by Swan, Tarn
I duly got home, finding it in darkness and devoid of all tenants. There was an envelope on the kitchen table. It was a Dear John Letter, or in my case a Dear Tarn letter, except there was no Dear, or even Tarn come to that. The note curtly informed me that he’d taken some possessions and Lulu and was going to bide a while with the latter, in order to help him overcome his fear of being in the flat after the attack. While he was there abiding, he’d be giving grave consideration as to whether he and I had a future together. Until then he did not want to see me, or speak to me and I was not to try and contact him. The kitchen walls blushed as I let fly with a sally of very unpleasant words. I was almost shamed into washing out my own mouth, but honestly he drives me to distraction sometimes. He’s an attention seeking spoilt brat and I could cheerfully murder him at this point in time.
Before you think I’m being a hard hearted and uncaring brute over the fact that he’s left me, let me assure you that I know my partner very, very well. He has absolutely no intention of leaving me for real. He’s trying to manipulate me, guilt me out and punish me for punishing him. He’s trying to make me change my mind about the course of action I’ve taken with regard to him putting our joint bank account into the red. A small mean part of me wants to call his bluff, and just leave him where he is for a while. However, I’m going to do what he fully expects me to do and go and get him, but if he thinks it’s going to be hugs, apologies and flowers from me, he’s got another thing coming. I know I’m grumpy and a tad on the sour side tonight. I’m tired and I’ve had some worrying news about my mother. I just don’t need this conflict and tension with Twinkles. I’d much rather be cuddling him and telling him my worries than be at odds with him.
I think my urge to commit regicide is passing. I’m calmer. I’m going to finish my coffee and attend the newly inaugurated Court of bad queen Twinkles, which is set to have the shortest duration of any reign in history.
26th November 2005:
The Ice Man And The Snow Queen
I had to clear the car of snow before I could take Twinkles to work this morning. We don’t normally get into that scenario until much later in the season, usually after Christmas. Thankfully the roads weren’t too bad and the snow is now melting fast. It seldom lasts long in this part of the country. I think the pollution from industry sees it off, that and we’re not far from the coast.
Yes, my queen has returned, he’s home, he’s not speaking to me anymore than he has to, but he’s home.
We didn’t go to the PP last night. I told Twinkles to makes his excuses and go to bed straight after dinner. I doubt we would have gone even if the circumstances had been different. The weather was terrible and Lulu didn’t want to be seen out anywhere and we wouldn’t have left him home alone. His face is healing, some of the bruises are beginning to fade, but he still looks pretty battered. In the event the PP came to us, courtesy of Twinkles, who finally decided it was time to put news of Lulu’s misfortune out on the grapevine. He’d been very good up until then in observing Lulu’s request that no one be told about what had happened. The PP regulars, arrayed in their Friday night glory, turned up with gifts, hugs and sympathy for their stricken sister.
To be frank, I was annoyed with Twinks for not consulting me before he went ahead with grapevining. However, my annoyance quickly melted away. It was the best thing in the world for Lulu. Hiding away from embarrassment wasn’t doing him any good at all. It was just what was needed to get him past it. He got teased, but not judged, which I think is what he had feared. Big Mary, dressed in a floral frock and looking like one of the ladies from The Bounty Kitchen Roll Advert, slipped an arm around his shoulder and said, ‘Lu you daft bugger, next time you flag down a bus try to remember to use your hand and not your face.’ Natalie screeched, ‘Jesus Lu, who applied your makeup tonight, Bella Lugosi?’ It was good to see a sparkle of happy pleasure in Lulu’s eyes again.
People would have thought it very strange if Twinkles didn’t put in an appearance, so I went upstairs and told him he could go join the party he’d arranged. I also told him that it had been a good idea to invite friends over for Lu and smiled, hoping for something reciprocal. He walked past me without saying a word. In fact he didn’t even look at me. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a tad hurt, but that’s the price of being in charge. You have to stick by your decisions no matter that they make you disliked.
It was a fun evening for Lulu. It gave him a much-needed lift. It wasn’t so fun for me. I was well and truly cut dead by Twinkles. He didn’t spend one second in my company. If I went within a foot of him he walked away. Brian discreetly asked if everything was all right between us. I shrugged and said we were just engaged in a slight difference of opinion. He patted my shoulder sympathetically saying that he and Steven had sometimes had those kinds of engagements and he was always mighty relieved when they came to an end. He didn’t stay long, as he had to get back to the club. Before going he hugged Lu and told him to report the attack to the police, but again without result. Lu just wants to forget about it. Val and Sandra also noticed that Twinks was chilling me and asked what was up. I told the truth by saying that he was pissed off with me after a disagreement over finances. I didn’t elaborate and they didn’t push. Val gave me a hug and told me to put on my thermals until the cold snap passed.
I didn’t meet Twinks for lunch today, as I usually do on a Saturday. He said he was too busy to take a lunch break, as he’s making a start on the Christmas window displays. Compared to his attitude the weather is positively warm, he’s a veritable snow queen.
What happened on Thursday night when he left me? Well, as it turned out Queen Twinkles didn’t get to set up Court at Lulu’s rented palace. Lulu, despite Twinkle’s moral support was still too afraid to stay in the flat. The moment he opened the door and stepped inside he began to shake and sweat, convinced that his assailant was somewhere inside waiting for him. Twinkles tried to reassure him by searching the flat, but he got a little way up the hall before his nerve also gave out and he had to retreat. By then Lulu was crying and being sick in the gutter outside. Twinkles called my mother and she came and picked them up and at Twinkles’ insistence took them back to her house.
It’s hardly surprising that Lu is still traumatised after the ordeal he suffered. What makes it even worse is he knows it’s partly his own silly fault, not that it makes any of it right or excusable, it most certainly does not. He’s a victim and him being silly does not make him any less of a victim or the man who hurt him any less of a dangerous criminal. I’ve long thought Lulu would benefit from having a kind but slightly bossy boyfriend to look out for him. That’s what he needs, someone to love him and be there for him and point out when he’s being a daft beggar, like this Internet disaster, which could quite easily have cost him his life. Last Monday, when I was off work, he finally confided the details about what happened on that fateful night.
The night after being stood up, Lulu was thrilled to receive a message from the so-called Cyber-man, whose ‘alleged’ real name is Garret. Garret apologised for not turning up on the Wednesday. Some kind of last minute job had come up and he couldn’t get away. He wanted to rearrange for Friday, only he didn’t fancy meeting at a pub or club on a busy, noisy night when everywhere would be packed, He suggested that Lulu give up details of his phone number and address. He would then come over and they’d spend a nice quiet evening just getting to know each other. So Lulu, or birdbrain as Twinks scathingly re-christened him, did the unthinkable, he gave a complete stranger his phone number and home address and arranged to have him come over without letting anyone else know his plans. Mainly, I suspect, because he didn’t want his friends telling him what a prat he was.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, useless, but wonderful in the way it allows us to review exactly how stupid we have been. Lulu broke every rule of common sense and safety, convincing himself that most of the bad things you read about happened to other people. He wanted to meet his cyber prince, who had given
off vibes suggesting he might be the sort of caring man that he had been waiting for all his life. Garrett duly downloaded himself, arriving with wine and flowers, another good sign. He was a little bit older than Lulu had expected, but still attractive, he obviously looked after himself and Lulu thought his luck was in. They sat drinking and talking for a while and then Garret had suddenly made a move. Lulu was a bit surprised but also flattered that he seemed to find him irresistible and had responded very willingly.
In next to no time their clothes were off and they were on the floor engaged in the preliminary stages of coitus and that’s when the atmosphere changed. Garret began kneading and squeezing Lulu’s neck, it seemed to excite him and promote more strenuous thrusting activity, if you get my drift. Lulu didn’t like it and told him to stop because he felt as if he were choking, which only excited the man more and he increased the pressure. Lulu began to panic and tried to shove him off, but considering his position he couldn’t move much. He was pinned in more ways that one and that’s when things got very ugly. Garrett enjoyed Lulu’s fear. The more he struggled and pleaded, the more excited he got. He was really getting off on it. Just as Lulu thought he was going to pass out, the pressure on his neck eased, but any relief he felt was short lived when Garrett viciously backhanded him across the mouth several times while calling him a string of degrading names that he’d obviously lifted straight from a hardcore porn rape movie.
Lulu is convinced that Twinkles inadvertently saved his life. First when he called his mobile phone because the sudden ringing of it startled Garret, and Lulu was able to shove him off-balance and at least cause coitus interruptus. Before he could grab his jeans and make a run for it, Garret went completely mental. Grabbing him by the hair he began punching and kicking him, forcing him down onto the couch, telling him all the things he was going to do to him. I can’t bring myself to detail them. Then the main phone rang and the answer machine relayed Twinkles’ message saying he was coming to get him. Lulu had the presence of mind to tell his attacker that his friend only lived at the end of the street and he’d be here any minute so he’d better get dressed and get out. Before leaving the house Garret left a warning: he knew where Lulu lived and he’d be back. As a parting gesture he tore the earring out of the top of Lu’s ear, as ‘a memento of a lovely evening.’
I comforted him, as he sobbed about how stupid and humiliated he felt, how terrified he had been and still was and how for a few moments he truly believed he was going to die. He’s also convinced that he wasn’t stood up on that Wednesday night. He thinks he was being checked out, to make sure he was no real physical match for Garret. Lulu is about five foot nine and lightly built. I told him that it was very, very unlikely that this man would return to the scene of the crime. I also told him that he had to go the police and report the attack. I would go with him and request that a gay officer heard his complaint first. He refused point blank to even consider it. He’d taken action and posted warnings on every gay chat room message board he could find to say that there was a dangerous predator on the loose and to warn people to be careful. He’d given the email names and addresses that Garrett had used and also gave a physical description of him. He was adamant about not involving the police. They’d just think he’d gotten what he deserved, or refuse to believe he hadn’t been a willing participant in a kinky gay sex game.
In effect Lulu was violently raped that night. Yes, he’d willingly consented to sex in the beginning, but he had not consented to be strangled and beaten during the act of sex in order to feed some psychopath’s sick fantasies. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of kink between fully consenting adults who know the rules of the game and have safeguards in place. Garrett, or whoever, was obviously not interested in safe and sane ‘play.’ He got his kicks from real victim scenarios where the fear and lack of power were genuine.
Getting back to Thursday just gone. I of course knew nothing about Lulu and Twinkles detouring to my mother’s house, as I set off on my quest. Just as I drew up outside Lulu’s flat and was girding my loins in readiness for a confrontation, my mobile rang. It was mum who greeted me with the words, ‘I’m on the toilet.’ I have to tell you that my blood all but congealed in my veins and steel underpants couldn’t have girded my loins enough as I braced myself to take delivery of some horrific description of bodily excretions. To my profound relief she went on to inform me that Twinkles and Lulu were at her house and both were upset. Twinkles had stated that he did not want her to call me, but she suspected that he did want her to call me, so she was pretending not to call me, but really she was and that was why she was in the bathroom, calling me, and had Twinkles and I fallen out?
The headache tablets I’d taken before setting off officially resigned as medication and allowed my headache to run unchecked. I told mum not to worry I was on my way. The fates were against me. I had a tyre blow out and spent over an hour and a half on a dark side road in a sleety blizzard fitting the spare.
I finally got to mum’s house and walked in on what appeared to be the scene of a tragedy. Twinkles and Lulu had reversed recent roles and Twinks was lying curled up on the couch with his head on Lulu’s knee being stroked and petted, as he wept. Lulu himself looked tearful and mum was three quarters of the way down a bottle of white Zinfandel and looking glazed. The moment I swept in, all sleet encrusted, Twinkles sat up and screeched, ‘oh look everybody the iceman finally frigging cometh. I only hope he didn’t rush on my account!’
I was cold, wet and hungry. I was upset and worried and I’d gashed my thumb changing the tyre. In short I was in a filthy dirty mood and you have no idea how much willpower it took not to turn Twinkles over my knee and wallop his arse there and then. Treating mum and Lulu to a fake smile I begged them to excuse Twinkles and I while we had a few words in the kitchen. The words were basically: your runaway tantrum ends here, get your shoes and coat and get in the car because you’re going home. I must have had a face like the wrath of God, because he did as he was told immediately. When I went back in the sitting room, Lulu tactfully said that he’d decided to stay over and keep Joan company for the evening. I repaid his tactfulness by pointing a finger at him and sternly informing him that we were going to sort out some counselling in the next few days and he was going to rethink the police business. Then I turned to mum intending to tell her to go easy on the wine, but she cut me short, ‘you dare direct a digit in my direction, Tarn Swan, and you’ll regret it. Big as you are, I’ll sort you out.’
I smiled and hugged her and told her I loved her and was suddenly shamefully tearful. She asked if my blabber mouthed father had let the cat out of the bag and I nodded. Remember that evening when I was so mad at Twinkles that I went out for a walk? Well I ended up at my dad’s house and he told me that my mother has cervical cancer. Shock does not begin to describe my feelings at such news. It was picked up by a routine smear test she had done several weeks ago. Further tests confirmed that the abnormal cells were indeed cancerous. I think I mentioned that she’s seemed a little distracted lately and no wonder. When she got the dreaded results she turned in crisis to someone she had always considered her closest friend, dad. She had more tests done last week and sees a Consultant on Monday to discuss treatment options. Mum told me not to worry because she wasn’t worried (lie) told me not to tell Maryann, as it would frighten her and then said she’d talk to me later. She also told me to fix whatever was ailing between poor little Twinkles and I.
‘Poor little Twinkles’ refused to get out of the car when we got home. He was fine where he was, thanks all the same. I told him he was being bloody silly and he’d freeze in the car. He didn’t care. I was fit to be tied. I ended up hauling him out and all but carrying him into the house, a display that did nothing to endear us to the ubiquitous Brownlow’s who were standing by their garden gate. I’m beginning to feel haunted by them.
As soon as we got indoors we talked things over, and by that I mean he went over my knee with his jeans and pants around his ankles and
I talked. Yes I was angry and disappointed about what he’d done, but I loved him. There was absolutely no question of me stopping loving him because of what he’d done, so further theatrics aimed at making me dance attendance and prove how much I still loved him were unnecessary. There was absolutely no question of me reversing the decision I’d made in the wake of what he’d done and the sooner he resigned himself to that fact the better. I spanked him hard, first with my hand and then the rice paddle. It was a combination of the spanking he would have got last Tuesday evening if we hadn’t had Lulu staying with us, and a spanking for his behaviour since. He cried from the onset and for a good while after. His need for comfort facilitated a brief thaw when he cuddled up to me in bed later. However, the big freeze was back on again by Friday morning.