TANTRIC SEX TECHNIQUES
There is an entire universe of possibilities to be discovered when we blend Tantra’s focus on energy, consciousness, and spiritual connection with BDSM’s traditions of consent, negotiation, and intensity. In order to experience the deep erotic sensations that can carry us into prolonged ecstatic states of arousal and altered states of consciousness, we first have to slow down and get back to basics. In that sentence we find the first of these basics: Slow down! In Tantra, we do not slow down just for the sake of making sex last longer. Rather, slowing down is the natural consequence of being more conscious. So as you practice the following basics, remember that it’s not about how fast or how intensely you practice, but how much consciousness you bring to your practice.
We’re going to begin by focusing on the physical, nongenital components of a great sexual experience. Nongenital? Aren’t genitals the most important part of sex? Well, no. In fact, you can have amazing, prolonged, full-body orgasms by combining the following nongenital techniques. And these basic elements are not just essential in the practice of Tantra—they are actually the building blocks of all erotic experiences. So let’s take a deep breath, drop into our bodies, and discover all the ways that we can generate, enjoy, and share massive amounts of sexual energy.
Breathe
Our breath is our greatest source of energy and aliveness, yet most of us breathe just enough to stay alive. If you are not already a dedicated erotic breathwork junkie, I strongly suggest you become one. Deep, full conscious breathing can take you higher and deeper and farther than any other sex toy or technique. Regrettably, instead of breathing more, most of us tend to stop breathing in intensely erotic situations. I attribute this to a rule that almost all of us learned as adolescents. I call it the Quiet and Quick Rule. When we were first masturbating on a regular basis, we had to be quiet so that other members of the family would not hear us. We had to be quick so that we could get to orgasm before we were discovered. How did we manage to be quiet and quick? We held our breath. There was no chance of accidentally making a sound if you weren’t breathing. Unfortunately, the constant repetition of the Quiet and Quick Rule imprinted in it on our muscle memory, in much the same way that we learned to type or ride a bicycle. So now when we approach orgasm or any other peak erotic experience, we tend to hold our breath. To reach the level of erotic heights we long for, and to get the most out of the commingling of Tantra and BDSM, we need to break this habit and reprogram our bodies with breath.
There are many different breath techniques that can bring you to a great variety of ecstatic states. But all you really need to know is this: breathing in and out through your nose is relaxing, particularly when you make the exhale longer than the inhale. Breathing in and out through your mouth is energizing. You can alternate the two to produce states of relaxed, alive awareness. The most important thing to remember is to just keep breathing. If all you do is keep breathing a bit more fully and deeply than you usually do, you’ll be well on your way to a delightfully altered state of consciousness.
Begin by practicing on your own. As you masturbate, breathe in and out through your mouth fully and deeply. Keep your throat and mouth relaxed, and don’t force the exhale. If conscious breathing is new to you, you’ll inevitably find that you go back to holding your breath. Don’t criticize yourself, just bring your attention back to your breath. You’ll probably notice that it takes you a bit longer to orgasm when you’re breathing like this. Imagine your body as 30-gallon container waiting to be filled with erotic energy. When you hold your breath while trying to orgasm, you are only able to generate enough energy to fill up an area around your genitals about the size of a coffee cup. When you breathe fully and consistently for longer, you generate enough energy to fill your entire 30-gallon tank. Now, which container of fuel would you rather have to power your orgasm? Breathe.
Give Your Mind Erotically Constructive Things to Do
Our minds wander. They jump from thought to thought. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just what minds do. If we don’t deliberately keep our attention on the erotic present moment, our minds will dance us right out of the room into some mundane anxiety, or into a fantasy that takes us out of our body and away from what’s actually happening right here, right now.
One of the most effective ways of seducing our minds into becoming our erotic allies is to focus on the creation and movement of erotic energy. This is not as difficult or as boring as it may sound. For example, if you are flogging someone, you might imagine erotic energy pumping up from your genitals into your heart, through your arm, out the tips of your flogger, and into your partner’s heart. When your partner exhales, you can imagine their erotic energy flying out of their heart and coming back to you.
With some practice you will actually be able to see energy running through other people’s bodies and feel it running through yours. For example, if you are the one being flogged, you can imagine your heart being cracked open with each stroke. Or you can imagine the fiery strokes of a cane lighting your own inner fire and burning away limitations.
As with the breathing, practice by yourself first. As you masturbate, imagine breathing the turn-on in your genitals up into your heart, then into the top of your head. Feel it sliding into your arms and hands, legs and feet. You might feel the energy move, or see it, or even hear it. It doesn’t matter which way you imagine it. And feel free to fake it until you feel it. Energy follows thought. When you pretend the energy is in your heart or your hands, chances are you’ll be feeling it there soon after.
In both sex and BDSM we can become overly concerned with technique. We worry that we’re not doing it as well as it should be done, or as well as it could be done, or as well as it was done by our lover’s last partner. If you focus on breath and energy, there will be a lot less room in your mind for this kind of self-criticism. And, if you follow the energy instead of your critical mind, you won’t have to figure out what to do next. You’ll already be doing it.
Play at the Resilient Edge of Resistance
This is not really a technique. It’s a magical piece of awareness, crystallized and named by my beloved late teaching partner, Chester Mainard. As with most energetic practices, it is very simple but it may take a little practice before it becomes easy, natural, and automatic.
Although the Resilient Edge of Resistance applies to any kind of connection, especially emotional and psychic connections, it is most easily understood when applied to touch. The Resilient Edge of Resistance is a touch that is neither too hard nor too soft. The touch is deep enough that the body pushes back just a little, but gentle enough that the body does not go rigid. When you are touched at your Resilient Edge of Resistance you are lulled into a place of deep comfort and surrender, yet you remain awake and eager for more.
Try it on your arm or leg. First try a touch that’s too gentle and soft. Feel how it’s kind of creepy and annoying? Now try a touch that’s too hard. Feel how the body tries to pull away, or goes rigid to defend itself? Now find the place—it will feel like a kind of holding—where the touch is just right. Begin to massage your arm or your leg. As you continue the massage, notice how your touch changes. As the body relaxes, you can go a little deeper.
The Resilient Edge of Resistance applies to all kinds of touch including the kind of intense sensation that happens in some BDSM play. We all know that we can’t start off using our heaviest toy with our greatest strength without burning out our bottom in two strokes. We start with warm-up strokes, staying at the bottom’s Resilient Edge of Resistance, gradually building up the intensity, until we’re both flying happily on the exquisitely extreme sensation.
Play with Sound
Sounds of pleasure can be embarrassing or frightening for some people. Remember the Quiet and Quick Rule? We learn at an early age not to make too much noise while having sex. However, sound moves energy—a lot of energy. Whether you are enjoying a long delicious fuck or a long intense night in the dungeon, you’ll get a lot mo
re turned on and reach higher ecstatic states if you make some noise. In Tantra, the body’s energetic anatomy is made up of chakras—spinning spirals of energy located in approximately the same areas as the glands of the endocrine system—at the perineum, lower belly, solar plexus, heart, throat, forehead (aka third eye), and crown. Each of these seven chakras has a sound associated with it (as well as specific physical and metaphysical qualities, colors, and symbols). The first chakra has the lowest pitch, the highest chakra the highest pitch. You can move energy up and down your body by making sounds of different pitches. You don’t have to know any Sanskrit chants—all you have to do is remember to make sounds
Use PC Squeezes
PC squeezes, also known as Kegels, are little squeezes of the pubococcygeus muscle. The PC muscle is the muscle you use to stop the flow of urine. Find your PC muscle now and give it a little squeeze. Your PC muscle is your own personal erotic energy pump. Think of it as a heat pump on the furnace in your erotic basement. Use PC squeezes to help you get turned on, then to move your turn-on up through your body and out into your arms and legs. Without your PC heat pump, sexual energy might eventually get into all the rooms of your house, but with PC squeezes it will get there so much faster and more effectively.
Create Connection with Eye-Gazing
The Tantric technique of eye-gazing is at once challenging, intimate, and a trust exercise of the highest order. It is also mesmerizing, erotically hypnotizing, and deeply comforting. Tantrikas believe that prolonged eye-gazing gives you a glimpse into your partner’s soul. At the very least, eye-gazing and breathing together will create a deep connection. Different Tantric traditions have different opinions about which eye to gaze into and why, but it really doesn’t matter. I like to gaze into my partner’s eyes with relaxed, softly focused eyes. However, in a scene involving power exchange, my gaze would likely turn more direct and commanding.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual/Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Traditionally, the six ways to generate and circulate sexual energy described above have been considered Tantric techniques. “Safe, sane, and consensual” (SSC) and “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK) have been considered exclusively BDSM principles. Agreeing to take proper safety precautions, connect in a sober and conscious state of mind, and play consensually is excellent advice for anyone engaged in any sort of erotic play. From an energetic point of view, these principles create a safe enclosure where we are able to take the kinds of emotional risks that are necessary to fly in intimate connection with others and within ourselves. They are, if you will, the magic carpet on which we ride.
Now that you’ve got the basics, let’s practice some kinky twisted Tantra, or if you prefer, Tantric BDSM. We’ll do this by looking at two of the most basic components of BDSM—Power and Pain—through a Tantric lens.
D/s Tantra: Power
There is virtually no human interaction that does not involve some exchange of power. Because BDSM is a consensual erotic art form, the power exchange we play with is power sharing with someone, not power over someone. So long as the safe, sane, and consensual rule is in play, our power is on loan, never taken away by force. The roles in power exchange might be named dominant/submissive, top/bottom, or any number of other more personalized descriptions of this temporary binary. Whatever the labels, both partners are regarded as equally powerful. After all, you have to have some power in order to be able to gift it to someone for a while.
There is an equivalent dynamic in Tantra, where the labels are more likely to be yin/yang or masculine/feminine. In Tantra all genders are considered equally powerful. The energetic principles of consciousness and energy are represented by the god Shiva and the goddess Shakti, respectively. As legend has it, when Shiva joined in sexual union with Shakti the union of pure consciousness and pure energy gave birth to the world. Obviously, everyone has aspects of both consciousness and energy, just as everyone has both masculine and feminine qualities. In some branches of neo-Tantra these energetic principles were mistakenly reduced to the binaries of male and female. This created not only a gender bias but also a heterosexist bias. In Tantric circles today, this misconception is now much less prevalent than it once was.
We all have our issues around power and gender. As the daughter of a mother with borderline personality disorder, I lived in a nonconsensual D/s relationship for the first 18 years of my life. As such, I have had a lifelong uneasy relationship with power exchange—even conscious, consensual, power exchange. As a radical queer (I describe myself most frequently as a young black drag queen in a blonde female body), I have had an uneasy relationship with the masculine/ feminine binary. My sensitivity to being boxed into any of these roles meant I had to reinvent them to be able to find my own path in both Tantra and BDSM. I needed to find new language—language that did not stir up old traumas.
I looked for words that described the essence of the energy exchange, not the identity of the participants. I have tried giver/receiver, creative/receptive, initiator/beneficiary. The words that work best for me? Active and receptive.
For me, active and receptive are like positive and negative poles on a battery. One pole is not better or stronger than the other. You need both to create energy. In practice, assuming active and receptive roles is a delightful, efficient way of amping up energy. Once the energy is firing on its own, the roles begin to slip away, becoming unnecessary and even meaningless—as both active and receptive partners are carried along on currents of flowing energy.
EXERCISE: PLAYING WITH POWER
Let’s try an erotic exercise in which you can experience the essence of active and receptive power exchange.
This exercise will require a partner, a blindfold, and wrist restraints. If you don’t have a pair of wrist cuffs you can make wrist restraints out of a 15- to 18-foot piece of rope. Choose ¼-inch to ½-inch-thick soft rope. Although this is not a bondage exercise, you will need to know how to tie wrist restraints safely without damaging nerves or cutting off circulation. Instructions for simple wrist bondage follow below.
One of you will be the active partner, the other the receptive partner. Read through these instructions in advance, so you can raise any issues of consent that need to be discussed in the first moments of the exercise.
Playing with Power—Part One
Both partners: Face your partner. Breathe. Gaze into your partner’s eyes. Drop into the present moment.
If you have any limits or boundaries around anything in this exercise, share them with your partner now.
Place your right hand on your partner’s heart. Then place your left hand over your partner’s right hand, which is on your heart. Continue breathing together and eye-gazing. Let this continue until you feel that you have created a deep connection.
Active partner:
1. Fold your rope in half. The loop created where the rope folds is called the bight. Have your partner hold their wrists parallel to each other with their palms facing each other. Make sure the wrists are not touching each other or you won’t be able to finish the restraints. Wrap the folded rope around your partner’s wrists three or four times.
2. Cross the ends of the rope.
3. Pull the ends to create a twist.
Illustration 7.1. Simple rope handcuffs
4. Now drop both the bight and the ends between the wrists on either side of the wrapped rope.
5. Bring the bight and the ends back up between the wrists, wrapping around the existing rope, creating rope handcuffs. Don’t make the cuffs too tight. You should be able to fit one or two fingers between the bondage and the skin.
6. Tie it off with a simple square knot. You should have enough rope dangling free to use as leash.
Both partners: Return to eye-gazing. Breathe with your partner. The wrist restraints will have changed the dynamic between you—simply notice how. With your breath and your eyes, begin to take on your active or your receptive role. There is no right or wrong way to do this, nor will the change happen all at
once. Just breathe and eye-gaze with the intention of becoming more active or more receptive.
Active partner: Now put the blindfold over your partner’s eyes. In a moment you will begin to lead your partner around the room. But before you begin to walk, synchronize your breathing to your partner’s. Because you are the active partner, you get to choose the nature of the breath. You can stand behind your partner with your chest against their back, placing your hand on their heart and breathing, making clear your intention that they match their breath to yours. As you begin to walk, this breath can act as the secondary leash between you.
Slowly begin to walk your partner around the room, leading them with the leash. As you lead them, go more completely into the active role. What is demanded from you in this role? Your partner is blindfolded and their hands are tied. This makes you completely responsible for their physical and emotional safety. What energetic techniques can you bring into play to make you as conscious as possible in this moment?
Receptive partner: With each breath, give over a little more control to your active partner. Observe your feelings, as if from a distance. Are you feeling fear? Relief? Resistance? Peace? Although your partner may have established initial control by insisting you match your breath to theirs, as you move into the exercise, experiment with your breath until you find one that helps you move more deeply into receptivity. Remember, a receptive partner is not a passive partner. You are not giving up, giving in, or doing nothing. Rather, you are striving to open up and become more mindful. In this receptive state you are open not only to a more intimate connection with your partner, but to a more intimate connection to yourself, to your surroundings and to all-that-is.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink Page 12