relationship.”
“I never thought I would be accusing you of being a bigot.”
“I hardly think objecting to a criminal act has anything to do with bigotry.”
“Oh, come now, James. You know perfectly well I am not a criminal.”
“What you and Helmut did was against the law. Sodomy is indecent, and anyone who does it is committing a sin.”
“Good Lord, you surely do not mean to say that someone as saintly as Helmut should be judged a sinner? Why, that man did more for mankind in one week than you or I shall do during our entire lives. And his sexual preference did not hurt a soul.”
“Say what you will,” James replied sharply, “but according to the Bible, God intended men to couple with women and not other men.”
“God intended us to show unconditional love for one another, but few of us do it. Most men and women are the way you think they should be, but a good percentage of us are not. I have no idea why, but I do know that someday someone will find out, and when that day comes, we shall be able to be together without worrying about being thrown in prisons.”
“You do not have to surrender to your passions, Percy. You can fight it.”
“I have seen too many who thought that. They ended up jumping off the London Bridge. No, James. I have known true love and happiness, and for a while I thought I might find it again, but I am sorry to say that if y
ou remain in denial, you shall die a very sad old man.”
“That may be better than dying a sinner.”
“You may call me a sinner if you choose to, James, but would you call all those who are born with some deformity sinners? Like myself, they did not ask to be created that way, but since we were, we should have as much right to happiness as anyone. Now if you cannot understand that, I have nothing more to say to you, so I think you had better leave. I shall be selling my place here and moving back to London. If you want to terminate my employment, you know where to reach me.”
Percy handed James his coat and opened the door.
Unable to think of anything pertinent to offer, James silently took his coat and left. Unconscious of his movements, he climbed into his buggy and took the reins. He was well out of town before he fully realized what had happened. It was over. He had lost the best friend he ever had. He shuddered as a feeling of emptiness overtook him. Although he put on his jacket, it did little to warm him.
Gladys was upset when James told her that Percy was selling his house in Sandwich and intended to live in London all year round. When she suggested that they host a farewell party for him, James confessed that they were no longer friends. She knew how fond the two men were of each other, and for days she continued to pester him to do all he could to resolve their differences.
Finally, he confided in her about Percy and Helmut’s relationship. He could hardly believe it when she took the news lightly and added that she had assumed as much.
“And you approved?” he asked.
“I saw how happy they were, so how could I not?” Gladys answered.
“But it is against the law.”
“I had a friend called Millie who was an actress, and she told me that there were many very well-known and respectable men who fancied men rather than women, but they had to keep it a secret. She said there were those who even suspected that Shakespeare might have had a beau or two.”
“I care not who they are, they should be ashamed.”
They were sitting in the library, and Gladys reached over, put her hand on his, and, in an understanding tone of voice, asked, “James, are you worried that you may share the same sort of feelings toward Percy that Helmut did?”
James yanked his hand away and snapped, “No! Certainly not. But that is what Percy thought. I am not like him and never shall be.”
“I never meant to hurt your feelings, James; it is just that if you were, I would not blame you. Percy is a very charming and kind man.”
James jumped up and angrily declared, “I do not wish to discuss the subject, and I do not want Percy’s name mentioned in this house again.” With that, he left the room.
For the next few months, James did his best to appear happy, but memories of the good times that he had shared with Percy kept haunting him, and the only relief he could find came from a bottle of alcohol. For a while, Gladys did her best to involve him in the social life they once had. She invited Bob and Tina Rudyard, Mary, and other friends for evenings of singing or playing games, but James refused to join in. He would, however, make a brief appearance before feigning a headache or some other ailment and excusing himself. Before long, he even refused to do that, and Gladys stopped inviting people.
One evening after she had attended the theatre with Tina and Bob, she returned home late and was surprised to find James had waited up for her. As usual, he had been drinking heavily, and when he rose to welcome her, he had trouble standing.
Gladys hastened to put her arm around him and said, “Here, James, let me help you to bed.”
Instead of resisting, James answered, “Yes, my dear, it is about time we went to bed.”
As she led him down the hall and went to turn into his apartment, he stopped short and announced, “Oh no, not my bed, my love, your bed.”
Gladys was stunned. “What do you mean ‘my bed?’”
“Just that. It is high time we made this a true marriage.”
“But, James, remember your promise?”
He shook his head side to side and mumbled, “Sorry, Gladys, so sorry. You see, I must do this.”
Gladys heard the anguish in his voice, and her heart went out to him. She owed him so very much, how could she refuse? She reasoned that because she would never see Toughie again, she wasn’t being unfaithful, and perhaps it would erase the doubts that she knew were driving James to drink. “What about Eddy?” she asked.
“Edward? He is sleeping in the nursery,” he answered.
James managed to consummate their marriage that night before he passed out, but he did it without pleasure and was not even fully aware of the act.
Gladys spent the rest of the night on her divan and was up, dressed, and out of the room before he awoke. Without realizing it, James had mumbled Percy’s name during the coupling, which confirmed Gladys’s suspicions as to his true sentiments.
When James woke in the morning, he had such a pounding headache that he didn’t feel he could open his eyes, so he kept them closed as he reached out to his night table to ring the bell for Jenkins.
After waving his hand about wildly, he slowly opened one eye. The other eye opened much quicker when he realized the bed he was in was not his own. For a second, he couldn’t understand not only why he was in Gladys’s room but stark naked as well. Then some of the events that took place the night before slowly came back to him.
He remembered telling Jenkins to go to bed and that he would wait up for Gladys. He knew he had spent the evening drinking more than usual but had trouble remembering why. There was only one reason he could think of for being in his wife’s bed, and the realization of what he had done made him feel sick with guilt.
Sitting up very slowly, he looked around. There was no sign of Gladys, but his clothes were folded over a chair. Hoping he had come to her room and passed out and that she had put him to bed was the only thing he could think of to ease his conscience.
Hurriedly, he put on his clothes, peered out the door, and looked furtively up and down the hall. Seeing no one there, he made a dash to his own apartment.
It was a tremendous relief when he came down to breakfast and Gladys greeted him with her usual smile. He longed to apologize for his behaviour but wasn’t quite sure what to apologize for, so he didn’t say anything.
Gladys was disappointed in him for breaking his promise, but because she felt indebted to him, she decided not to make an issue of it.
James never requested her company in bed again, and afraid he might make the same mistake, he even cut down on his drinking, and life in the manor improved.
For a time, Gladys dreaded the evenings in fear that James would want to sleep with her again. When a month went by and he made no inappropriate advances, she began to relax, until she discovered that she was once again expecting another baby. Having a baby with someone she didn’t love didn’t appeal to her, and she was certain James would feel the same.
She waited a few months before she told him, and his only response was a nod and a curt, “Thank you for letting me know.”
It was as she had expected; he appeared as disappointed with the news as she had been. Oddly enough, instead of understanding his lack of empathy, she felt offended.
After he left Gladys, James went into the library, poured himself a drink, and sat down to think. If she had just phrased her announcement differently, he might have accepted the news more graciously, but she had said “I am having a child” instead of “we are having a child”, and the first thing that came to his mind was that, somehow, she had managed to have another rendezvous with her Italian lover. As considerate as James was, he didn’t intend to be saddled with another bastard, and if Gladys had committed adultery, he would insist she and her two children leave Four Oaks.
Luckily, the second drink calmed him down, and he began to think more rationally. He recalled the night he had spent in Gl
adys’s bed and realized that the timing coincided. He had been ashamed for breaking his word to her, but the relief he felt over knowing that he finally had proof, which he had been quite desperate for, was exhilarating.
He was so relieved to have proof that he overlooked a substantial flaw in his reasoning: he already had Horace. If the existence of his son had not proved his preferences, how could a second child?
He went to Gladys’s apartment and knocked on the door but received no answer, so he began looking for her. She was working in her flower garden, kneeling on a small mat. Hearing him approaching she looked up.
“Did you want something?” she asked without smiling.
“I just want to say I am sorry for my abrupt behaviour. It was rather a shock, especially for a man of my age. I also want to say that although I wasn’t the best father to Horace, I shall endeavour to do better this time.” When she didn’t answer, he started to walk away but turned around and came back. “I say, Gladys, should you be down on your knees digging? You must take care of yourself, you know.”
Looking down at her, he continued, “How are you feeling?”
“I am quite fine, I assure you,” Gladys replied neutrally.
“If you need anything, or if I may do something for you, please let me know.”
As he walked back to the house, James was thinking that now that he was going to be a father, Percy would know that their sexual preferences were nothing alike. He was even tempted to get in touch with his old friend to tell him the news, but, although he would never admit it to anyone, not even himself, he was still too unsure of his feelings to risk being in Percy’s company again.
Eliza Mary Hornsby was born on the fourth of November, 1857. Dolly fell in love with her little sister as soon as she laid eyes on her, but Edward, who was not yet three, had no intention of allowing the infant to come between him and his doting mother.
Every time Gladys attempted to feed Eliza, he would try to push the baby away. Gladys was relieved when her milk began to dry up and she could hire a wet nurse. She also found Edward’s attitude toward his baby sister stressful. Therefore, she allowed Dolly and Nanny to look after Eliza more and more each day until she barely saw the child. Dolly was delighted with the task, and, although only twelve, she displayed a natural talent for the chore.
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