As you gradually insert more of your hand into your partner’s body, check in regularly. Ask your partner to tell you how it’s feeling, and where she’s feeling pain or discomfort. This is really important, because it will allow you to adjust your technique to help her feel more comfortable. You may also have her use hand signals like the universal “stop” sign (holding up her outstretched hand) or a thumbs-up if she’s ready for more—this can provide an additional way for her to communicate while still being able to stay in the moment. Also, remember that it’s important to relube your hand regularly, and check your gloves for any signs of breakage.
Many people get frustrated during fisting. “I can’t get my hand in past the knuckles” or “I’m out of room” are frequent comments from novice and sometimes even experienced fisters. The reality is that we are working to fit our hands into a part of the body that usually doesn’t expand more than a few inches in diameter, so it’s not always the easiest thing to make happen. The first “bump in the road” is often just before the knuckles enter the vagina—we run out of “stretch” and may feel as if we are totally blocked.
There are a few ways you can work past this. First, make sure your partner is relaxed and is doing what she can to open up to you. (More about that in a few paragraphs.) Second, slowly rotate your hand, gently pressing in at different angles and in different positions as you go “around the clock” in your movements—often there is a particular angle or direction where you’ll feel a bit more room to work with. It’s not necessarily intuitive—one of my partners can’t take my hand if it’s parallel or perpendicular to her, but she can easily let it in if my hand is at a 45-degree angle. You may also want to try those different body positions I mentioned earlier. Some people find that being on their hands and knees (doggie style) or lying on their side relaxes their pelvic muscles and allows them to take even more. The good news is that once you’ve found a great position, chances are it will continue to work for you in the future.
When the challenge isn’t so much the stretch to accommodate your knuckles but the length you have to work with, it’s time to adjust your hand position. Fisting doesn’t happen effectively unless we use our hands as flexible tools, and visualizing your partner’s internal landscape through your touch can help you adjust your position to get more of your hand inside her. I like to close my eyes and “feel” for opportunities to curl my fingers; in most cases, the vagina opens up past the first few inches, and you can begin to curl your fingers to make a fist. Usually the thumb, once it’s inside your partner, will naturally fold in toward the center of the palm; letting your fingers close around it will help you penetrate more fully and fill your partner’s vagina more completely.
FOR THE BOTTOM
For a bottom, the experience of fisting is almost as much a mental as a physical process—perhaps even more. Being able to allow our body to open up to our partner is not an easy thing for many of us, so learning techniques to help it along is key to your own enjoyment—and it makes you an active participant in the process, which is even hotter than just lying back and waiting for it to happen. Start by focusing on your own relaxation—this can be difficult if it’s your first time or if you’re in an unfamiliar location, but it’s absolutely key to being able to accept your partner’s hand. One technique I use is deep breathing, which helps our bodies relax more fully with each breath. As you breathe deeply, focus on the muscles in your lower body—your vaginal muscles, your ass, your hips, even your belly—and imagine that each muscle relaxes just a little bit more every time you exhale.
Another way to open up is to use visualization techniques. A simple one? Continue to breathe deeply as I described above, but shift your focus specifically to your vagina. With each exhale, visualize your body opening up more and more. As many of us already know, our minds have an amazing influence over our bodies (including functions that we don’t often consider to be linked to our emotions), so use your creative juices along with your sexual juices to have a more incredible experience being fisted.
The one thing that will almost always defeat us in our search for pleasure is a negative attitude. Expecting that you will be able to easily take your partner’s entire hand, or that you will orgasm from the experience, or even that you will be able to maintain your composure, can short-circuit your ability to go with the flow of the experience and appreciate it for the process that it is. While you’re breathing deeply, stay focused in the moment. If you feel happy and full of laughter, let it out; if the sensation brings up sadness, or fear, talk it out (or cry it out) with your top. Our bodies have their own memories; it’s not uncommon for sex and kink (especially when they push our previously conceived limitations) to tap into some of those memories. By releasing them, we can embrace our own internal reality and give our tops the opportunity to create that safe space for us as we experience them—and move on toward even more pleasure!
Discomfort is part of the process for many people when they’re being fisted. Let’s face it—a part of the body is being stretched pretty wide open. Pressure is a common feeling; breathing and relaxation techniques should help you process and move beyond it. However, you should alert your partner to a sharp pain or burning sensation as soon as possible. The vaginal walls are quite strong in most people, but they can still be damaged with small tears to the tissue—and that means you will have both pain and healing time, as well as, potentially, scar tissue that can make future penetration less comfortable. This is really not an area where putting up with pain for any length of time is a good idea. Often, you can manage it by letting your partner know where the pain is, as much as you’re able to, and having her adjust the angle or amount of pressure behind her penetration to a more comfortable level.
The end goal of a fisting—whether it’s with the whole hand in up to the wrist and multiple ejaculations, or just getting to the knuckles for the first time—is to heighten the sense of intimacy between partners. When a top has his hand inside his partner, not only does the act say, “I own this,” but it also provides the rush that comes with reaching a new plateau with his partner; the sense of control, power, and physical intimacy can be overwhelming. The first time I really experienced this was after a few hours of off-and-on insertion play, finally ending up with my knuckles just getting inside my lover’s body. She started orgasming, and I could feel her vagina hot and tight, squeezing my fingers together—but rather than feeling uncomfortable, it felt like I was an active part of her orgasm, not just the person who was doing the work to get her there. I felt mentally and emotionally aroused to an incredible degree—I had a brain orgasm right along with her physical one. Since then, I’ve looked at fisting a partner as a great honor and privilege, and it’s become one of the most pleasurable tools in my arsenal of sexual domination.
AFTERCARE
When is the fisting scene over? When you both say it is. I’ve had as many fisting scenes end because of my own hand and arm cramps as because my partner was finished. It should go on as long as you both comfortably want to continue. Some people like to finish off with an orgasm (or two, or three, or a hundred); some people like to stay at a plateau for as long as possible and then slowly bring the scene to a close. There is no right way to do a fisting; as long as neither partner feels that the end was abrupt or unpleasant, then you’ve done it correctly.
You may see some blood as a result of the fisting; this is not terribly uncommon, as the capillaries that run close to the surface of the vaginal walls may break open and leak a small amount of blood. However, if you see larger amounts of blood, you will want to back off and make sure that your partner is not bleeding from damage to the vaginal walls. Minor bleeding will subside very quickly and is nothing to be alarmed about; if it doesn’t stop quickly or increases, a trip to the doctor or urgent care is strongly recommended.
As part of aftercare, you can use witch hazel wipes (the kind made for hemorrhoid treatment) externally to soothe any swollen tissue around the vulva; they will also remo
ve the excess lube gently. I also recommend that the bottom urinate as soon as possible afterward, to push out any bacteria that could cause a urinary tract infection. Spend time connecting, emotionally and spiritually, whether it’s cuddling, having more sex, or going out to dinner and sharing a dessert. This helps bring a natural close to the intensity of the scene. The aftercare may be a bit different from what we think of as a post-BDSM scene, but the end result should be the same: both (or all) parties involved feel comfortable, connected, and cared for.
Like most BDSM activities, vaginal fisting is a physical activity that can, at its finest, bring about an amazing sense of self, of connection, of esteem and pride, and most important, a feeling of power for everyone involved—not just the top. To open up one’s body and offer it to another is the height of strength and trust. To be the person who is invited to enter should be embraced with humility, compassion, and joy. Fisting is transcendent sex. If it is done in a way that honors all participants, it can take us on a journey to the farthest reaches of our growth as sexual, kinky beings.
CHAPTER 5
BONDAGE FOR SEX
MIDORI
Bondage sex is hot. Your senses are heightened and the mundane details of life melt away. You can savor your lover’s every touch and movement as forbidden fantasies come to life and pleasures are intensified.
Bondage is one of the easiest and most versatile forms of kinky play. It can be as simple or as elaborate as you wish it to be. Whether your tastes run sweet and romantic or gritty and intense, there’s bondage fun to suit your different moods. It’s just as much fun in your bedroom, a romantic getaway hotel, a fully equipped dungeon, or even an alpine tent. The creative potential and sensual possibilities are endless, making this the perfect pleasure art for a lifetime of boredom-proof sex. So it’s no surprise that bondage is one of the fastest growing trends among the sexually adventurous.
THE PLEASURES OF BONDAGE
What is it about bondage that draws your attention? Do you fantasize about it? Does your lover? If you’ve tried it before, what about it got you off? If you’ve not tried it, what sort of fun do you imagine it to be? Knowing what makes you and your sweetie curious about bondage is the first step in creating an amazing experience. This is something I constantly emphasize to the students in all levels of my workshops. It can be easy to get caught up in the technical details, bogged down by the variations or wonders of the equipment, so keep your focus on why it’s hot for you.
Each person’s answers to the why of bondage will be different. When I ask my readers and students why they love to play with bondage, the reasons they give are wide-ranging and diverse. The list below is just a sampling of examples that come from real people. Run through it alone or with a partner. How many are on your list? On your partner’s? Do you find yourself thinking of completely different reasons that aren’t listed here? Simply going through this list of things that other people love about bondage may be an excellent way for you and your lover to discover new things about each other. • A lover’s surrender into sensual captivity, fulfilling fantasies of romantic helplessness
• The thrill of being naughty and breaking taboo
• Escape from daily responsibility
• Thrill of anticipating the unknown
• Full-body relaxation while receiving erotic attention
• Erotic humiliation
• Sensation of full embrace
• Firm bondage in a quiet atmosphere over a long period can create a sense of inner peace and meditative stillness
• Bondage as part of erotic role-playing games lets you unleash your dirty evil genius, hot sex slave, or any character that turns you on
• The physical catharsis and excitement of being able to thrash about as much as one likes
• A change of pace from one’s usual sexual routine or play style
• You can appreciate the beauty of the bound body or allow your own body to be exhibited as you’re bound
• The intimate pleasure of giving or taking control with someone you feel a deep connection to
• Immersion in deep trust and emotional intimacy
• Pleasure in the sensations of rope, leather, or other bondage gear on the skin
• Expression of sensual creativity
• Bondage positions and equipment that touch or bind against erogenous zones just perfectly, increasing turn-ons and intensifying orgasms
What other reasons you can think of? Knowing the root of your bondage pleasure will also help you select the right equipment and technique. Why struggle with a truckload of exotic toys if all you need is a blindfold?
BONDAGE BASICS
Regardless of the type of bondage play you want to explore, there are some basic preparations that you have to consider first. Think of it as your preflight checklist.
Up for It?
Talk with your lover and make sure you’re both into giving it a try. Even if your sweetie likes surprises, just springing bondage on them mid-sex can be disastrous. Discuss what each of you wants to try; make sure that you’re clear about your desires and where your limits are. No need to make it sound like some boring legal arbitration, make it a flirty, dirty hot talk!
If you’ve never chatted about this—give the conversation time. Your partner might have hesitations and concerns. Hear them out and compassionately address their concerns. Remember that it can be intimidating to try a new and taboo sexual activity. Remind them that this is about fun and pleasure.
Top or Bottom?
Decide who’s going to be the one binding (usually called the top), and who’s going to be bound (the bottom).
The Escape Clause
Agree on a safeword or safe signal. Having one is especially important if you’re playing fantasy role-play sex games. Sometimes it’s fun to play at saying “No!” but your partner will feel more confident in the games when they know what the real “NO” sounds like. Tops also get to use a safeword if they don’t feel comfortable with what’s going on. Once you set a safeword or safe signal, respect it and abide by it. Solid trust is the foundation of fabulous bondage.
Oops Tools
Sometimes things don’t go the way you planned and the bondage needs to get undone quickly. Sometimes your plans for smooth unbinding go awry. Sometimes equipment fails. Have your “oops tools,” or contingency tools available. Emergency medical shears, which have rounded tips and cut easily through a variety of materials, are an essential part of your bondage toolkit. You may often hear them referred to as EMT (emergency medical technician) shears, and they’re available in most drugstores. They are great for rope, leather, cloth, tape, rubber, and other materials.
If you’re using devices that lock with a key, have several spares available. When using multiple padlocks, take the precaution of using locks with identical keys. Spare keys are a lot easier to hide and carry than giant bolt cutters, as well as being far more stylish.
Sweet Aftercare
How you wrap up your bondage experience is just as important as how you do the wrapping. Aftercare is what each participant wants and needs to transition from bondage play to everyday life. When you finish a delicious bondage experience, it’s like being in an altered state. Great sex in all forms can be like that. Rushing out of it can be jarring at best, and at worst it can put you in an intensely bad mood for a while. That happens often enough that it’s called a “drop.” Both bottoms and tops need aftercare, so schedule your play time with that in mind. How long it takes and what constitutes aftercare varies from person to person. Here are some examples: • Sex
• Cuddling
• Talking about the fun you just had
• Being quiet
• Chocolate
• Time together
• Time alone
• Snacks and water
• Putting the tools away
• Ignoring the tools for now
Have the Right Tool for the Job
Gather the toys you want for pla
y. This includes the bondage equipment as well as any sex toys, extension cords for vibrators, lube, pillows for propping up the body, slings and sex swings, and any other items you might want. I’d hate for you to be all tied up with the lube just out of reach! Don’t forget to turn off your phones before play, and select your bondage toys according to what feeds your appetites. I’ve listed below several varieties of toys and types of play for you to consider. You can also skip ahead to the First-Time Scenarios I’ve created for you.
TOOLS: DIY FUN AROUND THE HOME
No need to spend a fortune! DIY bondage is one of my favorite hobbies. Look around your home, in hardware stores, or even dollar stores and you’ll be in bondage heaven. Here are just a few ideas:
Scarves
Long scarves are fantastic as blindfolds, wrist bonds, and ties to bedposts. They even make a great dildo or vibrator harness. They’re easy to wash after play. Bathrobe belts and stockings are great, too. If you want to keep it green, recycle your old sheets by cutting them into bondage strips. Here are some scarf ties that we do in my Wrapped for Pleasure class:
The Ultimate Guide to Kink Page 8