He did not think she had ever been in one of London’s parks this early before. She sought public privacy with him, however, and there were few other locations and times that would do.
He looked down the deserted paths and saw no conveyance but his own. “How did you get here?”
“I walked. A friend of Alexia’s gave me use of her house and I came up for a few days.”
“Have you walked enough, or shall we take a turn along the canal?”
She agreed to that. He offered a few pleasantries while he waited for her to address the reason for this meeting.
“Mr. Bradwell, I was hoping we could have another conversation about your generous offer. I believe that if two people are going to even consider such an irrevocable step, absolute honesty is best.”
“Absolute honesty is never a good idea, to my thinking. I do not believe the world could survive it.”
She looked at him, aghast.
He laughed. “I shock you. Will you settle for circumspect honesty? Some truths change, after all, and others are not even known.”
“I only require sufficient honesty so that if we do this we have a right understanding.”
She had just revealed more than all the absolute honesty ever would. Whatever she had been debating these last days, the scales had somehow tipped in his favor.
It is only yours to lose now, Kyle lad.
“Speak frankly, Miss Longworth, and I will try to do so as well.”
“I understand what you are offering. I want you to know that I comprehend its value. The security and protection are important, but the chance for redemption—I have realized the fullness of that now. If I appear skeptical, please forgive me. Please know that I am truly grateful. However, I think it best if we both know what we are getting in such a match, in real and practical terms.”
“How sensible.”
She blushed. “I sound like a heartless and cold merchant, don’t I? I do not mean to. It is just that I find myself incapable of creating romantic illusions. I am well done with those girlish ideas.”
Despite her request for absolutes, she did prefer some circumspection. He heard the hard truth anyway. If we do this, I do not expect love. Nor should you.
“Mr. Bradwell, I need to know if you understand that whatever redemption I achieve will not be complete. I will never entirely live down that disastrous affair with Lord Norbury. When you are old and gray there will still be those who whisper as you walk by, if we are wed. Since you are not a gentleman, there are those who will speak of it right to your face.”
“I am the son of a collier. I am accustomed to whispers, and rudeness spoken right to my face.”
“The day may come when some malicious person claims that I have begun another affair. I would like to know if you will be inclined to believe that.”
“You have weighed every eventuality, haven’t you? I do not know what I will believe. I promise to ask you if it is true before I kill the man, however.”
She stopped walking near a tree. The sun’s crisp light reflected in a ribbon down the canal. “You must think me small and mean to parse your offer so thoroughly.”
“I think that all smart women scrutinize marriage offers. It is only unusual that I am hearing every point of debate.”
She gazed up at him with disconcerting directness. Her brow puckered, as if she sought to see his soul and regretted that she could not.
“You were at Norbury’s house for a reason that day. Are you friends with him?”
“I have known him for years. Our connection goes far back. At the moment we are involved in some business together.”
“So you will see this man. You will know, and he will know, and—”
“Women are not the only ones who scrutinize marriage offers, Miss Longworth. I have considered how that might be awkward. I promise you that he will not mention it to me. At least not more than once. I will not allow any man to insult my wife.” He took her hand in both of his. Since she allowed it, he regretted that they both wore gloves. “Nor will I ever speak of it to you. You made a mistake with a dishonorable man, but it is over.”
She searched his eyes as if trying to see if he meant it. He let her look as long as she wanted.
“It is unlikely that you will conjure up an objection for me that I have not already considered, Miss Longworth.”
“Actually, there is one, and it would be wrong not to speak of it.” She forced poise on her posture, much as she had that night. “Mr. Bradwell, I am one whisper away from being involved in a scandal that will make the current one child’s play in comparison.”
She appeared so adorably earnest and brave. The martyrs of old probably looked like this before entering the arena. “What scandal is that?”
“You know about my brother, you said. You do not know the whole of it. He stole money from people who had trusts and three percenters at his bank. And they know he did. He promised to repay them so no one laid down information, but then he fled and Lord Hayden made good on his debts.” It came out fast, in a torrent of confession that clearly pained her to admit. “There are dozens of victims and it will take only one of them to speak of it, you see. Just one, and it will be known what he did and my relationship to him will bring his disgrace on me. And on my husband, if I am married.”
He lifted her hand and dipped his head to kiss it. “I already know about your brother.”
“You do? How—oh, dear, were you one of the ones—”
“Someone I know was.”
“And yet you proposed marriage?”
“It was his crime. His sin. You are innocent. You are also one of the victims. You and your sister have suffered much due to him, have you not?”
The mention of her sister made her eyes glisten. He was not too good to press his advantage.
“That one whisper is another reason to marry me. It will make it clear that you are separate from him, and he from you. You will not be piling one fall upon another, the way it would be if you lived your exile in Oxfordshire.”
“I do not think anyone will see me as separate. I am his sister.”
“You will be my wife in the world’s eyes before you are his sister. In this scandal even more than the other, marriage offers protection.”
Her resistance was palpable. So was her vulnerability. “You said Lord Hayden was not paying you a settlement to do this. I assume the payment will come in other ways.”
“I never denied that there would be benefits.”
“They must be bigger than the ones I can imagine, if you are willing to tie yourself to so much disgrace.”
“Weigh your own gain and costs, Miss Longworth, and leave me to weigh mine. If I did not want you, nothing could lure me to this match no matter what the status of your fortune, family, or virtue.”
She stopped walking and faced him. She eyed him critically, as if deciding if that want of his would be tolerable. There were no words to convince her of that. For this woman, however, her conclusion would be a heavy weight no matter which side of the scales it rested on.
“Perhaps now is not the moment to make your decision, Miss Longworth. There is no hurry, and it is a decision that requires much thought on a woman’s part.”
Her expression relaxed. “Thank you, Mr. Bradwell. I confess that the mere permanence of it makes my courage falter. You are, as always, very kind and considerate.”
Hardly.
His carriage had been following along the lane. He gestured for his man to wait. “Allow me to escort you back to your residence. I think that you have walked too far today already.”
Relieved of the worry of his proposal for another day, she accepted gladly. Innocently. She even smiled while they walked to the carriage.
He handed her in. It was time to close the negotiations.
She should have known that nice Mr. Bradwell would not press her for a decision. He was not that kind of man. He had understood, as always. He knew that such a step should not be taken lightly.
; She settled in the carriage and he sat across from her. The carriage rolled toward the park’s entrance.
He was tall and imposing, and he seemed to crowd her, just as he had that horrible night. Once more she experienced the odd combination of danger and safety.
“You need not make a decision today, but I hope that you will soon,” he said.
“Of course. Tomorrow, I promise. I would never be so heartless as to leave an offer dangling. I am embarrassed that I have done so this long.”
“That is of no account. I understand why.”
Did he? She wondered for the first time if his comprehension was correct. She doubted any man would really know the terror that a woman could feel when faced with a proposal, as she imagined both the good and the bad it might bring to her life.
“It might be best if I explained some things, so that you can assess the situation most fully.” His gaze sharpened ever so slightly, but enough to raise a small, almost thrilling caution in her.
“Please speak freely, Mr. Bradwell.”
“I still have family up north. I will never deny them, or hide them, or pretend I am other than I am. Not for anyone. Not even for you.”
“Do you think me so hard as to want that?”
“I do not know what you will want, so I am making it clear how it will be. Also, as you begin returning to society, there will be those who want to receive you, but who will hesitate due to me. I want you to let it be known that you will accept invitations and that I will decline them when necessary. I will leave it to you to decide when those situations arise.”
She wished she could say that they never would. She thought it noble of him not to want to hold her back. Since he offered redemption he wanted it to be as complete as possible.
“You have expressed interest in any settlement that I will receive,” he continued. “However, you have neglected to ask about yours. Should you accept me, I will discuss your jointure with Lord Hayden, if that is acceptable to you.”
“Yes, that would be acceptable.” She had been neglectful. That more than anything reflected her ambivalence about this proposal. Had he guessed as much? Probably so.
“There is also the matter of your brother.”
“You said in the park that it did not matter to you.”
“I said that his crime does not taint you. However, it is very important, for your sake and for that of the family you will be able to reclaim, that you accept him as dead to you.”
Dead to you. Rather suddenly, nice Mr. Bradwell had become strict and dire and a little presumptuous in his demands regarding a marriage he might not even have.
His command raised the devil in her, and fed her impractical resistance to the stark “forever” that she contemplated with him.
“He is my brother. It is unfair for you to ask this.”
“I do not ask, but demand.”
A demand now. “You are offering to give me half of my family back even as you insist that I relinquish the other half.”
“If that is how you see it, yes. I demand this more easily of you than I would of most women. I saw you the night of that auction, explaining to Lady Alexia how you must be dead to her and your sister. When she wrote, you returned her letters unopened, to make sure you would not taint her. It is how it must be, you said. If you saw that reality, you surely see this one.”
She felt her face warming. She resented the way he cornered her with her own words and actions.
“I will not think of him as dead. I cannot. In fact, if there is a chance that I can see him, I must demand that you promise now that you will permit it.”
The ultimatum hung in the air. The man who might become her husband let it dangle while he considered her. She half expected him to withdraw his proposal on the spot.
Instead of relief, the notion panicked her.
It was the escape that she wanted, for reasons she could not explain to Alexia or even herself. And yet, facing it now, she saw that if it happened she would have no decent life to honestly choose.
She almost retracted her words. A small, lonely, confused voice clamored to surrender. Yes, I will do as you want. I will do anything if you feed me and flatter me and pretend to care. I will forget who I am and relinquish all my dreams and be obedient if you buy fuel for my hearth so I am not cold.
She gritted her teeth so that voice would not actually speak. The last time she had heeded that pitiful part of her soul, she had found herself with a scoundrel.
Still, the desperation increased while she waited for him to speak. She hated that. She hated how it proved she really did not have any other choice but this marriage. She even hated Tim, and that he had once more left her teetering on the line between utter ruin and abject dependency.
“If he returns to England, you can see him,” he finally said. “However, you will not go to him where he now hides. Whether you marry me or not, you will not go to him, so you can remove that from any weighing that you are doing. Do not think that I cannot stop you. I can and I will.”
Her face burned. He had guessed her plan, and who the man was.
Nor was his compromise generous. Tim would never return to England. He dared not. Mr. Bradwell won even as he retreated.
The carriage seemed to be moving very slowly through town. She wished it would hurry. This conversation vexed her. She worried that he had seen the spiking desperation in her as she waited for him to speak. If so, he might continue these “explanations” until she was little better than a dutiful child in this marriage he proposed.
Her pique got the better of her. “I think I will need more than the single day that I assumed to make my decision, since you saved so many conditions for the end. Pray tell me, is there more?”
“Just one detail.”
“Enlighten me.”
“I do not hold with the loose morals so easily accepted in polite society. I do not mind sharing what is mine if I agree to it, but I will never agree to share you.”
“You will, however, still ask me for the truth before you kill a man over a rumor? That assurance was not false, I trust.”
He smiled. “It was not false.”
“Is there anything else? I hope not. As it is, I may forget some of this litany of increasingly disconcerting terms. I should have brought paper and pencil this morning so I could write it all down.”
He leaned forward and took her hand in his. The gesture implied he had a right to both comfort and claim her.
His thumb gently caressed her palm. She felt it through her glove very plainly. The touch made her arm tingle all the way up to her shoulder.
“I do not think that any of these terms truly disconcerts you,” he said. “If you require more time for a decision, it is not due to matters such as we have addressed today. If you want a right understanding, as you say, we must speak as honestly of the true reason.”
They had discussed everything that mattered, and a good deal that she had not expected. “You are omniscient today, as well as demanding.”
“Not omniscient. You spoke of this last concern when I proposed.” He looked in her eyes. “You are trying to decide if you can bear the duties of a wife. You are trying to decide if you will loathe the sexual part of this marriage.”
She felt her face flaming. “I told you that I am beyond romantic illusions. In truth I have no concerns at all because that implies an open question. I was giving you fair warning about how I know it will be.”
“If I believed that were true, I would find a way to make you reject the offer. Romantic feelings and illusions are not required to make those duties tolerable, Miss Longworth. Believing that they are may even make matters worse. Instead of an expression of undying romantic love, you might better think of that congress as a good meal that satisfies a hunger.”
She could not believe that he spoke of this so bluntly. A gentleman would not. But then he was not a gentleman. Worse, he expected some response from her besides the flustered dismay this indelicate turn in the conversation evoked
.
A meal to satisfy a hunger. That was a rather novel if bawdy way to think about it. It certainly demolished the notion of romance, but at least it implied something more satisfying than what she had known.
“This meal—would it be porridge, or pheasant?” she blurted.
He laughed quietly and appeared a little dismayed himself now.
“You see, I do not much care for porridge. I have had my fill of that,” she said.
“There are many courses, and a whole menu from which to choose. I am sure that we can find something to your taste. We will only discover what it is if you agree to sit at the table, however.”
They had arrived at another term by an indirect route. He was saying that he expected her to accept him in this way, without dramatics and excuses.
She pictured that. She imagined lying in bed, and this man joining her there. She braced herself for the unpleasant resignation that she had experienced in her brief affair.
Instead, the picture stirred her. The waiting contained an alluring anticipation that physically affected her. Any fear carried a delicious overtone.
He watched her, his expression one of dangerous charm, as if he too saw her in that bed and knew how the waiting excited more than imposed.
He still held her hand. Now his own tightened just enough to control and confine. He gently pulled. The scene outside the window slid past as her whole body floated across to him. With elegant smoothness he settled her on his lap.
Surprise gave way to alarm. The light surrounding them dimmed. She twisted to see him pulling the curtains.
“What are you doing?” She could feel his thighs beneath her, despite her dress. She began to scramble off her perch.
The arm with which he supported her back held her in place so she did not fall on the floor. Or get free. She straightened her back to achieve some independence.
“What are you doing?” she repeated.
His gaze followed his fingertips while they traced the side of her face in that familiar way. Only this time his touch did not end, but gently held her chin while he gave her a kiss. A light kiss, like that first one in the field, but her lip trembled and a shudder slid down to her chest.
Secrets of Surrender Page 10