by Lola StVil
I watch as Nikki scans us all. When she spots Lucas, her face lights up. She smiles, a smile filled with love and genuine happiness. She locks her eyes onto his and doesn’t look away. Neither does he. I can’t read his expression, but I don’t need to.
Nikki’s alive. His first love. I feel my stomach clench like I’m going to throw up. I feel as if my soul has been ripped from my body.
I know with a certainty that Lucas and I are over.
The thought makes me want to cry, but I bite back the tears. Everyone is so happy to see Nikki alive, and I don’t want to ruin the moment.
I catch myself and put a stop to my thoughts. Talk about selfish. I should just be glad that Nikki is alive. It means that Lucas can fully forgive himself.
But it also means…
No, I won’t think like that. I won’t.
Nikki looks away from Lucas and smiles around at the rest of the team. She gives me a shy smile and I return it. I feel a rush of sympathy for her. I can’t imagine what she has been going through for the last few months. I realize I am genuinely happy that she’s safe.
Even if it means…
Stop it, I scold myself.
Everyone starts firing questions at Nikki at once. Everyone except me and Lucas, that is. I don’t know what to say. Maybe he doesn’t either. Or maybe he can’t say what he wants to say because I’m here.
“It’s so good to see you. How are you feeling?” Dylann asks.
“What happened to you?” Nix demands
“Who did this?” RJ and Ryder both ask at the same time.
“What did the healer give you?” Parker asks.
I can’t help but smile at that. Even now, Parker wants details on the science.
Nikki still hasn’t spoken and I see how overwhelming this is for her. Her eyes dart nervously between us all, finally settling again on Lucas. When she looks at him, a calmness washes over her, her shoulders relax, and her eyes light up with relief.
She shuffles to the edge of the bed, ignoring the protests of the team. Lucas steps forward and puts a hand out to steady her as she stands up. She takes another shaky step and she’s in Lucas’s arms.
He wraps his arms around her, holding her tightly against him, and she does the same. She inhales deeply, taking in his scent, and once again I am uncomfortable. And it’s not just me. The whole team seems uneasy. They stand that way for what seems like forever. I can see Lucas whispering in her ear.
I feel a burning sensation inside. I want to go over there and rip her out of his arms. Tell her that he’s mine now. But I know he’s not. Maybe he never really was.
I want to turn and run away and never stop. The only reason I don’t is because I can see the team eyeing me warily. I won’t let them down. I won’t fall apart.
I won’t give Nikki the satisfaction of seeing me upset.
I know that’s not fair. She didn’t ask for any of this, and she doesn’t know about Lucas and me.
I’ve never felt so conflicted about a person before. I know from what the team have told me that Nikki is someone I would like. Coming in here and seeing her, seeing how beat up she is and how she not only survived whatever happened to her, but survived it without losing her mind, confirms it. She’s brave. Strong. Everything I admire in a person.
But I can’t get around the fact that she’s still in Lucas’s arms. That he’s holding her the way he held me when my parents stepped through the vortex and I thought my world was ending. I can’t get past the fact that because she is here, I will lose Lucas. My world is coming to an end, and without him there’s no one to catch me when I fall.
I want to like her. I should like her. But there’s a part of me that hates her. I am ashamed of that part of me. I fear that if someone held a mirror up to me, my purple eyes would be green. A bright, intense green. The green of jealousy.
I don’t want to feel this way, but the simple fact is that I do. It’s not that I don’t want Nikki to be okay. I do. I just want her to be okay somewhere else. Somewhere far away where I don’t have to have a front-row seat to her recovery.
A thought occurs to me. She’s going to want to rejoin the team. I can’t say no without looking like a petty little bitch, but can I say yes? Am I a big enough person to put aside my feelings for Lucas and let her join us?
I don’t know, and I don’t want to think about this now.
I can feel eyes boring into me, and I force myself to look up and meet them.
“Are you okay?” Dylann mouths.
I nod, forcing myself to smile. She frowns briefly, then nods. She doesn’t believe me, but she can hardly say that here.
Nikki is still firmly in Lucas’s embrace. It feels like she’s been there for hours, but in reality, it can’t have been longer than a minute.
I shuffle my feet slightly. I don’t know where to look or what to do with my hands. I fold my arms in front of me, but that feels too defensive. I unfold them and let them hang, useless, by my sides.
I catch the others giving me sideways glances and I know I’m making them uncomfortable too, but knowing how to handle your boyfriend’s ex coming back from the dead isn’t something they teach us at school.
Ryder catches my eye and holds it a moment longer than anyone else has.
He clears his throat. “Get a room, you two,” he laughs.
It works. Lucas steps back from Nikki. I’d like to say he dropped her like she was hot, but I would be lying. It was more of a gentle release, but still, he let go when he remembered himself. Is that a good thing?
I can’t let myself think that there’s still hope for Lucas and me. I know there isn’t. I was just a placeholder.
Nikki steps back and sits on the edge of the bed. She looks deep into Lucas’s eyes, and I can see the tears shining in her own eyes.
Lucas can’t meet her gaze.
“I…I’m sorry, Nikki,” he says, his voice filled with emotion.
“For what?” she asks, confused.
They’re the first words she’s spoken since she came back, and her voice is strong, steady, and feminine. The sort of voice that makes people fall in love.
I put the pieces together. The voice, the face, the body, and the person behind it all. I can see instantly why Lucas loves her. I can’t compete with that.
“Because I couldn’t save you,” he responds.
She looks up at him with genuine concern.
“Please forgive me.”
I let out a sigh of relief. I thought for an awful moment he was going to tell her about us. I scold myself again. I have to stop making this about me.
Nikki’s face breaks into a beautiful, emotion-filled smile, and a single tear runs down her cheek.
“Oh Lucas, my love, there’s nothing to forgive. You did save me. You saved me every day by loving me. When things got so bad I wanted to die, I held onto your love. I fought to survive because I knew if I could hold on long enough, one day, I would be back in your arms again. That thought kept me going, and I was right. We are together again.”
The team exchange glances. Parker and Nix look at each other and grimace. Dylann shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. Ryder looks at me and shrugs helplessly. I return the shrug. What else is there to do?
Lucas burns beaming red. He doesn’t know where to look or what to say.
Nikki barks out a low laugh. She turns and swings her legs back onto the bed so she can see us all.
“That was so corny, wasn’t it?” She laughs. “It sounded much better in my head.”
The team laughs awkwardly. Nikki’s laugh is the only one that sounds natural and not forced.
“Relax,” she says.
We all look awkwardly at each other.
“I didn’t mean to make you all uncomfortable. Would it make you all feel better if I told him he’d have to make it up to me when I’m feeling better?”
She winks as she says it, and it doesn’t make anyone feel any better. I feel a rush of sympathy for Nikki.
She’
s been to Hell and back, and every one of her friends is acting strangely around her and she doesn’t know why. She’s talking about Lucas as though she expected him to sit around waiting for her.
“Nikki?” I say softly.
She turns to me, her face open and warm.
“What happened to you?” I ask.
I don’t want the gory details. This is none of my business. But I had to say something to break the tension in the room. I had to stop Nikki from carrying on like nothing’s changed. Because everything has changed.
Before Nikki can answer me, the door to her room opens and a young man comes in. I recognize him as Nikki’s healer. He’s the one who came and told us she was awake. He told us his name too, but I can’t remember it. It was all a blur then.
“I think it’s time for you all to go,” he says good-naturedly, but his voice is firm.
He’s nowhere near as scary and forceful as Anya, but he still doesn’t seem like someone who will be walked over.
“Just another five minutes,” Nix says.
The healer shakes his head.
“She needs to rest. And that’s more important than your reunion. There’ll be plenty of time for that when she’s well again.”
He turns his attention to Nikki.
“Your parents are on their way, love,” he tells her.
“But my friends just got here, and we have a lot to discuss,” she objects sweetly.
“You should probably tell them what happened first,” he replies with concern.
He glances pointedly at me as he says the last part, and I feel myself blush. So he heard my question then. Nikki looks at me and rolls her eyes with a grin. I feel myself return it.
“You’ve caused quite a stir in the Angel world,” the healer says to Nikki.
“Me?” She sounds confused.
“Oh yes, social media is blowing up with stories of the miracle girl who came back from the dead. And our phone lines haven’t stopped. Just wait until the press show up. I hope you’re feeling up to giving a few autographs because you, girl, are going to be famous.”
As he talks he walks around the bed and makes a few adjustments to the vials of colorful liquid floating around Nikki. I barely noticed them until he draws my attention to them.
When Lucas was in this very place, I was fascinated by them. Now, they blend into the background.
I have adapted to so much over the last year. I have changed so much and accepted things I barely believed were possible.
Now I have to accept that I’ve lost Lucas.
I’ve accepted much bigger things, fought demons and monsters, found and lost my parents, and almost died, yet I fear this will be the thing that breaks me.
The healer turns back to us. “Are you lot still here? Funny, I’m sure I already said you all have to leave.”
Parker goes to protest, but one look from the healer stops her and she shuts her mouth again. We exchange quick goodbyes with Nikki.
As I say a quick “see you later,” she whispers to me.
“You’re Summit Case.”
I don’t know if it’s a question or a statement, but I nod my head anyway.
She gives me a small smile.
“I can’t wait to get to know you.”
Those six words confirm it all. She won’t be going away. She’ll be staying, and I’ll have to see her every day.
I can’t read her smile. I can’t decide if she genuinely wants to get to know me or if it was some sort of challenge.
She knows who I am. She knows Lucas had feelings for me. Is this as weird for her as it is for me?
I don’t know, but I do know this. If it’s a war she wants, it’s a war she’ll get.
The healer turns back as the rest of the team wait for me in the doorway. Only Lucas hangs back slightly.
“I’m serious, everyone out please,” the healer says, his voice firm.
I berate myself for thinking Nikki was being catty as I walk to the door. She was trying to let me know she wants us to be friends. Wasn’t she?
I guess I’ll find out soon enough.
Nikki catches Lucas’s wrist as he bends down to kiss her goodbye.
“You can stay,” she says.
The healer frowns. “I’m not sure about that,” he says.
Her next words confirm to me that she just wants us to be friends. She doesn’t need to fight for Lucas. He’s already hers.
“Sure he can stay. After all, he is my husband.”
I feel as though the ground beneath me is shaking. What Nikki just said literally shattered my world—well, what was left of it.
Married. Lucas is married. How does that even happen?
When Nikki came back from the dead, I knew I would lose Lucas. Every part of me told me it was true, but I had hope, however small. There was a tiny part of me that thought they were young. They have both grown and changed, and maybe there’ll be nothing between them anymore.
But now? Now I know it’s over. Even if they do realize they were young and stupid and move on from each other, how can I ever be with Lucas?
He’s married. Married. And it didn’t occur to him to mention that to me at any point.
I feel a hand grab my arm at the same time I notice the breeze stirring my hair. I walked out of Nikki’s room and just kept going. I don’t know how to process this, but I do know I can’t begin to do it in front of the team. Not one of them thought to tell me that Lucas was married.
Maybe they didn’t think it was important. After all, Nikki was supposed to be dead, but still.
Why couldn’t she just stay dead?
I gasp at my own vicious thought. I want to take it back. I don’t want her to be dead. None of this is her fault. It’s all on Lucas.
The hand on my arm tightens, and I turn to see who is hanging off me. It takes me a moment to focus properly on Nix as he brings me to a stop.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
I nod. What else is there to do? We both know it’s a lie, but we both know nothing he can say or do will make this better.
“Come back inside,” Nix says.
I shake my head. Why can’t I seem to form any words?
“It’s not safe out here,” Nix says, looking nervously around us.
I snort out a laugh. “Is it safe anywhere?”
He shrugs but he still looks uncomfortable. I’m just glad to hear my voice sounds reasonably normal.
“Listen…” Nix starts.
I cut him off.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask. His eyes dart around nervously before he meets my gaze dead on.
I can hear the hurt in my voice and I know Nix hears it too.
“We didn’t know either,” Nix says.
I search his face and something in the openness of his body and the way he meets my eye tells me he’s not lying. This is as big a shock to them as it is to me. Except it doesn’t change anything for them. It’s only me whose world has been dragged out from beneath them.
How could Lucas not tell me he was married before we made love? How could he not think to mention it? Maybe I would have still done it. I’m almost certain I would have, but I would have done it knowing all the facts.
It hits me that not only am I heartbroken from losing Lucas, but I also feel angry. Angry at him for keeping this from me. It makes me feel used. And humiliated.
“How could he not tell us?” I ask Nix quietly.
If he knows the answer, he isn’t telling.
“I guess he figured it didn’t much matter. She was dead after all.”
“It mattered to me, Nix,” I say.
“Come back inside,” Nix says.
It occurs to me that he’s completely out of his depth here. He doesn’t know what to say or do. I guess we’re quite alike, Nix and I. He would take on an army of demons without any hesitation, but feelings? That’s uncharted territory.
The rest of the team won’t be able to say anything to make this okay. They’ll sympathize, sure, but rig
ht now, I need someone who will cuss Lucas out and call him out to be the coward he is. I need Milo.
“I have to go,” I say.
Nix frowns at me.
“Go where? Summit, you’re upset. You shouldn’t be wandering around alone.”
That nervous glance again. What’s going on? I don’t know and right now, I don’t care.
I can’t see any reason to lie to him, and if he knows I’m going to Milo’s place, maybe he’ll let me go without a fight.
“I’m going to talk to Milo,” I say.
“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea,” he says.
“It’s not open to discussion. Please tell the others I’ll be back later.”
It comes out sounding like an order. It wasn’t meant to, but my tone tells Nix he’s wasting his time arguing with me, and he nods.
“Just be careful,” I hear him calling after me as I spread my wings and take off.
It’s been just over an hour since Nikki dropped her bombshell. It’s taken me that long to pour my story out to Milo, who sits before me, his mouth hanging open.
“I…What?” he manages to stutter out.
“Exactly,” I say.
I nibble unconsciously on a churro. I didn’t want to eat, it’s the last thing I need, but the restaurant is bustling and Milo’s mother insisted we have food on the table so we look like normal customers. I think it’s more of a case of she saw how upset I was and resorted to trying to make me eat my feelings, but either way, I don’t want to eat, yet I am.
“None of the team knew,” I add.
“But Nikki made sure they all do now. And she made damn sure you knew,” Milo points out.
I have to admit I was thinking the same thing. Had she blurted it out when she did because she wanted me to know he was taken?
“Maybe she was just scared of being alone and she knew that was the only way the healer would let him stay,” I say.
I don’t know why I feel the need to defend her, but I do. I have to remind myself this isn’t her fault. She almost died. Only the thought of her love, her husband, kept her going, and she returned to find me there. The girl who almost came between them before they even spoke to me. The girl who was having hot sex with her husband the night before she came back.