‘Hello, I am Donna,’ she said.
Unsure of whether I was allowed to speak during her two minutes I risked a ‘Marcus,’ and a smile.
She seemed a little nervous ‘Ok, well…..I am twenty seven and single of course.’ I just smiled again making a mental note of what she said during her two minutes, not because I was interested but I needed something to say during mine.
I looked at the clock, thirty seconds had gone, don’t interrupt for a minute and a half then just repeat what she had said.
‘I like horse riding, motor bikes and I am a police officer,’ she continued.
‘I was pepper sprayed this morning,’ I blurted out breaking the no interrupting rule after a mere one minute. Well it felt very uncomfortable if not unnatural for two strangers to have timed conversation windows, surely it was better to let things flow naturally? At least we had something to talk about that was of mutual interest as horses and motorbikes did not feature highly in the list topics that I could discuss from an informed standpoint.
‘By the police?’ she said very deliberately.
‘Yes.’
‘You were arrested?’
‘This morning.’ I nodded.
‘What for?’
‘Going equipped for a burglary.’
She got up and left the table.
I sat on my own for the remaining three minutes and noticed that Frankie was engaged deep in conversation at the end of which he made some notes on a pad. I realised I had a similar pad with six boxes printed on it, Frankie saw me looking quizzically at it. ‘It’s for the chicks you want to see again,’ he told me. ‘You can only pick six though so it’s best to make a note then fill it in at the end. They do the same.’
‘Who?’
‘Them,’ he said pointing at a large table where the female participants had seemingly congregated to make their own notes. ‘You will get a list of the ones who want to see you, so you can choose to contact them through the organisers if you’re interested. They get a list of the blokes who want to see them, same deal.’
‘You’ve done this before?’
‘Oh yeah! Great way to meet desperate women.’
Desperate women? Was Stacy desperate? Was I? My thought process was broken by the arrival of the next competitor, an Indian lady who was half my age at least.
‘Hi,’ she said. The lack of enthusiasm in her greeting indicated to me that she was potentially concerned about the age difference between us as well. She sighed deeply but to her credit politely attempted to begin.
‘I’m Pushpa.’
‘Hi, I’m Marcus.’
‘Well, I live a few miles away, go to college locally and before you ask, like the first prat I met. No I don’t live in a takeaway.’
Despite our age gap it seemed she was as disaffected by the whole speed dating process as I was. Mutual regret at our participation was something I could use to survive the next four minutes.
I elected to try and put her at her ease, ‘Actually y’know what? I can’t abide Indians.’
She stared at me with a shocked expression on her face, ‘You racist idiot!’
Racist?
‘No, I meant…’ she was already gone. ‘Curries, they’re too hot…..’ I quietly finished to myself.
I put my head on the desk; I still had another eight of these encounters to go. Once Pushpa had got up she had simply continued walking and left the room, knocking over the do not disturb sign as she went. I momentarily considered following her escape route but then I saw John remonstrating vigorously with Rebecca about the fact that his sign was now in need of replacing and I reluctantly decide to stay. It couldn’t get any worse could it?
‘You aren’t very good at this are you?’ Frankie asked.
‘Not very.’
‘Listen.’ I waited for him to continue but he didn’t. He saw my confused expression, ‘No, just listen. To them. Nod, smile but don’t speak. Then when it’s your turn ask them more about themselves. It works, trust me.’
I was joined by a very attractive smartly dressed lady who had long black hair and thankfully was of a similar age to me.
‘I’m Annie.’
‘Marcus,’ I replied. Then taking Frankie’s advice I said nothing, simply nodding and smiling as she told me her life history. She was obviously engrossed in her subject matter and it seemed rude to interrupt her when it was my turn to speak so I let her carry on. Neither did I stop her when we reached the open chat final minute, however her monologue ended with the culmination of the five minutes.
‘It’s been lovely to meet you errr.’ I had not spoken other than to say my name and she had already forgotten that, to cover her embarrassment she extended her hand and we shook. I noticed Frankie lean forward and kiss his counterpart on the cheek.
The next lady was called Sue and worked as a secretary, mercifully Frankie’s advice worked and we had a fairly engaging chat. As the session ended I was mentally caught between trying a handshake or a kiss but decided to play it safe and offered her my hand. However it seemed I had taken too long to decide as she had already moved on leaving me sitting there with my hand extended into empty space.
‘Claire,’ the next lady barked at me, ‘Project Manager.’
‘Err, Marcus. Egyptologist.’
The saying nothing and nodding plan collapsed in the first few seconds, ‘Egyptologist? Right, what do actually do then?’
‘Well I study Ancient Egypt.’
‘Where?’
This was rapidly starting to feel like an interrogation, she could have taught pepper spray and thing or two about eliciting information from people.
‘Well, Egypt each summer and until recently at a University here in London.’
‘Until recently?’
Was it really only forty five seconds into the session? It felt more like a life time.
‘I err, my department closed,’ I was beginning to feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights and fearing her response added, ‘But I have a new position.’
‘Where?’
‘Texas.’ I said proudly.
‘America?’
Is there another Texas? ‘That’s the one?’
‘Hmm, so why are you here then?’ This sounded more like an accusation than a question.
‘Pardon?’
‘Well you are wasting my time if you are going to America.’ She wrote something on her pad and as I craned my neck I could see she had written “Get 10% discount – time waster”.
‘I’m Bella,’ the friendly faced lady with lots of blonde hair who was next introduced herself.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Frankie mouth the word “Listen” so elected to go back to the nodding and smiling plan. Bella was very nice to talk to and she enjoyed listening to some of the same music I did, she also drank Earl Grey. If I had not been going abroad I might well have attempted to meet her again I thought. That was until the final few seconds as we parted.
Automatically I extended my hand but I was feeling buoyed by the first positive “date” and on impulse decided to change tack and kiss her cheek. Frankie was also once again doing this to his partner so it seemed appropriate. Bella however did not realise my intentions had changed and was reaching for my hand as I leant forward. The combined movement of our heads coupled with the differing angles of approach resulted in my head butting her just above her left eye.
She reeled back collapsing on the floor, I was rooted to the spot with shock as Frankie leapt to her aid. The perfect gentleman, he reassured her that she was safe and that the large egg shaped swelling would soon go down. Rebecca intervened and managed to give me a withering look before escorting Bella away for first aid.
As I plonked myself down disconsolately in my chair I noticed Donna staring at me, for a moment I thought she was going to arrest me. Having never had dealings with the police before in thirty four years, to then be arrested twice in one day must be some sort of record I reflected. At least it would have given me an escape r
oute.
‘I’m Lizzie,’ the next lady said as she sat sideways on her chair, ‘I know Karate.’
Sitting through five minutes of silence with Lizzie I realised to my dismay that I still had another three dates to go. As soon as Rebecca announced it was time to change Lizzie was gone in the manner of an Olympic sprinter getting out of the blocks. Rebecca then announced that ‘Due to unforeseen circumstances the next date will be the last,’ glaring at me as she did so.
Trying to avoid eye contact for as long as possible I stared at my shoes, I was aware that my next victim had apparently plucked up the courage to seat themselves at the table so I reluctantly looked up.
‘Hello I’m Stacy.’
Thank god! ‘Can we just go please?’
‘Why are you embarrassed to be seen with me?’
‘Hardly, I have insulted or assaulted everyone who has sat in that chair.’
‘Well, this is your chance to finish on a high note.’
‘Ok,’ I said reluctantly. ‘Carry on.’
‘Y’know seeing as you have become a bit of an enigma tonight, I thought you might wanna go first?’
‘Not really.’
‘Try.’
‘What do I say?’
‘Whatever it is that you have said to the other girls, but without the insults or physical violence though.’
‘Ok…I’m Marcus… Oh this is stupid!’
‘Try,’ she said again more firmly.
‘I’m thirty four.’
‘And what do you do Marcus?’ She was attempting to role play, I had no idea why.
‘I’m an Egyptologist.’
‘Hmmm, and who do you teach……currently?’
‘Unive… err no, young people who are apparently hard to reach,’ I said getting into the swing of things.
‘Really, where’s that then?’
‘At a local day centre.’
‘Hmmm what’s it like?’
‘It’s…it’s. Great I guess.’
‘You guess?’
I found myself speaking before I was sure of what I was going to say; this was very unlike me but for some reason I found it liberating.
‘Yes, it is. There is an atmosphere inside the building that transports you away from the noise and the grime outside. An oasis of pleasantness in an altogether unpleasant world, where young people have the opportunity to develop as human beings.’
‘That’s lovely,’ she said.
‘Yes it is, because of you.’
‘Me?’
‘Oh don’t be obtuse,’ her smile faded a little at that. ‘You are the centre, you’re the reason Dan paints pictures but only puts the sun shining in the ones of you.’
She was silent for a few seconds then said ‘I
didn’t know.’
‘Oh yeah, have a look all the ones of you…’
‘No. I meant I didn’t know that’s how you felt,
how you saw things.’
‘Well… you do now.’
‘And time!’ Rebecca called.
Chapter 22.
Once back in Dolly Stacy started to laugh, ‘You told her you didn’t like Indians?’
‘I meant curries.’
‘You plonker! No wonder she was offended.’
‘At least she wasn’t injured.’
‘Well yeah, there is that. Actually I had a word with the lady you nutted.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yeah, I explained that you were an exceptional case. She was very understanding and didn’t hold a grudge at all, as long as you never go near her again…’
‘Oh, ok….. Hang on, special case?’
‘Yep.’
‘Meaning?’
‘I told her you had been locked away in an institution for fifteen years. Was I wrong?’
‘Well no, but she would have thought you meant something totally different!’
‘I wonder why?’
We drove on in silence for a period before she said ‘You have to be the world’s worst speed dater!’
‘Agreed. So what’s next?’ I asked meaning was she dropping me at Henrietta Street.
‘Er, they send us an email with any matches on.’
‘No I mean..matches?’
‘Yeah, y’know the card we handed in?’
‘I didn’t bother.’
‘Yes you did.’
‘No, I filled it in but then realised it was pointless so I didn’t hand it in.’
‘Yes you did, via me.’
‘What? Why did you do that?’
‘I just wanted to see if anyone was crazy enough to be interested in you I guess.’
‘Well that’s hardly likely is it? Besides I am going away in two weeks remember, what’s the point?
‘Yeah, I remember,’ she said quietly.
There was another period of silence then she said ‘I knew I should have had my hair done, my flippin roots are showing,’ looking at herself in the mirror.
Was she serious? ‘Don’t be so naive,’
‘Naïve?’
‘Yeah, no amount of artificial interference would do anything for your appearance, or your personality for that matter.’
‘Really?’ she said with a hard edge to her voice.
‘No, they are perfect as they are.’
‘Really?’ she repeated but this time much more quietly.
We were nearing Henrietta street, ’Here will do,’ I said.
She pulled over, ‘Listen I have had some stuff come through about the proposed youth club,’ she said as I got out. I looked at her and nodded, ‘Soooo, I guess we are gonna talk about that Monday?’ she asked.
‘For sure,’ I said closing the door.
As I entered my room I found an envelope which had been pushed under the door, my first mail I realised. Picking it up I saw it was from America, Hank had sent the air tickets which I was very gratified to note were in business class. There was an itinerary which told me everything I needed to know, from the time that a car would collect me, through to which apartment I would be staying in during my visit. It also told me that following my arrival on the Tuesday of that week I would have two days “orientation”, give a presentation on the third day and an interview on the fourth which was the Friday. I would have the weekend there and would be advised via an informal meeting of the outcome on the Monday. It didn’t mention anything about my return.
Settling down to sleep I was surprised to find that I had not been in my room for nearly twenty four hours and in that time I had been pepper sprayed, arrested, incarcerated albeit temporarily, gone speed dating, accused of being a racist and had head butted someone, an eventful day.
I took my time with everything on Sunday and simply wanted to rest, however at around lunch time there was a knock on the door.
‘Wotcha mate,’ Alfie said.
‘Morning Alfie.’
‘Lunch time, let’s go.’
‘Where?’ I really did not want to do anything except sit around and eat something.
‘The boozer, it’s on me again. My way of saying sorry for getting you banged up.’
Banged up? Oh arrested. I was very hungry I realised, ‘Ok, sounds good.’
During lunch I updated Alfie on my situation, he was of the opinion that things were “Looking up”.
‘So how was it with the Rozzers?’ he asked.
‘Rozzers?’
‘The police, they give you a hard time?’
‘No, other than nearly blinding me in your flat whilst you were paralytic.’
‘Yeah, sorry about that mate.’
‘Don’t worry, that was the least of my problems.’
‘Huh?’
‘I ended up speed dating in the evening.’
His laughter was only interrupted by the arrival of our meals, ‘You went speed dating? Why?’
‘Stacy made me.’
His laughter stopped abruptly, ‘Stacy made you?’
‘Yeah.’
‘How exactly did a five foot four
slip of a girl make you do anything?’
‘Well….first off she wouldn’t pick me up from the police station unless I agreed to do whatever she said. Second I didn’t’ find out that’s what it was until it was too late.’
He smiled and nodded, ‘Yeah I get it.’
Yet again I was not sure what his meaning was but before I could begin to fathom another “Alfie-ism” as I had begun to call them he asked me, ‘So what was it like?’
I gave him the full unedited version of my horrific experience, when I mentioned the head butting he was struggling to breath and gesturing for me to stop. ‘Please, please, no more! You should be on the stage!’
Once he had regained his composure I mentioned the idea of the youth club and recounted the short conversation I had with Stacy as I got out of Dolly.
‘So you didn’t go back to her’s to discuss it then?’ he made the annoying quotation marks with his fingers as he said the word discuss. I had no idea what he was getting at but then again I did not know what he was on about most of the time, so I simply said ‘No.’
‘Right. Anyway I reckon I can help ya.’
‘How’s that?’
‘Sponsorship….of a sort.’
I waited for him to continue, ‘If you get the right gear I will put on one of my acts each week F,O,C, say on a Friday? I will advertise it n all that. Should get a few punters to your door.’
‘F,O,C,?’
‘Free of charge.’
‘Oh. But Alfie, it’s not a rave or whatever.’
‘Nah, it will be sweet. I have one guy who gets people up from the crowd and teaches em to rap! Its brill.’
I was very sceptical and he could see that, ‘It’s cool. Listen I will advertise it as up to sixteen years only and that there’s no booze and all that. Start at seven done and dusted by ten before the pubs kick out, no worries.’
‘I’ll run it past Stacy.’
‘You do that; tell her about my idea at the same time.’
That one completely confused me.
‘Course, she’s gonna have to get past the Parish Council first.’
Using the back of a menu he made me a list of equipment he thought we would need, ‘Ask about. Stick up posters, stuff like that. I’m sure you will get something sorted.’
Monday morning saw me waiting outside for Stacy clutching the menu in my hand; Stacy also had a piece of paper in hers.
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