‘I know, honey, but trying to keep him by pretending you’re someone you’re not isn’t the way. He married you because he loves you. You have to trust in that.’
‘What if I can’t? Alison, the only way I can get through this is by making him think I am so perfect that he won’t want to leave me.’ Sound logic, or it is when she decides it.
‘Betty, do what you have to do, but I don’t believe for one minute that Johnny is going to fall for her.’
‘I wish I had your confidence.’
Betty’s confidence has disappeared and Alison has no idea how to get it back.
‘You nearly slept with his colleague?’ Nicole looks shocked. They are at Nicole’s house, a place Grace visits rarely, but today she needed someone and Nicole was that someone.
Grace nods.
‘Have you eaten?’
Grace shakes her head. Nicole leads her into the kitchen where she opens the fridge, closes it, then goes to the cupboard and brings out a packet of cheese biscuits. ‘Haven’t been to the supermarket for a while.’ She shrugs in apology.
Nicole marches back to her office, where she and Grace began their chat. Grace tries to keep up but at the same time look at her surroundings. Nicole’s house has three floors, but the kitchen and office are on the same one. She knows there is a living room as well, but the door is always closed when Grace has been there, as if there is a big secret lurking behind it. Grace knows that Nicole is fond of her, but she also knows that she likes to keep her private life away from her business life.
The walls are all white. It doesn’t look cold, it looks modern, and to avoid the rooms looking clinical, Nicole has ensured there are plenty of pictures, a mixture of canvas and photographs, which add colour (the canvas) and warmth (the photos). Grace often wonders if Nicole planned the eclectic layout, or if it was just a random thing. Before she can think about it further, she finds herself back in Nicole’s large office, sitting in a leather armchair.
‘I feel awful,’ Grace says. Nicole looks at her.
‘Why? Because of Dan or because of Johnny?’
‘Both. Dan was sweet; he didn’t deserve to be used. But I justified it with the fact that I’m single, I’m a free agent, I’m still youngish so therefore I can go out with who I want. But the problem is that I didn’t want to be with him. I wanted to be with Johnny, and when Dan asked me out all I could think of was that this was my chance to find out how Johnny really feels about me.’
‘I see. So Dan tells Johnny today and Johnny either slaps him on the back and doesn’t mention it to you, or gets angry.’
‘Precisely. But now I feel bad for using him. Because that’s what I did. We had drinks, dinner – well a burger, not exactly dinner – and I felt drunk so I told him to take me to his place. Then I freaked out, jumped out of the taxi and didn’t even look back. The thing is that I didn’t feel like a free agent when I was with him. I didn’t feel single. I felt that I should be with Johnny.’
‘I knew that this was happening. From the way you spoke about him when you first met him, I knew you were falling for him. I should have stopped you, put a stop to it when I could. Grace, this wasn’t meant to happen.’
‘I know.’ Grace’s eyes fill with tears.
‘Grace, honey, he’s married. And he loves his wife. And even though she is the bitch from hell to you, she loves him. You don’t wreck marriages, you always say that. You want them to work. You can’t continue with this, you can’t take him away from her. Especially as I think that he wants you.’
‘What makes you say that?’
‘Look at the way he’s behaved: dinner, dropping everything to have lunch with you.’
Grace wipes her eyes. ‘He’s just being nice.’
‘No. But I do think he is probably confused. Grace, I’ll support you as your boss and your friend, but I’ll give you this warning. It is all going to end in tears and someone is going to get very hurt. Either you or Betty, or both. And what I hate is that it might be you.’
‘I know. But I can’t stop it, Nicole, I can’t. The thought of never seeing him again fills me with dread.’
‘So you’re carrying on?’
Grace nods.
‘What’s your next move?’
‘Golf,’ Grace says, and bursts into tears properly.
Johnny can barely concentrate. His head is stretching in different directions, and it’s beginning to pound. He is angry, so angry, but he doesn’t know why. Every time he tries to clear his head, there are images invading it: Grace laughing with him; Betty in a negligée; Dan and Grace. He doesn’t want any of the thoughts in his head, he just wants to get on with his work.
He hopes Dan didn’t notice his discomfort over lunch. He feels sorry for him, but he feels sorrier for himself. Did Grace go out with him because she wanted to or because she was lonely? He has to believe it was because she was lonely. That has to be the only explanation. At least, he rationalises, she didn’t sleep with him. Was her excuse true? Is she still getting over her divorce? She said that she was over her ex. Was she using that as an excuse to let Dan down gently, or was she still in love with her ex? But she said she was never in love with him and she had a bruised ego – he is sure that was what she had told him. He remembers everything she told him.
Why is he letting this drive him crazy? He looks round his office, at the furniture, the soulless prints on the wall, the wooden floor polished to within an inch of its life, and the glass desk. Modern, expensive, trustworthy. That is the image that he portrayed through his office. But he doesn’t feel trustworthy. He has taken his professional life and turned it inside out. He is involved with another woman, yet he has not kissed her or expressed a desire to do so. He is being mentally unfaithful yet he still loves his wife and was making love to her only the night before. He can’t get Grace out of his head, and that is something he has no idea how to address. Betty is his life, that much he knows; he can’t imagine being without her. Grace is a threat to his certainty but she cannot be any more than that.
So why am I so consumed with jealousy? he asks himself, just as his telephone shrills at him and his wife announces herself.
‘Johnny?’
‘Yes, darling?’ He feels his insides twisting as he tries to sound normal. Will she detect the confusion in his voice? Will she know that something is wrong? Maybe she’ll know what it is more than he will. He feels as if he will explode.
‘I just wondered what time you’ll be home tonight?’
He feels ill equipped to answer a mundane question, and as he thinks about the previous evening he knows he cannot face a rerun. He was having sex with his wife while Dan was with Grace. That thought is haunting him.
‘Normal time, but I thought that we’d have dinner with Alison and Matt.’ He needs to ensure that they are not alone.
‘Oh.’ Betty is disappointed and Johnny notices, but he cannot worry about that. He has to keep himself together, in one piece and he is unsure how else to do it.
‘I suggested it to Matt and he seemed quite keen,’ he lies.
‘Funny, I had lunch with Alison and she didn’t mention it.’ Despite the conversation with Alison, Betty has a plan for the evening. It involves her in a tiny G-string, an apron (a cooking one), very high heels and a chicken stir fry. Now Johnny wants to share her fantasy with their friends.
‘You know what Matt’s like – he never tells her anything. Anyway, we’re going for Chinese. We haven’t had Chinese in ages.’ He picks up a pen and scribbles on a Post-it note. The first line reminds him to call Matt as soon as possible, the second tells him to bribe him if necessary.
‘What time?’
‘About seven. I’ll meet you there.’
‘But you haven’t said where?’
‘Oh, meet me at Barnie’s and we’ll go from there.’
‘OK, see you later.’
‘Love you.’ Johnny replaces the receiver and feels the sweat on his forehead. He was never made to lie, he certainly couldn’
t ever have an affair; he doesn’t want to be unfaithful. But he admits he is in a mess as he picks up the phone to call Matt.
‘Matt speaking.’
‘It’s me.’
‘What’s up?’
‘Well, I thought we’d have Chinese tonight, out. Meet in Barnie’s at seven?’
‘OK. I better check with the Missus, but sounds fine by me.’
‘Matt, listen, trust me on this. Please act as if I asked you this morning.’
‘But you didn’t.’
‘I know, but pretend I did. It’s just that Betty wanted me to do something tonight that I really didn’t want to do, so I fibbed.’
‘Oh, probably talking about curtains, eh?’
. ‘Something like that.’ Johnny rolls his eyes and wonders what Matt’s marriage must be like. A conversation about curtains he could handle. Being alone with his wife is the thing he can’t.
‘Seven. Barnie’s.’ He hangs up.
Betty is replying to an email, and trying to work out if she is all right or not.
‘How was dinner last night?’ Fashion assistant Rich perches on the edge of her desk.
‘Well, the starter was outstanding,’ she jokes. ‘Even the lasagne was pretty damn good. I got the recipe from the food department. It certainly was fool proof.’
‘You know what I think? I think that all women can cook, but because if you do you’re seen as a mumsy homemaker type, you all pretend you can’t.’
‘Rubbish. I really can’t.’
‘But you made a lasagne.’
‘Yes, but that was beginner’s luck.’
‘I tell you, you’ll be threatening Nigella’s crown in no time.’
‘If I ever get that good, I promise I’ll invite you for dinner.’
‘Really?’
‘Believe me, it’ll never happen. Now, are there any other hot tips for me?’
‘I made you a list.’
‘A list?’
Rich hands Betty a piece of A4 paper. She starts reading it and bursts out laughing.
‘“Chocolate body paint. Flavoured condoms. Whipped cream but must be in a can.” Is there anything here which won’t make me fat?’
‘They’re not high in calories. Sperm is very fatty, though, I think.’
‘Yuck. How on earth do you do number five?’ Betty’s eyes open wide and Hannah leaves her efficient workstation to come over and read.
‘Ah, that takes a bit of know-how. You first of all have to practise using your teeth not your hands. I can teach you.’
‘How long will it take?’
‘About a month if we practise every night.’
‘No, I don’t have time for number five. Let’s see. Three in a bed? I am not inviting some hooker over just to spice up my sex life.’
‘OK, well, if you won’t do that, then it’ll have to be lesbian porn. Buy him that and he’ll be in heaven.’
‘Do I have to?’
‘You want to prove to your husband that you are the best possible woman?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then I’m afraid so.’
‘How do you know so much about it? You’re not a woman and you’re not straight.’
‘Darling, we both sleep with men, that’s how I know. Now, have you got time to skive and go shopping?’
‘Oh yes, especially as there is a feature in all this somewhere. Or that’s what I’m telling Fiona.’
‘Good. I’ll meet you downstairs in five.’
‘Rich.’
‘Yes?’
‘Will you ask for the porn?’
‘Yes, and the massive vibrator. I’m not proud.’
Grace is tidying her flat, and trying to forget about Johnny. Nicole’s advice keeps swimming around her brain. She should break it off - not that there is anything to break off, not yet. She goes to her office because maybe, just maybe, she will be able to think there.
She has no job that evening. The one that was planned has been cancelled at the last minute. She is relieved, although she didn’t share her views with Nicole.
She has lost enthusiasm for work. She doesn’t want to see these men, she wants to see Johnny. Maybe she will call him tomorrow and ask him to meet her, and then she will put an end to it. She could explain that she is in love with him. On the other hand, would that prompt him to question his feelings? No, to be fair to him and to Betty she will say that she has family in Australia and has decided to move there. That may be the coward’s way out, but it is the most attractive option.
She picks up the golf membership that Nicole gave her and remembers when she saw it as a game. How could so much change in a month? She thinks about how she behaved with Dan, and feels ashamed; she was wrong. She went too far. All this trying to beat Betty is pathetic and people are getting hurt along the way. She is angry with herself, she is not seeing any sense in her behaviour. She will put an end to the bet. She thinks briefly of Oliver. He told her that it was a bad idea, although he didn’t anticipate this outcome. She wishes she had listened to him instead of losing him. She wishes she had never set eyes or ears on Fiona.
This past month Eddie has been still very much on the scene, even if she has barely seen him. The weekend in Bath was enjoyable, but she knows that her heart isn’t with him anymore. Although she still thinks he is attractive and he is her friend, she cannot keep sleeping with him because that makes her feel like a harlot, a fake, a whore. She never minded having two different partners, because everything was honest, but now it makes her feel dirty. She has to stop because she is unable to change her feelings. Bizarrely, she feels she is being unfaithful to Johnny.
She resolves to tell Eddie. She will end the relationship, she will lose her friend, but she will also stop playing with him. It is not only better for her but it is better for him. Of that much she is sure. The sense of liberation that that decision gives her shocks her. She has never thought of herself as trapped within her relationships, but she probably is, or was. She used the men to protect her from loneliness; she used them because she wasn’t in love with them. Love, she knows, now she feels it, is more dangerous than anything. With that momentous decision made, she goes to the living room, curls herself up on the sofa and watches the fish.
Half an hour later, her mobile phone rings, making her jump. She gets up and goes to answer it.
‘Hello.’
‘It’s me.’ Her heart speeds up at the sound of Johnny’s voice.
‘Hi.’
‘Grace, I need to speak to you. Can you meet me?’
‘OK.’ She feels uncertainty fluttering around.
‘Can you meet me now?’ He can’t keep the testiness out of his voice. She wonders if it is about jealousy and prays that it is.
‘I guess so.’ She has lost control of everything and now he is calling the shots.
‘Where?’ he asks.
‘Where what?’
‘Where can I meet you?’
She thinks about it, but doesn’t know where to suggest.
‘Come to my flat,’ she blurts out before thinking.
‘Give me your address.’
She shuts and locks the office door, tidies the already immaculate flat, and then paces up and down the living room. She doesn’t know why he is coming over or what he wants. She knows he didn’t sound happy, but then she is not happy, so why should he? She will break it off now, no more delays. Not that they’re having an affair, but she will tell him that she is leaving the country in a week. Can you arrange to emigrate in a week? She doubts it, but she can say she is going on holiday. Then he’ll forget her, go back to life with Betty and Grace will be alone again. But alone knowing that she has a heart that’s in full working order.
But the problem is that you only love one person, don’t you? Yes, that’s what it says in all the women’s magazines. ‘The one’, not ‘the three’. As she now knows she wasn’t in love with Dave or Ben (although she was, it was just a different kind of love), and she isn’t in love with Oliver or Eddie, then
Johnny is ‘the one’. Her first love. Therefore her last. So she can love but she can only love him and therefore she will have to go back to having a heart of stone. Why is it all so difficult?
If she thinks back to her last rationalisation, Betty came into her life for a reason, to give her her husband. It almost makes sense. Doesn’t it? Can she really let them fall apart? Can she really let him go? Just as she is trying to decide, her buzzer goes.
They stare at each other for a few seconds before Grace invites him in. She looks at her watch. It is six o’clock.
‘You finished work early,’ she says for want of something to say.
‘I left. I had to see you.’
‘Right.’ There has been no small talk. No tour of the flat, although it is the first time he has been there. He hasn’t noticed the fish tank or anything. He is just looking at her.
‘Why did you do it?’ He sounds cold.
‘What?’ She knows, but she also fears this conversation. On paper it is far more straightforward than in real life.
‘Why did you go out with Dan?’ He doesn’t know what he is doing there, but he knows he has to ask. He picked the phone up a hundred times before he finally found the courage to dial. He has no right to ask, he knows that, but he feels that he does. He should not be there, he shouldn’t have left work. He seems to be filling his life with doing things he shouldn’t and that he doesn’t understand. Everything is a contradiction.
‘I don’t have to answer that.’ I did it to make you jealous, you buffoon, her inner voice shouts. She doesn’t know whether to be angry or flattered; she is both. She almost slept with Dan because she wanted to know how Johnny felt about her. It seems to have worked, although now she doesn’t want to answer the question.
‘I just want to know.’
‘Why?’ She is going to put it off; he has to give her a gift first, the premise that her sister Kathy always used to work on. One boy gave her a massive box of Milk Tray once and he got rewarded handsomely. Grace is after something more, now, though.
‘I don’t know.’
Finally he sits down on the sofa and she perches on the other end. They are both consciously trying to keep their legs from touching. It is such a small sofa and they both have long legs. They sit in silence for a while.
Agent Provocateur Page 26