I left the doctor’s office and got in my car. I was confused. I had come here so happy, and with the simple words of a caring professional, my life is turned upside down.
I went to the pharmacy to have my prescription filled. I was going to take the best care of myself and be the best mother I could be. I could just picture myself married to Allen and having five sons. I would be like a soccer mom. I would bake cookies and go to softball games. I knew I would be really good at this whole parenting thing and I knew I had the best partner to help me. Allen has already displayed his great parenting skills just in the way he rears Andy. He is a wonderful man and I am not going to ruin my life with the possibility that my child may be Kenny’s.
As I made my way back home, I realized that with all the excitement, I had not talked to Allen today. I wondered if he had made it home alright. I started feeling anxious, so I called him to make sure everything was going well.
“Hello,” he answered.
“Allen, is everything alright?”
“Yeh, why do you ask, Ny?”
“Because you didn’t call me today.”
“I did call, girl. You didn’t answer the phone at home, so I called the office. Dee Dee said you weren’t feeling well and you weren’t working today. I tried your cell, but the call went straight to voicemail - like you had turned your phone off or something.”
I remembered that I turned my phone off in the doctor’s office because they don’t allow cell phone usage there because it interferes with their equipment.
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“So, are you alright? I mean, what’s wrong? Why don’t you feel well?”
I wasn’t ready to tell him.
“Oh, it’s just a little headache. I mean, I could have gone to the office, but I really didn’t want to.”
“Ok, as long as you are not really that sick. Ny, I was worried. I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to you.”
“Thank you Allen. I don’t know what I would do without you either.”
“Ny, I wanted to let you know that Kenny called me this morning.”
“Oh really. What did he have to say?”
“He just wanted to remind me that he thought it was fucked up that you and I are together. However, he also said that he can see why you left him. Ny, I almost feel sorry for Kenny. He can’t seem to find any happiness.”
“Allen, happiness is not lost. You can’t just find happiness. You have to make happiness. You make it by being kind and treating people well. Happiness is borne from that. Kenny has never done anything for anyone except himself his whole life. He will never be happy until he does.”
“I guess you are right. I just can’t help but be concerned. I mean, I love my brother.”
“Allen, I know you love him. We all love Kenny. But don’t beat yourself up over this. He is a big boy - he can take it.”
“Ny, you know I love you, right?”
Oh God, here we go! He better not try to break up with me over his guilt for Kenny.
“Yeh, I know.”
“Nya, are you sure this is what you want? Am I really who you want to be with or are you just trying to hurt Kenny?”
“Allen, how dare you ask me a question like that? If I wanted to just hurt Kenny, I certainly wouldn’t need to marry his brother to do it. That is just gravy. I mean, what are you saying? Are you getting cold feet?”
“No, it’s not that. I just want to make sure I’m the only man you love.”
“You know what Allen? I don’t like the turn this conversation is taking. You talk to Kenny one time since we’ve been home and now all of a sudden you are an advocate for the broken-hearted. Well, let me tell you one thing: If it’s bothering you that much, we don’t have to get married. But I can assure you of one thing: Kenny did it to you and he didn’t have one ounce of guilt. And do you know what else? If he ever got the chance, he would do it again. Kenny despises you. He is jealous of you and has been his whole life. You are going to waste your whole life feeling sorry for someone who doesn’t give a damn about you! What’s worse is you are going to let someone who loves and adores you get away in the process. Well if that’s what you want, you got it. And don’t worry, I don’t need you or Kenny. Regardless of whether you and I were to get married, I am divorcing Kenny anyway. I guess when you got home today and realized that it was time to file for your divorce from Lisa, you started having second thoughts. Well, don’t even worry about it now. I’m out.”
“Ny, wait. Don’t hang up. I was just saying...”
“No, Allen. I’m not going to start this relationship with you second guessing my feelings for you. If you don’t know now, then you’ll never know. I’m not going to spend my life trying to prove that I love you. If you are that insecure then we don’t need to be together. Goodbye.”
“Ny...”
It was all I heard before I hung up the phone. I was so angry. I could really see just how much he was like his brother in that conversation. As mad as I am at Allen, I’m even angrier at Kenny. It was clear to me that Kenny was playing on Allen’s sympathy and guilt. He probably even played the “brother” card. Kenny is very slick and he will do whatever it takes to get what he wants.
Allen continued to call my cell phone for several minutes after that. I wouldn’t answer it. I wanted him to take some time and think about what I was trying to tell him. I mean, I know there are going to be some challenges associated with this relationship, but damn, don’t make it more difficult than it already is.
I went back to the house and plopped down in front of the television. I guess for the next nine months, this was going to be my new pastime. I tried to concentrate, but my heart felt heavy and I could feel the bulge in my throat as I tried to hold back the tears. Why was everything going so terribly wrong? It’s like as soon as I overcome one obstacle, I’m plagued by another. The minute I get Lisa straight, Kenny starts cutting up and throwing salt in the game. And Allen is no better. He is sitting up there listening to Kenny and he is going to end up alone. As for me, I’m sitting up here pregnant, unsure of the father, going through a divorce, and may not even have a new husband lined up. I feel like all those stupid women I used to gossip about and make fun of. Look at me, I’m supposed to be so perfect, so together, and supposed to have everything under control. Yet here I am more screwed up than ever!
I sat in front of the television and cried until my face hurt. It was pulsating by the time I realized that there were no more tears left and my nasal passage was swollen shut. I struggled to breathe through my nose and had to inhale and exhale from my mouth. I was as pitiful as they came. I wanted a life with Allen, but I did want to be under a microscope. I didn’t want to live a life where everyone would be waiting for me to say or do something around Kenny that would give any indication that I would rather have him than Allen. I wish Allen could understand how much I really love him. It’s not totally his fault, though. Men are less willing to make huge life changes like women are. Men are more comfortable with the familiar. He has no way of knowing what a life with me would be like. But, he sure as hell ought to want to find out. I didn’t know if I was going to call him or if I was just going to wait it out. It was hard for me to tell who was at fault here. I mean, maybe I jumped the gun a bit. Maybe I should not have hung up the telephone on him. I realize he has a lot on his plate right now. It’s possible that I could be a little more patient. Still, he was wrong for coming at me with that Kenny sympathy shit! It’s like this: Either you want me or you don’t.
Chapter Five
Days had passed, and Allen did not try to call me again. I was hurt and devastated even though I was the one who hung up on him and wouldn’t take his calls. I guess I felt he should have tried harder. I walked around the house each day with my hair mussed all over my head in a bathrobe and slippers. As far as my company was concerned, Dee Dee could have easily done a hostile takeover and I never would have known. I called in each day to tell her I was still sick, and soon, it
felt like she was the boss and I was the slacker employee. She had hired a new agent and said that things were going well. I was glad that she was able to step up to the plate when I needed her. It just goes to show that you can’t judge people by the way they talk, or where they’re from. Dee Dee was as competent as most.
The more days that went by and I did not talk to Allen, the more real the possibility seemed that I would end up alone. It was something I had not even considered up until then. Still, I wasn’t going to call him because I had done nothing wrong. If we end up not together then it’s just as well. I refuse to marry another person who second guesses me. Even with all of that, I still stared at the cordless handset like I could make it ring. And after a while, it did.
“Hello,” I answered anxiously.
“Hey girl,” Kita greeted me.
I must have let out a disappointed sigh because she was offended.
“Damn, girl. If you don’t want to talk to folk, you need to get Caller ID,” she informed me.
“I have Caller ID, just not on this cordless. It’s not that. It’s just...,” I stopped myself, “Anyway what’s up?” I asked, changing the subject and my tone.
“Well, the annual Minority Business holiday charity gala is coming up in a few days. I wanted to make sure you and Kenny are still coming.”
“I don’t think so Kita, not this year.”
Kita was very big on anything dealing with minority businesses and money. She knew how to get anything she wanted and the source of most of it came from being involved in organizations like these. Kenny and I usually attended every year and I always met great contacts. Some of the most wealthy and powerful people came each year.
“Why not, Ny? You know how big this is. This year I am the committee chairperson and I will be responsible for the guest list. You guys have to come. There are going to be some big wigs!”
“Maybe you can use one for the cover of your magazine,” I joked.
“Not funny, Ny. Now, why can’t you come?”
I didn’t want to tell her. I mean, she was my friend and all, but frankly, Kita never liked Kenny for me. She always harbored the thought that we would somehow not make our marriage work. I just wasn’t in the mood to hear, ‘I told you so’.
“Kita, I can’t really talk about it now.”
“Nya, you know I’m not taking that for an answer. Now tell me what’s going on. Are you and Kenny having problems?”
That’s one way of looking at it.
“Not exactly.”
“Ny, stop bullshitting me. Tell me what’s up. I’m your friend. If you tell me the truth, you will feel better.”
“Alright, Kita. Kenny and I are splitting up and I don’t want to go to the gala alone.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Nya. Let me know what I need to do to help you get through this. But Ny, this gala is very important. You can’t let marital problems stand in the way of you growing your business. The two are totally unrelated. Now, if you are worried about showing up without a stunning beau on your arm, I can help you out. I will pair you with one of the guests from my “A” list - guaranteed to be one of the “Who’s who.”
“Thanks, Kita. But I’m not interested in dating right now.”
“I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about having a male guest for the dinner. We can’t have you walking around looking all desperate and unstable without a man. Besides, women are very threatened by a gorgeous, self-sufficient, single lady. They are afraid of you taking their man. No one is even going to talk to you if you don’t have a man with you. The men who are going to be there will be too afraid of their wives to talk to you about helping you in your business.”
“That’s why I don’t want to go.”
“No. You have to go. If you’re my friend, you will be there. But don’t worry, Ny. I will make sure you have a nice date to take. And don’t fret, it will only be for one night. You will never have to see or talk to him again,” she assured me.
“I hate doing this. But if it means that much to you, I have no choice.”
“You won’t regret it,” she told me.
“Well, let me go now. I have to make sure I have something to wear.”
“I’ll call you later with the details. I’m going to have you come to my house to meet your date and we will all ride to the dinner hall in the limo.”
“That’s fine. Call me later.”
I hung up the phone. I couldn’t believe that Kita never said, ‘I told you so’. Maybe she was so caught up in this party that she didn’t even think to rub it in. Not to worry, though. She will have plenty of time at the charity function to tell me what a bad decision I made to marry Kenny.
I spent the next couple of days praying that Allen would call me so I wouldn’t have to go on this date. Kita says it’s only for one night, but she will probably try to set me up with someone that she thinks I will like, to help me get over Kenny. Little does she know, I am so over Kenny, but I may need help getting over Allen if he doesn’t come back to me.
The days had gone by and Allen still had not called. It was the day of the gala and I was sick and nervous all at the same time. I was just hoping that in my delicate state, I didn’t start throwing up all over everyone and everything. I slipped into my gorgeous Gianni Versace gown and prayed that my stomach didn’t show a slight bump. I knew that I was early into the pregnancy, but I was so small, I thought anything would show on me. I checked myself in the mirror and the dress looked great. I swooped my long, raven Black hair up into a sassy French roll and pulled one lock down in the front and curled it. I always looked more sophisticated with my hair like that. When I wear it down, I look like I’m going to my 8th grade prom. A final inspection in the full length mirror served witness that everything was perfect, right down to the sequin Prada shoes. I almost felt sorry for the young man who would be escorting me because regardless of who he is, he would never stand a chance with me.
I grabbed my matching handbag and wrap and headed out the door. I was a little nervous and I was praying that I get through the evening without anything terrible happening. When I pulled up to Kita’s house, I smiled a little bit. I sold her this house almost a year ago and no one deserved it more. It was an immaculate, all-brick Tudor style home with a circular driveway. It set on almost two acres of clear, level land. The Black iron gate gave it royal appeal. Kita had made it and she was not to be stopped. I drove down the small hill to the rear entrance and came in through the pedestrian door. I wanted to be briefed before I met my date for the evening. Kita looked stunning and she was well aware.
“Is he here?” I asked, curious.
“Yeh, didn’t you see the limo outside when you drove up?”
“Well, when do I get to meet him?”
“Oh, now all of a sudden you are so interested.”
“I’m just ready to get this night over with,” I told her.
“In that case, come on. I’ll let you meet him now.”
I followed her into the living room. I stopped abruptly at the doorway when my eyes caught a glimpse of the man that was to escort me to the dinner. I was sure that it was an optical illusion. My heart was beating so hard and fast, it almost jumped out of my chest. There was no way it could be him. How could Kita have gotten him to come here? It’s not that I doubted her abilities, it’s just that so many years had passed since I had seen him. I wasn’t even sure if he even still remembered me. Kita grabbed my hand and pulled me the rest of the way into the living room. My body trembled nervously at the thought of having to face him again after all this time. Kita smiled at the look of shock and disbelief that consumed my face. And there he stood so tall and debonair, he smirked at the idea that they both had surprised me in such a way.
“You look absolutely beautiful,” he told me in the smooth baritone voice that still sent chills down my spine.
The last time I saw him was 4 1/2 years ago, when I placed the two the airlines airline tickets to Greece back in his hand and explained
,
“I decided not to go, John. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
He was devastated then and I wasn’t sure how he felt about it now. He was so sure he had me when he offered me the opportunity to spend the summer in Athens, Greece with him. It was his last ditch effort to try to get me to sleep with him. The eight months we dated were spent much in the same way.
It was the summer of 1996 and I had decided to complete some post graduate work towards a Master’s degree. Indiana University South Bend was one of a handful of schools willing to pay for it, so I decided to go there. On the second day of classes as I was headed to my car, this 6’10” young man explains to me that he is in dire need of a parking sticker and would I be kind enough to let him use mine. I told him that the answer was no, but that I would show him where to get one in the student affairs office.
“I can’t go up in there. People always make a scene when I go into places like that. I’m just trying to blend in,” he explained.
“Oh, is it because you are so tall?” I asked sympathetically.
“No, it’s because of who I am. Don’t you know who I am?” He asked in disbelief.
“No, should I?”
“You have to be tripping,” he told me. ”I play basketball.”
“Oh, for Indiana University? How exciting,” I remarked, as I continued to walk to my car.
“No, for Seattle. You’ve got to be playing with me.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are, but you can’t have my parking sticker. If you’re that famous, you need to take internet courses at home.”
He laughed. He continued to walk with me to my car and asked if we could exchange phone numbers. He seemed nice enough and I didn’t really know anyone in Indiana, so I agreed. It wasn’t until later that evening when I went the website of the professional basketball team for which he played, that I found out who he was: #4 John Camp. While I was surprised, I was hardly impressed. As it turned out later, that was one of the things he liked most about me. Coming from a family of wealth and status, I wasn’t starry-eyed and hungry for the fame and fortune associated with NBA stars. He tried to get me caught up by buying me anything I wanted and even more things that I didn’t. I wasn’t impressed. Even though my parents had money, they taught me not to waste it, but to respect it. I had absolutely no desire to “Bling bling”. We spent that incredible summer hanging out, laughing, playing video games, watching movies, eating, and studying. He wanted to be the man to take my virginity, but that was not an option without marriage. He tried everything, even introducing me to his mother, and telling me I could call her mom. I became friends with his sister Linda and his cousin Terri and we spent lots of time together as well. They all adored me because I was a refreshing break from the gold-digging trollips he usually attracted. Over the next few months, I fell very deeply in love with this tall, Black man and even when I went back home that fall, we remained close. He flew me to almost every basketball game and sent for me when he was off. Still, he continued to press the issue of sex and I continued to decline. Yet, we continued our relationship and I even spent Christmas with his family in Indiana. But after the holidays, things began to spiral downward. His phone calls were less frequent and shorter. I was invited to less and less games, and the gifts had stopped all together. I began to read stories in sports magazines about him with other women. It bothered me, but I never confronted him. I figured if I asked him about it he would just say that he had to ‘get some’ from somewhere. I was patient and never said a word. Then, on Valentine’s Day, he called me on the phone and told me to look out of my window. I looked out to find a brand new Mercedes-Benz in the driveway. He said that he was sorry for being so distant and this was his way of making up for it. The relationship seemed to get stronger and that spring he asked me if there was any place in the world that I would like to go. My parents said that Greece was a magnificent place and they enjoyed going there, so I told him that’s where I wanted to go. He bought the tickets early and gave them to me to hold until it was time to leave. Before long, he was buying me sexy lingerie and other suggestive things. It was then that I realized this trip was his plan to get me in bed. I told him straight up that I was saving myself for marriage. He took it that I was trying to pressure him into marriage and began to react defensively. That was when I knew I had to give him his tickets back and break up with him. I tried to give him the car back, but he told me,
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