by LK Chapman
‘Yeah, I guess so,’ I said.
Lily sank down onto a bench near the map. ‘What do you think getting run over by a train would feel like?’
‘Probably not that great,’ I said.
Lily folded her arms across her chest, huddling against the cold. ‘I don’t really want to die,’ she said, ‘I just don’t want my life to be like this. I don’t want all this pain.’
‘I know.’
A train turned up and a few people got off, then the man in the tracksuit and the woman with the kid got on.
‘I never wanted to do a biology degree,’ Lily said.
‘Really?’ I said, ‘why did you then?’
‘Because I’m stupid,’
I laughed. ‘That doesn’t make much sense!’
‘No. I mean, I’m stupid for doing it. I knew it wasn’t right for me. I’m not a very academic person. I like more creative things. Or practical things.’
‘So why are you doing it?’
‘My parents wanted me to,’ she said. ‘I don’t mean... I don’t mean it’s their fault. It’s my fault. I wanted to work with plants. I don’t know what, specifically. I just like learning about all the different ones, where they grow, what they’re called, what you can use them for. I used to love all those garden makeover shows that were on a few years ago and I like reading about all the things you can use herbs for and stuff like that. I thought perhaps I could do horticulture, or forestry, or maybe ecology or something.’ Lily sighed. ‘I don’t know. I guess they’re all stupid ideas. My parents said if I like plants I’d be better off doing a degree in biology and broadening my options.’ She thought for a moment. ‘Well, it wasn’t exactly like that. Dad knows how much I want to have a family in the future and he made some joke that he couldn’t see the point in teaching a girl to do anything much if all she wants to do is make babies, but that if he did have to shell out for me to do more studying it needed to be something... I don’t know. Weighty, I guess. It’s not that I thought doing biology was a terrible idea, although it wasn’t what I would have chosen. I just went along with what they said. But I shouldn’t have done it.’
‘Lily, you know what your dad said is outrageous, right? Even if it was supposed to be some sort of joke. You’ve got every bit as much right to be at university as I have.’
‘He’s got a point, though,’ Lily said. ‘They’re spending a lot of money on me doing this. I should never have said I wanted to do any higher education, I should have just got a job. I’m not cut out for this.’
‘This is crazy,’ I said, ‘I can’t possibly believe they’d want you to be unhappy like this. Why didn’t you just change course or something?’
She shrugged. ‘I never really considered it.’
‘So you just carry on with biology because it’s what your parents want?’
‘I don’t know,’ Lily said, ‘I told you. It’s not their fault. It’s my fault. I’m just so stupid. I do stupid things that I shouldn’t do, I make stupid decisions.’
‘That’s not true. You made one wrong decision because you didn’t stand up for yourself. But making mistakes is what life is all about. Mistakes are good. That’s how people learn.’
Lily stared out across the deserted platform and sighed.
‘Everything’s just so straightforward for you, isn’t it? Nothing’s ever difficult.’
‘That’s because I couldn’t give a damn what other people think,’ I said.
She looked at me sharply. ‘How do you do that?’
‘Do what?’
‘Not care what people think.’
‘I don’t know,’ I said, ‘I just don’t ever really stop to consider it. I just do what I think is right. It seems to me like all you ever think about is making other people happy and it’s making your life very difficult.’
‘I don’t make you happy.’
I looked at her. ‘Don’t you?’ I said, ‘that’s a shame, because I thought you made me really happy. In fact, I thought you made me the happiest I’ve ever been.’
Lily gazed curiously at me with her held tilted a little to one side. ‘What?’ she said.
‘You’re putting words in my mouth,’ I said gently. ‘Do you see that? You’re telling me I feel things which I don’t. I know what I feel Lily, and you should believe me when I tell you that I love you and you make me happy.’
Lily stared down at her lap. ‘Yeah, well. I’m mad, aren’t I?’
I smiled and shoved her lightly on the arm, thinking she was making a joke. But then she looked up and she had tears in her eyes. ‘I am though, aren’t I, Nick?
I hesitated. ‘I don’t think so,’ I said slowly, ‘but I don’t think you’re very well, are you? And I think you know that you’re not.’
A freight train roared past and Lily snuggled up to me as it blew cold, dusty wind into our faces.
‘I just want to get my degree. For it all to be over,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to get a job that uses it, but I want to get it. I don’t want to fail.’
‘I understand that. But your wellbeing has got to be more important. Your parents won’t stop loving you if you can’t get your degree; they want you to be safe. And your life isn’t so much about them anymore, is it, really? You should start thinking about what you want to do. About what you want your future to be like. I certainly don’t care whether you have a degree or not, or what it’s in if you do have one. It seems like a massive deal right now, but is it really? Put it this way. If you don’t get your degree, what’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like you’re going to die, are you?’
‘I will. I’ll kill myself.’
‘You’ll kill yourself over a degree?’
‘If I have to.’
‘Lily, you’re being ridiculous.’
‘So now I’m ridiculous?’
‘No! Lily, listen to me. You have got to get some help now. You’ve got to start telling people what’s going on with you. You’ve always been so thoughtful to other people; let them look after you for a little while.’
‘No,’ Lily said. ‘You just won’t understand, will you? I’ve made my life like this. I started something because I was weak and stupid and now I need to see it through. If it’s making me suffer, well, then, I deserve it.’
2013
Chapter 40
We started hunting straight away for the picture Dan had drawn of the strange code landscape, and soon he found it wedged down between the sofa cushions. He took it out and smoothed it flat.
‘Did you dream that?’ Lily asked as soon as she saw it, and I turned to her, filled with fear.
‘Was your dream like that?’ I asked her urgently, ‘that one you wouldn’t tell me about?’
Immediately she was on her guard. ‘I...’ she said, ‘I-’
I snatched the drawing out of Dan’s hands and held it up in front of them. ‘One of our players drew one of these code pictures and now he’s dead,’ I said, ‘if either of you know anything else about Interface now is the time to tell me.’
I watched as they absorbed the implications of my words, both shocked at the thought it could have been them.
‘Dan, why did you screw the picture up?’ I asked him, ‘when I found it under the sofa and asked you about it, you just screwed it up like it was nothing. Were you trying to hide it or something?’
‘No,’ he said, ‘I just didn’t want to think about it. I was feeling good that morning. I wanted to get out and look for a flat.’
His eyes flicked over to Lily and I got the distinct impression he was hiding something.
‘You know something,’ I said, ‘don’t you?’
‘No. I don’t know anything. But...’ he rubbed his forehead, looking torn.
‘What, Dan? What is it?’
‘Well... Lily’s not the only one who’s been talking to Interface.’
I stared at him, incredulous. ‘What?’
‘I never spoke to him in the daytime when we were all together like she did,’ he said
‘I talked to him at night when you and Lily were in bed.’
‘Unbelievable,’ I said, staring at them both in disgust. ‘This is unbelievable. Why, Dan? Why did you do it? Why did you keep it a secret?’
Dan tried to walk away from me into the kitchen but I followed him.
‘I didn’t want to talk about it, alright?’ he said, when he realised I wasn’t about it drop it. ‘Because when he talked to me it was... personal. I mean... he helped me when I was feeling down. We just chatted about stuff. I didn’t want to tell you about that.’
‘What stuff?’
‘Huh?’
‘What stuff?’ I repeated, ‘you said you chatted to him about stuff. What was it?’
‘Oh,’ he said, looking down at the floor. ‘It was about... you know. Mum... Robyn...’ He lowered his voice, ‘...Lily.’
‘Oh right, I see,’ I said, and he backed away from me as I took a step towards him. ‘We go to bed and you stay up talking to Interface about how you want to screw my wife? Is that it?’
Dan glared at me. ‘Well you made it abundantly clear how you felt about me saying anything to you.’
Lily got up from the sofa and ran across to us. ‘Stop it!’ she said.
‘What?’ I said, ignoring her and looking at Dan, ‘are you fucking high? On what planet would it be okay for us to talk about that?’
Dan looked at me moodily and started poking at a chip in the kitchen floor with his toes. ‘I’m just saying,’ he said.
‘Please,’ Lily said, ‘don’t fight like this. If Dan feels anything for me it’s my fault. I’ve acted completely inappropriately.’
‘Okay,’ I said, holding up my hands and taking a breath, ‘okay. Let’s focus on the important thing here. Both of you have spoken to him on your own. Both of you have seen these weird binary images. Are you sure he’s never told you what he’s doing?’
‘No,’ Dan said, ‘he doesn’t really say anything about himself. He just listens to us, asks us questions, talks about our memories. That kind of thing.’
‘How long has it been going on for?’
‘Not long,’ Lily said, ‘he started talking to me before I did all the weird stuff in the florist.’
‘And for me it was that same day, but in the night,’ Dan said, ‘I mean, he spoke to all of us that day when we were on the hill-’
‘So how do you do it?’ I asked them. ‘Do you just wait for him, or do you contact him somehow?’
‘The first time he just started speaking to me,’ Lily said, ‘but you can sort of call him, if you say Interface over and over in your head.’
‘Okay,’ I said.
‘Look, I’m sorry mate,’ Dan said, ‘it’s not that I was trying to keep it a secret, it just felt private.’
…
For a couple of hours we carried on trying to research what had happened, desperate to make sense of it.
‘I can talk to Interface,’ Lily said, ‘I can ask him myself what he’s doing.’
‘No,’ I said, without even looking at her.
‘Nick, I have to do something. I’m the one who has talked to him the most. I’m the one he’s threatening in order to keep you silent.’
‘We are not having that conversation again.’
‘We have to, Nick. The only thing we’ve ever said that has bothered him is when you threatened to expose his research. If his research is about killing people and us telling those journalists makes it so he can’t do it anymore...’
‘Lily, no.’
She got to her feet. ‘What if more people die tonight?’ she asked. ‘Do you want that on your conscience, knowing we could do something?’
She started making for the door again and I got up and grabbed her, holding her arm tightly as she tried to wrestle it away from me. ‘Lily, I swear to God I won’t think twice about locking you in the bedroom to stop you going down there, is that what you want?’ I said.
‘People are dying,’ Lily cried, still struggling to escape my grip, ‘we’ve got to help them.’
‘So what!’ I said, ‘those people aren’t my family. I don’t care if that sounds immoral. That’s the way it is. I’ll do everything I possibly can to help them but I am not sacrificing you to save a load of people I don’t even know, do you understand me?’
‘No!’ Lily said, ‘what’s so special about my life? I used to want to die once, or say that I wanted to be hurt. Perhaps this is what I deserve.’
She made another attempt to escape, pushing against my chest and trying to wriggle her way out of my grip but I pushed her up against the wall and held her pinned there, her wrists in my hands.
‘Please, Lily,’ I said when she stopped trying to fight me, ‘you don’t need to take any responsibility for what happens. As far as you’re concerned, you tried to tell them and I forced you not to. It’s all on me. You see that, don’t you?’
‘No!’ she said, ‘because I know I can stop it and I feel like I’m choosing not to. I’m choosing to put people’s lives at risk.’
‘You’re not,’ I insisted, ‘I told you Lily, this is all on me. I’m stopping you.’
‘So stop me!’ she said, ‘lock me in the bedroom. I’d prefer it because at least I wouldn’t have to feel so guilty.’
Her eyes filled with tears and I became aware I was holding her wrists very tightly. I let go straight away, shocked to see they were bright red.
‘I’ve hurt you...’ I said.
‘No,’ she said, ‘nothing could hurt me as much as this... as this... situation.’
‘I don’t want to keep you here like a prisoner,’ I said, ‘but you’re giving me no choice. Please, Lily-’
I was losing her. Her eyes flicked towards the door and before I could react she’d pushed me away from her and run straight out into the hallway.
I dashed after her but as it turned out I needn’t have bothered. There was loud thump as Lily fell to the ground, her arms still stretched out towards the stairs, her hair in a tangled cloud around her head.
‘Lily,’ I said, ‘are you okay?’ There was no answer so I knelt down and shook her gently, but her eyes remained closed, her body limp. ‘Lily!’ I said, ‘Lily, wake up! Lily!’
Dan crouched down beside me and shook her again, but when there was no response for almost a minute, he took out his phone and started dialling 999. But before he could make the call, the numbers disappeared again and I heard Interface in my mind.
‘Don’t be alarmed,’ he said. ‘Lily is perfectly well. But you can’t talk to anybody about my research. As we speak, I’m with her. I’m explaining this to her. I’m helping her to see why.’
‘Lily,’ I said, still shaking her. I even tried to open her eyelids, though when I caught a glimpse of her dark pupils her gaze was unfocussed.
I scooped her up into my arms but her body was heavy and floppy so I ended up just draping her against me, her head hanging lifelessly over my shoulder. ‘No!’ I said, ‘don’t listen to what he’s saying to you, come back to me Lily, please, come back to me.’
Chapter 41
When Lily came round she was weak and confused, so Dan and I carried her to the sofa and lay her down, where she smiled serenely and held both our hands.
‘I love you,’ she said.
I kissed her forehead, ‘I love you too.’
‘I mean both of you.’
I gave Dan a look of warning, but he pretended not to have seen. ‘I love you too, Lily,’ he said.
For a second I wanted nothing more than to knock him out, but I knew I had to focus on Lily, on getting her to tell me whatever it was that Interface had told her.
‘It’ll be okay now,’ she said, ‘you don’t need to worry, everything will be fine.’
‘What do you mean? Do you mean Interface isn’t going to kill anybody else?’
Lily giggled and let go of our hands to roll over onto her side. ‘They’re not dead,’ she said.
‘What? What do you mean?’
‘The people. They’r
e not dead. They’re in the Network.’
I tried desperately to get her to explain, but she couldn’t, or wouldn’t. She still couldn’t tell me what the Network was, what it was trying to do, what would happen next or even what the deal was with the code pictures.
‘I guess they’re just to do with the game,’ Dan said to me a bit later, ‘you know, because Affrayed seems real but it’s actually just code.’
‘You think so?’
He shrugged. ‘Unless you’ve got a better idea?’
I thought about it, and I had to admit it made sense. Everything was about the game, or at least had started out that way and I could well believe that people would buy into his nonsense if Interface was trying to suggest that perhaps reality wasn’t real as they thought.
‘What are we going to do about Lily?’ Dan asked. She’d fallen asleep on the sofa under his duvet and I couldn’t help but notice the way he smiled when he looked at her.
‘Why did you have to go and tell her you’re in love with her?’ I asked, ‘why did you have to fuck with her head even more?’
‘She said she loved me.’
‘She meant as a friend,’ I snapped.
‘Okay, well, I’m sorry,’ Dan said, ‘But I do love her. I can’t help it.’
…
The next morning Lily had snapped out of her reverie and seemed in turns distant, sad, anxious, yet oddly excited.
‘Lily, please talk to me. What’s going on, what are you thinking?’ I asked as we sat round the little dining table in the kitchen cradling cups of strong coffee.
‘I feel confused,’ she said, ‘Interface, he’s shown me a lot of things. But I’m not certain I understand. I mean, he said the dead people are in the Network. Can that be possible?’
I took her hand. ‘No, of course not,’ I said. ‘Forget about him and his lies. He made you collapse to stop you talking yesterday; you’ve got a bump on your head the size of a ping-pong ball.’
Lily touched it. ‘It’s not that big,’ she said. ‘I feel a bit ill though.’
‘You should let me take you to hospital.’