by Lia Lee
We broke the kiss and I looked at her. She was only a little shorter than I was and when I stared into her blue eyes in the light of day, I realized there was a little green in them as well. For a moment, she’d had no reserves.
She was beautiful.
She cleared her throat and the moment was gone. She stepped away from me, looking down.
“I have to go,” she said and turned around, marching out of my office.
Chapter 6
Farrah
I drove all the way back to the motel before I stopped and thought about what I had done. I sat in my car in the parking lot, my heart beating in my throat.
I couldn’t believe I had done it. I couldn’t believe I had kissed Lee.
Twice.
And I wanted to do it again. I wanted to do more. My body was wired after I’d kissed him. Both times, my body had heated up after the kiss, desire running through me when I didn’t expect it. When had I last wanted to be with anyone? When had I last actually wanted sex? Long enough that I had to think about it.
Sex had been something I had done to get Jim off my back, and it had pretty much killed my libido. I had wondered if I would I be good enough? If I would be normal?
But this? This was something else. I wanted Lee. I didn’t know him at all, but I wanted him. I hadn’t felt like this around anyone before. There was something about him that drew me, and it terrified me. I didn’t want a man. I didn’t want to be stuck in a world where I had no control again. But every time I thought Lee was going to demand something, push for something, do something I couldn’t deal with, he withdrew instead.
He never made me feel like I was forced to do anything. I could walk away at any moment and he wouldn’t force me to stay.
And it made me want to pursue him. I liked how I felt around him and it made me want to be around him more.
Maybe my attempt to be bolder was working. It had been so hard at first. It was still a challenge to do something. The moment before I took that leap I was frozen in fear, but it became easier as I tried and tried again.
Kissing Lee had been different, though. I had still had that fear when I wanted to do it, but doing it had been easier. It was like he had drawn me to him without doing anything at all.
Being bold around Lee was easier. I had to remember that. If it was easier to be like that around him, maybe I had to be around him more.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. I was making excuses to see him, I thought. And then I thought, so what? What if I wanted to see him again? There were no rules. I could do whatever I wanted. Dr. Boyer had worked for a year to get me to be able to say that. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and no one was allowed to tell me I was wrong.
“I am not wrong,” I said out loud to myself. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
A knock on my window snapped me out of my thoughts and when I looked up, Lee stood at my car door. He smiled at me through my window. My stomach twisted and I braced myself, opening my door and climbing out of the car.
“Sorry, I followed you here,” Lee said. “You forgot this.”
He held up my camera bag. Shit. I had left it on his desk at his office. I took it from him.
“Oh my gosh, thank you!” I said, taking it from him.
I couldn’t believe I had forgotten it. My camera was my most prized possession. I had saved up a long time to buy it and it was the source of my income.
“Don’t mention it,” Lee said, and grinned at me.
I felt like such a fool. He must have thought I had left it there on purpose to force him to see me again. Coming across that was the last thing I wanted. That just wasn’t me. But after I had kissed him, it probably looked like I was trying for more. Embarrassed, I wanted to cover my face with my hands. I wanted to run away. But that would be even worse.
Bold, I reminded myself. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I was getting more and more flustered. Bold.
“Do you want to come in?” I blurted out.
An amused smile spread across Lee’s face and I was mortified. What was I doing? I couldn’t invite him in. This wasn’t my place, it was a motel room. He probably thought I was propositioning him. After he had come all this way to bring me the camera I had left in his office. I was digging myself a hole and I couldn’t get out of it.
My cheeks burned and I closed my eyes a second before looking to the side. I couldn’t make eye contact with him. Everything had been perfect until now. The kiss in the office, the kiss outside the pub, it had all been right.
But this was wrong. What was I going to do?
“I mean,” I started and I was stammering again. “What I was trying to say—” I’d tried again but it failed so I took a deep breath and stopped trying before I made it even worse. Everything had worked at first and I had managed to be bold, but now it was all breaking down.
Lee was still looking at me, amused. I clutched onto my camera bag as if it was a lifeline.
“Not today,” Lee finally answered, and the rejection was almost as bad as the mistakes I was making.
Lee leaned closer to me and whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. “Maybe we’ll be there, soon.”
He kissed my cheek and it tingled where his lips had touched my skin. It was barely any contact but butterflies erupted in my stomach like I was a school girl.
“I’ll see you around,” Lee said, and walked back to his truck. I stood by my car, feeling like an idiot. Lee climbed into his truck, pulled out of the parking space and headed out onto the main road. Only after his car was gone did I walked into my room and unlock the door.
When I was in my room I’d lasted all of five minutes with the mortifying thoughts of what I had just done before I left the room again. I locked up and climbed back into my car. I needed a drink.
I headed down the road to The Pint. It wasn’t nearly as busy as it had been on Friday night. There were only a few cars in the parking lot and I found a spot easily. When I walked into the bar, it was as warm and welcoming as it had been before. Dustin was behind the bar and the young waitress that had been doing her rounds sat on one of the bar stools looking bored.
“Farrah,” Hannah said, coming to me with a smile. “It’s good to see you again. What can I do for you?”
“I’m here for a drink and a bite to eat,” I said, smiling too. “I’m off duty.”
“Of course, come to the bar.”
I followed Hannah to the bar as the young waitress jumped up and acted busy when Hannah shot her a warning look. I sat on a bar stool and ordered the same beer Lee had offered me on Friday and a burger from the menu.
“How are you enjoying your stay in Packwood?” Hannah asked while Dustin poured my beer. My burger order had gone to the kitchen already.
“Very much,” I said. “I travel often for work but I don’t always feel as at home as I do here, for some reason.”
It was the truth. I had felt like a wandering soul often during the past year. Even my new home didn’t always feel like home. Sometimes I still felt like there was somewhere I needed to be, like I was stepping over the line somehow. I hadn’t once felt that way, here.
“Good,” Hannah said. “This town can be a bit much for some people.”
I didn’t know how that was possible. Everyone seemed to be accepting and welcoming here.
New customers came in and Hannah excused herself to take them to a table. She was very involved in her pub and she seemed to know everyone by name. The men were smiling when she took them to a table and I watched as she flirted shamelessly with them, her smile and her words dripping with seduction. The waitress walked over to them when Hanna came back to the bar.
“Sorry, you were saying?”
“I was just talking about my stay, here,” I said.
“Right. Maybe we’re so used to being friendly to all the tourists, you’re getting the star treatment.”
“Or it’s because you have a pretty face,” Dustin said
. Hannah and I both looked at him, surprised. Dustin had barely spoken two words to me when I had been here on Friday.
“What?” he asked, when we both stared. “She wouldn’t get that attention if she was a pot-bellied old man.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it.
“No, but Hannah would have flirted with her,” the waitress said, joining us. Hannah looked mock-upset about it and the waitress laughed.
“I’m Holly,” she said to me.
“I’m Farrah.”
“Yeah, the photographer. I know.”
Right.
“That’s enough lip from the two of you,” Hannah said, sternly. She tried to look upset but the corners of her mouth curled into a smile and Dustin and Holly both laughed, bantering about not being scared of Hannah.
My burger arrived. It was monstrous, with a pile of fries that I would never finish.
“Are your portions always this big?” I asked.
“We give you what you pay for, honey,” Hannah said. “We don’t skimp around here.”
More customers walked in through the door and I watched Hannah as she escorted them to the table. She flirted with the men again, but women that were in the party didn’t seem to mind at all.
“That’s my cue,” Holly said, walking toward the table with menus. Hannah stayed while Holly took the order, talking and laughing, and flirting.
I watched her with envy. She spoke to men as if she was in control, laughing and joking and dishing out playful insults. Everyone was smiling and laughing.
Why couldn’t I be like that? Why couldn’t I talk to men like I knew I was irresistible? Hannah spoke like she knew they would think she was the best thing that had ever happened to them. It was confidence and a little cheek and everyone loved it. Even though she had to be much older than them and she wasn’t exactly a model. But her confidence made her attractive and I was jealous of how easy it was to her.
It had been hard for me to just speak to Lee, let alone what I had gone through to kiss him when I had. And here Hannah was, talking and laughing and flirting, fluent in a language that I knew nothing about.
I would get there eventually, I told myself. This was my journey. I was taking small steps and making progress and I was going to win this thing, even if it took me years.
Still, it would have been amazing if could have been like Hannah already. If I hadn’t met Jim, everything would have been different.
I stopped the thought pattern right away. Dr. Boyer had warned me about regretting the past. If I stopped to think about everything that had gone wrong, about all the years I had lost, I would end up resenting a lot of things. Resentment was dangerous. It would eat at my soul and it would make me bitter toward life.
It was better to keep my chin high and to look forward instead of back. It was all I could do, now. I had taken the steps I’d needed to take, I had seen the right people and I was moving on now. I was creating a new life for myself and that was the only thing I would allow myself to focus on.
Chapter 7
Lee
Monday was a long day. I was out of my cabin by the crack of dawn and since I’d arrived at the office, I hadn’t stopped to take a breath. When Hank came into the office next to mine at ten, I hadn’t had breakfast yet.
“How are we doing?” Hank asked.
“It’s a nightmare,” I said. “I had calls all morning about a group of hikers that won’t listen to the tour guide. Maya is pissed by now, and you know how she gets. I just got a call from her that one of them went missing now, so I’m heading out on the ATV to see if I can track the guy down.”
“Where was he last seen?” Hank asked.
I explained to him what I had been told. Hank shook his head.
“They shouldn’t put Maya on the Monday hikes. She’s always in a bad mood after the weekend.
“Donny called in sick though, so she had to sub. It’s not her fault. Head out with me, we can cover more ground.”
Hank nodded and we walked to the shed where the ATVs were secured. They were powerful enough to head off the trail when necessary. We each climbed on one, and like always I enjoyed the sensation of power beneath me when I started the engine.
We headed into the forest, fanning out from where the hiker had last been spotted. It took us two hours but we eventually found the guy. He had sprained his ankle and dropped his cell phone in a creek when he fell, so he hadn’t been able to call for help.
Hank helped him onto the ATV after checking the ankle for breaks. I noticed footprints in the mud leading through the trees. I frowned and kneeled to study them. When I glanced at the hiker I saw that he wore simple running shoes. The prints didn’t belong to him.
Which meant someone else had been walking around here.
“You can head back down, I’ll follow,” I said to Hank. Hank nodded and took off with the invalid while I made my way through the trees, following the tracks. This was a restricted hunting area but someone had likely been hunting here. It wasn’t the first time I had come across prints like this. Whoever they belonged to knew what he was doing. The prints showed the person stopped at intervals, resting on a knee, and seemed intentional, with no evidence of hesitation or indecision, suggesting he knew exactly where he was headed.
I looked up through the trees but I knew I wouldn’t spot anyone out here now. The hunter knew it was restricted out here and only came out when we were off duty.
Turning around, I headed back to the ATV. When I reached the base I needed to notify the local sheriff. We had to catch this guy.
Hank was in the office when I finally arrived.
“What did you see back there?” he asked.
“Our hunter is back.”
Hank swore under his breath. “If he shoots when the hikers are out we’ve got bigger problems.”
I nodded. “I’ll radio it in. We need to get this guy before he hurts someone by accident.”
I walked to my own office and sat down behind the desk. I was tired and hungry. At least I could knock off early today since I’d come in early. I took some leftovers out of the mini fridge and ate. While I chewed, I thought about Farrah and how it had been when she had been here with me. I had to smile when I thought about her.
She had looked so flustered when she’d asked me to come into her motel room. She hadn’t meant it provocatively but when she realized how it sounded, it had been endearing to watch her backpedal. I wanted to see her again.
But first, I wanted to get home and shower. I was over the day.
When I sat down behind my desk again, a yellow note caught my eye. How had I missed it when I’d come in? I picked up the note, reading the neat, loopy handwriting.
Are we there yet?
Grinning, I recalled that I had told her that we would be there soon when I’d declined her invite to her room. I thought about it. Were we the there yet? Was I ready to take another step with her?
I hadn’t dated in a while and hadn’t had anything serious with the women when I did date them. With Farrah, it wasn’t serious, though. We weren’t heading toward a relationship or anything like that. I just wanted to spend time with her. Was I ready for the next step, to flirt and banter and get to know her?
Hell, yeah.
I said goodbye to Hank when it was time for me to leave, letting him know I was headed out. He would cover the later shift. The staggered schedule allowed us to cover a longer day. I was exhausted, but would never be too tired to see Farrah. I hurried home and showered, washing off the grime of the day.
When I was done, I dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Casual. I ran my hand through my hair to attempt a style and headed out again. On the way, I stopped next to a field filled with wildflowers. I picked a handful of matching colors before heading toward town. The flowers weren’t from a hothouse, but they were beautiful. I hoped she would like them.
I found a parking space in the motel lot and climbed out of my truck, grabbing the flowers I had picked for her. Her car was parked close to one
of the room doors. She was in. I was relieved. If she hadn’t been, I would have waited for her.
Knocking on the door, I held the wildflowers awkwardly. What was I supposed to do with the bouquet? Hold it up in front of me like an offering? Hang it by my side like I didn’t care? I was struck by how much I cared about what she would think when she opened up the door to find me here.
I opted for hanging the bouquet at my side.
The door opened and Farrah stood before me. She looked amazing. She wore another summer dress that cinched at the waist, accentuating her curves. It made her look even taller, the fabric falling to the floor. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun as if she had hastily tried to get it out of the way. She wore very little makeup. Her natural beauty was breathtaking.
“Lee,” she said. She didn’t seem surprised or shy. She was a little unsure, but nothing like it had been before.
“I brought you these,” I said, holding the flowers out without fanfare. She smiled and took it from me.
“They’re beautiful,” she said. She reached forward and took my hand, pulling me into the motel room. She closed the door behind me. I looked around. The room was small and cozy but not very well decorated. It was a standard issue type of place. I noticed the double bed in the middle of the room before Farrah stepped toward me, kissing me as she pressed her body against me.
This time, the kiss was a proper one. It wasn’t a brush of the lips or a tentative peck. Her lips mashed against mine and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her against me. I slid my tongue into her mouth and she melted against me. I’d been wanting to do this since the first time she’d kissed me. I had held back because Farrah was so careful, but she was taking charge now and I loved it. This was a side of her that I liked very much. She had showed it to me now and then, and when she did, it was beautiful.