“I’m sorry,” Dad said, and he had a look on his face that I’d only seen one other time: the night Mom died. He placed a hand firmly on my shoulder. “I’ve messed us up. Our entire family. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, how to make it better, because it wasn’t. I couldn’t pretend to be okay.”
“None of us could.”
Dad turned my chair around and gave me an awkward hug, his hands around me, his body warm but unfamiliar next to me. He spoke with his head pressed against me in the hug. His words were muffled, but I understood every one of them, “It’s hard to be the strong one, but I should have been. I need to be.”
“You don’t need to be anything, Dad. You just need to be here.”
He held on to me for a few minutes, neither of us talking but for the first time since Mom had died, I didn’t need him to.
“I’m so sorry,” he finally said, his eyes welling up. He shook his head. “What I did was wrong. I protected the wrong person.”
“Sometimes it’s hard to see who the enemy really is,” I said, not because I was letting him off the hook but because I knew how easily you could be blinded by something if you were trying to hold on to what you loved.
“It’s my job to keep the enemy away from you,” he said.
I thought about those months after Mom was diagnosed. Dad had been the hero for all of us. He protected, loved, and cared for Mom even when it seemed she was giving up, even when Brett and I could see how sick she was. He watched over us and remained the strong one. Dad had fought for what he loved, and he could do it again.
“You can start to fix things,” I told him. “Talk to Brett. Tell him to come home.”
“I need to make this better.” Dad looked me straight in the eyes. “I will make this better. I’m sorry, Kate.”
“Thank you,” I said and didn’t even try to fight the tears that formed in my eyes, because that was exactly what I’d needed to hear. It was far from the perfect apology, but none of us are perfect. It was a start, and right now a new start was exactly what my family needed.
Chapter 86
Dad sat at our kitchen table with my laptop and read the comments on my blog, and I went upstairs to change out of my uniform into jeans and a sweatshirt. I wasn’t going to school, but it wasn’t because Beacon was keeping me out. Dad wasn’t going either; the two of us were going to the police station together.
I pulled up a chair next to him. He scrolled through one of my postings as I rubbed my hand over the indentations on the worn table that had seen my family through so much.
“Did you know,” he said, pointing at the screen, “that Brett posted on here?”
“Yeah, he’s read it all.”
Dad’s face grew sad. “He’s grown up, and I’ve missed it.”
He turned back to the screen. People had been on all night. There were twenty or thirty messages below some of the posts.
“I should have listened to you, Kate. All these people, and I couldn’t—”
“Dad, you’re listening to me now.”
And it was the truth. Dad couldn’t take back what he had done. He had made his mistakes, but he recognized it now. He was listening, and that was enough for now.
Chapter 87
Jack’s truck was sitting in my driveway when we returned from the police department. The engine was on, and little puffs of smoke came out the back pipe.
Dad put his car into park. “Do you want me to stay here with you?”
I shook my head. “No, go ahead to school. I’ll be fine.” Dad had asked me if it was okay for him to go to work after we filed reports against Luke and Ali. I told him it was. He had a lot to deal with, and I was the catalyst of all of it. He needed to go back to Beacon, but he was no longer choosing the team over me.
“Are you sure?” he asked, still clutching the
gearshift.
“Yes, go ahead. I’ll be fine,” I said, even though I wasn’t. I had no idea why Jack was here. After everything I’d done, he probably hated me even more now.
Dad pulled out of the driveway but stopped once he reached the street. He unrolled his window and nodded at Jack. Jack nodded back, and Dad sat there, letting the car run to make sure everything really was okay.
I took a deep breath and walked to the passenger’s window. I could hear the radio on even with the
windows closed.
Jack opened the door but didn’t move from his seat. “Hi,” he said.
I looked at him. Whatever he was here for, I wasn’t going to make it easy.
He jumped out of the truck. “Can we talk?” His shoulders were hunched, and he looked almost
defeated. Instead of feeling glad about this, I felt sad.
“Okay,” I said and pulled my key out of my purse. He followed me to the door and stood a few feet back while I opened it. I threw my stuff on the table in the front hallway and stepped back outside.
Jack gestured toward the steps outside. “Do you mind if we sit?”
I walked out and sat far from him.
“I’m probably the last person you want to see right now, but I—”
“You aren’t.”
“What?”
I almost laughed. “You aren’t the last person I want to see. In case you forgot, Luke is at the top of that list.”
Jack closed his eyes. My words had gotten to him, but instead of feeling good about it, I felt worse.
“I was such a jerk. I deserve anything you have to say to me.”
Neither of us spoke, and I let his words sink in. Jack wasn’t here to yell at me. He was here for
something different.
“I don’t know if you’ve heard yet, but Luke and a few other players have been suspended from the team until the investigation is over. People are coming forward about stuff.”
I’d known this would happen. Dad warned me of it when we drove to the police station. He didn’t say it as a threat, words he once might have said to protect his team, but as reassurance that I’d be safe. The team would be punished, and so would Ali for sending out the picture of me.
“You sure you want to do this?” Dad had asked when we’d pulled in to the station.
“Positive,” I said, even though I was trembling.
Dad got out first and came around to my side, placing a hand on my back. “We’re doing this together, okay?”
I nodded, glad to know he was behind me. Instead of feeling as if he were bringing me down, I imagined we were holding each other up.
I shifted my focus back to Jack. “My dad and I went to the police today. To press charges against Luke.”
Jack was the one to turn away. He played with his frayed shoelaces. “I know what I did was wrong.”
“It was wrong, Jack. You abandoned me when I needed you the most. You didn’t even care.”
“I wasn’t thinking. All I saw was you and Luke together. It’s the only thing I could think about.”
“And so you sided with him. You didn’t even give me a chance.”
Jack kicked at the concrete.
“Why are you here?” I said, although I wasn’t sure if any response would sound right.
“I wanted to tell you I was sorry. I should have listened to you. It’s just the team has been—”
“It’s always going to be the team,” I said, and it was the truth. Jack was always going to side with the team.
Jack shrugged. “It shouldn’t be, but they’re my boys. Some of us have been playing together since we were five years old.”
I stood. “I’m not going to ask you to make choices. I don’t think you want to.”
Jack nodded. He didn’t try to make any more apologies or explain. He stopped halfway down the walk. “The team is everything I know.”
“It’s all a lot of us know.”
“I care about you, Kate. I always have.”
“I cared for you too.” I meant it, but my feelings for him were gone. I’d never come first to Jack, and it wasn’t fair to either of us to e
xpect something that couldn’t happen.
He walked back to his truck, started the engine, and drove away.
I wanted to be mad at Jack for leaving me again, but I now understood why I couldn’t be. He’d chosen Beacon a long time ago, and I’d seen firsthand through Dad how hard it was to pull your gaze away from the gleaming idol.
Chapter 88
Dad called two hours later to tell me he was still at Beacon and might be for a while longer. “Do you want me to try to get away sooner?”
“I’m fine. I’ll order a pizza.”
“Sounds good. I’ll try to wrap this stuff up and get home.”
I spent a few more minutes convincing Dad I was okay at home.
I was sitting on the couch in our family room when the doorbell rang. I grabbed some money and rushed to the door. My stomach growled in anticipation of the hot pizza. But it wasn’t the delivery man.
“Brett.”
“Don’t act so happy to see me. Were you expecting someone else?” he asked, one eyebrow raised.
“Kind of.” I laughed. “The pizza man.”
“Oh, well, that makes perfect sense. I’d be upset to find me too if I had been expecting pizza.”
“Nah, I’ll settle for you,” I said and moved aside to let him in. “So you’re ringing the doorbell now, huh?”
“It didn’t feel right to just walk in, after everything . . .”
“Dad’s not here, so you don’t have to worry.”
I headed into the kitchen, and Brett followed. The two of us sat at the table, the sound of our voices fading until all you could hear was the wind whipping against the windows. Brett’s face grew serious, and it seemed as if today was the day for heart-to-hearts from everyone around me.
“It’s not Dad I’m worried about.” Brett reached out to the middle of the table and moved around the salt and pepper shakers. “Kate, I . . . I don’t even know what to say. When I heard about what really happened that night, I wanted to go after Luke and smash his face in.”
“But you didn’t, right?” I gave him a serious look.
“Julia stopped me. She told me you were handling things and you’d come to me if you needed help.”
“I did need help, but I didn’t know how to let anyone know. Julia’s the one who told me I needed to do something.”
“Julia really cares about you.”
“I know, and it doesn’t make sense. I was such a snob when I hung out with Ali and Jenna. She shouldn’t like me.”
“I think that’s what’s so great about her. She doesn’t hold things against people.”
“We all need to be more like her,” I told Brett. I thought about how caught up I got in Dad’s team, how Dad shut himself off from anything bad about the team, and how Brett didn’t even consider giving the team a shot. We were all at fault.
“We need to try,” Brett said.
“Will you come back home? I need you. Things are pretty messed up.”
“Dad isn’t going to forgive me for enlisting.”
“It’s not his choice. The decision has already been made.”
“I’ll be leaving in a few months.”
The familiar fear hollowed my chest. “Why did you enlist?”
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “I had to, Kate.”
“You didn’t have to do anything.”
“Okay, then, I wanted to. I don’t fit in here.”
I closed my eyes and tried to push down the guilt. “I’m sorry for how I acted when I was with them.”
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause this. I’d wanted to enlist for a couple of years. Mom and I used to talk about it before she got sick.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, you don’t think I’d do something like this without giving it a lot of thought, do you? Mom supported me, and we’d hoped you and Dad would too when the time came.”
“But Mom’s gone now. I need you here. If you stayed, it could be better. We could try to fix things.”
“This isn’t my place. My place is with the Army.”
I wanted to tell him I knew what he meant, what it was like to want to be somewhere where you felt important. I wanted to say I understood. But I couldn’t, because I didn’t want the Army to be his important thing.
“I’m scared,” Brett finally replied.
I held on to my next words for a minute. “I am too,” I whispered.
“I’ll be back. I’m not leaving you or anyone else.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
I knew without a doubt Brett was here for me.
Chapter 89
“You don’t have to go back to Beacon,” Dad said a week later as the two of us maneuvered around each other in the kitchen and made breakfast. It had been a long week. Dad agreed to finish out the season with Beacon, and the school was doing whatever they could to keep their image clean. Luke was suspended from the team, and I’d filed a restraining order against him until the court moved forward with our case. Ali had charges against her for the distribution of my picture, and Julia said a speaker was brought in three days earlier to talk to everyone about the
repercussions of taking and sending naked pictures. The school was looking into the accusations made on my blog and new ones from students who had stepped forward. I may not have put an end to the favored treatment of the basketball team, but it was an issue that couldn’t be ignored anymore.
“I know. You’ve told me a hundred times, but this is something I want to do,” I said as I buttered a bagel.
Dad had told us we could transfer, but I didn’t want to run away. I needed to go back. Not going to school would be admitting defeat. I wasn’t letting Beacon win. They’d pushed me around and controlled my life enough. Today I would face everyone.
A horn honked outside, so I took a big bite of my bagel.
Brett had moved in a few days ago. I knew he talked to Dad, but no one brought up the conversation and it wasn’t my place to ask. I was just glad to have Brett home, and while the three of us weren’t joking around like old times, Dad was making a real effort to be home more. We ate dinner together, and he didn’t immediately retreat to his office. Sometimes he’d sit and watch TV with us for a while. It wasn’t a big change, but to me it was huge.
I stopped eating my bagel long enough to yell, “Brett, Julia’s here.”
“Be right down.”
Dad and I looked at the ceiling as Brett banged around in his room.
Finally, he jogged down, straightening his tie. “Let’s get a move on.”
Dad placed a hand on my shoulder. “I want you to know I’ll be at school all day. If anyone gives you trouble or you want to leave, come to my office. I can take you home.”
“I’ll be fine,” I said, and I knew no matter how bad things got, I wouldn’t go to his office. I had to stand up for things. I couldn’t depend on help because of who my dad was. That wasn’t the way it worked anymore.
Julia had the heat on full blast when we got into the car.
“How are you feeling?” She looked at my reflection in the rearview mirror.
I grimaced. “Sick to my stomach.”
She gave me a sympathetic look and pulled out of the driveway. All the lights seemed to be green, the streets clear of traffic, and we made it to school in record time.
I held on to the handle, unable to pull it down and open the door. I watched students talking and laughing as they headed inside Beacon. Everyone had maroon ribbons in their hair, numbers painted on their faces, and wristbands sporting school pride.
“The team is playing Saint Edwards tonight,” Julia said. “They’re undefeated too. It’s a big game.”
“Saint Edwards?” I remembered the last time I saw Saint Edwards play, the night I first talked to Jack. I felt a brief wave of regret, but I pushed it away. Jack and I had changed. We weren’t the same people.
This was a big game, but Dad hadn’t mentioned it. He hadn’t even seemed nervous the w
ay he used to be.
“Just what we need,” Brett muttered. “Another reason for these jerks to walk around the school like they own it.”
“They aren’t the only ones,” I said, pushing open my door and stepping onto the concrete, onto Beacon. “Let’s do this. Let’s show the school they can’t scare us away.”
The two of them followed, and together we walked into Beacon with our heads held high, as if we owned the place.
www.allmytruths.com
Today’s Truth:
We will all be okay.
People will hurt you,
but others will love you.
People will disappoint you,
but others will surprise you.
People will judge you,
but others will accept you.
People will betray you,
but others will support you.
People will leave you,
but others will return.
You will be okay.
We will all be okay.
We will make it through this life.
Together.
Posted By: Your Present Self
[Tuesday, January 21, 3:38 PM]
18
Acknowledgments
The Beatles sing, “I get by with a little help from my friends,” but I think with Canary, I got by with a lot of help from my friends. I am grateful for the support of so many people during the process, a list that could probably warrant an entire book itself.
First, thank you to my wonderful agent, John Rudolph, who sold Canary amidst my wedding craziness. I never thought I’d be e-mailing my agent about a book deal the night before my wedding and back and forth on my honeymoon! Thank you to Medallion for your faith in this book, especially the editorial department, Helen Rosburg, Ali DeGray, Emily Steele, and Lorie Jones.
I had an awesome group of readers who helped shape this book into what it is now, including Christina Lee, Lisa Nowak, Krista Ashe, Emilia Platter-Zyberk, Lee Bross, Rachel Grassy, Jamie Blair, Jennifer Wood, Katherine Connolly, librarian extraordinaire Jodi Rzeszotarski, and my wonderful student readers, Arial Hedrich and Miranda Webb.
Canary Page 25