by VK Gregory
‘And do I remind you of the women?’ his face drew closed as he quietly considered that,
‘You left him, but you defend him and I think you still want him, and we have to go,’ he didn’t stop for me to deny his accusations.
We crept out the back door, and down the passage way. The shadows of the evening were long and stretched out into the night, making trees look huge, hiding us each step of the way.
The tiredness in my bones made each step a struggle, the exhaustion pulling my eye lids closed as I pushed forward, following Dean and hoping that Danny wasn’t following us.
When Dean stopped outside a block of flats, I glanced around me. We were in a neighbourhood I didn’t know well, but I saw no sign that Daniel had followed us, the flats were plain, ordinary, indiscriminate. We could have been on any estate in any town in the UK.
‘If he sees us go in here, he won’t know which flat we are in, we’ll be safer,’ it made sense and I nodded, surprised to see him enter the code as and open the door,
‘How did you know?’ I asked as he held open the door for me,
‘My sister lives here, come on,’ I followed him as the door closed behind us. Daniel could not know the code, there was no way he could find his way in here. I stood in the dark foyer, standing on the shiny, cream tiles and for the first time in weeks, I felt safe.
‘Do you want to go see her?’ I asked gently as I walked next to him down the long, thickly carpeted hallway. He hesitated and then nodded, suddenly turning right down a different corridor. We stopped outside number 47 and he took out a key from his pocket.
‘I have to,’
‘Are you sure?’ I asked him, as he put the key into the lock, ‘I can stay here,’
‘No, come, meet my family,’ inside it was dim but obvious his sister was home, a toddler sat in the middle of the floor, holding a teething toy and a tall, smartly dressed woman stood by the mirror, applying lipstick.
‘She must have been on her way to work,’ he said softly, approaching her. She was darker than him, with long black hair and a hint of a smile on her face as she watched her toddler from the mirror.
‘What’s her name?’ I asked,
‘Alyssa, and that’s Jaiden,’ he said as he crouched down next to the boy. ‘I can’t believe they are stuck like this. I just want to hug him,’
‘I know.’ I did know, the feeling of seeing my mother, swelled inside of me. I had to go, ‘Come on, let’s go,’ Dean took one last look at his sister and Jaiden, then clenching his jaw he stood up, walking swiftly to the door.
‘Let’s find a place,’ I wondered if the proximity to his sister made things worse or better. He wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about her, trapped here forever, just as I couldn’t stop thinking about my mother, stuck in that house. With him.
The new apartment was big, and decorated in plush creams and browns. Getting in hadn’t been a problem as the door was already open, waiting for the owner to leave. Carefully we sidled past her into the apartment. It was large, much bigger than I thought it would be. I carried the bags into the kitchen, placing them on the shiny black counter top. When I turned around Dean was staring out the window silently,
‘You okay?’ he didn’t answer immediately, and I stood feeling awkward as I tried to think of what I could say to make it better. There was nothing. There was no better.
‘What do you think happened?’ he said, his voice shaky,
‘Honestly? I really don’t know. Nothing makes any sense. You know, it was just the people and animals, cars carried on, it makes no sense,’ I sat down heavily on a polished black chair and stared at the white tiles on the floor. Suddenly the world was spinning around me, nausea rising like a tide in my throat, I pushed it away, leaning forward to stop the world spinning. Somehow, I’d carried on, moving forwards when everyone stopped, but I couldn’t just keep going forever. Forever in this world of silence. I swallowed it back and smiled,
‘I made a list, of possibilities. I have too much time to think,’ I reached into my coat pocket. Dean watched me interested. Okay, one, the world stopped, two, the world carried on and we somehow slipped through into a different reality, and three, none of this is real.’ I waited, staring at the small green notepad in my hand,
‘Wait, that’s it? I was expecting a bit more,’
‘Well, I made a mind map for each of them, see’ I handed him the book and he blinked as he turned the pages,’
‘Particle accelerator experiment,’ he nodded to himself, ‘a virus; alternative reality; slipping between moments in time…’ he flipped through a couple of pages, ‘Your pages on option 3 seem extensive,’
‘It seemed the most likely option, plus I don’t really know much about theoretical physics. So, my guesses on that front are limited. It makes sense that this is an delusion, a nightmare, rather than some sort of twisted reality. One of us is crazy, dreaming, imagining it, or in some kind of computer simulation,’ my voice rose in pitch,
‘Yeah,’ he stared at me, I must have sounded crazy,
‘There’s a page supporting each option there,’ I said quietly, but he handed me the book without reading any more,
‘If this isn’t real, then one of us isn’t real,’ the silence felt heavy as I held the cool book in my hands, considering the reality of what he’d just said. Whose delusion was this? Mine, Danny’s, Dean’s?
‘What’s the last thing you remember?’ I asked Dean as he rested against the wall, staring out at the still world below.
‘I don’t know, just walking down the street, I guess just that. I walked and then you were there, and I was in agony,’ I nodded.
I toyed with a small pepper shaker I’d found on the table, it’s glossy surface slick in my hands,
‘You weren’t aware of the passing of time at all?’ I watched as he chewed his lip thoughtfully,
‘It’s weird, it was like blinking, or more like waking up from a sleep, in the same place. I knew it hadn’t been just moments but I don’t remember it being weeks, and the pain—‘ he grimaced, ‘You know how sometimes in the morning, you wake up and think you only just fell asleep but it’s actually morning, and others you wake from a sleep, and you know you’ve slept for ages, but you don’t remember the night? It’s like that. I don’t remember, but I knew.’ His posture changed, he tensed and stopped leaning against the wall, ‘I just want to know if they are suffering,’ he turned his face towards mine, and his eyes were glistening, brimming with angry tears,
‘I’ve asked myself that so many times, I don’t know. But you said you don’t remember standing there for so long, so maybe they don’t either. Maybe they aren’t aware,’ A muscle in his jaw twitched,
‘But their eyes—‘
‘They follow you, I know,’ I thought back to the hardware store, and all the eyes staring at me and I shivered,
‘Why me, why did I wake up?’ I didn’t have an answer. I let go of the pepper pot and watched it roll across the glossy table top and off the end. It hit the ground with a loud crack as it broke down the centre, releasing a cloud of grey pepper,
‘Why you, why me? Why anyone,’ he stared at the pepper pot and the grey mess on the floor and then at me, he walked over and picked up the broken pepper pot and put it in the bin poured himself a tall glass of beer, ‘shame it’s warm, I hate warm beer,’ I laughed as he took a sip and grimaced,
‘I already told you, you can’t get drunk’ I said appreciating his use of a glass; Danny always drank straight from the can. He gave me a sideways glance and then downed the entire glass in one go,
‘Let’s test that, what can I get you?’ I relaxed a little and sat back into my chair, we drank our drinks and talked.
Chapter Twelve
We didn’t get drunk of course. Like my earlier experiences with Danny, we drank heavily with no sign of it affecting us at all. But as we sat with each other, talking and wrapped up in a blanket against the cool of the unheated room, we became giddy and flushed and uninhibited. We
were akin to drunk.
I was sleepy and the night stretched before us, Dean sat next to me sipping a glass of wine.
‘Do you think this is it?’ he asked thoughtfully, pouring more wine into his glass,
‘The wine?’ I was confused, staring into the dark cherry red of my crystal glass,
‘No, this world. This apocalypse? Is this the end?’ I glanced outwards towards the window, but it was dark and the room reflected back at us, shadowy figures in a dark room, lit only by the flicker of a small orange flame,
‘I can’t believe it, it can’t be. This world is waiting for something. I can feel it. This can’t be the end,’
‘And if it is?’ he put down my glass on the table next to me and turned to face me, what do we do? How do we live here for decades?’ carefully I considered,
‘I don’t think that’s going to be an issue,’
‘It might be though,’
‘No, I mean, I don’t think we have forever here. I feel that maybe we aren’t supposed to be still moving, our end is coming too,’ it was too late for philosophical discussions, my brain was tired, my body hungry and exhausted; I couldn’t find the right words,
‘You think we’re - dying?’
‘I don’t know, haven’t you noticed that you feel hungry even when you’ve just eaten? We can’t get drunk, I’m always exhausted, and often sick,’ I paused to think, to say it without scaring him ‘I look at the livingstatues, and I think they are dying, slowly, very very slowly,’ he looked shocked, of course he hadn’t watched the statues over the last few weeks, and seen the deterioration of their bodies. He suddenly shuddered and stood up,
‘I need another drink,’
‘It’s not working’
‘I know, I still need one,’ he snapped at me. Who was I to argue? I pulled my legs up into the flowery fluffy blanket and curled into the corner, pulling it around me. My eyes felt heavy with fatigue, but I wasn’t sleepy, just exhausted. I shut them and allowed the sound of Dean making drinks to comfort me. When I felt him sit down next to me, the sofa dipping under our combined weight and his warmth spiralling around me like a heater, I opened them again, feeling woozy from the tiredness.
‘I might go to bed,’ he nodded, brushing a stray hair from his forehead,
‘I’ll see you tomorrow then,’ I stood up to go, trying desperately to find the energy to stand up, ‘are you ok?’ I fell back down again, my legs to tired and too weak, ‘I thought we couldn’t get drunk?’ I laughed loudly,
‘I wish it was the alcohol, the longer I stay here, the weaker I feel,’ Dean put his glass down on the thick pile carpet and then stood up, offering me a hand. Gladly I took it, feeling his shaky strength as he helped me to my feet. I faltered a bit as I stood, falling against him as he caught me. He stepped back into the glass and spilled the cherry red across the snow-white carpet. It looked like blood, and I stared at it a second too long, ‘I’m scared’ I whispered as I struggled to get my balance,
‘Alyssa, she has lupus. Some days she’s like this, barely able to stand,’ he wrapped a big arm around me and I let him hug me. Him almost a stranger, but his thick shoulders and warm arms encased me, I felt a shiver of excitement mixed into the glow of comfort. Looking up at him from his arms, I smiled in appreciation. As I tried to resist, our lips were meeting; warm and soft, I pressed my lips into his and encircled my arms around his neck, feeling his hands on my waist, as we kissed.
It lasted only moments, but I felt the apocalypse fade away as we shared in our mutual need for love and comfort. My stomach filled with warm, quivering, butterflies, fluttering and dancing, my head swam and tipped. And then it was over.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, pulling away,
‘We shouldn’t have done that,’ I looked away embarrassed as he stepped back. My body suddenly felt cold without him nearby. I wanted him to hold me. I needed him. I thought of Daniel and I hoped he would never know,
‘I have a girlfriend too you know,’ Dean looked away from me, ‘God, I feel shitty,’
‘Sorry, I just wanted…let’s hope Daniel doesn’t find out,’ his eyes widened,
‘Yeah, that wouldn’t be good. He doesn’t even know where we are though, I’m sure of it,’ but he stared out the window warily, looking down at the world below, we were only on the second floor, but I hoped it was enough to hide from him.
‘I should go to bed. See you in the morning,’ something in his eyes made me wonder if I would see him in the morning at all.
I awoke coughing in darkness. The blindness was not the night, but from the thick, black smoke filling the room. My throat burned as I tried to take a breath. Scrambling with panic out of my bed, I stood up fast and inhaled too much smoke, overwhelming me with oxygen hunger. Higher up the smoke was thicker, pungent and acrid - it smothered my lungs, I fell straight to the floor, covering my face with my top and trying to breathe shallow breaths,
‘Dean’ I cried coughing, ‘Dean, fire,’ I could not hear the roaring of fire, so I assumed the epicentre was not close. Yet. I crawled out the door, barely noticing the pains in my knees as I knelt on something sharp.
Where was Dean? Which room was he in. There were two other rooms here, and the living room/diner. I hesitated in the hallway, trying to decide which way to go. I didn’t have long, and I didn’t know the house well enough to travel blind,
‘Dean’ I tried again, my voice hoarse. Out in the hallway the smoke was thicker and it was hard to see. It was slow going on my knees. I would never make it. I would die from smoke inhalation before I could find an exit. Making a quick decision I stood up, but bent over, keeping as low as I could. I ran to the first room, pulling the duvet off the bed, But the bed was empty. The smoke was getting worse, I had to go, I ran to the other room, but that bed too was empty. Passing the living room and back down the hallway, coughing and spluttering. The smoke was as thick as fog out here, I could not see. I could not breathe. I had no choice, I had to leave him.
Smoke damaged, my lungs gasped for air. I almost didn’t go in, I almost ran though the hallway, and out. I fought every urge for self-preservation and ran through, shouting his name. He was there, on the sofa, asleep, the blanket wrapped around him like a cocoon. I prayed it wasn’t too late.
Pulling on his arm and shaking him I waited the longest seconds of my life until he sat up, spluttering and coughing with shock,
‘Fire, hurry,’ gasping for air, as my eyes burned I turned and keeping low, escaped through the front door without checking if Dean was following or not.
The hallway was worse than expected. I stared into the thick black smoke, like dark puffs of toxic cotton wool with despair. Dean appeared at my side. I saw a fire exit sign pointing to the left and quickly began to run that way, but he did not follow. I risked turning around to see him running the other way.
‘Dean!” I screamed at him, pressing my body towards the wall and crouching low, ‘this way,’ but he wasn’t listening.
Making a split-second decision, one that surprised even me, I chased after him, grabbing his arm, ‘the fire exit, this way,’ I was desperate now, I could not last much longer, every breath ached and throbbed, like breathing in razors, I was desperate for clean fresh air, ‘where are you going?’ he hadn’t stopped,
‘My sister. Jaiden,” he tried to pull away from me, his eyes tormented and red,
‘What can you do? You can’t even touch them; we have to go. Now,’ he shook his head, tears running down his face, ‘we’re going to die here, smoke inhalation, there’s nothing you can do for them. I’m sorry,’ he looked at me and then back down the hall and then back at me. I coughed, desperately gasping. He grabbed my hand and half carried, half pulled me towards the fire exit. I stumbled trying to keep up with him, falling to the ground. Dean picked me up, carrying me in his arms as he pushed our way through the fire door, out onto metal stairs. Curls of smoke followed us as he put me down and we stumbled down the steps, drawing in huge gasps of fresh air that burnt more than t
he smoke.
Finally, on the front lawn, coughing and breathing at last, we could see what I could only imagine before. Huge flames consumed the ground floor, licking at the windows, broken glass letting out orange tongues that curled upwards.
‘Alyssa, Jaiden,’ he cried, ‘I’m going to kill him’ Dean suddenly shouted hoarsely, jumping up and futilely staring at the building engulfed in fire,
‘Who?’
‘Your psycho boyfriend’ he screamed, suddenly facing me, his eyes blazing like the fire behind him,
‘Danny? You think Danny did this?’
‘What? You think he wouldn’t?’ incredulously I stared at him,
‘No, he wouldn’t’ I swallowed painfully, wishing my voice was louder, wishing I felt more certain,
‘So, he’d kill dozens of people, but not set fire to this building,’
‘No, he would set fire to a building, but I was in there, he wouldn’t hurt me I told you,’
‘Hmmm even if he knew you’d kissed me’ my stomach dropped, a huge wave of sickness overtook me,
‘How could he-?’ Dean’s face turned into a snarl, his lip curling as he stared at me with hate in his eyes,
‘I don’t know and I don’t care. If I hadn’t met you…why you, why not some nice normal person without a psycho ex,’
‘It’s not my fault—‘ I didn’t have the conviction in my words. Of course it was my fault. I had brought him into my twisted world because I needed a companion, he should have walked away,
‘No, except you knew that he was psycho, you said so, and yet you stayed with him,
‘I— ‘
‘And now Alyssa and Jaiden are dead, because of you and your goddamn fucked up boyfriend,’
‘This isn’t my fault, I didn’t choose this and you kissed me too remember, it wasn’t just me, you think you have no part in this? You can absolve yourself?’ sitting on the ground I felt vulnerable, the grass we wet beneath me, seeping into my smoky trousers, I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting,