Since the bottom is the one who receives the cane strikes, the piercing needles, or the interrogation, there is often a lot of emphasis on the bottom’s safety, comfort, and well-being. Do not forget that tops (and Dominants and sadists) also need safewords, have limits, and want aftercare. Tops: make sure you take care of yourself, have what you may need handy, and ask for what you want. Post-scene, tops may experience the malaise of top drop, and anyone can encounter event drop, which frequently happens after you get home from a fun, play-filled BDSM event. Aftercare is different for everyone; don’t assume you know what someone wants—ask.
These definitions are not meant to be exhaustive and definitive; they are a brief introduction to (or refresher course on) common terminology and tenets used in the book. Many of the concepts are explored in depth in the chapters ahead. While it’s true that language and labels can often limit, exclude, or box us in, words can also help us define ourselves, communicate, and connect with others. Use these explanations as a kind of shorthand and starting point. It’s worth asking others, What does dominant mean to you? Why do you identify as a masochist? What kind of a bottom are you? Likewise, ask a play partner what his or her own values are. What do you think about SSC? How do you garner consent? What is your communication style during a scene? Questions like these can lead to useful, fruitful discussions. With a new partner, it’s common to get a reference from someone else who’s played with him or her. Most kinky people I’ve met take pride in their skills, experience, and integrity. They strongly believe in the tenets of BDSM, and they are invested in earning the respect of their play partners and peers. Use these conversations as an opportunity to gauge if you are on the same page before you’re ready to invest time and trust with someone. If you start with a solid foundation, the sky’s the limit.
Endnotes
1 Among those who identify with dominance and submission, many use capitalization in their writing to reflect their power dynamic (as in Dominant/ submissive, D/s, Master/slave, etc.). Further, they may capitalize names and pronouns that refer to a Dominant while those that refer to a submissive are written lowercase. For example, a submissive might write: Mistress is very particular; i hope She appreciates the way i set the table. In this book you will see both styles, depending on the individual author’s preference. I will use the term D/s (capitalizing Dominant and lowercasing submissive) but otherwise adhere to traditional capitalization rules. My goal is uniformity; I do not mean to disregard or disrespect anyone’s preferences.
2 Leather Archives & Museum, “Leather History Timeline,” http://www.leath-erarchives.org/resources/resource.htm, accessed June 6, 2011; Guy Baldwin, Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice, 2nd ed. (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing Company, 1993).
3 These lists are not exhaustive; they are examples of some of the activities about which you can find books and classes or that you may see at a play party.
4 David Stein, “Safe Sane Consensual: The Evolution of a Shibboleth,” VASM Scene: The Newsletter of Vancouver Activists in S/M (September/October 2002); online at http://www.leatherleadership.org/library/safesanestein.htm and http://www.rosecoloredasses.com/SirReal/ssc.pdf. The phrase “safe, sane, and consensual” first appeared in an August 1983 report by members of a Gay Male S/M Activists (GMSMA) committee that was formed to draft a statement of purpose for the organization; it is credited to David Stein, a member of that committee. Stein writes about its origin and unexpected adoption as a community motto in his essay.
5 The term RACK is attributed to Gary Switch, who first proposed it on the Eulenspiegel Society’s Listserv “TES-Friends” in 1999. Gary Switch, “Origin of RACK: RACK vs. SSC,” Prometheus 31 (May 1999); online at http://thirst-forbdsmknowledge.blogspot.com/2006/09/origin-of-rack-rack-vs.html.
6 Stein, 6.
CHAPTER 2
MAKING AN IMPACT: SPANKING, CANING, AND FLOGGING
LOLITA WOLF
I scanned the play party. Other than a scene going on in the sling, it was mostly clusters of groups socializing on the couches. I spotted the redhead, who was dressed like a doll, with a nametag that said “Dolly.” Nobody was playing with her and she did not seem to belong to anybody.
I went over and touched her. She felt so lifelike. I think she was one of those Real Dolls. She was life-sized, but still smaller than me so it was only a little awkward to maneuver her around.
I took her over to one of the less crowded corners. I bent the dolly over my knee. She was a bit stiff, like maybe she wasn’t really supposed to bend that way. She flopped over face-first onto the couch.
The dolly wore a short little skirt. First I smoothed it out for modesty’s sake and touched her through her clothes. But after a while, I got curious to see what was underneath. I lifted her skirt and she had these beautiful pale-blue panties with a little keyhole detail at the top. Very soft. I fondled her ass through her panties. The dolly was anatomically perfect. Her ass was full and round. My palm wrapped around each cheek perfectly. She was like a custom doll fitted just for me. I became bolder and moved her panties out of the way. I rubbed her butt with my hand. She was so soft, like human flesh.
I sat back and lightly spanked the dolly on my lap and watched the party for a little while. There was a bit more activity and the sling had a group around it. I spanked the dolly a little more intensely and got a rhythm going. I was very happy spanking the dolly. All of a sudden the dolly shuddered a bit. Uh-oh! Was there some kind of internal mechanism that I had jolted? Did I break the dolly?
I don’t think anybody noticed anything wrong. The dolly seemed to be working okay again. I decided to pretend as if nothing bad happened. I pulled on the dolly’s long red hair until she sat up again. She looked okay and it even seemed that her smile was bigger. Maybe that was just my imagination. I held her in my lap for a while.
SPANKING
Back in the days before I discovered kink, my favorite vanilla sex was rough doggie style. For me, it was more about getting slammed from behind than it was about fucking. That rhythmic pounding felt very good to me. When I finally found the BDSM/kink community, I discovered spanking and my sex life took off.
Some people call spanking a gateway to BDSM, and it’s true, many of us start on our kink path with spanking and explore further from there. Other people focus strictly on spanking, and there are whole spanking communities for them, even some who believe that spanking is totally nonsexual. Ack! As for me, I think spanking is the perfect foreplay.
Spanking is great for novices because you don’t need any fancy equipment. Some people new to kink can be frightened or intimidated by heavy-duty black leather implements like paddles and truncheons. With spanking, you can just use your hands. It’s so convenient.
Some of us get spanked just because it feels good—it’s purely about the sensation of a cadenced beating. A good spanking can give you and your partner much pleasure. The goal is not to hurt the receptive partner, but rather to give them an erotic and sensual experience.
Spanking has always had a strong association with punishment: tanning someone’s hide is supposed to teach them a lesson, keep them in line, and make them behave better in the future. This can lead to marvelous role play scenarios. You can be a parent, babysitter, teacher, or nun and give your naughty boy or girl a spanking for doing something bad. Or perhaps a spanking is a reward for good service, a ritual to start a scene, or a birthday surprise for your favorite “kid.” Public spankings, at a play party or leather event, can be part of a rite of passage—perhaps an initiation to a group or fraternity. Get into the fantasy of it and have fun.
Always communicate with your partner and negotiate a spanking before it happens. Remember, some people are triggered by spanking, punishment, or certain kinds of role play. They may have had bad experiences growing up and spanking may push them to an emotionally dangerous place. Don’t force it.
Preparation and Positions
Before you start, set up a good e
nvironment for your spanking. The room temperature should be comfortable. Unless you want to set up a role play scenario out in the woodshed, nobody can enjoy themselves if they are shivering. Adjust the lighting. Music can alter the whole scene: for example, a boppy song like Madonna’s “Hanky Spanky” will set an entirely different mood than a Gregorian chant. Of course, one atmosphere is not better than another. Add your own touches. Make it your own.
You don’t need any accessories or physical preparation for this activity, but it is a good idea to find a position that works for both of you. Get comfortable, because for a nice long sensual spanking you may want to stay in this position for a while. Try sitting on the couch with your partner across your lap. I love what I call the “Princess” position, where I pile all the pillows behind me on the bed and relax propped up like royalty with my partner lying across me right under my hand.
There are other good positions, depending on what you want to emphasize. If you want your partner in a position where you can get access to his genitals, have him bend over a sturdy table or a chair. Or, if you are in a dungeon, there are pieces of equipment like a horse or spanking bench that work well. Maybe your spanking is part of a role play scenario where you sit in a chair and your partner lies over your lap for a traditional over-the-knee (OTK) spanking. If you want to be really strict and give your bottom a physical challenge, have her stand and bend over holding her ankles or knees.
There are also psychological considerations to positioning. You can control somebody by using bondage or holding them down. How you hold them can instill a sense of safety or fear. You can have them present themselves in a manner that reinforces submission or humiliation. For example, responding to your order to kneel on the bed with her head down and her ass up in the air can be very submissive; taking his pants down and letting them pool around his ankles could be humiliating to some people.
And some positions are just more ergonomic for the spanker. What feels best to you? If you need to hit hard, try a position to give you the ability to swing your arm with the most power. And there’s no reason to just stay in one position the whole time. It is okay to move around.
Spanking: The Warm-up
A spanking scene should not be rushed. Feel the intimacy. Enjoy this different kind of closeness. It can be especially sensuous if you are both naked. Feel the weight of your partner’s body, his skin texture, the way he breathes, the way he moves. Set the tone through intentional touch. For example, holding someone close to you with your nonspanking hand can give a feeling of being protected and taken care of. Grabbing ahold of your bottom’s hair can make her feel dominated or even terrorized.
A spanking can be pleasurable, painful, or both—it can “hurt so good.” What can be very confusing is that different people like different levels of sensation. What one person experiences as a medium spanking can feel like a severe spanking to someone else. So, how do we regulate ourselves so that the experience is good? Start slowly!
Warm-up is very important. It prepares your partner. You are seducing your partner both physically and mentally. Rub your partner’s butt lightly. Take a lot of time and let him become accustomed to your touch. Move to light pats and escalate very slowly to slaps. If you take your time, your partner will adjust to the heavier sensations gradually. It is very important to build slowly so that your partner will interpret the spanking as pleasure and not as pain.
Communication is very important here. The person getting spanked should be giving feedback. Do you like the sensation? Then say so! Not all audible feedback is through words. Moan. Purr. Giggle. And feedback can be nonverbal as well. Writhe. Wiggle. Raise your butt to meet the spanks. But sometimes the feedback is not so easy to interpret. What if the person getting spanked growls or starts stomping her feet? What does that mean? It could be a reaction that means the spanking is good or it could mean it’s too much. The spanker should pause and ask, “What does it mean when you growl like that?” Sometimes the person getting spanked cries. For some people that is a good thing; it is a cathartic way of letting go, clearing the mind, or cleansing emotions. For one person, it can feel really good to cry and keep going; for another, crying means the scene is over.
Everybody has a spanking sweet spot—an area on their ass that feels especially good to them. For most female-bodied people, it is the lower half of the butt in the center. Spanking that spot vibrates straight through to the clitoris. For most male-bodied people, the sweet spot is a little higher, over the anus, where the vibrations go through to the prostate. Some people like it higher or lower on their ass cheeks and may also like spanking on the fronts, backs, or insides of their thighs. Explore and see what feels best to your partner. Spank around her sweet spot and spank directly on it. You can hit all the meaty parts of your partner’s body. Avoid hitting over bones, joints, and areas above soft-tissue organs like kidneys.
Take the Spanking to the Next Level
Your hand is capable of imparting lots of different sensations; using them in different ways can vary your spanks. A cupped hand feels completely different from a flat hand. When you use a cupped hand, you are delivering your hit with a soft pocket of air. A flat hand strikes with a bigger punch. Fingers apart gives a more stinging feeling than fingers together. Striking with just the fingers gives more sting, whereas the whole hand gives more thud. Try different types of spanks and see what reactions you get from your partner.
Accessorize for sensation! Experiment with wearing a glove: a soft lined leather glove can add thud; a thin latex glove can add sting. Does your hand get tired or does your partner want more than you can dish out with your bare hand? Try a paddle. Everybody has different preferences: you can choose a leather, wood, rubber, or plastic paddle. My favorite is a leather paddle covered in fur (or faux fur) on one side. It’s two sensations in one toy: one side is thuddy and the other is stingy. You don’t need to go to a fetish store or spend a lot of money. See what you already have: a big wooden spoon, a spatula, a slipper, a hairbrush, or a Ping-Pong paddle. Try a rubber flip-flop and see what sensations you can create with it—get creative!
As the scene progresses, vary the stimulation. Pause during the spanking to caress your bottom’s butt cheeks very softly or use your fingernails to lightly scratch them. You can also add a toy: drag some sensuous bunny fur, a tickly feather, an ice cube, or a pointy letter opener across her butt. You’ll be surprised at how sensitive the butt is after having been spanked—every feeling is now magnified. You might get a fun reaction: he may yelp or shudder or squirm.
I love adding a butt plug to a spanking scene. Lightly tap the inserted plug and the vibrations will go all the way through his body. This works best with plugs made of silicone. Spank around the plug, but be careful about spanking directly on it. Depending on the size and shape, it might not feel good. Other people like adding a dildo to a spanking. Again, different people like different things.
Be sensitive to your partner. Watch her body to see how she reacts to different techniques. As you increase the sensation and the scene continues, her breathing is likely to change. She may wiggle or stiffen. She may make more noises. She may even break out in a sweat. Everybody reacts differently. Again, if you are not sure how to interpret your partner’s reactions, ask how he is feeling and what he is feeling. Remember that the same reaction from two different people may mean different things, so don’t assume.
Get a rhythm going. Once your partner is warmed up, get into a percussive groove. The beat (yes, that’s a pun) should be determined by how your partner reacts, not by the soundtrack you’ve created. Many people, especially female-bodied people, can reach orgasm just from spanking. For others, it is good lovemaking all by itself.
Some people need a little help to come to orgasm from spanking. Sometimes I reach around with my other hand and spank her clit. The type of spank I use depends on what she likes: sometimes a firm slap or a cupped hand is best. Either way, keep a steady rhythm. With some people I use a vibrator. With a guy, gr
abbing and stroking his cock can work. Or have your bottom help themselves. Order them to masturbate.
When the spanking is over, keep the connection. Bask in the afterglow, both physical and emotional. Lots of cuddles and hugs. Or more sex! Spanking is great foreplay for other activities like fisting and fucking. Or caning.
CANES FOR PAIN AND PLEASURE
My ex-girlfriend, Peggy, was a great cook. She was also a big masochist. We were well suited for each other. Peggy would make me dinner and I would beat her. After a time, we developed a little game. I would tell her how terrible her cooking was and then I would “punish” her with a cane, her favorite toy. I would always tell her that I would give her another chance to get it right, and this snagged me another invitation to dinner. There were many fine dinners and many punishments. We even hung a cane in the kitchen so it would be right there for me to use.
One weekend, we traveled out of state to Jack’s house. Jack was a bachelor who ate a lot of pizza and Chinese takeout. He was very grateful that Peggy cooked us a fabulous home-cooked meal. The three of us sat down to eat. I took one bite and bellowed, “This is slop! Get me a cane!”
Peggy ran to get a cane. Jack looked down at his food and continued eating. He was totally silent, not wanting to get involved in what was going on. When Peggy came back, I gave her six full strokes of the cane—no warm-up.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink Page 4