by M. K. Claeys
“Sure.”
“Do you think Brad is cute?”
“Oh, my God, no! He is so not my type at all, and honestly I think Rae would do a lot better for herself if she never thought about him again.”
“Finally, someone who sees it my way.” I breathed a sigh of relief. “Although,” I said gloomily, “it is kind of sad, because now we can’t hook you up with Rae’s sister. We were kind of hoping we could.”
“Does Rae have a brother?”
“A married one with two kids,” I giggled. “But seriously, you could get any guy you wanted, I bet. And then you can tell me how to do it too.”
“What about your boyfriend?”
I shuddered. My phone had gone off in my bag six times during lunch, and I didn’t even need two guesses to figure out how many of the voicemails would be from Brian. “Let’s not talk about him, okay?”
“Ryn, we both know that there are issues there, but if you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. I mean, hell, it took me over five weeks to tell you I’m gay.”
“True. And I will when I’m ready, you know, to talk about it. But not right now. Come back in about five weeks, all right?” I teased.
We walked for a while in now companionable silence, our arms linked and stepping our feet in front of each other’s in a crazy, swaggering captain’s walk, until a new question probed my brain.
“How long did you know?”
“That I was gay, you mean?”
“Yeah. I mean was it something you knew from birth, or was it, like, you woke up one morning and all of a sudden realized it. Like, you wake up and go, ‘Oh, look! It’s raining outside.’ And right after that, you go, ‘Oh, and I’m gay! Guess I’ll have Pop Tarts for breakfast.’”
Paul laughed. “I’m not sure. I guess it was always something in the back of my head that I just chose not to think about. Like, how if you’re afraid of something, you just block it so you won’t worry about it. I was kind of afraid of what people would think, I guess, so I just went along with the mainstream of things, in that sense, anyway. No one asked, and I sure as hell wasn’t telling.
“I mean, I’d been hit on by other guys when I was in high school, and I just kind of looked at them and said, ‘Um, dude, I’m flattered and all, but I’m not gay.’ I guess in the end they knew what they were on about because I really was. I think I really knew after my last girlfriend and I broke up. Even before we’d started dating, actually, I started thinking that maybe girls weren’t for me, but she wanted to go out together, and so I did, just to see if maybe I could make it work. To see if maybe I could make myself be normal.”
“Gay pretty much is normal, nowadays. Something like ten percent of the population is gay,” I pointed out. “But I take it that your idea that this girl would turn you back to the socially acceptable normal didn’t work, did it?”
He shook his head. “No. We started going out after a bunch of us went on spring break together, and then we went to prom and it got kind of messy. See, the same group of us rented a hotel room, and she wanted to take a shower together, so I went with her. In the end, to make a long story short, I couldn’t get it up, and we both went to bed. I slept in the same bed as her and everything, but I didn’t really sleep, and I don’t think she did either.”
“Wow. Did you ever talk to her about it? The whole, like, lack-of-sexual-reaction thing?”
“Yeah, eventually. It took weeks to get her to even talk to me, but in the end she was really cool about not telling anyone that I’d had a case of prom night erectile dysfunction, which surprised me. Most girls would have blabbed it all over the internet.”
“Very true. Most girls would have been hurt and wanted to make themselves feel better.” I paused. “But that’s not why she kept mum, was it?”
“No, it wasn’t. After I finally got hold of her, I found out not only why she hadn’t said anything, but why she pretty much isolated herself from all her friends after prom. She took it totally the wrong way. Apparently she had had all sorts of body issues during junior high and high school, and after the shower incident, well, I guess she thought the reason I didn’t get off on being naked with her was because she was ugly. She thought the only reason I dated her and the only reason her friends all hung out with her was because we felt sorry for her. So she never spilled the beans because she thought the reason I couldn’t get it up was all her fault because she looked like Quasimodo with her clothes off, or something equally as heinous.”
“Nice use of the word heinous.” We high-fived each other, but it was really just out of habit. It wasn’t the usual joyous hand slap. The conversation was just too serious. “I bet she was totally hot, though, wasn’t she?”
“Oh yeah. I’ll show you a picture of her online if you want once we get back. She’s gorgeous. A complete knockout.”
“Like Mitzy-bombshell or Rae-exotic?”
“I’d say she’s a combination of all three of your best assets, but it’s beside the point. I bet even now she still probably thinks it’s because when I saw her drop trou, I was disgusted or something.”
“So you never told her the real reason?”
He shook his head. “I haven’t told anyone. I guess that’s another reason why I went to school so far away. I finally had a place where no one knew anything about me and I could be myself, sexual orientation notwithstanding.”
“Well, I’m sure glad you came to UI. Don’t get me wrong, Rae and Mitzy are awesome, but sometimes I just crave a little guy levelheadedness. You’re my rocker boy.”
“And you’re my rocker chick.”
“And your secret’s safe with me, Paul, you know that, right?”
“I didn’t even think about it, to be honest, Ryn. I trust your judgment on it. It’s like, if you feel someone needs to know, you let them know, but you won’t go shouting it from the rooftops or anything.”
“Of course not,” I said. “And besides, something like that is what you write on the bathroom wall, not shout from the rooftops.”
“Exactly.” He grinned. “See, I knew you would understand. Come on, let’s go watch SLC Punk!”
“Only if you bring that caramel popcorn again.”
“Deal.”
9
Mitzy
I swiveled my chair back away from my desk to survey my latest work, an extra credit paper on diversity for my sociology course. I was rather pleased with my opinion on the subject. I just wished I had someone to share it with.
Bobby. Bobby was always up for a conversation, and it was only half past seven. He picked up on the second ring.
“Hey, Mitz, how’s my favorite sister?”
“I’m not sure,” I answered with a smile. “I haven’t talked to Caroline in a while.” He laughed at our standard joke. “So how have you been?”
“All right. Mama’s been getting on me again about my lack of a girlfriend, but you know how she is.”
“I sure do,” I giggled. “So when ar—oh, hold on.” I covered up the mouthpiece on my cell with my hand. “Sorry, Tasha,” I apologized in response to the glare she’d been giving me since my first word on the line. “I’ll take this outside,” I offered and softly closed the door behind me.
“Sorry about that. Tasha was reading, and I guess I was a little loud, so I stepped into the hallway.”
“No problem. So how are you liking the big-city lifestyle?”
I smiled into the phone as I settled myself on the hallway floor, leaning against the wall by my door. Bobby and I were in for one of our long conversations, and I couldn’t wait to fill him in on all the wonderful things about my new life in Illington and hear about everything back at home. An hour later, I finally stood, stretched, and let myself back in my room, saying one last goodbye to Bobby as my mama handed the phone back to him.
“It was really great to hear from you, Bobby. I really miss y’all.”
It was so nice to hear all their voices again, and Billy was so excited about finally finding something e
ven he could grow in his garden. I only hoped the pumpkins wouldn’t take over the farm.
“Me too, Mitz,” said Bobby. “Take care of yourself, all right? And send pictures of your new friends. Mama asked me to ask you for some so she’ll know who they are when you bring them to visit.”
“All right, I will. Love you, Bobby!”
“Love you, too, sis. Talk to you soon.” I ended the call and smiled.
“Who was that?” asked Tasha.
It was the first thing she’d said to me since yesterday morning, when she’d asked me if she could get past me to grab her toothbrush.
“Was it your boyfriend?” she asked.
I laughed. “No, it was my brother.”
She cocked an eyebrow at me, but said nothing. The door burst open behind me, and in rushed Tanya, Tasha’s closest friend. She bumped my shoulder on her way past and plopped down on the futon, putting her shoes on the pillow my sister Emma had embroidered for me.
“Tasha, girl, guess what.”
“What?”
“Richard totally asked me out! He takin’ me to dinner next weekend downtown.”
“Ooh, girl, that’s awesome! Where exactly he takin’ you?”
“I don’t know, he said it gonna be a surprise. You gotta help me pick out what to wear!”
“That’s great, Tanya,” I said enthusiastically.
I tried not to cringe at her feet on my pillow as I made my way back to my desk. I’d been hearing nothing but talk about Richard since the first week of classes—practically every girl on the floor knew how much Tanya liked him. But Tasha and I were the only ones who got to hear about it till two thirty in the morning three nights a week, and it was really making it hard to stay awake in my eight o’clock class.
“You must be very excited,” I added, putting the finishing touches on my paper and preparing to email it to my professor.
“Who asked you?” snapped Tanya. “It’s none of your business.”
I blanched. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. I was only just saying how happy I am for you.”
“Well, thanks a lot. Now I’m probably doomed. But anyway, Tash, should I wear my Baby Phat jeans with my Prada boots or my red Chanel skirt?”
I didn’t really know what to say to that, so I saved my draft into the folder I had created for that lecture, clicked the Send button on my email browser, and walked out of the door, pausing only to grab my keys from the bowl on the dresser. I swear I could feel the daggers from their eyes stabbing me in the back as I left the room. I headed down the hall to Jamaal’s room and knocked.
“Come in!”
I stepped inside, closing the door behind me. “Hey, Jay, you busy?” I asked, taking the proffered seat on the futon.
“Not so busy I can’t spend time with my favorite Southern lady. How you doin’?”
“I’m all right. Just finished an extra credit paper and was feeling a bit restless, so I decided to stop by.”
“Cool. You want some popcorn? I was going to make some for when Derek got back. We were gonna watch a movie, if you wanna stay.”
“I’d love some popcorn, and I’ll gladly accept the movie invitation since my homework is done.”
Jamaal put the bag in the microwave and came back to where I was sitting. “We should go get Ryn and Rae and see if they wanna come. We can make it a bit of a party.”
I smiled. “That sounds like a perfect plan.”
Soon enough, Rae, Ryn, Paul, Brad, Jamaal, Derek, Kate, Maliha, and I were all packed into Jamaal and Derek’s room getting ready to watch The Boondock Saints, Derek’s favorite film. There was a surplus of snacks because Ryn’s boyfriend, Brian, had sent her a care package of a gourmet popcorn tin—it had caramel, cheddar, and salted butter. The caramel was my favorite. Ryn and Paul sat on pillows and blankets in the window while Rae and Brad used the boys’ desk chairs in front of them. I laughed at Rae—she was letting Ryn and Paul play with her hair and she had braids, buns, bows, and odd ponytails sticking out all over her head. Kate, Derek, and Maliha pulled the futon on an angle away from the wall so they could see, leaving Jamaal and I with his bed being the only place to sit.
“If you toss me a pillow, Jamaal, I can sit on the floor if you’d rather,” I offered.
“Don’t be crazy, Mitzy,” said Jamaal. “I don’t mind, and you know there’s no way I’d let you sit on the floor.”
I smiled appreciatively, leaning against the pillow he’d propped up for me.
“Yeah, that and this is the only way Jamaal knows he’d ever get a girl in his bed!” Derek teased. “Especially you, Mitzy!”
We all laughed, and Jamaal chucked a pillow at Derek’s head.
“Man, shut up!” Jamaal cried, and Derek tossed a fistful or popcorn back at him, only most of it hit me.
“Whoops, sorry, Mitzy!”
“That’s all right,” I snickered, brushing the popcorn off myself.
“Whoever has the remote, start the movie already, will you?” cried Paul from the windowsill.
There was a mad scramble of more popcorn and pillows being thrown before it was discovered that Paul was the one with the remote after all. About five minutes into the movie, Jamaal laughed quietly.
“What’s so funny?” I whispered, The Boondock Saints not being exactly the most humorous of films.
“You,” he answered. “You still got popcorn in your hair.”
“I do? Where?” I started pawing through my locks trying to find it, but to no avail.
“Here,” Jamaal suggested. “Let me.”
He removed the offending pieces and then winked at me. Watch, he mouthed. He tossed the kernel, hitting Brad directly in the baseball hat, but Brad was too busy whispering in Rae’s ear to notice. We giggled.
“Hey!” hissed Derek. “Peanut gallery! Shut your yappers, or you’ll miss the best part!”
It only made us giggle harder. I buried my face in my knees while Jamaal stifled his laughter in his UI throw blanket. When we’d finally calmed ourselves, Jamaal covered our feet with the blanket. I smiled my thanks and helped situate the throw over us. In the messing, Jamaal’s hand found mine. He intertwined his fingers with my own and didn’t let them go until the movie was over and everyone stood to help pick up all the thrown popcorn.
“We should do this every Thursday,” commented Maliha. “Each week we’ll watch someone else’s favorite movie.”
“Does that mean you’re volunteering to pick a movie for next week?” asked Kate.
“Sure.”
“Cool,” said Jamaal. “Next week, then, same time same place?”
Everyone agreed.
“Great. I can’t wait.”
I couldn’t help but blush. Jamaal had been looking at me when he said that he couldn’t wait.
I made my way back to my room for the night, and mercifully, Tasha was gone. I could only imagine that she’d gone to Tanya’s room to discuss wardrobe and the possibility of a double date with her and L’Avery. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, changed into my pajamas, and turned off my computer. Looking around, I saw that there was nothing else I could do to stall having to climb into my evil top bunk any longer. I had been tempted to ask Rae to drive me to the baby superstore so I could buy one of those toddler rail guards in an attempt to make me feel safer at night, but had ultimately decided against it.
So, I took a deep breath and climbed up, muttering a silent prayer with every step. It was after one in the morning, and I hoped I’d be able to fall asleep somewhat soon. Surprisingly, the combination of my hope and prayer worked. I was out within ninety minutes.
The second Thursday of our weekly Movie Night came and went. This time we had watched Maliha’s favorite film, Somewhere in Time. It was a good flick, although not so much appreciated by the guys. They kept making Superman jokes throughout the entire feature. But some of them were pretty funny, and Ryn actually snorted, which ended up with us having to rewind the movie twenty minutes because we’d missed it all from lau
ghing at her—and that only made her snort some more. Next week was going to be Ryn’s pick, so Rae and I would finally understand what all this business about SLC Punk! was. But the best part about the entire night was that Jamaal held my hand again and walked me back to my room after the movie was over.
I managed to finally fall asleep around one, only to be woken up again by Tasha coming in at three a.m. with Tanya and CiCi, Tanya’s roommate, to discuss when they were going to do their laundry.
“Um, Tasha?” I asked, lifting my head up groggily from my pillow and re-circling my arm tightly around the bedpost. “Do you think y’all could maybe talk about this outside? I’m trying to sleep. I’ve got to go to the library tomorrow morning.”
“We’re almost done, Mitzy. Just hold on. God.”
Thirty minutes later, I had about given up. I climbed down carefully from my bunk and went to the bathroom, hoping by the time I finished, they would be gone. No such luck.
I stood there, trying to build up the courage to climb back into my bed, and just watched them talking still, with no pretense of a stop. So I decided to wait. I stood by the foot of my bed, folded my arms across my chest, and just stared at them. If I was going to wait all night for them to stop discussing hairstyles, clothes, and when they were going to do their laundry, I certainly wasn’t going to wait in my evil top bunk. It took about fifteen minutes before one of them even noticed my presence.
“Did you need something, Mitzy?” asked CiCi, without malice, which was something I wasn’t used to when it came to Tasha’s friends.
“Well,” I began softly, not sure of my footing, “since you asked, I would like to go to bed, but it’s a little difficult with the three of y’all talking. I thought I would just wait here, since y’all said you were almost done.”
“Oh, sorry,” said CiCi, genuinely, “I guess we have been here a while. Come on, Tan, let’s go.”
CiCi and Tanya left, and I smiled at the fact that Tasha actually walked them to the door like a polite hostess should. When she turned and came back into the room, though, her face was livid.