The Ultimate Guide to Kink
Page 34
And bottoms, you have shit to do too. First off, you’ve got to be readable if your schizo Top is going to have any chance to keep things fun. That means being in the moment and communicating where you are in terms of fear or arousal. Yeah, okay, maybe you can’t make your dick hard or your pussy wet on command, but you can certainly control your moans, your begging, even the look in your eyes—an intoxicating mix of fear and trust.
After
After the scene it’s time for aftercare, as in any scene. Fear-based mindfucks tend to need the most aftercare. Step one: dissipate the danger. If you were using a gun, it’s time to put it away. If the fag Jew is still looking at a swastika, his brain is still pumping out adrenaline. Remove all danger to stop the flow of adrenaline, then wait for them to come down. Remember, we’re talking fight-or-flight here. It’s gonna take them some time to come down from it all. After that, it’s time to discuss what happened—what worked, what didn’t, what went through whose mind when. And, hey, it’s never a bad idea to check in a day or two later as well.
Now, if a mindfuck is done right you can have all of the danger with none of the actual risk; for example, fake gun equals lots of danger and no risk.
HANDLING DANGER
Now, if a mindfuck is done right you can have all of the danger with none of the actual risk; for example, fake gun equals lots of danger and no risk. But still, because mindfuck is such a powerful scene (because so much of it happens up in the head), there are some real and serious risks to keep in mind. The biggest risk of most mindfucks is that the bottom will freak out. Fortunately, I’ve never had a bottom do that on me—probably more out of luck than skill, though. Still, I’ve thought about what to do in such a situation. Here are my recommendations: 1. First, absolutely remove all dangers, real or fake.
2. Second, ask the bottom what he needs. Anything you say or do without asking this first is what the psycho killer would do. What do I mean? Well, you offer him a drink—he thinks, That’s what the psycho killer would do. You offer to hold her until she calms down—she thinks, That’s what the psycho killer would do. You suggest that it’s probably not a good idea to leave right now because they’re all jacked up on adrenaline—and they think what? Yep, you guessed it: That’s what the psycho killer would do. But asking the bottom what he needs is different, because psycho killers don’t do that.
3. Third, have the bottom call someone he or she knows and trusts. Again, the psycho killer would never do that (witnesses only create complications); it also reconnects the bottom to the real world. They may not feel sure of the real world at first. Ideally, they’ll be able to chat with their friend until the they’re calm enough for some real aftercare—getting that drink, being held, even leaving.
There is one other potential danger, but just for Tops. I don’t know how big this danger is, really. Based on my experience, if you do a lot of mindfuck and you do it well, people will fear you. Depending on your local community, this could mean fewer partners. The flip side, of course, is that your new reputation will do most of the work for you. Heck, some folks won’t ever believe I’m not mindfucking them. Kinda hot, kinda sucks.
FUCKING QUESTIONS
Lastly, there are some basic questions both bottoms and Tops will want to ask before any mindfuck. Two key questions come before all the others.
1. When you are masturbating while thinking about this fantasy, at what point do you come? The mindfuck need go no further than that point.
2. How real would be too real? Rape is a common fantasy and a good scene for a mindfuck. But how real can it be before it stops feeling like a scene and starts feeling like a real rape?
Here are some other questions you might ask, based on the kind of mindfuck you have in mind:
Fear-Based
What’s the fear? (Some more or less universal ones are death, severe nonerotic pain, abandonment, loneliness, disappointment, failure.)
How can it be simulated?
How can you set the stage?
What is the sub expecting? Play to it or off it?
Where do you want it to start? Where do you want it to end?
Fantasy-Based
What’s my fantasy? What specifics are key to me?
What about it turns me on?
What is behind this fantasy?
Faith-Based
What do you want to accomplish?
How far are you willing to go?
What might go wrong?
FUCK YOU
Normally, if I were teaching this as a class, this is the point where I would take questions. Can’t really do that in an essay, so I’ll leave you with this kicker: I’ve lied to you six times in this essay. Not about the important stuff, but about me. Which parts are the lies? Think you know? Want to find out? Easy. Give me one hour—just one hour—with you, alone in a room. Deal?
Endnotes
1 As a gay man, I am not allowed to marry, I am not allowed to donate blood, but I am allowed to call other gay men “faggot,” especially when they get off on verbal abuse, which is most of the men I play with.
RESOURCE GUIDE
Note: You can find a much more extensive version of this resource guide on the book’s website, UltimateGuideToKink.com.
BOOKS
Becoming a Slave, by Jack Rinella (Chicago: Rinella Editorial Services, 2005).
The Compleat Slave: Creating and Living an Erotic Dominant /Submissive Lifestyle, by Jack Rinella (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 1992).
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by Gloria Brame and William Brame (New York: Villard, 1996).
Family Jewels: A Guide to Male Genital Play and Torment, by Hardy Haberman (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2001).
Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, edited by Mark Thompson (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 2004).
Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and the Serious Player, by Joseph Bean (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 1994).
The Marketplace (3rd ed.), by Laura Antoniou (Cambridge, MA: Circlet Press, 2010).
The Master’s Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance, by Jack Rinella (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 1994).
Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual, by Christina Abernathey (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 1996).
The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance, by Mistress Lorelei (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2000).
The New Bottoming Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2001).
The New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2003).
Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships, by Jack Rinella (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2003).
Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond, by Lee Harrington (Lulu.com, 2010).
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon (Fairfield, CT: Mystic Rose Books, 1995).
The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, by Midori (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2002).
Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Couples, by Patrick Califia (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2002).
Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macramé, by Lee Harrington (Brooklyn, NY: Mystic Productions Press, 2007).
The Slave (3rd ed.), by Laura Antoniou (Cambridge, MA: Circlet Press, 2011).
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 1998).
The Toybag Guide to Age Play, by Lee Harrington (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2008).
The Toybag Guide to Clips and Clamps, by Jack Rinella (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2004).
The Toybag Guide to Foot and Shoe Worship, by Midori (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2004).
The Toybag Guide to Playing with Taboo, by Mollena Williams (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2004).
Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage, by Two K
notty Boys (San Francisco: Green Candy Press, 2006).
Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century, by Barbara Carrellas (Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts/Ten Speed Press, 2007).
When Someone You Love Is Kinky, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2000).
VIDEOS
Midori’s Expert Guide to Sensual Bondage, directed by Tristan Taormino (Vivid-Ed, 2009).
Nina Hartley’s Guide Series. Nina Hartley hosts and Ernest Greene directs this DVD series covering domination, submission, bondage sex, spanking, and more (Adam and Eve, 2002–2008).
Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex, directed by Tristan Taormino (Vivid-Ed, 2009).
The S/M Arts Collection: The Pain Game & Tie Me Up, hosted by Cleo Dubois (Academy of S/M Arts, 2002).
The SM Tech Educational Series. DVDs with accompanying short books, covering topics like flogging, spanking, bondage, and CBT and featuring educators Lolita Wolf, Joseph Bean, and Scott Smith (Nazca Plains Corporation, thenazcaplainscorp.com).
NATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS
Carter-Johnson Library, leatherlibrary.org
Leather Archives & Museum, leatherarchives.org
Masters and slaves Together International (MAsT), mast.net
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, ncsfreedom.org
National Leather Association-International, nla-i.com
Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance, woodhullalliance.org
REGIONAL ORGANIZATIONS
Note: Many of these organizations also hold annual events; see their websites for more information.
Adventures in Sexuality, Columbus, OH, adventuresinsexu-ality. org
Arizona Power Exchange, Phoenix, AZ, arizonapowerex-change. org
Black Rose, Washington, DC, br.org
The Center for Sex Positive Culture, Seattle, WA, sexpositive-culture. org
Charlotte Area Power Exchange (CAPEX), Charlotte, NC, capex.info
Chicago Hellfire Club, Chicago, IL, hellfire13.org
The Exiles, San Francisco, CA, theexiles.org
The Group With No Name, Austin, TX, gwnn.net
LA-RAWW, Los Angeles, CA, laraww.com
Lesbian Sex Mafia, New York, NY, lesbiansexmafia.org
LRA, Chicago, IL, lra-chicago.org
MOB, Boston, MA, mobnewengland.org
National Leather Association (has local chapters in Arkansas, Atlanta, Colorado, Columbus, Central Florida, Dallas, Houston, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City, Northern Nevada, and Philadelphia), nla-i.com
New England Leather Alliance, Boston, MA, nelaonline.org
Portland Leather Alliance, Portland, OR, portlandleather.org
Society of Janus, San Francisco, CA, soj.org
TES, New York, NY, tes.org
SELECT EVENTS
Beat Me in St. Louis, St. Louis, MO, beatmeinstl.com
Beyond Leather, Fort Lauderdale, FL, beyondleather.net
Beyond Vanilla, Dallas TX, beyondvanilla.org
Black Beat, Baltimore, MD, blackbeatinc.org
Desire, Palm Springs, CA, desireleatherwomen.com
Fetish Fair Fleamarket, Boston, MA, fetishfairfleamarket.com
Folsom Fringe, San Jose, CA, folsomfringe.com
Great Lakes Leather Alliance Weekend, Indianapolis, IN, greatlakesleather.org
International Ms. Leather, San Francisco, CA, imsl.org
International Mr. Leather, Chicago, IL, imrl.com
Kinkfest, Portland, OR, kinkfest.org
Kinky Kollege, Chicago, IL, kinkycollege.com
Leather Leadership Conference, leatherleader.org
Master/slave Conference, Washington, DC, masterslavecon-ference. org
South Plains Leatherfest, Dallas, TX, southplainsleatherfest. com
Southeast Leatherfest, Atlanta, GA, seleatherfest.com
Shibaricon, Chicago, IL, shibaricon.com
Thunder in the Mountains, Denver, CO, thunderinthemoun-tains. com
Tribal Fire, Oklahoma City, OK, tribalfireokc.com
Twisted Tryst, various locations, twistedtryst.com
WEB RESOURCES
BDSM Event Page, thebdsmeventspage.com
FetLife, fetlife.com
Hanky Code, leathernjonline.com/hanky.htm
Kink Academy, kinkacademy.com
Kink Aware Professionals, https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html
ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS
LAURA ANTONIOU (lantoniou.com) is the author of the well-known Marketplace series of erotic novels, now being published by Circlet Press; they are all being converted to e-books as well. She has also edited the groundbreaking Leath-erwomen anthologies and several other collections of fiction and nonfiction. Her first book, The Catalyst, now renamed Cinema Erotica, is now available as an e-book through Ravenous Romance; the fiction she has written under her gay male pseudonym, Christopher Morgan, is being released under her real name as well. She travels around the world leading workshops for the alt-sex community, ranging from gentle introductions to role playing to weekend-long intensives on BDSM protocols. Follow her at her website or find her on Facebook, Fetlife, and other online communities.
PATRICK CALIFIA (née Pat Califia, prior to a gender transition from female to male) has been writing about sex practically since this activity was invented. SRSLY. He is the author of a dozen or so nonfiction and fiction books that explore the issue of sexual variation, the parameters of gender, and confronting the repression and social control of pleasure. He currently lives with his cute boy (six years and counting) and three fluffy, vogueing, caption-worthy kittehs, and hopes to welcome an Empowered Femme of Color to the household once everybody has moved from California to Florida. Patrick is currently doing research on FTM sexuality and working on a sex manual to accompany publication of the questionnaire data. But if you see him at a party, please don’t ask him how the new book is coming!
BARBARA CARRELLAS (barbaracarrellas.com) is the author of Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century and Luxurious Loving: Tantric Inspirations for Passion and Pleasure. She is the founder of Urban Tantra®, an approach to sacred sexuality that adapts and blends conscious sexuality practices from Tantra to BDSM, and the cofounder of Erotic Awakening, a pioneering series of workshops focusing on the physical, spiritual, and healing powers of sex. Barbara was named Best Tantric Sex Seminar Leader in New York City by Time Out New York for her Urban Tantra® workshops. Barbara delights in blurring the lines between sacred and profane, enlightened and perverted, mystical and scientific, pleasure and pain. Barbara’s most recent endeavors are her Urban Tantra® Professional Training Program (which, in its first year, graduated participants from 12 countries) and her new book, Ecstasy Is Necessary, a practical guidebook for ecstatic explorers (Hay House, 2012). Barbara is a proud graduate of the Coney Island Sideshow School with a double major in fire eating and snake handling.
EDGE is an author, mentor, teacher, and hard-core player from Florida with 20 years of experience in the scene. As his name and online moniker would suggest, he enjoys a wide range of edge play activities, from breath control to weaponsex, though he also has a passion for stogie scenes, clean Japanese rope bondage, and prolonged, intimate inner thigh beatings.
FIFTHANGEL (fifthangel@artofbdsm.com) has spent many of his nonworking weekends traveling throughout North America teaching at BDSM events for the last 11 years. He has written two books, The Finer Points of Pain and Pleasure, a how-to guide for using pressure points in BDSM scenes, and Your Pain, My Pleasure: Inside the Mind of a Sexual Sadist, as well as many magazine articles and interviews. FifthAngel and his wife, Katie, live a power-balanced, monogamous marriage that is very much SM oriented. Edge players in all aspects of their lives, they enjoy vertical rock and ice climbing, blasting zombies at the gun range, and whitewater rafting. When not dangling by a rope off the side of a mountain, they are at home on their five-acre farm on the outskirts of Denver, where they care for a growing family of
animals.
HARDY HABERMAN (dungeondiary.blogspot.com) has been an active member of the leather community since the late 1970s and a member of many BDSM/fetish organizations, including NLA-International and Discipline Corps. He is a founding member of Inquisition Dallas. He is a gay activist, filmmaker, author, and speaker on aspects of the SM/leather scene. He was awarded NLA-I’s Man of the Year award in 1999 and the NLA-I Lifetime Achievement award in 2007. In 2010, he received the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Leather Leadership Award. Since April 1995, he and his boy, Patrick, have been living together in Dallas with their Feline Mistress, Elvira, and troublemaker Jack-the-Cat.
LEE HARRINGTON (PassionAndSoul.com) is a passionate spiritual and erotic educator, gender explorer, eclectic artist, and published author and editor on human sexuality and spiritual experience. He’s been traveling the globe (from Seattle to Sydney, Berlin to Boston), teaching or talking about sexuality, psychology, kink, faith, magic, and desire since 1995, and has no intention of stopping anytime soon. Along his journey, he has been a brainy academic, a female adult film performer (under his previous name, Bridgett Harrington), a world-class sexual adventurer, an outspoken philosopher, a longtime sexuality and spirituality blogger (since 1998), a spirit worker and priest, and an award-winning writer and artist. Overall, Lee is a nice guy with a disarmingly down-to-earth approach to the fact that we are each a beautifully complex ecosystem, and we deserve to examine the human experience from that lens.