He scratched his head. Had he just received a life lesson from a five-year-old? He considered the boy’s words. Life was indeed for the living. James had spent his whole life in pursuit of perfection, in an effort to make up for the loss of his mother. He couldn’t see it in his own life, but when he considered Justin’s situation, it seemed so clear. Of course Justin’s mother didn’t blame him. He’d been an infant, an innocent. There was nothing the boy could have done to prevent her death. And a normal father like Colton never would have blamed him, even if he’d been madly in love with the boy’s mother. A sane person doesn’t blame an infant for a mother’s death. James had known his father was mad, but it hadn’t hit him so squarely in the chest as it did after his discussion with Justin. By God, the child was right. Life was for the living and it had taken a little boy to teach him that.
James sprang up from his chair. Kate had hurt him, it was true. She’d hurt him by leaving and he’d been reluctant to make his heart vulnerable again. But the reason he’d been so scared of being hurt had always been about his mother. That truth he’d been able to admit to himself that night at the gin house. And Kate had tried to make things right. She’d followed him onto the balcony last night and begged him to give her another chance. He’d refused her. He’d hurt her. God. They were even.
He hurried out of the room and down the hall, calling for the butler, Nicholls, to bring him his coat and hat. He had to go, immediately. He had living to do, by God. Living without the constant guilt of losing his mother. Living without the censure of his father. Living the life he wanted, the life his mother would have wanted for him.
And he knew just what he must do first.
CHAPTER 44
When Lily brought Kate the pamphlet, she set it facedown on the side table next to her bed and refused to look at it. She’d spent the past few days writing in her journal … that, and trying to decide what exactly she would do next. The Continent was probably still the best choice, but she hadn’t been able to bring herself to leave. Not after seeing James at the masquerade, so disheveled, drinking … imperfect. What had she done to him? And would he realize that they were meant for each other? He’d been speaking of his mother when he’d told her he wouldn’t allow the only other woman in his life to go. She knew that much. He might not have mentioned her by name, but Kate knew. He blamed himself for so many things. And that’s why the man had the constant need to be perfect. Everything in this life rested on his strong, square shoulders. He took all responsibility upon himself. Just knowing it made her heart ache.
Thankfully, Lady Catherine had been kind enough to assure Kate that she could stay at her house as long as she wished. And of course, both Lily and Annie had offered their homes to her as well. But Kate preferred to stay with Catherine. Much less of a chance of seeing James. Much safer … for her heart.
She glanced warily at the pamphlet. It sat there like a little papery recrimination. Mocking her. She was glad James had decided to finally publish it. It made sense that he should recoup his losses on his house with the profits from the thing. And she’d already read the words before, knew every one of them by heart. She’d spent such agonizing hours writing them. But she just couldn’t bring herself to pick it up, open it, and read it again. It was out there now, for all of London to see. They would judge her one way or the other. At least now her side of the story would be told. Would Lord and Lady Cranberry read it? Would it change their opinion one bit? Probably not. But she hadn’t written it for relentless gossips like the Cranberrys. She’d written it for … James.
She knew that now. She could admit it to herself. She’d been so concerned about whether he believed her. And he had. In the end, he had. He’d seen to it that her defense was the best it could be, he’d saved her from the mob, taken her to his country house, offered for her … And she’d rejected him.
No, she would not read that pamphlet. She couldn’t. Not now. Perhaps not ever.
* * *
Two days later, Lily arrived at Lady Catherine’s town house and rapped on Kate’s door. Kate let her in, regarding her friend with a weary sigh.
“You must come riding in the park with me today,” Lily announced.
Kate sighed again. “I’m just not up to it. Not to mention it’s freezing.”
Lily rested one hand on her hip. “I refuse to take no for an answer. You’ve been shut up in this room for days, seeing no one, doing nothing. The brisk air will be good for you.”
Kate pushed up her chin. “I’ve been doing something. I’ve been writing in my journal.”
“Not good enough. I insist you get out. You’ll go mad in here.”
“What if someone sees me?” Kate replied.
“The devil take them.” Lily tossed her hand in the air. “If they say a word against you, they’ll have to answer to me … and my riding crop.”
Kate couldn’t help but smile at that, though she shook her head.
Lily tapped her foot on the rug. “I’ll wait while you put on your pelisse.”
“Lily, truly, I don’t want—”
Lily arched a brow. “You’re coming and that’s it. I’ll brook no further discussion on the subject.”
Kate made her way toward the wardrobe, grumbling. “Obviously, you’re the one who’s gone mad, but very well.”
Lily’s voice contained a smile. “Don’t worry. There are few people in the park this time of year at any rate, far too cold.”
Kate grudgingly pulled on her wrap. She had to admit, it would be nice to get out of the room. “Very well, let’s go.”
Lily looped her arm through Kate’s and led her toward the door. “Excellent. Now that that’s settled, I’ve been on tenterhooks. What did you think of Medford’s pamphlet?”
Kate stopped short. “I haven’t read it. I couldn’t.”
Lily turned to Kate, her eyes wide. “You must be jesting.”
Kate returned her stare. “No. I’m not. Besides, I already know what it says.”
Letting go of Kate’s arm, Lily marched over to the side table and swiped up the pamphlet. “Let’s go.” She motioned toward the door, shooing Kate out.
Kate rolled her eyes. “What are you planning to do … force me to read it?”
Lily pulled the door shut behind them. “If I must.”
* * *
As it turned out, Lily had been right. Very few people were in the park at this time of year. And for good reason. The cold was biting. But the brisk air felt good on Kate’s face for a change, and the bashful January sun had decided to make an appearance today. Kate raised her cheeks to the light and closed her eyes, breathing in the crisp afternoon air, while Lily maneuvered the curricle with a sure hand.
“Have you seen him?” Kate finally asked, breaking the silence between them. Then she cursed herself. Apparently, she couldn’t go fifteen minutes without mentioning James.
Lily gave her a sly smile. “Medford?”
Kate nodded. “Yes. How is he?” She twisted her skirts with her gloved hands.
Lily let out a long sigh. “The truth is, I’ve never seen him look so poorly and I told him as much.”
Kate’s hand flew to her throat and she clutched at the fastening to her pelisse. “Really?”
“Yes, really.” Lily nodded.
Kate bit her lip. “I know I should go to the Continent, but I just can’t seem to make myself leave.”
“May I give you a bit of advice?” Lily watched her from the corner of her eye.
“Yes, of course.”
“You might begin by reading the pamphlet.” Lily inclined her head toward where the folded paper lay on the seat next to them, exactly where Lily had placed it when they’d climbed aboard the vehicle.
Kate turned her face away. “I told you. I can’t.”
“Do you intend to take my advice or don’t you?” Lily asked in a singsong voice.
“Lily.” Kate couldn’t keep the exasperation from her voice. She rolled her eyes. “I know what it says.”
/> “Read it,” Lily prompted, pointing at the pamphlet with her riding crop. She gave a stern shake of her head.
“Lily, I don’t—”
This time Lily rolled her eyes. “Will you stop being so stubborn and read it?”
Kate set her jaw. She didn’t want to relive those feelings, that pain, the moment when she’d found George’s body. They were all there in stark detail. And she didn’t want to revisit that dark place. Not today, perhaps not ever. Why was Lily so intent upon forcing her to?
Kate plucked the pamphlet off the seat, glanced down at it, and steeled herself.
“SECRETS OF A SCANDALOUS GENTLEMAN.”
She blinked and looked twice. That wasn’t supposed to be the title. Not at all. Her eyes scanned the first several words.
“The truth is that this pamphlet was supposed to be the confessions of Kate Townsende, the dowager Duchess of Markingham.”
Kate’s heart beat faster.
“But it is not that. It is a confession still, but not the duchess’s confession. In fact, it is mine.”
Kate swallowed hard. “James, no,” she whispered.
“I am James Bancroft, Viscount Medford, and I am the owner and publisher of the press that published this pamphlet. My work includes Secrets of a Wedding Night and Secrets of a Runaway Bride. I’ve delighted in bringing you, the good people of London, scandal in the form of salacious pamphlets. I had intended to bring you the duchess’s story. But someone very young yet very wise taught me something recently, and now I understand that publishing scandal is not my true purpose.”
Kate’s eyes filled with tears.
“By now, you have learned that the duchess has been exonerated on all charges of murder. I personally reviewed every bit of the evidence and know that she is innocent, but then I’ve known that for quite some time.”
Kate pressed her hand to her chest. Lily gave her a sideways smile.
“The duchess was wrongly accused of murder and wrongly accused of a great many things in the minds and hearts of all of us. Only such ignorant hatred could cause an angry mob to destroy my town house. Only ignorance and judgment could incite such violence.”
Kate swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. She couldn’t read fast enough.
“I write this not to convince you of her innocence, because I know you will each make your own decisions on that score. I write this instead to inform you with no uncertainty that I stand with her.”
Kate gasped. Tears dropped from her eyes, landing in fat little splashes on the page and smearing the ink. She frantically brushed them away and continued to read.
“You see? The secret I am revealing here is not that I am the publisher of scandal, though no doubt that will come as a surprise to many of you. The secret, in fact, is that I am in love with Kate Townsende, madly in love, and my only hope is that she will become my wife.”
Kate glanced up at Lily. She could barely speak. The lump was permanently lodged in her throat. “Where is he?” she sobbed.
Lily gave her an empathetic smile. “I believe he’s at his town house. The one on Regent Street where he’s been staying while the other is repaired.”
“We must go.” Kate choked on the words.
“Say no more.” Lily had already deftly turned the conveyance around. They trotted out of the park at a brisk clip.
CHAPTER 45
Kate hiked up her skirts and rushed up the steps to James’s town house as fast as she could. Her slippers slap-slap-slapped against the stone stairs. She pounded on the door and then stood back, wringing her gloved hands and staring at the portal intently as if she could force it open with her sheer will. Moments later, the heavy door swung wide, and Locke’s large form filled the frame.
As soon as the butler recognized Kate, a wide smile spread across his face. “Your grace?”
Her breath came in short pants. “Tell me, Locke, is James here?” She bobbed her head, trying to catch a glimpse around the butler, into the house.
Locke’s face transformed into a frown. “I’m sorry to say he is not, your grace.”
Kate’s heart sank. She frantically searched the butler’s face. “Where is he?”
“His lordship has gone to Parliament this afternoon. The new session has just begun.”
Kate leaned up on her tiptoes and deposited a kiss on the older man’s leathery cheek. He blushed and stammered. “Your grace, why, I—”
“Thank you very much, Locke.” She whirled around and rushed back down the stairs and out into the muddy street where Lily sat impatiently on the seat of the curricle.
“Well?” Lily asked, her eyes as wide as the curricle wheels. “Where is he?”
“He’s in session at the House of Lords.”
Lily sighed and shook her head. “How do you like that? Most inconvenient. Don’t worry. I’ll take you back to Lady Catherine’s and we’ll return later when he—”
“Like hell you will.”
Lily’s head snapped around. Her expression could not have been more shocked had Kate just slapped her. “Pardon?”
“I said like hell you will!”
Lily’s mouth dropped open. “Why, Kate. What exactly do you plan to do?” she asked breathlessly, her hand fanning out across her breastbone.
With a sly smile on her face, Kate gathered her skirts, climbed back up onto the conveyance, and took a seat next to Lily. She nodded toward the matched pair of horses. “You’re taking me to Parliament. Now.”
Lily gaped. “P-P-Parliament?” she stuttered, her mouth opening and closing.
“Yes. Now. Please,” Kate added for good measure.
Lily shook her head. “Kate, we can’t.”
Kate arched a brow. “Can’t or shouldn’t?”
“Both!”
Kate turned to Lily and met her gaze. “With all due respect, Lady Colton, I determined several weeks ago that I intended to live. And if this isn’t a moment for living, I don’t know what is,” she finished with a resolute nod.
Lily eyed her carefully. “But Kate, have you any idea the kind of scandal it will cause if you interrupt Parliament?”
Kate threw back her head and laughed. Now that she’d made the decision, a curious calm had come over her, a curious calm paired with a giddy happiness. “I am the original scandalous bride. I’m already an outcast. Are you seriously telling me you think I’m worried about causing another scandal? Truly?”
Lily opened her mouth to retort but quickly snapped it shut again. “When you put it like that…” Lily clucked to the horses and shook out the reins. The team took off at a fast pace. Kate pressed her bonnet against her head and swayed with the jolt of the carriage’s movement.
What was she thinking? She moved to pinch the inside of her arm. Could she do it? Could she truly march into the Houses of Parliament and retrieve James? A thrill raced down her spine. She pulled her hand away and settled it in her lap instead. Yes, by God. She could do it and she would. Courage. Courage. Courage. Live. Live. Live.
Minutes later, the curricle pulled to a stop in front of Westminster. Kate stared up at the grand Gothic buildings and gulped.
“Are you quite sure about this?” Lily asked.
“Quite.”
Kate squared her shoulders. She’d come within weeks, perhaps days, of a death sentence. She’d caused a spectacular scandal. Telling the man she loved that she couldn’t live without him one moment longer wasn’t about to stop her from rushing into the House of Lords. Hell, she’d rush into the Prince Regent’s bathing parlor if she had to. Though no doubt she wouldn’t like what she saw.
Kate pulled her skirts to the side and jumped from the vehicle. She turned and winked at Lily. “If I’m arrested, I expect you to call upon Mr. Abernathy.”
“I shall do so with all haste,” Lily replied, pressing her lips together as if to keep from laughing. “Rest assured. And good luck. Now, go.” She motioned with her chin toward the buildings. “Oh, and one more thing.”
“Yes?” Kat
e replied.
“If you see Devon, don’t tell him I’m out here,” she said with a wink.
Shaking her head at her friend’s irreverence, Kate turned on her heel and faced the imposing Houses of Parliament. She took a deep breath, sucking cold air into her lungs. Steeling her resolve, she made her way to the south side of the Commons where the House of Lords sat. She marched up to the tall green wooden front doors. The gatekeeper, an enormous man, stood at attention. “What business do you have?” he asked in an imperious tone.
What business indeed? Hmm. She hadn’t quite thought this far.
“I am the dowager Duchess of Markingham, and I have urgent information for Viscount Medford,” she said in the most commanding voice she could muster. She raised her chin and stared the man straight in the eye. Unless the bloke had been unconscious for the past two months. he must have heard her name before. But would he believe she had urgent business?
His eyes flared. Ah, so he did know her name. He looked her over, up and down. She narrowed his eyes on him. What’s the matter? Never seen the subject of a scandal before?
Finally, he stood aside. He bowed to her, then straightened and nodded. “Down the corridor, your grace. Just through those doors.”
Kate expelled the breath she’d been holding since she approached the cavernous building. Good God. She’d never been so thankful to have the detested duchess title to bandy about in all her days. She had to admit, it opened doors, that title. It opened very large, grand doors.
“Thank you very much.” She nodded regally to the guard and made her way past him along the corridor, exercising a degree of patience she didn’t know she possessed. She longed to hike up her skirts and run, but she imagined the beefy guard tackling her and carting her off to the Tower if she attempted such a thing. No, better to remain calm and carry on as if she were just going to slip James a quiet, orderly little note.
She walked up to the side of the gallery and took two deep breaths. She stood outside the door, trying to quell the sick scared feeling in her belly. Then she pressed open the stately carved doors with shaking hands and stepped inside the large hall.
Secrets of a Scandalous Marriage Page 25